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Hi. This is my first Angel story, so try not to be too harsh. I know a lot of Angel devotees hate Connor for what he did to Angel, but I try to look at it objectively. Connor was confused and he still is. I like the character of connor and what he's doing to the storyline. (and I think he's really adorable) So don't hate me too. Cuz I love ya'll! Reviews most definitely welcome.
***
I never could have imagined, in my wildest dreams, that I'd be here at this moment. This was very close to what my nightmares are; the ones that push their way right to the edge of your conciousness so you can't remember them when you wake, but you wake sweating with an uneasy feeling in your stomache. The nightmares that haunt every parent.
My entire body aches, head pounding and sharp pains in my ribs. The worst is my leg, and I looked down at the snow white bone that's protruding from the skin. I laid it on the cold, damp pavement at an angle that didn't make me want to scream as I sat with my eyes closed to block out the pain. When I open them, all thoughts of my pain are pushed to the back of my mind as I look down at my son and tears form in my eyes.
Connor's strong, but he's a child. I realize that I was selfish in letting him patrol with me.
It was the only way I could spend time with him. He won't speak to me about what he feels. I know he's hurting. He grew up in hell and was lied to and deceived his entire life and everything he's ever believed or loved was taken from him. Connor blamed me for the death of his "father," but I honestly believe that he feels bitter towards Holtz for lying to him for so long. Connor doesn't trust me, which is not so unusual. Most teenage boys don't trust their fathers. But to me, Connor was still a child. Technically barely a year old. Which is why the tears from my face mix with the gentle rain that's started to fall at the sight of my son.
He laid on the pavement of the alley breathing in short gasps, a shocked and frightened look in his eyes. I looked at his shaking hand, which was gripping at a blood-soaked hole in his shirt just below his ribs. A large purple lump was starting to form on his forehead where he hit the stair railing. Every once in a while he shook with pain and his left hand gripped at little tighter at the wound. I slipped my fingers into his and and felt my throat tighten when he winced. I hate that I can't touch him. I changed his diapers not too long ago, what's the big deal with holding his hand? He technically shouldn't hate me for another twelve years at least. But in our world, nothing is technical.
A quiet whimper escapes from him and I see a tear run down the side of his face.
"D-Dad?" he struggles to get out. I look into his haunted blue eyes.
"Connor?"
He shivers violently. "D-did it get away?"
I shook my head. "No. Gunn went after it. I can smell its blood, and there's a lot of it. I'm sure Gunn killed it. Now, just calm down. You'll be okay."
As I said it, my chest constricted. I'd called for help a few minutes ago and Gunn had gone around the building to wait for it. In any other situation, I would have taken Connor to the hospital myself, but I couldn't at the moment. I wish Connor didn't hate me. I can see me in him. And though it's hard to admit, I see Darla in him. But only the good things. He has her eyes, when they were soft and warm with soul. His soul. He has a spontenaety from her that contrasts starkly with me. I wanted to hold him. I gazed at his face, twisted in agony, and i wanted to be his father. The way I should be. I decide, in that moment, that I'm going to raise him. I'm going to teach him how to get along in this world and how to make friends. I'm going to teach him about love. And I'm going to make him trust me.
Connor slowly turned his head toward me, wincing a little at the movement and swallowing back the nausea. "That demon was pretty tough. And ugly. Where do they come from?"
"Hogwarts." I started to smile until I saw the confused look on his face. "Never mind. I'm not sure. Fred was looking into it when we left."
Connor coughed softly and a small trickle of blood escaped from his lips. Panic flooded my mind. We didn't have much time. "I really wish I hadn't dropped the ax. I could have taken him if I hadn't."
"No you couldn't, Connor. He was too tough and you know it."
Connor's defenses perked up. I was glad to get a reaction from him, to distract him from the urgency and pain that was taking over us. "He wasn't that tough. I almost had him."
I smiled. "Of course you did."
Connor started to speak, but his muscles suddenly tensed with pain and his grip on my hand tightened. I swallowed down the lump in my throat. I was surprised that he didn't wince when I brushed the hair out of his eyes. He needs a hair cut. I'll take him to Quick Cuts soon. When he loosens up a little, he opens his eyes and surveys me. His eyes stop at my broken leg, and my heart jumps at the look he gives it. Concern. At that moment, every hope I had of being with my son that had been washed away came flooding back in.
"Are- are you going to be alright?"
I wrapped my other hand around the one I held. "Yeah. I'll be fine."
Connor closes his eyes for a moment and whispered,"I slept with Cordelia."
"I know." I pushed the image of them out of my head quickly. He nodded slightly. "I thought you did."
"It was...weird."
I laughed. I suddenly wondered whether he had been with a girl in Quor-toth, then realized that he probably hadn't. I'm not sure he even knows what sex is. "Yes it is. But when it's with someone you love deeply enough to justify it, it's perfect. Perfect happiness."
"It was nice afterwards though. When I woke up next to her; she's so beautiful."
Yes she is. And she was almost mine. An unexpected wave of bitterness washed over me, until Connor opened his eyes. "It's nice to be held. To be safe in someone's arms. Someone who hasn't lied to you your entire life."
"I never lied to you, Connor."
Connor nodded. "I know." He looked me in the eyes. "Thanks."
He closed his eyes, and a little while passed before he opened them again. I just sat there holding his hand in mine, praying that help would hurry up. When he opened his eyes again, I noticed they were glazed with delirium. Shock was starting to take hold.
"Connor?"
Suddenly his eyes filled with panic. "You killed my father."
The statement was filled with such hate and anger that it almost physically hurt. My eyes began to itch and I shook my head. "No, Connor. He wasn't your father. I am."
"Yes he was. And you killed him." Tears began to flow down his face. "You killed him. You killed him," he said over and over. He shook his head and sobbed.
"No, Connor. I didn't kill him and you know it." I gripped his hand tighter. "Connor, its going to be okay."
"No! You killed him. You killed the bastard."
I'm confused. "What?"
Connor stopped moving and closed his eyes. "I hate him. I'm glad he's dead."
I stared at him for a moment. Then he looked at me with a look I've never seen in his eyes. He looked at me like he loved me. "I hate him. I hate what he did to me. And to you. I've never been happy. He wouldn't let me. I don't understand. Why did he do those things?"
Connor placed his free hand over his eyes and sobbed softly. I just watched him, and held his hand in mine. Through his tears, I heard him say, "I'm cold."
I know. Blood loss. I would know about something like that. That's how I felt when Darla...
My attention was drawn back to my son, who was lying on the cold pavement shivering and crying. I suddenly felt like a father. So I took off my long black trenchcoat and laid it down next to me. I tentatively slide my arms under Connor and lifted him into my arms. He made a small sound of surprise and possibly protest, but I knew it was just because he wasn't used to it. Its okay. He'll get used to it. I held him against my chest and wrapped my coat around him. He sobbed into my rain soaked shirt, and i sobbed into his hair. I held him close and savored the first loving moment with my son. He looked up at me and and said something that broke my heart.
"D-Daddy?"
My heart swelled so large I was almost sure it would bust. Not that that would kill me or anything. "Yeah, son?"
"I could've taken him."
I smiled and squeezed my arms around him. "I'm sure you could've."
Not too far away, I heard Gunn's gruff voice and the loud wailing of an ambulance.
Hi. This is my first Angel story, so try not to be too harsh. I know a lot of Angel devotees hate Connor for what he did to Angel, but I try to look at it objectively. Connor was confused and he still is. I like the character of connor and what he's doing to the storyline. (and I think he's really adorable) So don't hate me too. Cuz I love ya'll! Reviews most definitely welcome.
***
I never could have imagined, in my wildest dreams, that I'd be here at this moment. This was very close to what my nightmares are; the ones that push their way right to the edge of your conciousness so you can't remember them when you wake, but you wake sweating with an uneasy feeling in your stomache. The nightmares that haunt every parent.
My entire body aches, head pounding and sharp pains in my ribs. The worst is my leg, and I looked down at the snow white bone that's protruding from the skin. I laid it on the cold, damp pavement at an angle that didn't make me want to scream as I sat with my eyes closed to block out the pain. When I open them, all thoughts of my pain are pushed to the back of my mind as I look down at my son and tears form in my eyes.
Connor's strong, but he's a child. I realize that I was selfish in letting him patrol with me.
It was the only way I could spend time with him. He won't speak to me about what he feels. I know he's hurting. He grew up in hell and was lied to and deceived his entire life and everything he's ever believed or loved was taken from him. Connor blamed me for the death of his "father," but I honestly believe that he feels bitter towards Holtz for lying to him for so long. Connor doesn't trust me, which is not so unusual. Most teenage boys don't trust their fathers. But to me, Connor was still a child. Technically barely a year old. Which is why the tears from my face mix with the gentle rain that's started to fall at the sight of my son.
He laid on the pavement of the alley breathing in short gasps, a shocked and frightened look in his eyes. I looked at his shaking hand, which was gripping at a blood-soaked hole in his shirt just below his ribs. A large purple lump was starting to form on his forehead where he hit the stair railing. Every once in a while he shook with pain and his left hand gripped at little tighter at the wound. I slipped my fingers into his and and felt my throat tighten when he winced. I hate that I can't touch him. I changed his diapers not too long ago, what's the big deal with holding his hand? He technically shouldn't hate me for another twelve years at least. But in our world, nothing is technical.
A quiet whimper escapes from him and I see a tear run down the side of his face.
"D-Dad?" he struggles to get out. I look into his haunted blue eyes.
"Connor?"
He shivers violently. "D-did it get away?"
I shook my head. "No. Gunn went after it. I can smell its blood, and there's a lot of it. I'm sure Gunn killed it. Now, just calm down. You'll be okay."
As I said it, my chest constricted. I'd called for help a few minutes ago and Gunn had gone around the building to wait for it. In any other situation, I would have taken Connor to the hospital myself, but I couldn't at the moment. I wish Connor didn't hate me. I can see me in him. And though it's hard to admit, I see Darla in him. But only the good things. He has her eyes, when they were soft and warm with soul. His soul. He has a spontenaety from her that contrasts starkly with me. I wanted to hold him. I gazed at his face, twisted in agony, and i wanted to be his father. The way I should be. I decide, in that moment, that I'm going to raise him. I'm going to teach him how to get along in this world and how to make friends. I'm going to teach him about love. And I'm going to make him trust me.
Connor slowly turned his head toward me, wincing a little at the movement and swallowing back the nausea. "That demon was pretty tough. And ugly. Where do they come from?"
"Hogwarts." I started to smile until I saw the confused look on his face. "Never mind. I'm not sure. Fred was looking into it when we left."
Connor coughed softly and a small trickle of blood escaped from his lips. Panic flooded my mind. We didn't have much time. "I really wish I hadn't dropped the ax. I could have taken him if I hadn't."
"No you couldn't, Connor. He was too tough and you know it."
Connor's defenses perked up. I was glad to get a reaction from him, to distract him from the urgency and pain that was taking over us. "He wasn't that tough. I almost had him."
I smiled. "Of course you did."
Connor started to speak, but his muscles suddenly tensed with pain and his grip on my hand tightened. I swallowed down the lump in my throat. I was surprised that he didn't wince when I brushed the hair out of his eyes. He needs a hair cut. I'll take him to Quick Cuts soon. When he loosens up a little, he opens his eyes and surveys me. His eyes stop at my broken leg, and my heart jumps at the look he gives it. Concern. At that moment, every hope I had of being with my son that had been washed away came flooding back in.
"Are- are you going to be alright?"
I wrapped my other hand around the one I held. "Yeah. I'll be fine."
Connor closes his eyes for a moment and whispered,"I slept with Cordelia."
"I know." I pushed the image of them out of my head quickly. He nodded slightly. "I thought you did."
"It was...weird."
I laughed. I suddenly wondered whether he had been with a girl in Quor-toth, then realized that he probably hadn't. I'm not sure he even knows what sex is. "Yes it is. But when it's with someone you love deeply enough to justify it, it's perfect. Perfect happiness."
"It was nice afterwards though. When I woke up next to her; she's so beautiful."
Yes she is. And she was almost mine. An unexpected wave of bitterness washed over me, until Connor opened his eyes. "It's nice to be held. To be safe in someone's arms. Someone who hasn't lied to you your entire life."
"I never lied to you, Connor."
Connor nodded. "I know." He looked me in the eyes. "Thanks."
He closed his eyes, and a little while passed before he opened them again. I just sat there holding his hand in mine, praying that help would hurry up. When he opened his eyes again, I noticed they were glazed with delirium. Shock was starting to take hold.
"Connor?"
Suddenly his eyes filled with panic. "You killed my father."
The statement was filled with such hate and anger that it almost physically hurt. My eyes began to itch and I shook my head. "No, Connor. He wasn't your father. I am."
"Yes he was. And you killed him." Tears began to flow down his face. "You killed him. You killed him," he said over and over. He shook his head and sobbed.
"No, Connor. I didn't kill him and you know it." I gripped his hand tighter. "Connor, its going to be okay."
"No! You killed him. You killed the bastard."
I'm confused. "What?"
Connor stopped moving and closed his eyes. "I hate him. I'm glad he's dead."
I stared at him for a moment. Then he looked at me with a look I've never seen in his eyes. He looked at me like he loved me. "I hate him. I hate what he did to me. And to you. I've never been happy. He wouldn't let me. I don't understand. Why did he do those things?"
Connor placed his free hand over his eyes and sobbed softly. I just watched him, and held his hand in mine. Through his tears, I heard him say, "I'm cold."
I know. Blood loss. I would know about something like that. That's how I felt when Darla...
My attention was drawn back to my son, who was lying on the cold pavement shivering and crying. I suddenly felt like a father. So I took off my long black trenchcoat and laid it down next to me. I tentatively slide my arms under Connor and lifted him into my arms. He made a small sound of surprise and possibly protest, but I knew it was just because he wasn't used to it. Its okay. He'll get used to it. I held him against my chest and wrapped my coat around him. He sobbed into my rain soaked shirt, and i sobbed into his hair. I held him close and savored the first loving moment with my son. He looked up at me and and said something that broke my heart.
"D-Daddy?"
My heart swelled so large I was almost sure it would bust. Not that that would kill me or anything. "Yeah, son?"
"I could've taken him."
I smiled and squeezed my arms around him. "I'm sure you could've."
Not too far away, I heard Gunn's gruff voice and the loud wailing of an ambulance.