WANTING, WAITING, WAIVING, Chapter 3
By Reija Linn
I wake to the feeling of sunlight on my face and for a moment, I feel disorientated, before I recall where I am. Though it's not as bad as it was right after my escape - I used to wake up fearing I was still in my cell, ice-cold touch of the dementors around me - I'm not used to waking up in human form, in a comfortable, warm bed with real sheets and real blankets.
And as disorientation fades, I recall the last evening, and what passed between Remus and I...
The bed is empty, I note with slight disappointment. And the world around me is suddenly lit with the bright flames of shame. I shouldn't have told Remus about my feelings, and I shouldn't have let myself be so weak, yield to him, accepting a kiss that would, could, never lead to more.
Sighing at my own stupidity, I get out of bed, noticing the small pile of clothes on the bedside table. Deciding I can't put facing Remus off for any extended period of time anyway, I get dressed and somewhat dejectedly head down the stairs and to the kitchen (after a stop at the loo which, of course, I had managed to extend to a couple of minutes). I'd decided against a shower - though the thought of the warm spray of water is inviting, it would only trigger memories of last night, and that's exactly what I /don't/ want to think about right now...
In the kitchen, I find myself greeted by a brightly smiling Joyle, who at once sets about to make me a cup of tea.
"Alright, Sirius?"
Trying to fight down the green-eyed monster within me I reply "Alright?" then take a seat at the kitchen table that is still laid out for a French breakfast - croissants, toast, jam and butter, and a boiled egg.
"Sorry for the meagre breakfast - I usually leave early on working days, so we really only have the FEB on weekends, and Remus went to the library early this morning. Said he had to look some things up for the book he's writing." She smiles at me again, placing a cup of tea, milk and sugar on the table. "I could fry sausages, though, if you'd like some, and I suppose we have a tin of tomatoes somewhere..."
"No thanks, the French will do fine."
Joyle sighs, then takes a seat across the table from me. And I sincerely wish she would stop smiling at me like that. It makes me feel even guiltier for imposing myself on their lives. Additionally, I want nothing more than to be able to hate her, but how can I hate someone for being friendly and in love with someone I love also? After all, it's not her fault I feel this way...
"How did you sleep?" she asks me, her eyes lit with genuine concern. Damn her.
"Well, I suppose. No nightmares. Sorry for keeping Remus from you, though." Darn it, and I had wanted to keep the conversation as far as possible from that...
"Don't worry yourself about it. Remus and I've been sharing the same bed for what, thirteen years now, so what's one night? I assure you, I survived the separation."
Too. Much. Information.
Suddenly, a thought strikes my mind.
"Didn't you just say you have to work on weekdays? It's Thursday, isn't it?"
"Well... I took the day off."
"You... um." I try to hide my discomfort by biting off a piece of croissant. Either she stayed back to look after me, or... "You and Remus... you don't... you're not... you don't have... kids... do you?" I manage to choke.
For some reason, Joyle laughs before shaking her head. "Not exactly. No. We do have Star, though."
For the first time, I notice the bundle of black fur hidden beneath the table as a head shoots up, ears picked. Surprised, I nearly jump up from my seat. The dog playfully imitates my gesture by leaping back a pace, front lowered, tail wagging. There's a decidedly roguish look in his dark brown eyes, I'll swear to it.
"May I introduce - Star."
Wondering at the name, I lower myself to the ground. Star's tail begins wagging furiously, his deep eyes still seeming to challenge, even mock me.
"We got him three years ago - or rather, he got us. Don't know where he came from, but we suspect he was set out to die by his owner, and somehow, he found our house and waited for us at the doorstep, I found him one morning when I went out to get the milk. He was only a puppy, then."
Joyle's voice washes over me as I regard the young dog. The young, black dog, reminding me so much of my animagus form. Star. Remus used to call me that as a joke, back in our school years.
Star suddenly jumps forward, bumping his nose against my knee, then leaps backwards again, an air of expectancy around him. I lunge. And miss. And lunge forward again. From the doorway, Star waggs his tail at me, and I swear, if dogs can grin - and they can, actually - this dog is grinning like mad.
"Think you're clever, pup?" I shout, somewhat childishly, and before I know what exactly I'm doing, I'm chasing after the young devil, tail wagging behind me, out of the house as Joyle opens the front door - no doubt to prevent her home from being demolished.
Ah, freedom.
Barking in victory, I finally run into the side of the dog, softly biting his neck - not so much that it hurts, only to show him who the older mutt around here is.
With a small yelp, Star returns the gesture, and soon we're racing and scrapping like a pair of pups, playfully pinching each other, but never really hurting.
"So, you've found a playmate, Sirius."
Wagging my tail, I come to a halt. Remus.
"Thought you'd like him."
Back still turned to where Remus' voice comes from, I transform. And, slowly, turn around to face my best friend.
Standing right in front of me, a bundle of books under his arm, wearing that damnable loopsided grin that had made me want to kiss him ever since our early years at Hogwarts, face framed by soft, slightly curled hair the colour of dark honey.
"You called him Star."
"So I did, indeed."
"Why?" It's hard to keep my voice from trembling when looking into his amber coloured eyes, lit with amusement, and yet, a sadness that mirrors my own.
"He." Eyes never leaving mine, I can feel Remus struggling for words. "He reminded me of you."
"You thought I was a murderer, three years ago." I take great care in making this a statement, not an accusation. The evidence, back then, was crushing. I couldn't have expected Remus to believe me innocent.
"I still missed you. And I still..."
Voice trembling as I step that last bit closer to Remus I prod, "Yes?"
He regards me for a long moment, then sighs, turning away from me. "I still couldn't help loving you."
And with these words, Remus walks towards the house, where his wife is waiting, as I fall to my knees, shaking by the confession.
Star, who had obviously sensed the strained emotions between Remus and I, slowly taps towards me, dropping his head on my thigh. Stroking the dog behind his ears, I mutter,
"What a mess. What a bloody mess."
A/N: Sorry for the short, non-saying chapter. My muses seem to be celebrating an extended bank holiday at the local pub - so I'm on my own right now ;) I promise, there will be more Sirius/Remus interaction in this story!
By Reija Linn
I wake to the feeling of sunlight on my face and for a moment, I feel disorientated, before I recall where I am. Though it's not as bad as it was right after my escape - I used to wake up fearing I was still in my cell, ice-cold touch of the dementors around me - I'm not used to waking up in human form, in a comfortable, warm bed with real sheets and real blankets.
And as disorientation fades, I recall the last evening, and what passed between Remus and I...
The bed is empty, I note with slight disappointment. And the world around me is suddenly lit with the bright flames of shame. I shouldn't have told Remus about my feelings, and I shouldn't have let myself be so weak, yield to him, accepting a kiss that would, could, never lead to more.
Sighing at my own stupidity, I get out of bed, noticing the small pile of clothes on the bedside table. Deciding I can't put facing Remus off for any extended period of time anyway, I get dressed and somewhat dejectedly head down the stairs and to the kitchen (after a stop at the loo which, of course, I had managed to extend to a couple of minutes). I'd decided against a shower - though the thought of the warm spray of water is inviting, it would only trigger memories of last night, and that's exactly what I /don't/ want to think about right now...
In the kitchen, I find myself greeted by a brightly smiling Joyle, who at once sets about to make me a cup of tea.
"Alright, Sirius?"
Trying to fight down the green-eyed monster within me I reply "Alright?" then take a seat at the kitchen table that is still laid out for a French breakfast - croissants, toast, jam and butter, and a boiled egg.
"Sorry for the meagre breakfast - I usually leave early on working days, so we really only have the FEB on weekends, and Remus went to the library early this morning. Said he had to look some things up for the book he's writing." She smiles at me again, placing a cup of tea, milk and sugar on the table. "I could fry sausages, though, if you'd like some, and I suppose we have a tin of tomatoes somewhere..."
"No thanks, the French will do fine."
Joyle sighs, then takes a seat across the table from me. And I sincerely wish she would stop smiling at me like that. It makes me feel even guiltier for imposing myself on their lives. Additionally, I want nothing more than to be able to hate her, but how can I hate someone for being friendly and in love with someone I love also? After all, it's not her fault I feel this way...
"How did you sleep?" she asks me, her eyes lit with genuine concern. Damn her.
"Well, I suppose. No nightmares. Sorry for keeping Remus from you, though." Darn it, and I had wanted to keep the conversation as far as possible from that...
"Don't worry yourself about it. Remus and I've been sharing the same bed for what, thirteen years now, so what's one night? I assure you, I survived the separation."
Too. Much. Information.
Suddenly, a thought strikes my mind.
"Didn't you just say you have to work on weekdays? It's Thursday, isn't it?"
"Well... I took the day off."
"You... um." I try to hide my discomfort by biting off a piece of croissant. Either she stayed back to look after me, or... "You and Remus... you don't... you're not... you don't have... kids... do you?" I manage to choke.
For some reason, Joyle laughs before shaking her head. "Not exactly. No. We do have Star, though."
For the first time, I notice the bundle of black fur hidden beneath the table as a head shoots up, ears picked. Surprised, I nearly jump up from my seat. The dog playfully imitates my gesture by leaping back a pace, front lowered, tail wagging. There's a decidedly roguish look in his dark brown eyes, I'll swear to it.
"May I introduce - Star."
Wondering at the name, I lower myself to the ground. Star's tail begins wagging furiously, his deep eyes still seeming to challenge, even mock me.
"We got him three years ago - or rather, he got us. Don't know where he came from, but we suspect he was set out to die by his owner, and somehow, he found our house and waited for us at the doorstep, I found him one morning when I went out to get the milk. He was only a puppy, then."
Joyle's voice washes over me as I regard the young dog. The young, black dog, reminding me so much of my animagus form. Star. Remus used to call me that as a joke, back in our school years.
Star suddenly jumps forward, bumping his nose against my knee, then leaps backwards again, an air of expectancy around him. I lunge. And miss. And lunge forward again. From the doorway, Star waggs his tail at me, and I swear, if dogs can grin - and they can, actually - this dog is grinning like mad.
"Think you're clever, pup?" I shout, somewhat childishly, and before I know what exactly I'm doing, I'm chasing after the young devil, tail wagging behind me, out of the house as Joyle opens the front door - no doubt to prevent her home from being demolished.
Ah, freedom.
Barking in victory, I finally run into the side of the dog, softly biting his neck - not so much that it hurts, only to show him who the older mutt around here is.
With a small yelp, Star returns the gesture, and soon we're racing and scrapping like a pair of pups, playfully pinching each other, but never really hurting.
"So, you've found a playmate, Sirius."
Wagging my tail, I come to a halt. Remus.
"Thought you'd like him."
Back still turned to where Remus' voice comes from, I transform. And, slowly, turn around to face my best friend.
Standing right in front of me, a bundle of books under his arm, wearing that damnable loopsided grin that had made me want to kiss him ever since our early years at Hogwarts, face framed by soft, slightly curled hair the colour of dark honey.
"You called him Star."
"So I did, indeed."
"Why?" It's hard to keep my voice from trembling when looking into his amber coloured eyes, lit with amusement, and yet, a sadness that mirrors my own.
"He." Eyes never leaving mine, I can feel Remus struggling for words. "He reminded me of you."
"You thought I was a murderer, three years ago." I take great care in making this a statement, not an accusation. The evidence, back then, was crushing. I couldn't have expected Remus to believe me innocent.
"I still missed you. And I still..."
Voice trembling as I step that last bit closer to Remus I prod, "Yes?"
He regards me for a long moment, then sighs, turning away from me. "I still couldn't help loving you."
And with these words, Remus walks towards the house, where his wife is waiting, as I fall to my knees, shaking by the confession.
Star, who had obviously sensed the strained emotions between Remus and I, slowly taps towards me, dropping his head on my thigh. Stroking the dog behind his ears, I mutter,
"What a mess. What a bloody mess."
A/N: Sorry for the short, non-saying chapter. My muses seem to be celebrating an extended bank holiday at the local pub - so I'm on my own right now ;) I promise, there will be more Sirius/Remus interaction in this story!