[Chapter 4 of "Oh My Evangelion!" With apologies to Albert Broccoli and George Lucas, and a tip of the Banpei funny hat to Tim Murphy.]
Shinji Ikari stepped out into the darkened room. He had to find out NERV's secret, what they were hiding in the place called Central Dogma. All he had to do was get past the steps, down the tunnel, and he would be there. He looked to either side of him: he was standing over a vat of LCL. The room smelled of blood.
But the tunnel was clear. There were no guards. Shinji, careful not to make any noise, moved towards the stairs, which glowed orange from the LCL below.
Suddenly, Shinji saw a figure step from the shadows. He could not see its face, and could only hear its breathing. The way it pushed the mask into place over its face, however, left no doubt to the figure's identity.
"The Force is with you, young Ikari," the figure in black said evenly. "But you are not an EVA pilot yet."
Shinji drew his Progressive Knife, which glowed purple in the eerie half-light. The figure stepped forward, also drawing a Prog Knife, but this one was red.
"Shinji," the figure intoned, "I am your father."
"Um…I knew that," Shinji replied.
"Oh. Well, in that case…" The black-robed figured gestured to something over Shinji's left shoulder.
"I am your mother," a voice said from behind him. Shinji whirled around. Rei stood there, but she wore a long flowing red robe, with what looked like kabuki makeup.
Shinji was so stunned he dropped the Prog Knife on the ground with a clatter. "No…" he moaned. "It can't be…that's impossible!"
"Search your feelings, Shinji," Rei said.
"You know it to be true," his father said from behind him. Then he sniffed and readied the Progressive Knife to chop off Shinji's hand. "Do you smell what the Gendo is cooking?"
Shinji sniffed the air as well. Something did smell good, and it wasn't LCL.
Shinji woke up. He looked at the ceiling, then down at his SDAT. What the—'Star Wars, Episodes One through Six Original Soundtrack'? That's the last time I let Aida borrow this. Then the smell hit his nostrils. "Huh, someone is cooking breakfast." He looked at his clock. "It's a Saturday. Too early for Misato to be up." Shinji swung himself out of bed and began to get dressed.
She swept into the room, her red dress billowing behind her. With a flourish, the woman took off her sunglasses and pinned them between her breasts.
It was a classy place, the Casino Royale. But she was used to such classy places. She could move with the high and powerful. She could also kill them without a blink. It was a ruthless attitude, but then so was life. She could feel the Walther PPK strapped to the inside of her left thigh. It was comforting to have, in case someone less savory arrived.
"Ah, mademoiselle," the maitre'd said, bowing to her. "It is always a pleasure to have you here."
"Good evening," the woman replied.
"Your usual table tonight?"
"Of course. And a vodka martini—"
"Straight up with a twist. Certainly, mademoiselle." The maitre'd bowed again and moved off.
The woman in red walked towards the baccarat table. Men parted before her like the Red Sea, taking in her young body with obvious interest. Every move a poem, she took a seat. The dealer looked across the table at her, her red eyes taking in the new arrival. "I see we have an old 'friend' with us tonight."
"Old wine. New skin," the woman replied, smiling grimly. You're no dealer, are you, Rei Blofeld? No, you're secretly an assassin, and you know where they have Agent Kaji. But we will play your little game for now. "Deal me in."
Ayanami hesitated, then began pulling cards from the shoe. "First draw to…what did you say your name was, mademoiselle?"
The woman in red leaned over the table, her blue eyes cold. "Soryu. Asuka Soryu."
Asuka's eyes opened slowly as the sun slanted into them. "Gott im Himmel," she sighed. "Just when it was getting good, too." She sniffed, and her stomach growled in response. "Shinji's up early." She yawned. "Well, I suppose I should go see what the baka has fixed for me today."
Asuka put on a robe, tied it tightly (occasionally it appealed to her to watch Shinji go into fits and nosebleeds, but not this morning…sorry, guys), and walked out of her room. And stopped cold.
Shinji was a good housekeeper, excellent even. But the room fairly sparkled. The table was set perfectly, no trace of dust or dirt was to be seen anywhere, and even the walls were spotless. Asuka was afraid to set foot in the kitchen, especially in bare feet; it seemed like blasphemy. Across the way, she could see an equally thunderstruck Shinji and Pen-Pen.
At the stove, Belldandy turned and smiled angelically, bowing to Asuka. "Ohayo, Asuka-san. Would you like some breakfast?"
Misato did not have any dreams worth recounting. She had drank more than usual the night before, and so most of the night had passed dreamlessly. There was one involving Kaji, a kiddy pool, and six tons of green Jello, but this is a family fanfic, so it will not be retold at this point.
She groaned and woke up, the smell of food not causing her stomach to growl but to turn over dangerously. Food was a four-letter word to a hungover Misato.
"Oh, Goddd…" she groaned. "Why did I drink so much last night…" She sat up, but it took an act of courage to do so. Actually, Misato knew why she had drank so much: she had an Angel in her apartment, more or less willingly. The Angels had taken away her family, and had nearly taken away what few friends she had left. She hated them with a passion. She stayed at NERV because she wanted to see them wiped out, completely eradicated with extreme prejudice. Then she stopped thinking, because it hurt.
"Gotta have some hair of the dog," she whispered to herself. She pulled on some shorts and a tank top, rose to her feet, fell, got back up off the bed, and stumbled to the door.
Had Misato's higher brain functions been dealing with more than pain at the moment, she might have stopped as Asuka had. Instead, she gave the immaculate room little more than a second glance. She did pull up short at the sight of Shinji, Asuka, Pen-Pen, and Belldandy eating breakfast at the table, especially as Asuka wore a look of complete bliss as she bit into a cinnamon roll. But then Misato's brain managed to string together something coherent, and it propelled her feet forward.
Belldandy rose and bowed to Misato. "Ohayo, Katsuragi Misato-sama. Would you like some breakfast?"
"Don't use such nasty words around me," Misato said, holding onto a rapidly violent stomach. Her nose told her that it did smell very good, and her brain got together another thought, that her apartment had not been this clean since…she could not remember since. Obviously, Belldandy had done that and cooked breakfast. Misato's opinion of Belldandy went up a notch. An Angel, even one attempting to ingratiate itself, probably would not do that. If it had, it would have been a cover for something heinous, like covering a pit trap with a rug or poisoning Pen Pen. The penguin looked as happy as everyone else. Either she has them brainwashed, Misato thought painfully, or maybe I've been wrong.
"G'morn'ng," Misato mumbled. "Jus' let me through…need a piece of what bit me." She flung open the refrigerator. It took a moment to register, and it was only after her hand had closed on a bottle of herbal tea that she noticed. Misato gasped. It was the worst thing she had ever seen since Second Impact.
The beer was gone.
She rounded on Belldandy. "Where. Is. My. Beer." Asuka, Shinji, and Pen Pen all turned white with fright and edged back quickly. A beer-deprived Misato was not human, she was a force of nature that would have made an Angel cringe. Belldandy, however, stood her ground.
"Alcohol, in moderation, is not a bad thing," Belldandy said. "But from what I have discovered in cleaning up this morning, you drink far too much, Miss Katsuragi. I'm sorry, but it is for you own good."
The two pilots and the penguin had taken cover behind the couch, from the battle about to begin between an irresistible force and an immovable object. The immovable object won as Misato's eyes rolled back into her head and she fainted.
* * *
The snow had come and gone, and the ground was drying out underneath blue skies and sunshine. The night had been spent relatively warmly by Keiichi, Urd, and Skuld, thanks to one of Skuld's inventions. A thermal blanket and body heat had done the rest. Keiichi had been more than a little embarrassed to share the blanket with Urd, but the goddess had not seemed to mind. Skuld shot Keiichi a look that promised death if he tried anything at all before she had gone to sleep, as if he had any intention to. He had also worried about being found, but Banpei had guarded them throughout the night without incident. Urd had promised them that they would not be seen, thanks to her spells, but neither Keiichi nor Skuld had slept any easier with Urd's assurance.
With the data provided by Washu, Yggdrasil had taken very little time to track down Belldandy's signature through the various dimensions. It had taken a little bit of sweat and magic to send the trio across time and space, but Peorth had managed it. She had been helped immensely by Keiichi's gift (read "bribe") of a few books of Cardcaptor Sakura.
Now they were encamped in the hills overlooking Tokyo-3. Skuld had built yet another device, the All Purpose Belldandy Locator, but nothing was registering. "I'm sorry, but we're too far away to get a good signature," Skuld grumbled. "I could boost the power—"
Urd shook her head. "No. We might get detected. 'Leave no trace,' remember?"
Keiichi spread his hands. "I guess we'll have to get into the city then." He pointed at the tallest building, a slab of concrete and steel that poked into the sky. "What about from up there, Skuld?"
"That should work."
Urd nodded. "I'll scout ahead. Meet you at the top." She disappeared with a crack of displaced air.
Skuld tapped Banpei on his hat. "Banpei, motorcycle mode." The little robot obediently transformed to a rather bizarre looking motorbike. Skuld and Keiichi climbed on. "Let's hope they don't have a helmet law here," Keiichi said.
* * *
At NERV, Shigeru Aoba was covering for Makoto Hyuga, who was sleeping off a very bad night. MAGI's detection system abruptly whooped to life for a moment, then stopped. After righting his seat, Shigeru climbed back up as Ritsuko ran in. Doesn't she sleep? Doesn't she eat? he asked himself.
"What was that?" she asked.
"Not sure, Dr. Akagi," Shigeru replied. "We had another blue pattern, just for a second, like the nightwatch reported."
Ritsuko tapped a finger on her chin. JSSDF had sent a reconnaissance plane over the site the night before, but had found nothing. "MAGI's acting up again," Ritsuko sighed. "I didn't want to do this, but I don't have a choice. We'll have to run a diagnostic. I'll inform the commander." Her cellphone beeped, and she took it out of one of the many pockets on her coat. "Akagi."
"Ritsuko, this is Kaji." Ritsuko thought she could detect a note of concern in Kaji's voice. "I'm coming in with the pilots and Belldandy. We have two problems. One's with Rei."
"Is she all right?"
"Well, the commander might want to have a talk with her. It's…oh, hell, you'll have to see it to believe it."
"Where's Misato?"
"That's the other problem. Misato's unconscious."
"What happened?" Ritsuko leaned over the console, one manicured fingernail on the alarm button. "Did Belldandy do something?"
"In a way," Kaji said. "She threw out all of Misato's beer."
"Oh, dear God."
Oblivious to the conversation, Maya and Shigeru had begun running the diagnostic on MAGI.
* * *
Washu woke up in mid-snore as a soft beep sounded in the darkness of the tent. She clapped the lights on and brought up her computer. "Perfect! I was hoping for something like this." she grinned. One hand's fingers flew across the shadowy keyboard as Washu put on a set of goggles with the other. A new pattern coalesced on the screen. "What's this?" she said in mock fright. "A security program? Oh, my! An advanced one, too." Her grin grew to diabolic proportions. "I so love a challenge!" she cackled.
* * *
Urd appeared at the top of the building and floated gently to the ground. She leaned over the top. "Now that's strange," she said, noticing the way the windows were set into the building. It was a false front. "Wonder what they're hiding?"
She felt something brush a corner of her mind, and knew instantly what it was. Belldandy was in the area, and close. Urd closed her eyes and whispered a few words. The breeze picked up ever so slightly; Urd, opening her eyes, saw a blue sports car pull into a garage sixty stories below her. "So that's where you are," Urd whispered. "Hmm. Better not teleport." Instead, she went over the edge of the roof and quickly crawled down the side of the building.
* * *
"Are you sure you're not angry?" Belldandy asked.
Kaji opened the door and stubbed out his cigarette, motioning NERV's paramedics and security squad over. "Nah. There was no way you could've known, Miss Belldandy," Kaji said with a wry smile. "Misato's had a real thing for beer since college. It was just too much shock to her system. We'll get her fixed up." His smile faded. "Of course, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes when she's back to normal. Or what passes for normal with Misato."
"Huh," Asuka snorted. "I think it was overdue. Misato drinks too much."
"Um…we haven't seen her actually drunk in a long time," Shinji spoke up hesitantly.
"Quiet, baka." Asuka was about to add more, but then her eyes fell on Rei, and she was speechless for the third time this morning. She looked at Shinji, who shrugged helplessly. He almost asked Rei, but one look at her face, and he decided that now was not the time, if ever. So he fixed his eyes on Belldandy instead, who was, after all, rather pleasant to look at, even when surrounded by a cordon of NERV security. The day before, she had done up her hair, but today, it was left to drift free.
Ritsuko walked up to the gurney that Misato had been gently laid upon. "Misato," she said, "can you hear me?"
"Erhmmm…" Misato moaned. "No beer…no more boom…boom gone…"
"BYOB IV, stat," Ritsuko ordered the paramedics, who wheeled Misato down into NERV itself. "Kaji, escort Miss Belldandy to Subcommander Futsuyuki's office for now. Asuka, Shinji, go down to the locker room and get suited up."
"Oh, no," Shinji groaned. "Not another sync test."
"Not this time. MAGI's down for a diagnostic, and until it comes back up, I think we'll put the EVAs on patrol, just in case. Rei, you're supposed to meet with Commander Ikari first, and—" Ritsuko's mouth stayed open, but no words came out.
"Yes, Doctor?" Rei said, as quietly as ever.
"Uh…n-nothing. Just…go talk to Commander Ikari."
"Very well."
Ritsuko wiped at her eyes. "That's it," she mumbled to herself. "No more all night Battle Cry sessions."
Urd watched from her perch above the parking garage as the doors, marked with NERV's trademark fig leaf, rumbled closed behind the group of people. Two security men remained outside the door. "Just two, plus some security cameras?" Urd smiled. "This is too easy."
She floated down until her feet touched the concrete. With a sweep of her hand, Urd's clothes changed from slightly daring street fashion to dress more appropriate for the Cheetah Club or the Mustang Ranch. A quick spell later, and the security cameras were recording a loop.
Without hesitation, Urd sauntered towards the door like a queen heading to her throne. The two NERV security men, both handpicked by Gendo Ikari for unswerving loyalty, the ability to think quickly, and a willingness to use their assault rifles, were flabbergasted by the sight approaching them.
"H-Halt," one guard managed to stammer out, halfheartedly bringing up his rifle. "Who—who are you?"
"W-what he said," the other one said. "Let's see your goodies—I mean, your identification!"
Urd smiled at them with the beauty of an angel (or a succubus…take your pick). "Boys," she said seductively, "you don't need to see my identification." She waved her hand, making one strap of her bra fall down a shapely shoulder.
"Yeah…she's right, we don't need to see your identification," the first guard murmured, seeing plenty of Urd's identification as it was. The second guard, a bit more hard up than the first, had already collapsed in a welter of a nosebleed.
"I can go about my business." Urd's voice had dropped to a whisper. Her fingers traced the barrel of the rifle and moved up to brush against the guard's chin.
"Y-you can go 'bout your business…"
"Move along." Urd made the words curl around her tongue like the sweetest honey.
"Move along!" the guard grinned idiotically, swiped his card through the reader, and passed out.
Urd shook her head. "Hmpf. You took all the fun out of that. I risk a lawsuit and you conk out on me." She contemptously turned her back and walked into NERV.
"Pilot Ayanami here to see you," Gendo's intercom crackled.
"Send her in," Gendo said. He had grabbed a few hours sleep and now felt refreshed. Seeing Rei usually brightened his day to begin with. Ritsuko had sounded worried when she had told him something was wrong with Rei, but Gendo did not share that worry. He knew what others would find weird about Rei he might find perfectly normal. After all, he knew the truth about her. He steepled his hands on his desk; as the door opened, his glasses slid down the bridge of his nose. Gendo grimaced slightly and began to push them back up.
One look at Rei and he poked himself in the nostrils. His glasses slid down to his nose, and Gendo looked over the tops of them. "Rei…"
"Yes, Commander?"
"What…" It took a moment. "Why are you dressed like that?"
Rei inspected her reflection in the floor of Gendo's office. "Is there something wrong with my attire? I know it is not quite the regulation school uniform."
That is like saying Second Impact was a minor meteorlogical event, Gendo thought. Rei was wearing her school outfit, but either it had shrunk or she had altered it, for it now ended well above her knees, exposing a little more pale thigh than Gendo would approve of. The bowtie that was part of the uniform was also a lot larger now. Most arresting of all was Rei's hair. It had been pulled into two pigtails, but unfortunately Rei's hair was just not long enough and was blue, not blonde. Instead of two magnificent golden tails, the result was Pippi Longstocking gone punk.
"Why?" was the only words Gendo could think of.
"I had asked Technician Ibuki questions regarding the concept of romantic love. She gave me a series of DVDs which I reviewed last night. They made very little sense to me, but I decided I would alter my appearance to resemble that of the main character."
"An experiment," Gendo stated.
"Yes, sir. An experiment." Rei half-shrugged. "It did seem to have an impression on Pilots Ikari and Soryu and Mr. Ryoji."
Gendo felt perverse curiousity. "What were their reactions?"
"Mr. Ryoji mentioned something about the need to quit smoking. Pilot Soryu seemed to have trouble with the motor functions of her jaw—she may have injured it on the floor of the car--while Pilot Ikari apparently caught a cold."
Gendo's eyebrows rose. "A cold?"
"Yes. He held facial tissue to his nose for the rest of the trip here."
"So that is why Major Katsuragi passed out," Gendo said. He already knew the reason, for Ritsuko had called him, but he was testing Rei.
"No, sir. She had passed out before Mr. Ryoji arrived at her apartment. I understand he was called by Belldandy."
"I see." Gendo succeeded in getting his glasses in place. "Rei, join the other pilots, suit up, and await further orders from Dr. Akagi or myself. After you've returned here off patrol, we'll speak again and I will try and answer some of your questions regarding…love."
"Yes." Rei bowed and walked out. A smile flitted across her face as she remembered one other reason she had changed her appearance.
Shinji had liked it.
Behind her, Gendo pressed a button on his desk. "Technician Ibuki."
"Commander?" Maya's voice wavered a little.
"Is Dr. Akagi overseeing the diagnostic?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good. Go and clean the load pan bays."
"Sir?"
"That is an order, Miss Ibuki. I would like it if you would clear the loaning of anime to Pilot Ayanami with me first. Understood?"
"Yes, sir." Maya's voice held a note of resignation.
Otaku. The 18th Angel. Gendo pressed another button. "Subcommander, is Miss Belldandy there?"
"Yes, she is. Did you want to speak with her?"
"Not yet." Gendo decided to play a waiting game. It was time he faced the Angel himself, head on.
"Commander…" Futsuyuki sounded unsure.
"What is it?"
"Belldandy…"
"What is it?" Gendo repeated irritably.
"She baked cookies for us, sir." Futsuyuki paused. "They are quite good."
"I…see." Gendo killed the connection and leaned back in his chair. Baking cookies. Comparing recipes. Destroying Misato's beer. This is the most dangerous Angel we have ever faced. It seems I alone must stand against her.
* * *
Urd had gotten down the first hall about halfway when a flying squad of guards had turned in her direction. They had not seen her yet in the shadows, but that would change if they got closer. "Well, then," she whispered. "Time to use my secret weapon. This looks like a job for… Mini-Urd!" With that, and a popping noise, Urd shrank to only a few inches tall.
The squad passed her, heading towards a bank of elevators. Urd silently leaped up and grabbed the last guard's radio pack, then climbed underneath it.
Kodama, eat your heart out, she smiled to herself. Here I come, Belldandy!
[Thanks for waiting! Chapter 4 to be up soon. Fly Me to the Sailor Moon.]