WANTING, WAITING, WAIVING, Chapter 5
By Reija Linn
Warm arms enclosing me, longed shelter in the darkness. Remus arms around me, as the rain falls softly outside the small shed. That feeling, a wish... let this evening never end, let reality subside to what feels so *right*. Let us just be immortal, in one never-ending night together.
Velvet lips touch mine in a kiss so sweet, so gentle, almost... afraid. Forbidden pleasure, luring me into darkness.
Memories of last night, distorted. We both cried so easily, then. But the tears of my soul won't well to my eyes today. Only sadness, unspoken by tears, mirages in both my eyes and his.
"Why?"
I hear the word, spoken by my own tongue, but it is so distant compared to Remus' form before me.
"Why what?"
"Why..." I swallow. I know that asking him is wrong, because I shouldn't force him to confront his own turmoil, not in the position I am in. Yet, how should I live, with that question unanswered? "You... what you told me earlier. Why? Why did you tell me at all?"
Will this darkness never flee? Will I ever be able to look into his eyes without seeing underlying sadness again?
"I did mean what I said, you know."
"That's not what I asked."
"I know."
Silence. He is uncomfortable, I can tell, because he shifts away from me, and his eyes are pleading with me not to demand an answer. But, just as well as I would do anything else for you, my love, as well as I would walk through fire, confront hell and the heavens, just as well as I would die for you, I cannot forget what you said, and I cannot live with myself if it means never to receive an answer. If I can't have you, at least be kind enough to give me closure, the knowledge that it will never be.
"Do you truly love her?"
"..."
"Remus, at least give me the answers I need. Tell me you love her and could never wish for anything more than her love, and that I should just bugger off, and maybe I can."
"No."
"No?"
"No, I do not, not in the way you mean... I... I only ever loved one person, who - unintentionally - broke my heart."
"So. You married her."
He sighs, then shakes his head. His eyes are as dry as mine. We have both seen too much of life to cry in a situation like this. Last night... last night's tears were the emotions of fourteen years, bulked up, never shed, that came out all at once.
"No, Sirius. I married her because... I... I do love her. More than anyone else in my life, save for... It's just, James and Lily were gone, you were... and we thought Peter was... Suddenly, we were the only two left of our circle, and it was painful, and lonely. Being a werewolf, I never had any other friends, except for the lot of you. And Joyle... everywhere she went, people were telling her how sorry they felt for her, and how hard it had to be, but none of them really knew. Because, of course, everyone was so happy Voldemort was gone. So we spent almost all of our time together, for comfort, because we desperately needed a friend."
"You married for comfort? Friendship?"
"No. We married because Joyle was pregnant. And because there was no one else to wait for. And because we did love each other. Just not the way we had loved other people in our lives."
"Preg...?" The thought turns in my head. Pregnant? From Peter, or from Remus? And either way, what happened to the kid... I'd asked Joyle whether they had kids. She had...
"She inherited lycanthrophy. Our daughter died before her first birthday."
"But... Remus, I'm sorry about that, I truly am, because I know that must have been so hard for you, but I *asked* Joyle whether you had kids, and she laughed. She laughed it off. I..."
"Joyle may seem like a happy person, twenty-four-seven. In truth, she just knows how to mask her feelings. That's why she could survive the questions and the pain of loosing the one she loved. That's why she could welcome you with a smile when you came to our house yesterday."
"She..."
"Of course she knows. That's why we came together back then. She had lost Peter. And I... I had lost you. It was what brought us together."
"And now?"
Remus shakes his head yet again, as if to shake off a fly or a paining thought.
"My feelings since then haven't changed. Unfortunately, hers have. That is also the reason why I went in to see her before though I knew what I said must have struck you. She may act as if she didn't care, but me spending the night in your bed instead of hers pained her more than words can say. Whatever happened or didn't happen. She understands, of course, that you needed comfort. That doesn't mean she isn't unhappy about it."
"Where... where does that leave *us*, though?"
I can practically see his face fall from sadness to expressionless, with a hint of 'I'm sorry'. And I have all the answers I need. He won't leave her. Whatever I hoped for all those years, whatever feeble hope it was that sustained me in Azkaban, it will never be. Because he won't leave her for me.
"I can't, Sir. When Joyle heard about Peter... I can't be the one to hurt her even more with all she's suffered through already. And I know that sounds hypocritical, because you've been through Azkaban... but I *promised* her. I *promised* her I wouldn't leave her, that I would always take care of her, the day we married. And again, the day Selena died..."
"You never were one to break a promise, were you? I guess I have to accept that. It's one of the things I love about you, after all. I'm the prick who can't even stand up to what he says." An uncomfortable silence settles between us, the rain outside as loud as war drums as the drops fall heavily onto the roof of the hut.
"So. Are we going back, then? Don't worry, I won't lynch her for loving you. *That* would be hypocritical."
More silence, until Remus finally smiles a shaky smile.
"I took Cherubim - our owl - with me when I went looking for you. I sent Joyle a message that I would probably not return before tomorrow, because I thought you would need medical treatment when we found the blood trail. And you probably shouldn't be using your leg until the wound's healed. I only put a stitching spell on it, and the healing magic will take a couple of hours anyway to completely close the wound..."
"Then stay here with me. Only for tonight. Not... nothing has to happen. I don't think it could anyway, even if I wanted it to, at the moment. Just stay with me? One more time?"
"... Okay. Sir... I'm sorry. I really, really am sorry about all of this."
TBC
By Reija Linn
Warm arms enclosing me, longed shelter in the darkness. Remus arms around me, as the rain falls softly outside the small shed. That feeling, a wish... let this evening never end, let reality subside to what feels so *right*. Let us just be immortal, in one never-ending night together.
Velvet lips touch mine in a kiss so sweet, so gentle, almost... afraid. Forbidden pleasure, luring me into darkness.
Memories of last night, distorted. We both cried so easily, then. But the tears of my soul won't well to my eyes today. Only sadness, unspoken by tears, mirages in both my eyes and his.
"Why?"
I hear the word, spoken by my own tongue, but it is so distant compared to Remus' form before me.
"Why what?"
"Why..." I swallow. I know that asking him is wrong, because I shouldn't force him to confront his own turmoil, not in the position I am in. Yet, how should I live, with that question unanswered? "You... what you told me earlier. Why? Why did you tell me at all?"
Will this darkness never flee? Will I ever be able to look into his eyes without seeing underlying sadness again?
"I did mean what I said, you know."
"That's not what I asked."
"I know."
Silence. He is uncomfortable, I can tell, because he shifts away from me, and his eyes are pleading with me not to demand an answer. But, just as well as I would do anything else for you, my love, as well as I would walk through fire, confront hell and the heavens, just as well as I would die for you, I cannot forget what you said, and I cannot live with myself if it means never to receive an answer. If I can't have you, at least be kind enough to give me closure, the knowledge that it will never be.
"Do you truly love her?"
"..."
"Remus, at least give me the answers I need. Tell me you love her and could never wish for anything more than her love, and that I should just bugger off, and maybe I can."
"No."
"No?"
"No, I do not, not in the way you mean... I... I only ever loved one person, who - unintentionally - broke my heart."
"So. You married her."
He sighs, then shakes his head. His eyes are as dry as mine. We have both seen too much of life to cry in a situation like this. Last night... last night's tears were the emotions of fourteen years, bulked up, never shed, that came out all at once.
"No, Sirius. I married her because... I... I do love her. More than anyone else in my life, save for... It's just, James and Lily were gone, you were... and we thought Peter was... Suddenly, we were the only two left of our circle, and it was painful, and lonely. Being a werewolf, I never had any other friends, except for the lot of you. And Joyle... everywhere she went, people were telling her how sorry they felt for her, and how hard it had to be, but none of them really knew. Because, of course, everyone was so happy Voldemort was gone. So we spent almost all of our time together, for comfort, because we desperately needed a friend."
"You married for comfort? Friendship?"
"No. We married because Joyle was pregnant. And because there was no one else to wait for. And because we did love each other. Just not the way we had loved other people in our lives."
"Preg...?" The thought turns in my head. Pregnant? From Peter, or from Remus? And either way, what happened to the kid... I'd asked Joyle whether they had kids. She had...
"She inherited lycanthrophy. Our daughter died before her first birthday."
"But... Remus, I'm sorry about that, I truly am, because I know that must have been so hard for you, but I *asked* Joyle whether you had kids, and she laughed. She laughed it off. I..."
"Joyle may seem like a happy person, twenty-four-seven. In truth, she just knows how to mask her feelings. That's why she could survive the questions and the pain of loosing the one she loved. That's why she could welcome you with a smile when you came to our house yesterday."
"She..."
"Of course she knows. That's why we came together back then. She had lost Peter. And I... I had lost you. It was what brought us together."
"And now?"
Remus shakes his head yet again, as if to shake off a fly or a paining thought.
"My feelings since then haven't changed. Unfortunately, hers have. That is also the reason why I went in to see her before though I knew what I said must have struck you. She may act as if she didn't care, but me spending the night in your bed instead of hers pained her more than words can say. Whatever happened or didn't happen. She understands, of course, that you needed comfort. That doesn't mean she isn't unhappy about it."
"Where... where does that leave *us*, though?"
I can practically see his face fall from sadness to expressionless, with a hint of 'I'm sorry'. And I have all the answers I need. He won't leave her. Whatever I hoped for all those years, whatever feeble hope it was that sustained me in Azkaban, it will never be. Because he won't leave her for me.
"I can't, Sir. When Joyle heard about Peter... I can't be the one to hurt her even more with all she's suffered through already. And I know that sounds hypocritical, because you've been through Azkaban... but I *promised* her. I *promised* her I wouldn't leave her, that I would always take care of her, the day we married. And again, the day Selena died..."
"You never were one to break a promise, were you? I guess I have to accept that. It's one of the things I love about you, after all. I'm the prick who can't even stand up to what he says." An uncomfortable silence settles between us, the rain outside as loud as war drums as the drops fall heavily onto the roof of the hut.
"So. Are we going back, then? Don't worry, I won't lynch her for loving you. *That* would be hypocritical."
More silence, until Remus finally smiles a shaky smile.
"I took Cherubim - our owl - with me when I went looking for you. I sent Joyle a message that I would probably not return before tomorrow, because I thought you would need medical treatment when we found the blood trail. And you probably shouldn't be using your leg until the wound's healed. I only put a stitching spell on it, and the healing magic will take a couple of hours anyway to completely close the wound..."
"Then stay here with me. Only for tonight. Not... nothing has to happen. I don't think it could anyway, even if I wanted it to, at the moment. Just stay with me? One more time?"
"... Okay. Sir... I'm sorry. I really, really am sorry about all of this."
TBC