Ch. 17
I woke up Sunday morning feeling sick. Downstairs I could hear my parents cheerfully talking. I groaned and stuffed my face in my pillow as the last twenty-four hours came rushing to me. Mimi and Brady. Brady and Mimi. Chloe and nobody. It must have been around five- thirty in the morning, I'd spent the whole night staring at the ceiling, when I realized why I felt so horrible. Now I said the words out loud, just to see if they were still true.
"I'm in love with Brady," I whispered to myself. "And he's not in love with me." Saying that out loud was even harder than thinking it. I brushed my tears off of my face. It wasn't even ten yet and I was crying. What a wonderful life, I thought sarcastically. I rolled out of bed, forcing myself to repeat the truth over and over again.
When I couldn't stand my thoughts anymore, I put on my oldest pair of jeans and pulled on a sweatshirt. It was still early, but there was no point in putting off the inevitable. I had to break all ties with Brady, and I had to do it today.
I retrieved an old cardboard box from the hall closet, and I set it in the middle of my unmade bed. Slowly, I went around my room, going through all of the different mementos of my high-school years. Most of them reminded me of Brady in one way or another, and I felt fresh tears roll down my cheeks. I had to get rid of everything. Even the smallest souvenir reminded me of our friendship. And it would torture me to have it around.
I carefully place the teddy bear that Brady won me at a carnival. I'd named it Mr. Bear, because I couldn't think of anything else. The stuffed animal was followed by a pair of silver dangly earrings that Brady bought me for my birthday last year.
I went to my wall and took out all my framed pictures of us together. As I looked at his face smiling brightly in the pictures, my heart constricted painfully. I looked through my clothes drawers. I had almost a million of Brady's t-shirts that I never bothered to return.
"He'll be glad to get these back." I whispered, as I brought one of the shirts to my face.
After what seemed like a few minutes, the box was full. I took a glance around my room, and it now looked bare and impersonal. Most of my life has just been place into a cardboard box. There was nothing left.
I picked up the box and headed out my bedroom door. "Goodbye Mr. Bear," I said to the stuffed animal. "It's been nice knowing you."
*****
Marlena didn't stop me when I pushed past her and headed for Brady's room. I was on a mission and no one was going to stop me. The way to his room seemed to go on forever, and the box in my arms seemed to get heavier and heavier.
At the door of Brady's room, I dropped the box that landed with a big thump. Then I knocked loudly on the door, not caring if his parents thought I was crazy.
"What?" Brady yelled from inside. His voice sounded so familiar, so ihim/i, that I almost backed down.
But I shook my head, remembering that I had to be strong and do this. I'd known that confronting Brady would be hard, but there was no other option.
"It's me." I called sharply, forcing my voice not to crack. I opened the door and shoved the box into his room with my foot. Then I walked into his room, reminding myself to breath.
"What's up?" Brady asked, looking both sleepy and bewildered. His hair was rumpled and his covers were twisted around his torso. I didn't want to admit it, especially at a time like this, but he was still as sexy as ever. He could have been the poster boy for a mattress ad.
"I brought all of your stuff," I responded flatly. I really had no idea how I was going to explain why we couldn't be friends anymore. "I, um, realized that I, um, had a lot of your t-shirts."
He looked over at his clock by his bed. "Let me get this straight, you felt obliged to bring me my shirts at ten o'clock on a Sunday morning?"
"I had to," I said as if I just explained everything. "I'm sure your really tired after your date with Mimi, so I'll let you get back to sleep." I tuned on my heel, ready to flee.
"Wait!" Brady said, wide-awake now. "Will you please just tell me what's going on here? You're not making any sense."
I stared at the ground, desperately putting together what I should say. There seemed to be some holes in my plan to make a clean break. "We can't be friends anymore," I said finally.
Once I said it, I couldn't stop the flow of tears that poured down my cheeks. Brady was frowning, and he looked so lovable and trusting that I wanted to do nothing more than throw myself in his arms and beg him to fall in love with me. But then my gaze rested on his lips, and I pictured him kissing Mimi. The image sent a stabbing pain through my heart.
"Why not?" Brady asked, his voice shaky.
"Things between us aren't the same anymore," I said between sobs. "I can't really explain it better than that."
He was silent, staring at me, with his mouth hanging open. I wished that the floor would have just opened up and swallows me up, but nothing happened.
"You and Mimi would make a great couple," I said. "I wish you all the happiness"
"Mimi and I? We're not even."
"Don't say anything else!" I shouted. "I don't want to hear anything about it."
"But Chloe, this is insane! Worse than insane!" He had gotten out of bed, and was now walking towards me.
"I'm sorry Brady. I've failed as a friend. But please, don't say anything. Just leave me alone..forever."
I backed out of the room and slammed the door. I stumbled down the stairs, and ran out the front door. I heard Brady shouting my name, but I tried to block out the sound of his voice.
Once outside, I raced toward my car. Backing out of the driveway, I saw Brady standing at the front door. He was jumping up and down wildly waving his arms. Bravely, I looked away.
I sped down the street, leaving my heart behind.
***
I rolled down my window and let the air was over me. I felt like I was suffocating, and I needed air. I was driving aimlessly, praying that I could get Brady out of my head.
I turned on the radio. The low tones of the music filled the car, and I sank back in my seat.
I pulled into the parking lot of the movie theater, I didn't know how I ended up there, I just did. I rested my head on the steering wheel, taking deep breaths.
I had to get over this, I just had to. But how would I? I would never go to senior prom. Mimi and I wouldn't double date to winter ball like planned. I wouldn't get to do all the stuff with Brady that I loved to do. How did I end up in this mess?
When I pulled myself together, I looked over at what movies were playing today. I needed to do something that didn't consist of sitting in my car and feeling sorry for myself.
When I saw that Casablanca was playing at one o'clock, I got out of my car.
Casablanca was the movie Brady and I used to watch together. Back then, our feelings had been platonic, uncomplicated. If only I could turn back the clock.
When I bought the ticket the woman in the booth looked at me strangely. " The show doesn't start for another hour," she said. " You might want to come back later."
I shook my head. An empty movie theater was a place to be alone.
"It's ok, I'll wait." I answered, knowing I had tears in my voice.
"No problem, Hon." She said kindly. "Go on in."
Without any people, the theater felt eerie. But I sat down anyway. Worn out, I closed my eyes, blocking the empty row of seats out of my sight. Whether I had to wait an hour or a lifetime didn't matter. Life had lost it's meaning.
Ch. 18
I stood in the doorway until Chloe's car disappeared. My mom was standing behind me, looking shocked.
"What was that about?" She asked.
"It's a long story," I said, sighing.
Without another word, I went back to my room and put the box that Chloe gave me on my bed. With a sinking heart, I began looking at the contents in the box. When I found Mr. Bear at the bottom of the box, I held him to my chest and hid beneath my covers.
I didn't know what came over Chloe. Did Mimi tell her what I said last night? I shook my head. I know Mimi wouldn't tell.
I went over everything that happened since the day we made that dumb bet. Although we'd been fighting a lot more than usual, I'd never thought that Chloe would want to stop being my best friend. To me, the idea of us not being friends was as foreign as not breathing. We were meant to be together, and now she was tearing us apart. Why?
With all of my heart, I wanted to believe that she was jealous of me going on a date with Mimi. But it was Chloe's idea that I ask Mimi out in the first place. And it had been Chloe who was pining over Michael. Plus when I kissed her, it was her who had pulled away. As I remember her sobbing over Michael, I felt sick.
Throughout the morning, I picked up the various items that Chloe dropped off. Every time I looked at the stuffed bear's fuzzy face, a fresh wave of pain washed over me. Chloe had asked me to leave her alone, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Finally, I felt anger rush over me. Who exactly did Chloe think she was? Since when did she get to make all the decisions in our relationship? I picked up the phone, I was going to make her talk to me, even if I had to go to her house and barricade myself in her room.
I hung up when her answering machine went on. Somehow the idea of leaving a desperate message, with her possibly in the room listening, was too much to bear. I couldn't force her to talk to me. She'd just get mad. All I could do was. exactly nothing.
*****
I had no idea how much time passed when my mom stuck her head in my door. It could have been seconds, hours, days.
"Dad and I are going out," she said. "Are you going to be ok?"
I shoved Mr. Bear under my cover and nodded. "I'll be fine, I think I'll just hang out here for awhile."
She smiled, making me feel like I was five years old. "Okay. But don't stay in bed all day. It's not healthy." She shut my door, and I pulled Mr. Bear out.
When I was sure my parents left, I rolled out of bed. I went to the bathroom and made a small attempt to brush my teeth and wash my face. But even the thought of brushing my hair seemed like too much effort.
Still feeling as if I were a robot, I went to the kitchen and poured myself some coffee. Then I looked thought the paper, trying to get my mind off of Chloe.
I turned to the sports section, but as soon as I finished reading the score, I realized that I couldn't remember what I just read. I really couldn't care less. God, what was happening to me?
I turned to the art section. Maybe a movie could help distract me. My gaze fell over the ad for Casablanca. The film was showing at one o'clock. My thoughts then went straight to the last time I saw that film. I had called Chloe and we watched it over the phone together.
I looked at the clock. The movie started in about fifteen minutes. I raced to the front door, put on my coat, and grabbed my keys and wallet. Then I unconsciously grabbed the phone to call Chloe, to ask her to come with me.
But the second my hand touched the phone, I jerked it back. I forgot that the whole point of going to the movie was to distract myself from what had happened this morning. According to Chloe, I could never call her again.
Driving to the movie theater, I realized that watching Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman was not going to take my mind off of Chloe. If anything I'd cry when it got to the part where Sam played" As Time Goes By" for Ilsa.
I bought a ticket anyway. Nothing was going to stop me from thinking of Chloe anyway. I figured, I might as well be depressed in the haven of a dark theater.
"Are you meeting someone?" the lady at the ticket booth asked me.
"Nope. Far from it." I answered.
She shrugged. "There must be something in the air." She said, almost to herself.
"There must be." I said, not really knowing what she was talking bout.
Since I was already late, I went to buy some popcorn. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I felt like I was starving.
Inside, the small theater was only half full. Humphrey Bogart was on the screen. At that moment I could relate to Bogart, who was playing Rick. The character had lost his one true love, and now he was forced to live a meaningless life. He was so cool and untouchable, because nothing mattered to him anymore. I decided I was going to be like him from now on, a detached macho man without emotions or desires.
Lost in my thoughts, I waited for my eyes to adjust to the lighting. Then I moved forward slowly, looking for an empty area to sit. I wanted to be alone as possible during my mental breakdown.
When I got a third of the way down my aisle, my heart started pumping in my chest. The back of a familiar dark head was just few rows in front of me. Almost dropping my popcorn, I stopped in my tracks.
With one hand, I rubbed one eye, then the other. I was almost positive I was hallucinating. What were the chances that Chloe was sitting right before my very eyes, as If she knew I'd come and find her?
I close my eyes for a second, and when I opened them she was still there. As I started walking again I couldn't help but feel like, unlike Rick's, my romance was about to have a very happy ending.
I woke up Sunday morning feeling sick. Downstairs I could hear my parents cheerfully talking. I groaned and stuffed my face in my pillow as the last twenty-four hours came rushing to me. Mimi and Brady. Brady and Mimi. Chloe and nobody. It must have been around five- thirty in the morning, I'd spent the whole night staring at the ceiling, when I realized why I felt so horrible. Now I said the words out loud, just to see if they were still true.
"I'm in love with Brady," I whispered to myself. "And he's not in love with me." Saying that out loud was even harder than thinking it. I brushed my tears off of my face. It wasn't even ten yet and I was crying. What a wonderful life, I thought sarcastically. I rolled out of bed, forcing myself to repeat the truth over and over again.
When I couldn't stand my thoughts anymore, I put on my oldest pair of jeans and pulled on a sweatshirt. It was still early, but there was no point in putting off the inevitable. I had to break all ties with Brady, and I had to do it today.
I retrieved an old cardboard box from the hall closet, and I set it in the middle of my unmade bed. Slowly, I went around my room, going through all of the different mementos of my high-school years. Most of them reminded me of Brady in one way or another, and I felt fresh tears roll down my cheeks. I had to get rid of everything. Even the smallest souvenir reminded me of our friendship. And it would torture me to have it around.
I carefully place the teddy bear that Brady won me at a carnival. I'd named it Mr. Bear, because I couldn't think of anything else. The stuffed animal was followed by a pair of silver dangly earrings that Brady bought me for my birthday last year.
I went to my wall and took out all my framed pictures of us together. As I looked at his face smiling brightly in the pictures, my heart constricted painfully. I looked through my clothes drawers. I had almost a million of Brady's t-shirts that I never bothered to return.
"He'll be glad to get these back." I whispered, as I brought one of the shirts to my face.
After what seemed like a few minutes, the box was full. I took a glance around my room, and it now looked bare and impersonal. Most of my life has just been place into a cardboard box. There was nothing left.
I picked up the box and headed out my bedroom door. "Goodbye Mr. Bear," I said to the stuffed animal. "It's been nice knowing you."
*****
Marlena didn't stop me when I pushed past her and headed for Brady's room. I was on a mission and no one was going to stop me. The way to his room seemed to go on forever, and the box in my arms seemed to get heavier and heavier.
At the door of Brady's room, I dropped the box that landed with a big thump. Then I knocked loudly on the door, not caring if his parents thought I was crazy.
"What?" Brady yelled from inside. His voice sounded so familiar, so ihim/i, that I almost backed down.
But I shook my head, remembering that I had to be strong and do this. I'd known that confronting Brady would be hard, but there was no other option.
"It's me." I called sharply, forcing my voice not to crack. I opened the door and shoved the box into his room with my foot. Then I walked into his room, reminding myself to breath.
"What's up?" Brady asked, looking both sleepy and bewildered. His hair was rumpled and his covers were twisted around his torso. I didn't want to admit it, especially at a time like this, but he was still as sexy as ever. He could have been the poster boy for a mattress ad.
"I brought all of your stuff," I responded flatly. I really had no idea how I was going to explain why we couldn't be friends anymore. "I, um, realized that I, um, had a lot of your t-shirts."
He looked over at his clock by his bed. "Let me get this straight, you felt obliged to bring me my shirts at ten o'clock on a Sunday morning?"
"I had to," I said as if I just explained everything. "I'm sure your really tired after your date with Mimi, so I'll let you get back to sleep." I tuned on my heel, ready to flee.
"Wait!" Brady said, wide-awake now. "Will you please just tell me what's going on here? You're not making any sense."
I stared at the ground, desperately putting together what I should say. There seemed to be some holes in my plan to make a clean break. "We can't be friends anymore," I said finally.
Once I said it, I couldn't stop the flow of tears that poured down my cheeks. Brady was frowning, and he looked so lovable and trusting that I wanted to do nothing more than throw myself in his arms and beg him to fall in love with me. But then my gaze rested on his lips, and I pictured him kissing Mimi. The image sent a stabbing pain through my heart.
"Why not?" Brady asked, his voice shaky.
"Things between us aren't the same anymore," I said between sobs. "I can't really explain it better than that."
He was silent, staring at me, with his mouth hanging open. I wished that the floor would have just opened up and swallows me up, but nothing happened.
"You and Mimi would make a great couple," I said. "I wish you all the happiness"
"Mimi and I? We're not even."
"Don't say anything else!" I shouted. "I don't want to hear anything about it."
"But Chloe, this is insane! Worse than insane!" He had gotten out of bed, and was now walking towards me.
"I'm sorry Brady. I've failed as a friend. But please, don't say anything. Just leave me alone..forever."
I backed out of the room and slammed the door. I stumbled down the stairs, and ran out the front door. I heard Brady shouting my name, but I tried to block out the sound of his voice.
Once outside, I raced toward my car. Backing out of the driveway, I saw Brady standing at the front door. He was jumping up and down wildly waving his arms. Bravely, I looked away.
I sped down the street, leaving my heart behind.
***
I rolled down my window and let the air was over me. I felt like I was suffocating, and I needed air. I was driving aimlessly, praying that I could get Brady out of my head.
I turned on the radio. The low tones of the music filled the car, and I sank back in my seat.
I pulled into the parking lot of the movie theater, I didn't know how I ended up there, I just did. I rested my head on the steering wheel, taking deep breaths.
I had to get over this, I just had to. But how would I? I would never go to senior prom. Mimi and I wouldn't double date to winter ball like planned. I wouldn't get to do all the stuff with Brady that I loved to do. How did I end up in this mess?
When I pulled myself together, I looked over at what movies were playing today. I needed to do something that didn't consist of sitting in my car and feeling sorry for myself.
When I saw that Casablanca was playing at one o'clock, I got out of my car.
Casablanca was the movie Brady and I used to watch together. Back then, our feelings had been platonic, uncomplicated. If only I could turn back the clock.
When I bought the ticket the woman in the booth looked at me strangely. " The show doesn't start for another hour," she said. " You might want to come back later."
I shook my head. An empty movie theater was a place to be alone.
"It's ok, I'll wait." I answered, knowing I had tears in my voice.
"No problem, Hon." She said kindly. "Go on in."
Without any people, the theater felt eerie. But I sat down anyway. Worn out, I closed my eyes, blocking the empty row of seats out of my sight. Whether I had to wait an hour or a lifetime didn't matter. Life had lost it's meaning.
Ch. 18
I stood in the doorway until Chloe's car disappeared. My mom was standing behind me, looking shocked.
"What was that about?" She asked.
"It's a long story," I said, sighing.
Without another word, I went back to my room and put the box that Chloe gave me on my bed. With a sinking heart, I began looking at the contents in the box. When I found Mr. Bear at the bottom of the box, I held him to my chest and hid beneath my covers.
I didn't know what came over Chloe. Did Mimi tell her what I said last night? I shook my head. I know Mimi wouldn't tell.
I went over everything that happened since the day we made that dumb bet. Although we'd been fighting a lot more than usual, I'd never thought that Chloe would want to stop being my best friend. To me, the idea of us not being friends was as foreign as not breathing. We were meant to be together, and now she was tearing us apart. Why?
With all of my heart, I wanted to believe that she was jealous of me going on a date with Mimi. But it was Chloe's idea that I ask Mimi out in the first place. And it had been Chloe who was pining over Michael. Plus when I kissed her, it was her who had pulled away. As I remember her sobbing over Michael, I felt sick.
Throughout the morning, I picked up the various items that Chloe dropped off. Every time I looked at the stuffed bear's fuzzy face, a fresh wave of pain washed over me. Chloe had asked me to leave her alone, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Finally, I felt anger rush over me. Who exactly did Chloe think she was? Since when did she get to make all the decisions in our relationship? I picked up the phone, I was going to make her talk to me, even if I had to go to her house and barricade myself in her room.
I hung up when her answering machine went on. Somehow the idea of leaving a desperate message, with her possibly in the room listening, was too much to bear. I couldn't force her to talk to me. She'd just get mad. All I could do was. exactly nothing.
*****
I had no idea how much time passed when my mom stuck her head in my door. It could have been seconds, hours, days.
"Dad and I are going out," she said. "Are you going to be ok?"
I shoved Mr. Bear under my cover and nodded. "I'll be fine, I think I'll just hang out here for awhile."
She smiled, making me feel like I was five years old. "Okay. But don't stay in bed all day. It's not healthy." She shut my door, and I pulled Mr. Bear out.
When I was sure my parents left, I rolled out of bed. I went to the bathroom and made a small attempt to brush my teeth and wash my face. But even the thought of brushing my hair seemed like too much effort.
Still feeling as if I were a robot, I went to the kitchen and poured myself some coffee. Then I looked thought the paper, trying to get my mind off of Chloe.
I turned to the sports section, but as soon as I finished reading the score, I realized that I couldn't remember what I just read. I really couldn't care less. God, what was happening to me?
I turned to the art section. Maybe a movie could help distract me. My gaze fell over the ad for Casablanca. The film was showing at one o'clock. My thoughts then went straight to the last time I saw that film. I had called Chloe and we watched it over the phone together.
I looked at the clock. The movie started in about fifteen minutes. I raced to the front door, put on my coat, and grabbed my keys and wallet. Then I unconsciously grabbed the phone to call Chloe, to ask her to come with me.
But the second my hand touched the phone, I jerked it back. I forgot that the whole point of going to the movie was to distract myself from what had happened this morning. According to Chloe, I could never call her again.
Driving to the movie theater, I realized that watching Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman was not going to take my mind off of Chloe. If anything I'd cry when it got to the part where Sam played" As Time Goes By" for Ilsa.
I bought a ticket anyway. Nothing was going to stop me from thinking of Chloe anyway. I figured, I might as well be depressed in the haven of a dark theater.
"Are you meeting someone?" the lady at the ticket booth asked me.
"Nope. Far from it." I answered.
She shrugged. "There must be something in the air." She said, almost to herself.
"There must be." I said, not really knowing what she was talking bout.
Since I was already late, I went to buy some popcorn. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I felt like I was starving.
Inside, the small theater was only half full. Humphrey Bogart was on the screen. At that moment I could relate to Bogart, who was playing Rick. The character had lost his one true love, and now he was forced to live a meaningless life. He was so cool and untouchable, because nothing mattered to him anymore. I decided I was going to be like him from now on, a detached macho man without emotions or desires.
Lost in my thoughts, I waited for my eyes to adjust to the lighting. Then I moved forward slowly, looking for an empty area to sit. I wanted to be alone as possible during my mental breakdown.
When I got a third of the way down my aisle, my heart started pumping in my chest. The back of a familiar dark head was just few rows in front of me. Almost dropping my popcorn, I stopped in my tracks.
With one hand, I rubbed one eye, then the other. I was almost positive I was hallucinating. What were the chances that Chloe was sitting right before my very eyes, as If she knew I'd come and find her?
I close my eyes for a second, and when I opened them she was still there. As I started walking again I couldn't help but feel like, unlike Rick's, my romance was about to have a very happy ending.