Harry Potter and the Battle Against Loose Ends
Harry Potter sat in the back seat of the Dursley's car, and on Vernon's strict orders was making no sound whatsoever. After the three hour journey back from King's Cross, Harry quietly retrieved his trunk by himself and hauled into the house. He had almost forgotten how heavy the thing was without magic.
Vernon took this moment to yell at him, "BE QUIET! OR I'LL BEAT YOU! Wait – that wasn't right. How about… BE QUIET! OR I'LL PERSONALLY MAKE SURE YOU DO EVERY GARDENING CHORE THERE IS! No? To involved for me? Ok. BE QUIET! There. Simple."
Harry looked at his uncle with pure confusion. Vernon shrugged his shoulders, "It's been 9 months. I've got to perfect my mix of apathy with nastiness, without actually beating you."
However, before Harry could ask what various narcotics his uncle must be on, an owl arrived at the front door. "What is that bloody thing doing here?" Vernon demanded.
Harry ignored his uncle and read the note.
Harry,
Just thought I'd write you and let you know that Wormtail was caught, thereby freeing me. Wormtail was then killed by some death eaters, so he won't be posing any sort of future plot, especially involving your intricate bond of saving his life. So come on over – and you'll never have to see the Dursleys again!
- Sirius
Harry couldn't help but smile. He showed the letter to Vernon, who read it over and said, "Good. Get out of here. And don't come back."
"Sweet." Harry replied.
Harry knocked on his godfather's oak door, and Sirius threw the entrance open with a smile. "Harry!" he cried joyously.
Harry smiled back and said, "I'm so happy, Sirius! Anyway, what's going on?"
Sirius showed him in and said, "Remus is no longer a werewolf!"
"What?" Harry said, not believing his ears.
"Remus is cured!" Sirius crowed, "There was a new potion that prevents him from turning into a wolf! Or… maybe it was a spell. No, it was an herb. Or was it a… I don't remember. All I know is that Remus is fixed!"
Harry looked at his godfather, trying not to snigger.
"Harry!" Sirius scolded, "You have a sick mind! When I say Remus was fixed, I meant he was healed. That's it – you have to go see Dumbledore."
"What?" Harry asked, "It's the first day of summer!"
Harry trudged up to Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts at Sirius' insistence. Harry decided he wasn't up to guessing whatever candy the headmaster had taken a liking to, and simply knocked on the gargoyle's forehead. Dumbledore didn't appear to hear him, but after several seconds, the Gargoyle angrily sprung to life and yelled, "Fine! Just stop bonking my noggin and I'll let you in."
Harry went through the entrance, and Dumbledore said, "Hello Harry! Fancy seeing you this early!"
Harry grimaced, and said, "Sirius said I had a sick mind."
"That's not why you're here, Harry," Dumbledore replied gravely. "I need to tell you why Voldemort tried to kill you 14 years ago. I couldn't tell you 4 years ago, but I need to right now."
"Ok," Harry said, resolving not to worry about things not making sense.
"You're a direct descendant of the great Goat King: Bahahading," Dumbledore slowly said.
"Goat King?" Harry asked.
"Yes, the Goat King. Anyway, the Bahahading lineage has always been ridiculously powerful and there have been 23 prophesies about you. So Voldemort, despite all the warnings that you would 'be the child who conquered death' tried to kill you. And somehow you didn't die – nobody saw that one coming. And now you have to fulfill your destiny and kill Voldemort."
Harry thought a minute and asked, "Does that have anything to do with your look of triumph last year when I told you what happened with Voldemort?"
"Of course," Dumbledore beamed. "It has to do with the three ingredients to revive Voldemort. Long story short, you can kill him. Just say 'Hocus Pocus' when you see him. If I'm right, he'll die."
"Cool." Harry said.
However, before Harry and Dumbledore could talk anymore, two figures entered the office.
"Greetins!" Hagrid boomed. Snape merely scowled at Harry before nodding to the headmaster.
"How were your missions?" Dumbledore asked, leaning forward.
"Excellent!" Hagrid boomed.
"Peachy," Snape snarled.
Hagrid quickly said, "The giants have accepted! They'll join our side for the fight."
Snape scowled at the half giant and said, "I'm now a spy. I ruined the plan for the Death Eaters to free the Dementors at Azkaban. They found out, so I'm back here."
"Excellent!" Dumbledore said, "So we're back to no plot points! Simply excellent!"
Harry couldn't resist asking, "Am I going back to Sirius' house now?"
Dumbledore smiled and said, "No need. I've advanced the rate of time temporarily in the castle – the start-of-term feast is in three minutes. Speaking of which, it's time to head down to the Great Hall."
"Harry!" greeted Ron, Hermione, and the rest of the 5th years as they entered the Great Hall.
"Hey!" Harry called back, "How was summer?"
Hermione quickly spoke as if it were a rehearsed speech. "Bulgaria was fun and I enjoyed Viktor's company. But then we broke up and I spent some time at the Burrow. Ron asked me to any dances this year, and I accepted. Ginny's crush is over. That's about everything"
"Spiffing," Ron said, "but Dumbledore's about to make his speech."
Harry turned back around in time for Dumbledore's start-of-term announcements. "I've got great news!" Dumbledore spoke, "We've already used up most of the future plot-points from the previous four years!"
The majority of the Great Hall burst with frenzied and slightly confused applause. Draco Malfoy loudly yelled, "But… What are we supposed to do the rest of the year?"
"Ah, yes, I'm glad you asked that," Dumbledore said, eyes twinkling. "This is where I come up with all new plot points that are completely unrelated to the previous ones. Here goes. A prophecy was made fourty years ago that Harry would grow up to be the Goat King. He'll defeat the horrendously evil and unimaginably powerful chaos warlock of Bumphui.
"What about You-Know-Who?" Fred yelled out.
Dumbledore explained, "Oh, he's got nothing on the Chaos Warlock of Bumphui. No, the Chaos Warlock of Bumphui makes Voldemort look like a three legged dog at a canine kicking festival. And…"
However, Dumbledore was interrupted by Voldemort strolling in the entrance hall. "Am I late?"
"Nope," Dumbledore replied.
"Hocus Pocus," Harry quickly said. Voldemort suddenly fell into spasms of pain, and burst into a little poof of smoke.
"Wait a minute!" Draco yelled, "What's the point? You just killed off the most evil wizard of all time? Why should anyone worry about the story at this point?"
"Silence!" Dumbledore yelled. "Besides, didn't you hear what I just said? We have to worry about the horrendously evil and unimaginably powerful chaos warlock of Bumphui!"
Blaise Zambini stood up and said, "No, he's right. I mean, the whole idea of the Goat King trying to defeat a Chaos Warlock is completely separate from 'Harry Potter'. Shouldn't this be original fiction?"
Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry you don't understand. That would imply a need for genuine character development."
Harry would've listened to the rest of the headmaster's speech, but it was interrupted by a new figure bursting into existence by the staff table.
"Oh no," groaned Ron.
"Doesn't that guy have a life?" Hermione moaned.
"I've got bad news," called the new figure.
"Who are you?" asked a first year Ravenclaw, who had the excellent fortune of never having met the intruder before.
"I'm the author!" called the author. "Anyways, we can't continue the story."
Most of the collective student body stifled smiles, but a few of the masochists yelled, "Why not?"
"Simple," the author replied. "I'm tired of trying to come up with a plot. You think it's easy to finish off a Goat King vs. Bumphui Warlock novel? I'm just going to stop the story here."
"He can't do that, can he?" Harry asked Ron in a low voice.
"So, I regret to inform you," the author finished, "that this is the end." Suddenly, every student and professor in the Great Hall stopped moving, as if the world was put on pause. The wind blowing against the windows halted. The conversations abruptly stopped. Even the pumpkin juice dripping off the Hufflepuff table due to a spill was frozen in place. Never to move again.
The author looked around sadly and though Hmmm… I wonder if I should bother to tell the readers I'm not finishing the story…
---
Flame Awards Time!
Nightmare on MarySue Street
AVADA KEDAVRA!!!! (A flash of green light illuminates wherever you are reading this and Kevin lays sprawled on the floor, never to write bad fluff stories again)
But What About Ron?
my my arnt u a waste of 2 billion years of evolution.
Not Another James and Lily Fic
the shittiest piece of shit to ever be shitty. so unrealistic and stupid and THEY DON'T KNOW FANFIC EXISTS! GEEZ!!
Malfoy sings, Voldemort Laments, A Tragic Tale
U LITLE PICE OF CRAP LOOK I SHOUD WIN THE FLAME AWARD I'M DA BEST FLAMER LOOKERE- I CANT SPELL AT ALL!!11111 ISNTAT GREAT? YOU ARE BENEAHT ME_YOU GET TAT?!?! CURL UP AND DYE!111
Hogwarts: With Hormones
What is WRONG with you? You shouldn't be allowed to write. For all our sake, GO TO HELL!
Lumberjacks and Pining for Harry
…Put simply, I hate you and wish you an eternity in Hell, where you will be condemned to watch Tellytubbies for nineteen consecutive hours of the day, and spend the remaining five scouring Stan's toenails.
My final word: Burn.
Rite of Descent
*summons vast army of singing camp ninja penguins*
Fly my pretties, flyyyy!!! Mwahahahahaha!
*the penguins swoop down, and wreck Kevin's computer, rendering him unable to write fics*
Alright! Let's keep 'em coming! Despite everything, I still believe the best wit, sarcasm, and incomprehensibility is yet to come. Prove me right!