Puberta's plight.
We realize that we included this as a chapter in our other story, 'The Freakiest Story You've Probably Ever Read", but we liked it so much we decided to make it a new story in its own right. Ps. Mugsy, my parakeet from Brooklyn says "Bumble." Caitlin made that up. This is an 'other character' story about a creepy, creepy child.
Harry Potter turned to his best friend, Ronald Weasley to ask for a piece of parchment.
"Hey Ron! Could I borrow a piece of parchment?" He asked.
No one knew this, but in the back of professor Flitwick's class there sat a girl. She was short with mousy brown hair that always seemed to hang limp about her face like a greasy 70's window shade made from noodles. She had crooked teeth and a lopsided smile. Her eyes were black, beady and unblinking that stared from behind her huge old lady, plastic glasses with a hungry thirst for something. We think it may be cheese. OR HUMAN SOULS! Her name was Puberta. She had been going to Hogwarts since the beginning of the series, but she was too mousy and too creepy to be mention by the esteemed author. So we must unveil the unspoken TRUTH!
The only other person she talked to was her pet lamp (and sometimes lover), Ralphy. And I don't think that really counts as a person, do you? Pubie (as she would be called by her friends, if she had any other than the ones in her head.) kept a diary. This diary she addressed to Ralphy, her lamp. It was fuzzy and purple and she scribbled in it madly every spare second. If you could pry it from her cold dead fingers, this is was it read:
Day one: Grew a sixth toe. It isn't very large, but I am working on it!!! Keep telling myself: 'I think I can, I THINK I can,' and it seems to be working. It's nearly a centimeter long today!
Day two: I have a crush on Ron Weasley. HEE HEE HEEEE!!! His ginger hair makes me swoon!
Day three: Does Ron like girls with more than ten toes???
Day four: Ended up toe was just some strange magical fungus / maloma. Damn, I was starting to feel sexy too. Like a man.
Day five: Wrote Ron an anonymous love letter today. Sent it to him by owl
"OH RONNY! You are so bonny. Your red hair reminds me of this one time I set a house on fire. I want to lock you in a trunk and take you out whenever I need sexual favors. I will never let you go ever, ever, EVER!!!" I think it's rather good. Almost poetic even!
Day six: Saw Ron receive my letter at the great hall this morning. I was so pleased! He seemed surprised when my frilly pink envelope landed in his lap. He must have been soooooo excited! But I am so confused! When he started to read the letter, his face fell. And he turned white and seemed to start hyperventilating and looking around the room in a frightened sort of way. Did he not like it? Or does he just look like that when he is aroused / in love?
Day seven: proposed to Ron today. Actually it was the first time I'd ever spoken to him. I don't think he really knew who I was. And I don't think he understood what I was saying because I got up really close to his ear and shouted it really fast and loud. He seemed surprised and after jumping and yelling, I think he may have smiled at me. Or maybe it was a grimace of pain after his ears started bleeding. I am so good. I know he wants me!
Day eight: I wore my best silky red lingerie set under my robes. I don't think he noticed. Then again, no one could see them. I should have cornered him and humped his leg again. It seemed to get his attention the first three times.
Day nine: WHY????? I am so upset. My love seems to have gotten a restraining order against me. I am so perturbed. Just because I stole one of the school brooms to hover outside his bedroom window and stare at him all night long for three weeks does not mean I am a threatening person. And just because they found fourteen pairs of his missing underwear in my room DOES NOT MEAN I NECESSARILY STOLE THEM!!! The authorities seemed to think my LETTERS were threatening! I completely disagree. Here's a sample of my best ones:
"My dearest Ronnie-pootie-wootie, sexy knickers, muscular man-bum, hot body- kins! I love you so much I could just EAT YOU UP! I would like to take pictures of you naked in the shower and send them out as Christmas cards!!! Whenever you're lying in your bed, smile towards the upper right corner of your room. Please? And if you shook your booty just a bit I would not mind. Neither would your fans on the internet!"
"Oh my sweet Ronnie poodle pumpkin pie! I need your hot loving like a crustation needs fish carcasses. I bought some whipping cream today; meet me at the giant grandfather clock in the third corridor for a good time! You arouse me almost as much as it does!"
I just knew he couldn't resist that one! But while I was waiting there, the wizard SWAT team jumped out and captured me with a net. It was SOOOOOOOO embarrassing! They said the letters I had written were obscene and just downright creepy. I thought they were sweet. ( I am so forlorn! Once I get out of Saint Mungos' Hospital mental ward, I will go out there and capture my sweet Bonny Ronny for my very own!
It is time for us to rescue you from the evil workings of Puberta's mind. (Those of you who are left still reading anyways.)
We realize that we included this as a chapter in our other story, 'The Freakiest Story You've Probably Ever Read", but we liked it so much we decided to make it a new story in its own right. Ps. Mugsy, my parakeet from Brooklyn says "Bumble." Caitlin made that up. This is an 'other character' story about a creepy, creepy child.
Harry Potter turned to his best friend, Ronald Weasley to ask for a piece of parchment.
"Hey Ron! Could I borrow a piece of parchment?" He asked.
No one knew this, but in the back of professor Flitwick's class there sat a girl. She was short with mousy brown hair that always seemed to hang limp about her face like a greasy 70's window shade made from noodles. She had crooked teeth and a lopsided smile. Her eyes were black, beady and unblinking that stared from behind her huge old lady, plastic glasses with a hungry thirst for something. We think it may be cheese. OR HUMAN SOULS! Her name was Puberta. She had been going to Hogwarts since the beginning of the series, but she was too mousy and too creepy to be mention by the esteemed author. So we must unveil the unspoken TRUTH!
The only other person she talked to was her pet lamp (and sometimes lover), Ralphy. And I don't think that really counts as a person, do you? Pubie (as she would be called by her friends, if she had any other than the ones in her head.) kept a diary. This diary she addressed to Ralphy, her lamp. It was fuzzy and purple and she scribbled in it madly every spare second. If you could pry it from her cold dead fingers, this is was it read:
Day one: Grew a sixth toe. It isn't very large, but I am working on it!!! Keep telling myself: 'I think I can, I THINK I can,' and it seems to be working. It's nearly a centimeter long today!
Day two: I have a crush on Ron Weasley. HEE HEE HEEEE!!! His ginger hair makes me swoon!
Day three: Does Ron like girls with more than ten toes???
Day four: Ended up toe was just some strange magical fungus / maloma. Damn, I was starting to feel sexy too. Like a man.
Day five: Wrote Ron an anonymous love letter today. Sent it to him by owl
"OH RONNY! You are so bonny. Your red hair reminds me of this one time I set a house on fire. I want to lock you in a trunk and take you out whenever I need sexual favors. I will never let you go ever, ever, EVER!!!" I think it's rather good. Almost poetic even!
Day six: Saw Ron receive my letter at the great hall this morning. I was so pleased! He seemed surprised when my frilly pink envelope landed in his lap. He must have been soooooo excited! But I am so confused! When he started to read the letter, his face fell. And he turned white and seemed to start hyperventilating and looking around the room in a frightened sort of way. Did he not like it? Or does he just look like that when he is aroused / in love?
Day seven: proposed to Ron today. Actually it was the first time I'd ever spoken to him. I don't think he really knew who I was. And I don't think he understood what I was saying because I got up really close to his ear and shouted it really fast and loud. He seemed surprised and after jumping and yelling, I think he may have smiled at me. Or maybe it was a grimace of pain after his ears started bleeding. I am so good. I know he wants me!
Day eight: I wore my best silky red lingerie set under my robes. I don't think he noticed. Then again, no one could see them. I should have cornered him and humped his leg again. It seemed to get his attention the first three times.
Day nine: WHY????? I am so upset. My love seems to have gotten a restraining order against me. I am so perturbed. Just because I stole one of the school brooms to hover outside his bedroom window and stare at him all night long for three weeks does not mean I am a threatening person. And just because they found fourteen pairs of his missing underwear in my room DOES NOT MEAN I NECESSARILY STOLE THEM!!! The authorities seemed to think my LETTERS were threatening! I completely disagree. Here's a sample of my best ones:
"My dearest Ronnie-pootie-wootie, sexy knickers, muscular man-bum, hot body- kins! I love you so much I could just EAT YOU UP! I would like to take pictures of you naked in the shower and send them out as Christmas cards!!! Whenever you're lying in your bed, smile towards the upper right corner of your room. Please? And if you shook your booty just a bit I would not mind. Neither would your fans on the internet!"
"Oh my sweet Ronnie poodle pumpkin pie! I need your hot loving like a crustation needs fish carcasses. I bought some whipping cream today; meet me at the giant grandfather clock in the third corridor for a good time! You arouse me almost as much as it does!"
I just knew he couldn't resist that one! But while I was waiting there, the wizard SWAT team jumped out and captured me with a net. It was SOOOOOOOO embarrassing! They said the letters I had written were obscene and just downright creepy. I thought they were sweet. ( I am so forlorn! Once I get out of Saint Mungos' Hospital mental ward, I will go out there and capture my sweet Bonny Ronny for my very own!
It is time for us to rescue you from the evil workings of Puberta's mind. (Those of you who are left still reading anyways.)