WANTING, WAITING, WAIVING, Chapter 4
By Reija Linn
The feeling of soft toil under my paws, wind whistling past my ears, landscapes of black, white and grey rushing by, somewhat soothing in the scattered turmoil of my thoughts as I run faster and faster, trying to outspeed the thoughts that will not leave my mind, 'what ifs' crumbling my defences, eating at my soul as fiercely as the dementors back in Azkaban.
'What if' I had believed in Remus back then.
'What if' I had told him before.
'What if'...
Yet, futile thoughts, unfruitful. I cannot change the past, cannot turn back time. Cannot will these past fourteen years away, cannot challenge fate to correct her mistake, for it was mine alone.
"I still couldn't help loving you."
All those years? And yet, hopeless, thanks to my own stupidity...
"I need some time to think."
And I wanted to give you that time. I wanted you to come to me of your will and volition, not merely triggered by the endorphin-induced wanting arousal produced by your first kiss.
"You have all the time you need."
Words spoken, words meant...
"I will be there, waiting."
... Promise broken by mistrust and fear. If I live a hundred years or more from now, I will never forget your face the day after the showdown. I will never forget my final realisation of 'how could I mistrust the one person who makes me whole.'
Why, why did you tell me now? Why after all these years, with *her* by your side. Perhaps... I could never forget about the feelings I have for you, but perhaps, if you hadn't told me, I could have buried them in the back of my mind, as I had done in Hogwart's. Come to terms with it, as soon as I regain my emotional barriers, shattered during the decade in Azkaban...
There are tears on my face I never noticed crying. I can't have cried, because I'm in doggy form, and dogs cannot cry.
It is raining. This is the first thing I notice of my surroundings as I finally come to a halt, panting heavily. I don't know where I am. It must have been raining for ages, because my fur is soaking wet.
To my right, I spot an abandoned work shed, obviously used by lumberjacks to staple wood. Shelter.
Once in the safety of the shed, I transform, always risky considering I'm a wanted man, but at least my clothes are dry after the transformation, and I can use magic to light a non-wood-burning fire - and after all, the chances that someone shows up here now are quite slim.
The smell of wood reminds me of the time we camped, right after graduating from Hogwarts, in some godforsaken place in Scotland. All of Gryffindor's freshly graduated witches and wizards, those wooden huts with their earthly scent, and of course the banisters of alcohol we'd brought along to celebrate - good old English scrumpy, donated to us for little money, courtesy of Mrs. Aurelia Black herself. There are advantages to growing up on a cider farm. The narrow beds we had to share there, two to one bunk. That night I got so arseholed I could hardly stand, just to numb the thoughts in my mind. That this could be the last time for me to share Remus' bed, as we would no longer share a dorm. No more regular sharing a bed after each full moon. My guilty longing for him to *need* me, because I needed him so much, and it was the one thing that set apart my relationship with him from those I had to my other friends.
Almost funny, that evening, in retrospect. Especially my bet with Lily, always the perspective one. She'd noticed my attraction to Remus, though heaven knows how. She called it a woman's intuition, though I had the sneaking impression that it had something to do with that very illegal drinking night we had one summer holiday, when she'd discovered she loved James though he was still going out with some girl from Ravenclaw. Lils and I were practically neighbours down at summerset, and boy could that girl hold her bevvy. Drank me right under the table. Or would have, if there'd been a table up in the old hayloft at her parent's place.
She'd dared me to tell Remus, last day of camp. I didn't, of course. I was kind of preoccupied with retching my brains out outside the hut. I don't believe she ever stopped teasing me about it as long... as long as she lived.
Though I wonder. What if I'd told Remus back then? What if I hadn't tried to numb my nervousness with alcohol and had just set out and told him? Would he have understood, even back then? Would he have been able to... to love me? But then, he'd been so surprised, that time we kissed, so confused... would it have made any difference at all?
Is it the memory or the after affect of my run through the countryside? I'm suddenly feeling so light-headed... I should probably transform and put out the fire, least I fall asleep and someone finds me. God, but I'm feeling so weak, all of a sudden...
***
"Padfoot!"
Is that Remus' voice, so distant? A yelp near my ear shakes me to half-awareness at least, as well as the overly loud sound of ripping fabric.
"Sir!" Rough hands try to shake me to complete awareness. Can't he just go away and leave me here? Where did Remus come from so suddenly anyway? He can't have followed me all that way from his house, can he? I was running so fast...
"Sir, can you hear me? Open your eyes, goddamnit, you bloody bastard!"
Personally, I think that was a little uncalled for. What business is it of his anyway if I want to lie around here? Maybe die...
A sudden hard slap to my cheek, ringing unnaturally loud, leaving a dull, pounding sensation in my right ear, is followed by the feeling of hard pressure on my left leg, and then the tingling sensation of a spell.
"Did you want to *bleed* to death out here, you stupid prick?!"
Bleed?
Soft pressure on my wrist, suddenly gentle fingers shaking...
What does he mean, bleed to death? I'm not bleeding, am I?
Soft arms around me, so strong, yet so careful... the world is in a blur around me, yet I can feel his body temperature, so hot...
Hot lips on mine, the taste of life... as if pure, sparkling energy were invading my body...
"What..."
"First aid."
Dimly, I seem to remember a Magic Medics lesson from school. Something to do with erythrocytes, and how only a trained medic with profound summoning knowledge can replicate them using magic, but triggering cell procrastination is easier, if you're willing to use your own life power...
But why should I suffer of blood loss? I can't remember sustaining a wound anywhere on my way here...
It is easier to think now, as the swindle and nausea I'm feeling subside with the gentle pressure of his lips on mine, not a kiss, more like a breath of life...
Slowly, I open my eyes, my gaze directly reflected by Remus' hazel eyes; those nut-brown depths sparkled with gold. I'd always believed these eyes could drown a man if he gazed upon them too long.
"Feeling better now?"
I nod, though I still don't know why I should have felt bad, only that I did.
"You scared me, Sirius. Surely, you could have fixed that blasted wound before slipping into shock?"
"Wound?"
"Of course, you prat. Don't tell me you didn't notice your thigh being ripped half-open!"
"Ripped open? Why do you..."
But he's right. A large pool of clumpy blood has collected next to my left leg. "How...?"
"You really didn't notice? Running right into a broken fence?" His voice sounds incredulous.
"How did you find me? Why...?"
"I thought I'd better go look for you when the rain started. I was afraid Star would loose your scent, because it was pouring, but... but then he found the blood trail, and..."
"Oh."
"That's all you have to say after nearly fricking *dying* on me? You really have some nerve!"
"'m sorry."
I can hear Remus sigh, then his arms enclose me once more, hard, shaking pressure that only hints at the feeling behind it. I really am sorry. Hadn't I sworn to myself never to cause him pain again? How had I missed obtaining such a large wound, anyway? Remus just said I was suffering from shock. Perhaps that was the reason? Or maybe...
Maybe a part of me had really wanted to die.
TBC
Author's comments: More to follow soon, for real this time ;) And I don't know about you, but I would gladly accept that kind of first aid from Remus ;P (liberty with medicine taken - and yes, as a trainee nurse, I do actually know my medicine - as a means of fan service *g*. And who's to tell me how that kind of magic works in the HP world anyway? *smirks*) Now, am I obsessed with angst? Vade retro, bloody-awful Drow muse!
By Reija Linn
The feeling of soft toil under my paws, wind whistling past my ears, landscapes of black, white and grey rushing by, somewhat soothing in the scattered turmoil of my thoughts as I run faster and faster, trying to outspeed the thoughts that will not leave my mind, 'what ifs' crumbling my defences, eating at my soul as fiercely as the dementors back in Azkaban.
'What if' I had believed in Remus back then.
'What if' I had told him before.
'What if'...
Yet, futile thoughts, unfruitful. I cannot change the past, cannot turn back time. Cannot will these past fourteen years away, cannot challenge fate to correct her mistake, for it was mine alone.
"I still couldn't help loving you."
All those years? And yet, hopeless, thanks to my own stupidity...
"I need some time to think."
And I wanted to give you that time. I wanted you to come to me of your will and volition, not merely triggered by the endorphin-induced wanting arousal produced by your first kiss.
"You have all the time you need."
Words spoken, words meant...
"I will be there, waiting."
... Promise broken by mistrust and fear. If I live a hundred years or more from now, I will never forget your face the day after the showdown. I will never forget my final realisation of 'how could I mistrust the one person who makes me whole.'
Why, why did you tell me now? Why after all these years, with *her* by your side. Perhaps... I could never forget about the feelings I have for you, but perhaps, if you hadn't told me, I could have buried them in the back of my mind, as I had done in Hogwart's. Come to terms with it, as soon as I regain my emotional barriers, shattered during the decade in Azkaban...
There are tears on my face I never noticed crying. I can't have cried, because I'm in doggy form, and dogs cannot cry.
It is raining. This is the first thing I notice of my surroundings as I finally come to a halt, panting heavily. I don't know where I am. It must have been raining for ages, because my fur is soaking wet.
To my right, I spot an abandoned work shed, obviously used by lumberjacks to staple wood. Shelter.
Once in the safety of the shed, I transform, always risky considering I'm a wanted man, but at least my clothes are dry after the transformation, and I can use magic to light a non-wood-burning fire - and after all, the chances that someone shows up here now are quite slim.
The smell of wood reminds me of the time we camped, right after graduating from Hogwarts, in some godforsaken place in Scotland. All of Gryffindor's freshly graduated witches and wizards, those wooden huts with their earthly scent, and of course the banisters of alcohol we'd brought along to celebrate - good old English scrumpy, donated to us for little money, courtesy of Mrs. Aurelia Black herself. There are advantages to growing up on a cider farm. The narrow beds we had to share there, two to one bunk. That night I got so arseholed I could hardly stand, just to numb the thoughts in my mind. That this could be the last time for me to share Remus' bed, as we would no longer share a dorm. No more regular sharing a bed after each full moon. My guilty longing for him to *need* me, because I needed him so much, and it was the one thing that set apart my relationship with him from those I had to my other friends.
Almost funny, that evening, in retrospect. Especially my bet with Lily, always the perspective one. She'd noticed my attraction to Remus, though heaven knows how. She called it a woman's intuition, though I had the sneaking impression that it had something to do with that very illegal drinking night we had one summer holiday, when she'd discovered she loved James though he was still going out with some girl from Ravenclaw. Lils and I were practically neighbours down at summerset, and boy could that girl hold her bevvy. Drank me right under the table. Or would have, if there'd been a table up in the old hayloft at her parent's place.
She'd dared me to tell Remus, last day of camp. I didn't, of course. I was kind of preoccupied with retching my brains out outside the hut. I don't believe she ever stopped teasing me about it as long... as long as she lived.
Though I wonder. What if I'd told Remus back then? What if I hadn't tried to numb my nervousness with alcohol and had just set out and told him? Would he have understood, even back then? Would he have been able to... to love me? But then, he'd been so surprised, that time we kissed, so confused... would it have made any difference at all?
Is it the memory or the after affect of my run through the countryside? I'm suddenly feeling so light-headed... I should probably transform and put out the fire, least I fall asleep and someone finds me. God, but I'm feeling so weak, all of a sudden...
***
"Padfoot!"
Is that Remus' voice, so distant? A yelp near my ear shakes me to half-awareness at least, as well as the overly loud sound of ripping fabric.
"Sir!" Rough hands try to shake me to complete awareness. Can't he just go away and leave me here? Where did Remus come from so suddenly anyway? He can't have followed me all that way from his house, can he? I was running so fast...
"Sir, can you hear me? Open your eyes, goddamnit, you bloody bastard!"
Personally, I think that was a little uncalled for. What business is it of his anyway if I want to lie around here? Maybe die...
A sudden hard slap to my cheek, ringing unnaturally loud, leaving a dull, pounding sensation in my right ear, is followed by the feeling of hard pressure on my left leg, and then the tingling sensation of a spell.
"Did you want to *bleed* to death out here, you stupid prick?!"
Bleed?
Soft pressure on my wrist, suddenly gentle fingers shaking...
What does he mean, bleed to death? I'm not bleeding, am I?
Soft arms around me, so strong, yet so careful... the world is in a blur around me, yet I can feel his body temperature, so hot...
Hot lips on mine, the taste of life... as if pure, sparkling energy were invading my body...
"What..."
"First aid."
Dimly, I seem to remember a Magic Medics lesson from school. Something to do with erythrocytes, and how only a trained medic with profound summoning knowledge can replicate them using magic, but triggering cell procrastination is easier, if you're willing to use your own life power...
But why should I suffer of blood loss? I can't remember sustaining a wound anywhere on my way here...
It is easier to think now, as the swindle and nausea I'm feeling subside with the gentle pressure of his lips on mine, not a kiss, more like a breath of life...
Slowly, I open my eyes, my gaze directly reflected by Remus' hazel eyes; those nut-brown depths sparkled with gold. I'd always believed these eyes could drown a man if he gazed upon them too long.
"Feeling better now?"
I nod, though I still don't know why I should have felt bad, only that I did.
"You scared me, Sirius. Surely, you could have fixed that blasted wound before slipping into shock?"
"Wound?"
"Of course, you prat. Don't tell me you didn't notice your thigh being ripped half-open!"
"Ripped open? Why do you..."
But he's right. A large pool of clumpy blood has collected next to my left leg. "How...?"
"You really didn't notice? Running right into a broken fence?" His voice sounds incredulous.
"How did you find me? Why...?"
"I thought I'd better go look for you when the rain started. I was afraid Star would loose your scent, because it was pouring, but... but then he found the blood trail, and..."
"Oh."
"That's all you have to say after nearly fricking *dying* on me? You really have some nerve!"
"'m sorry."
I can hear Remus sigh, then his arms enclose me once more, hard, shaking pressure that only hints at the feeling behind it. I really am sorry. Hadn't I sworn to myself never to cause him pain again? How had I missed obtaining such a large wound, anyway? Remus just said I was suffering from shock. Perhaps that was the reason? Or maybe...
Maybe a part of me had really wanted to die.
TBC
Author's comments: More to follow soon, for real this time ;) And I don't know about you, but I would gladly accept that kind of first aid from Remus ;P (liberty with medicine taken - and yes, as a trainee nurse, I do actually know my medicine - as a means of fan service *g*. And who's to tell me how that kind of magic works in the HP world anyway? *smirks*) Now, am I obsessed with angst? Vade retro, bloody-awful Drow muse!