Same night
Her eyes popped open as if one surprised, and the first thing she was aware of was the familiar setting. Looking around, but not moving, she saw everything was the same when she left it. Experimentally taking a small breath, she was surprised when she felt no pain. Moving her arm, surprise kicked into shock. Everything moved normally. Feeling bold, she sat up completely, then stood. 'Okay, so nothing seems to be broken and all the pain I felt earlier is gone. What's wrong with THIS picture?' She sarcastically thought. Was the whole night a dream? She sometimes dreamt of Duo and/or herself, but there were MORE bizarre instances than THIS. Everything SEEMED real enough...she didn't know WHAT to think.
Looking around the living room, she saw the lights were still on. Now this HAD to be a dream; Duo knew better than to leave a room before turning the lights off! He knew how much she HATED that! But he did it so often that maybe this WAS real. Surely she didn't have THAT vivid of dreams... "Duo?" She called out. She waited, expecting him to come from the kitchen with a sheepish look on his face, waiting to apologize. Eyebrows furrowed into a curious look when no answer came. "Hey DUO!" She shouted, waiting for a funny retort. Her lips pursed when he didn't answer again and figured she'd have to go looking for him. Leaving the living room, she walked into the kitchen and found him sitting at the table, cradling something in his hands. She raised an eyebrow at how intensely he was staring at it. It was odd because she rarely saw Duo in such a state. When he went to drink from the glass, she noticed something.
'When the hell did we ever have Styrofoam?' She wondered curiously. How he had it was a complete mystery. He sat all slouched over and she decided to rub in her victory.
"Hey Duo, I won. Nye, nye." She grinned and crossed her arms. Her chin rose as she waited for him to start whining like he always did. Or sulk. The grin faded when she didn't see any movement from him and a brow rose. "Hey Duo...hey IDIOT." Not even a single glance. She was starting to get frustrated. "HELLO! EARTH TO DUO!" Stomping over to him, she raised a hand to slap his back, thinking THAT would get his attention, but it went right THROUGH him. Not expecting the continuation of movement, she was off-balanced and nearly fell to the floor. When she stood up again, both hands touched together in puzzlement. "What the hell?" She wondered. She looked down at Duo and saw he hadn't moved an inch, as if he didn't even NOTICE or HEAR her. Her eyes narrowed. That was low...totally ignoring her simply because she WON once. She moved so she could see his face and saw all KINDS of sad emotions plaguing him. Guilt was most apparent in his clouded eyes.
She felt slightly bad now and dropped her head, feeling a small measure of guilt. "Hey now Duo, I'm alright. See?" Stepping back, she threw both hands from her sides, waiting for him to turn over and give her a relieved smile. He still didn't look at her. Sighing, her eyes tossed heavenward, asking for patience, before she moved to pull up a chair. "Duo, you're such a worrywart. I'm-" She stopped when her hand ALSO went right through the chair. Her eyes drastically widened and the hand stopped a few inches from her face. She could see and feel herself start to shake from fear from the obvious. She could see almost completely THROUGH her HAND! Panic rose in her chest. "What the hell is GOING ON!?" She cried out, the fright rising through her words. She frantically turned to Duo and tried to touch him, but her hands still went through him. "DUO! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!" She yelled close to his ear, but he still acted like she wasn't in the room. He didn't even FLINCH. She stepped back and tried to control haywire breathing.
'This is NOT happening, I'm still blacked out and DREAMING.' She wildly thought, on the near verge of praying. Hands covered her ears, trying to block out all the terror she was feeling. 'WHAT'S HAPPENING!?' Her mind screamed. Her eyes jerked up in surprise and landed on Duo's frame when he moved. Stunned, she ran close to him.
"Duo where are you GOING? TALK to me! What's GOING ON?!" He slowly walked in a straight line, straight for the wall in a near daze. "Duo, watch OUT!" She called. The moron was going to walk right INTO the WALL! He nearly did so, but turned and then headed down the hallway to the living room at the near last second. Stunned about what was taking place, she stood there and watched him round the corner. When he was out of sight, her senses snapped into attention. "HEY! Come BACK here!" Taking off full speed, she rounded the corner after him. Closing the gap with a few steps, the lights were still on in the living room as she turned from the hallway. "WHAT THE...?!" She seemed to be saying that a lot, but this time she had good REASON to. Her eyes quickly squeezed shut and palms almost painfully pressed against her head. "I've GOT to be DREAMING, I HAVE to be dreaming! This is IMPOSSIBLE!" She quickly muttered, as if repeatedly saying it would change what her eyes just saw. "How else can I not touch ANYTHING and end up in an OPERATING ROOM where my LIVING ROOM used to be?" Looking up, she heard a few mutterings and beeping from the machines scattered around the center of the room. If this was a dream, it was a damn ODD one! Curiosity getting the better of her, she slowly took a step forward, wondering just WHAT this was all ABOUT. When no one seemed to notice OR hear her either, she decided to use it to her advantage. Her eyes transfixed on the center of the room and all the doctors crowding around. Whatever was going on, that was the place to get answers from.
Catching a patch of familiar hair, she crept closer and tried to crane her head around the doctors. Seeing that same hair color from a split second gap, she tried not to panic, even though her mind was in the process of. 'I mean, it SEEMS like the most logical thing isn't it?' The ironic side of her spat out. 'Here I am, probably DEAD or in the twilight zone!' Stopping about two steps from the table, a thoughtful finger touched her chin. 'Okay, rational side of me says that I'm still conked out and ignoring Duo's screeching.' Her eye caught movement of the doctors' arms and she went back to thinking. 'But the other half says I'm dead. But since I have a strange feeling about the topic on the table, I have to still be ALIVE somehow.'
Turning her attention back to the table, she saw a gap in between two doctors and moved near that. More of the figure was visible there and her head moved in between the arms of two doctors. Her shoulders went through part of their bodies, but she didn't bother with that oddity as much as the sight in front of her. Her face was completely void of color; mouth covered by an oxygen mask; tubes covering her nasal passageways. Both eyes were closed in half pain, half peace, as if she didn't feel anything. From the top of her shoulders to her waist, she was exposed to strangers she didn't even know. Their complete inner and outer knowledge of the human body didn't matter at the moment. Quid pro quo, she was naked to people she never MET before. Right in the center of her chest was a gap. Two metal prongs held her skin open as a doctor worked on her rib cage.
She was unable to tear wide, horrified eyes away from the horrific scene. She physically TRIED to look away, but some kind of force was drawing her near her body. 'This is not happening...' She vaguely thought. 'I CAN'T be dead. Am I a...have I left my body?' The pull toward her 'spirit' seemed to strengthen and she tried to pull away. 'I can't be a ghost! What is going to happen to me! What happened when I blacked out? What happened to DUO? Where IS HE?' The last image of Duo sitting at the table in their kitchen floated through her mind, breaking the pressure on her body. As if a taunt cord was suddenly cut, muscles jerked her body a few foot from the scene and she involuntarily gagged from the horror of it all. Her knees gave out and she staggered to the floor, defeated at this twisted turn of events.
"This has been some night." She dully muttered. A humorless smile made a split second appearance, then replaced by a frown. "I need answers." She looked up from the floor to her body on the operating table. "That's obviously ME, but where is DUO? How does HE fit into all of this? I don't know if I'm dreaming, and am passed out up there. Or maybe I AM a ghost. If I am, then how did I end up HERE?" Determination deep within her veins rose to seek answers. "I have to find Duo, he'll have the rest of the pieces to this puzzle."
'I hope he's okay.' Her protective side thought. Taking a deep breath for courage, she exhaled quickly and stood. Her knees were still shaky, but hardening her resolve to be strong helped. She turned toward the swinging doors, leaving the doctors to their work. 'That was where I made my entrance...' She walked to them, but stopped suddenly when a thought sprang up. 'What if I don't end up on the other side? What if I end up in the living room again? How would I get BACK here?' The unknown of this situation came with rules she didn't even know existed. If she made a wrong move somewhere, it was liable to have bad consequences. A hand tentatively rose toward the shiny metal and stopped. Duo's face rose in her mind again and her eyes narrowed. 'I HAVE to TRY.' Damned be the consequences when it came to Duo...and her LIFE. Biting her lip, she took a giant step back and flung herself at the doors. She noticed they didn't swing or even MOVE as she thankfully ended up on the other side. Exhaling a shaky pent-up breath, she smiled in momentary thanks and went down the corridor.
She knew this hospital; it was maybe a mile or so from where the yard was. Though she was never in this section before, she didn't have any problem finding the waiting rooms. Following the signs led her to where she needed to be, but finding Duo was the problem. Which room would he be IN? Would he even be IN a waiting room? Walking into another one, her head shook when she didn't see Duo. 'Where IS he?' She wondered. She left that one and walked the halls to another close by. Good thing they were all grouped close together. She knew he'd be near the operating room, and near the nurse's station for updates. 'Found him.' A small triumphant smile appeared as she made a beeline straight for him. She stopped short of him, seeing he didn't move an inch. She observed him and wondered if he fell asleep like that. Since he wasn't moving except for small breaths, it was a possibility. She wryly smiled. Cross-legged in a small, hard plastic chair; elbows digging into his knees; tightly clasped hands accompanying nearly white knuckles were the only thing keeping him upright. His fists rested against his forehead, almost like...like he was PRAYING. That took Hilde aback a bit. She never actually SAW Duo pray, even though he wore a priest's garments. She didn't know if he held a RELIGIOUS bias. Kneeling to look at his face caught a slight movement from his lips. She leaned forward some to hear, and was stunned by what she heard.
"...please God. Please don't take Hilde away from me. You've taken so much already. Can't you leave her here with me? I know that doesn't mean much, but I can't stand to lose Hilde. She means so much to me, please don't take her away. Please let her come out of surgery alive, please. I'm so sorry Hilde; I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry..." He continued on again, asking the same thing over and over in a relentless plead. He WASN'T asleep, he was praying to whatever God he thought he believed in. It brought tears to Hilde's eyes. Leaning back on her heels allowed a better look at him through watery eyes. This was the first time she ever saw him like this, and it was hard to believe. Her head momentarily bowed before looking at him with a gentle smile.
'Is that...' She spotted a catch of light on his face and her eyes widened. 'Is he...CRYING?' She studied his face and saw the remnants of a tear track being used as another one fell down. 'But Duo NEVER cries! I've NEVER seen him cry.' She was astounded.
"But you're only HUMAN Duo!" She pleaded, trying to get him to release some of his anger and pain. Every time he came back to her from another battle, he was always serious to the worse degree.
"Shinigami doesn't cry Hilde." He critically said. "There's no POINT."
Her head sadly shook at his resolve to not let anything out. Who did he think he was FOOLING? He wore his pain on the sleeve of his shirt.
The sentence rang through her mind as she saw the tear gather and fall from the weight. 'Oh Duo.' She sadly thought. 'I wish there was something I could do to help you.' But she knew there was not a damned thing; she couldn't even TOUCH him. 'I know there's nothing I CAN do, but I wish you could HEAR me.' If only she could SPEAK and reassure him she was OKAY. If not physically, then 'spiritually' she was still with him. Moving her hand a little, she put it just above his calf, being careful not to move through him; that part was still too weird to deal with yet. Leaning forward, she looked into his closed eyes.
"It's not your fault Duo." She whispered, wishing she could make him understand. Violet suddenly popped open and his head jerked up in alarm. Hope sprang up and she smiled, thinking he actually heard something she said. "Duo...Duo, can you hear me??" She quickly asked. He looked around the room, even though they were the only ones there. Confusion apparent in his eyes, it showed through the depths of his sorrow. He heard, but still couldn't see her. Then it was over and he went back to his silent prayer, looking even more crushed than before. The hope in Hilde's chest was squashed instantly. Her mouth tightly pressed together to halt a despairing cry.
'Damn. I was so close.' She sadly thought. She looked down and her mind blanked on what to do next. Where did she go from here? What did she DO, NOW?? Was she stuck like this forever; never to be heard or seen by anyone? Her ears perked up from the sound of a small beeping somewhere nearby. She heard a quick, uneasy scuffle of chairs and looked to see the nurses swiftly cross the room and leave the way Hilde entered. Her brows lowered in interest, wondering where they went in such a hurry. The beeping continued and Duo looked up as well. She found his eyes riveted on the nurse's station a short ways down the hall.
"Stay here Duo, I'm going to go look." She stated, even though she knew he couldn't hear her. He seemed to obey though, his body frozen where he sat.
She reached the cubicle and walked into the open area, devoid of any staff. It was liable that even if someone WERE around, they wouldn't see her. She quickly looked around to find the noise. She caught sight of a blinking red light and walked toward it. 'Hmm, room 3109?' She read silently. 'Code red...cardiac arrest.' Her eyes narrowed curiously as she looked to Duo down the hall.
"HNG!" Hands quickly clutched her chest at the burst of intense pain as the cry wrenched from gritted teeth. She felt a slight twinge and then as if her body was being lifted off the ground. She tried to fight the feeling of fear that built rapidly.
'WHAT'S GOING ON??' Her mind shouted in alarm. In a heartbeat, it all clicked. She felt the slight pain again, but it stopped as quickly as it came. 'They ran out of where I CAME from.' She ran from the cubicle and stood in the middle of the room, her mind working at a seriously frightening pace. 'I'm a ghost as far as I can tell. I'm in surgery for some wound that Duo inflicted upon me in the heat of the moment.' Her eyes strayed to Duo's haggard face and she felt sorry for him. 'He didn't know though... I thought he was gone, but he most likely felt the same way. It's not his fault.' She added, starting to pace. 'I saw my physical body on the operating table, opened.' She shuddered as a strong shiver ran up her spin. 'Not an experience I want to live through again.' Her head shook. 'If the nurses rushed through where I came from, then that means that the cardiac arrest signal was for...ME!' Already wide eyes widened some more. She felt the upward pull on her body and wondered if it was heaven or hell calling her. She felt all the horrific emotions leave her as nothing but warmth flowed in her heart. She looked up toward the ceiling, feeling sorrowful. 'I can't go.' She dejectedly knew. She looked over at Duo and took a few steps toward him. 'I can't leave him like this, I have to come back.' She couldn't leave him in this state, or any state other than happy. He already lost so much in his life, she didn't need to be added to it. She walked toward the path of the nurses, then faced Duo.
"Don't worry Duo, I'm not leaving you. I'll come back to you! I'll wipe that sorrowful look off your face!" She yelled, taking off in a dead run for her E.R.
She ran right through the swinging doors without thinking and entered the room. It was in chaos, the doctors no longer calm and collected. The nurses from the station were there, helping as best they could to save a dying patient. She assumed the trauma and injuries were just too much. She purposely walked behind the doctors and stopped. 'How do I DO this?' This never happened to her before; she had no clue how to go about reuniting spirit and body. Poking her head in between the doctors again, she saw the ashen state of her face, whiter than it was before. Not a good sign. 'I've been away too long.' She suddenly realized. 'Tell me how to do this. I have to get back to Duo.' She prayed. The chaos went on around her as she felt the jolt of the paddles shocking her again. Just as her body jerked upward with the removal of the electricity, the same pain entered her chest. She reached forward and gripped the edges of the cold metal in agony, stunned when she didn't go through it. All thoughts flew from her head and she jumped up on the table without asking any more questions. This was a sign and she was sure as hell going to TAKE it. She was careful to lie down in the exact position her body was in, connecting two halves together. Laying her spiritual head toward the physical one, she felt pain everywhere and was happy for once that she felt it. Her eyes slowly closed and the monitor bleeped just before she blacked out.
~*~*~
Tears fell even faster than before. He didn't know why the nurses ran from the room like they did, but it couldn't have been good. He had a horrible feeling it had to do with Hilde. How could it NOT? Her operating room was just down the way and it was past midnight. The place was basically empty. His pleads to God continued moments after the chaos in the room returned to 'normal'. He continued begging with as much conviction as he could muster, if not more. "Please God, save her. Spare Hilde. I don't want to leave her. I can't. I need her too much. She doesn't even know yet. I have to tell her how much she means to me. I have to make it up to her God. I need to tell her how sorry am. I never meant to put her in here. You can see that, can't you? Please let me know she's going to be-"
"Duo Maxwell?" His head jerked up from his fists as he looked toward the voice. It felt like heaven to have someone of authority say his full name. Jumping off the chair, his entire body protested since he hadn't moved since walking back from the cafeteria so long ago. His muscles gave out for a second and he bent toward the ground before regaining his balance. He quickly strode to the doctor and met him in the middle of the room. His hand stuck out, eager to meet the man who hopefully saved Hilde's life.
"How is she doc? She's ALIVE, right? She'll pull through?" He rambled, hope in his eyes. There was so much that to hear a no or maybe would crush him.
The doctor nodded, feeling the grip on the young man and the distraught appearance he gave. He decided to keep quiet about the question WHY his patient was so badly injured. "Well you got her here quickly enough, but there were still some problems. Her left shoulder was dislocated, but we were able to pop that into place before we hit the heavy stuff. Luckily she blacked out from the pain so we didn't need to give her too much anesthesia. The real problem was her sternum. The Xiphoid process at the bottom was cracked and bent downward toward her heart and diaphragm. It would have eventually connected with the rest of her sternum to make it longer, but right now it was more a burden than anything. I had to remove it, but it's okay since it's not much of use to her. She fractured two ribs near the Xiphoid and bruised a few more near the middle of her sternum. We had to bandage the back of her head from some trauma there. I'm betting on a concussion, but we won't know that till she wakes up. I'm just glad she didn't need stitches. Her chest however got a few dozen, which I want to keep a close eye on. There was some trauma to her abdominal region." The doctor's eyes rose momentarily when he noticed his audience fidgeting. "Her body will repair itself with time, so I'm not TOO worried about that. If she can't keep food down in the near future, then I'll start to worry. Right now we have her under anesthesia to keep her knocked out. I don't want her waking up and putting any undue stress on her chest cavity by doing any heavy breathing or getting worked up by the extent of her injuries. She's already gone into cardiac arrest earlier. I still don't know how we saved her. We worked over two minutes and then boom, the monitor beeped." A hand rubbed his chin, vowing to give it some thought as to WHY. "But that's the details, gory as they may be, that's all of them. We fixed her up as best we could and now the rest is up to her."
Duo tried to keep tears of shame and happiness from his eyes as he repeatedly thanked the man. Hilde was in bad shape...but she was ALIVE! That's all that mattered to him. He didn't know if God heard him or not, but he wasn't going to question it. "Can I see her?"
The doctor nodded. Something in the boy's eyes told him even IF he were to wait until visiting hours, the youth would still try to sneak in anyway. He seemed like the type to be afraid of nothing and everything at the same time. "Follow me." A hand waved to the hallway and walked to the floor she was on. Stopping in front of the trauma ward, he opened Hilde's door and let Duo inside. Shutting it, he said a silent prayer that his patient healed. The young man looked ready to break down through his slipping exterior. Walking away, he left the two alone and went on with his work.
The darkness caught Duo off-guard until his eyes adjusted. The only light was the moon shining through the closed curtains in her room. She was illuminated by the green glow of the machines she was hooked up to. Heart monitor, breathing apparatus, iv...he named them all off in his head as he stood there staring, just taking it all in. Along with that, her left arm was in a type of sling so she wouldn't move it when she woke up. Electrodes on her forehead, neck, and around her collarbone monitored her brain waves for change. A backup iv bag sat near her bed, waiting to be used. The slow, methodical rise and fall of her chest was thanks to the tubes down her throat and up her nose. Near her feet, Duo saw a type of catheter bag. 'For when you plan on being here a while.' He thought bitterly. The bandages the doc mentioned made her look like some type of war hero the way they wrapped around her head. 'In a way, she IS.'
He wanted to be near her, even though he dreaded to be, and slowly inched his way toward the bed. He made sure not to touch anything, afraid to get too close in fear that he'd hurt her even more. The closer he got, the more detail he could see about her condition. The sheet covered her up to the edge of her bandages, nearly covering her entire chest. Blood spotted the top of them near the center of her wound. He could see the uneven outline of her jeans in the folds. His mind flashed back to the time in the ambulance, when the E.M.T cut the shirt off to get to her wound. Breaking his stare, he walked to a nearby chair and deposited himself extremely nearby to her bed. He absently stared at his hands and listened to the machines quietly do their job, not knowing what to do or say. Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked at her face. He stared at her pale color and let a few tears fall from the pain creased in her face. He wanted to wrap his hand around hers, but didn't want to move her iv, so he rested it over her forearm instead. Feeling exhausted, his head rested near her hand and closed his eyes.
~*~*~
'It hurts.' It was the first weak, coherent thought in her mind. Painfully opening her eyes to a slight light coming through the windows, dawn filtered in her mind and her eyes stiffly closed. Slowly becoming aware of last night, she realized she wasn't breathing on her own. The instinctual flight-or-fight rose in her body to struggle with the lung machine, but she was too drugged up to and too tired put up much of a fight. Her hearing picked up something besides the beeping from her machines and she looked around for the soft snoring. Only her eyes moved; it hurt too much to move anything else.
A pressure on her arm drew her attention. Seeing the mop of brown hair, she smiled as much as possible through the tube in her mouth at his adorable appearance. Her arm slowly moved with as much strength as she could muster, hoping she didn't wake him. Reaching up, she dropped the hand on top of his head and felt the softness of his hair, letting the familiarity comfort her. Pleasant feelings flowed and for a brief second, she forgot about the pain. The strength in her arm quickly ebbed and she slowly dropped the hand off his hair, caressing it as she went. Feeling for his fingers, she wrapped them around hers and encompassed his hand. The soft movement of her thumb across his skin brought peace to her tortured body. She wished she could tell Duo everything would be okay, but she wouldn't because she couldn't breathe on her own. The pain from the iv in her hand, combined with lack of strength, and the drugs that coursed through the iv, zapped her remaining strength. Sleep pulled at her conscious and she fell victim to it again.
~*~*~
The light hit his eyes first, and his ears perked up at the silent scuffling sounds of someone else in the room. Protective instincts toward Hilde quickly flared, and his vision shot up, but he calmed upon seeing only one of the nurses from the station last night. She saw him move and smiled. "Good morning son." He nodded, but didn't think it was a very GOOD morning. Moving his hand to stretch, he noticed a small restraint and looked down. Hilde's fingers were entwined with his own. His mind wondered how that happened because he distinctly remembered he didn't want to touch her hand, or ANY of her, out of fear of hurting her.
"Has there been any change?" He looked up.
The nurse looked thoughtful for a second, then nodded. "Someone noticed a change in her blood pressure about six this morning." Duo looked at clock on the wall reading nearly noon. His gaze traveled to Hilde's face and he watched over her sleeping form until the doctor came in hours later. He was glad the doc didn't ask questions about how and why; only doing his job. He was thankful, mostly because he didn't think he would be ABLE to rehash everything. It was hard enough to see Hilde in this bed, let alone put to words what he did to her. Though not on purpose, NEVER on purpose, he couldn't bear to deal with it right now. Seeing her here, lying so helpless, was a far cry from the fiery girl he used to know was a cold shock to his developed mental image of what he knew. He left the room while the elderly man performed a diagnostic's test and returned when one of the nurses took the tube out of her mouth. His eyes widened at the length of it, guessing it must've been half a foot long. "She's a fast healer this one." The nurse mused, smiling. "Her vitals are up enough. I'll be able to take this out, but the tubes in her nose will have to stay for probably a few more days."
When all the commotion died down in the room, he took his place at her side, resolving to move only when necessary. The sun started setting and he watched the colors flitter across her face, stroking her arm softly. With all his might, he tried to predict when she would wake up so he could apologize and tell her he cared for her. Everything he felt since she was brought in was a turbulence. There was so much to sort out and FIGURE out, but he couldn't right now. As long as he was by her side, it was enough to deal with. The emotions he felt when being near her swallowed him and he longed to tell her. But all he did was watch the sun set in the room.
~*~*~
'That tickles.' She thought. Cracking an eye to a slit, she looked at Duo through her lashes. She didn't think he could see her because she figured it looked like she was still asleep. She smiled slightly at his protective stare and noticed immediately her lips were closed and the tube was gone. Relief passed, even though the distinct irritation of not being able to breathe through her nose and the desperate want to take the tubes OUT hit her.
"Hilde?" The softness in his voice and the question buzzed her ears. "Are you awake?" She noted the light was almost gone, that it must be dark now. Had she really slept the entire DAY away? Rarely did she do such a thing. It almost felt like a luxury and she felt the sudden urge to get out of bed and move. But she couldn't speak too much because it hurt to even BREATHE normally, so her eyes opened a bit more. The first thing she saw was the hope in his eyes, turned happiness. "You ARE! You're AWAKE!" Light blue painfully closed at his voice level. Was this what a hangover felt like? If she had the ability to, she would've laughed. "Listen Hilde, I wanted to apologize for putting you here." He said, thankfully lowering his voice. "I didn't mean to...it was an accident. I was careless...I should've kept a cool head and THOUGHT for once in my life. But I DIDN'T and now you're HERE and LOOK at you, you can't even BREATHE on your own and-" Hilde held her free hand to his face to silence his ramblings. The sadness and blame in his voice was eating at her.
"Duo...stop." She whispered. She gathered all her energy to say what she needed to say to make him feel better. Seeing Duo like this, so openly pained and punishing himself when NO ONE was at fault, was getting to be too much. She wouldn't be able to talk at a normal tone through the pressure from the bandages, the pain in her chest, or the tubes in her nose, but she was going to try and tell him ANYWAY. Things NEEDED to be said. "It's not entirely...your fault. I shouldn't have...egged you...on. I didn't...stop when...I...should've. Don't YOU go and...blame yourself for-"
Duo's hand shoot in front of her face as he stopped her raspy, broken apology. "I don't want to hear it from you because it is NOT your fault! It's MINE because I was the one that did this to you and now I have to DEAL with this. I got carried away and now you're here, hooked up to nearly every machine in the damned hospital!" Hilde smiled slightly at his exaggeration. He stood up and took a step away from her, flinging his arms around. "I mean, LOOK at where you are! This shouldn't have happened to you! If anything it should've happened to ME! But once again I dive into the deep end without even seeing there's WATER in the POOL! It's MY fault, it's ALL MY FAULT!" He paced across the room, hardly tearing his eyes away from her. The truth was spearing from his lips and there wasn't much he was going to do to spare his ears from hearing it. He DESERVED to hear it.
She saw the guilt in his eyes and knew he was at war with so many feelings. She didn't want him to be so distressed over her because she KNEW she'd pull through, it would just TAKE a while. "Duo..." She whispered. He stopped and looked at her, waiting for her to continue. "...Come here." He complied and sat down closer to her. She was surprised to see tears of anger in his eyes, but knew he was directing that anger at himself. It touched her that he cared about her by the obvious emotions he showed, but also worried her because she didn't want to see him beat himself up this much. This happened and she would be there a while, but she wasn't angry with him or herself. All she could do was forget and move on. Her palm raised to let him take it, but he just looked down and shook his head.
"I don't want to touch you...I'll hurt you again. I can't bear to SEE you like this Hilde. I don't want to see you this defenseless; I've never seen you anything BUT strong. ...It just hurts inside."
Tears shone in her eyes, and some fell from Duo's. Reaching for his face, she touched his cheek and wiped away a tear. "...Listen to me...and listen good...Duo." His gaze went to hers and she nearly cried at the raw emotion in his beautiful eyes. She NEVER thought he'd be so emotional over her, but here he was...CRYING. It made her heart break, and at the same time, she was flattered beyond words. "I want you...to STOP...DOING this...to yourself. We ALL...make mistakes...in our lives. YOU...made a mistake. So did...I. I didn't stop...when I should have." She felt herself losing strength and had to fight to get the words out. This NEEDED to be SAID. "I hate...to see you...this SAD. I don't...WANT you...to beat yourself up...over this." Her eyes closed and a slight wave of dizziness seeped through from having to take constant shallow breaths. She couldn't take a deep breath because of the pain, even THROUGH the drugs she was given. Her eyes worked to pull themselves open and saw the concern in Duo's eyes, but she wasn't finished. "It...HURTS me...Duo...to see you...DO this...to yourself. You're...STRONGER...than this...I...KNOW...you are. Don't prove...me wrong." Her eyes closed from fatigue and she sunk into the bed as sleep started to welcome her. But she didn't want to leave him just to fall asleep, he was in too fragile a state of mind still. She felt a tentative touch over her fingers and used willpower to force her eyes open. He was looking at her hand as his hovered over hers, thoughtful eyes trying to reach a decision over something. "Duo?"
He looked up and carefully took her hand in his, being utterly careful about her iv. Slowly, he brought her knuckles to his mouth and touch them with an extremely soft kiss. "Don't talk Hilde...save your strength." He emotionally whispered. He was reeling from her speech.
She stared into his eyes, her own laced with sleep through drooped lids. Her head gave a minute nod against the pillow, though she wanted to say one more thing. "Duo...I want you...to take...CARE...of yourself. And don't...JUDGE yourself...too harshly...about...this." She reached up and rubbed his cheek with the tips of her fingers. She stared into his eyes, nearly half an arm's length away; the heat in his eyes traveling to hers. They seemed frozen like that, both having a growing urge to reach out and kiss the other. She wanted to as a topper to the moment they created. The emotions in his eyes and what he felt acted as a catalyst. But doubts rose in their minds about each other's feelings, so the action went into the recesses of their minds. Her eyes closed, reopened them briefly, then closed them again.
He stared at the peaceful look on her face; aware of the raging emotional battle he was fighting inside. She told him to take care...it pained her to see him beat himself up for something he KNEW he did wrong... All the things she'd brokenly got out to him flew across his mind and he wondered about her feelings for him, about HIS feelings for HER. 'I could TELL her; she's asleep... I think.' He watched her soft breathing, the slight frown on her face...and wondered. SHOULD he speak his mind? He stayed statue-like, never moving, his eyes on her face. The night crept up and it felt like hours passed, but he guessed only minutes in real life. Still, he never moved as his mind warred its decision. After a while, he figured she would be asleep since her eyes remained closed and he felt no qualms about telling her now. Enough time had to've passed...maybe her subconscious would hear him.
"I don't think you'll ever know HOW sorry I am." He whispered into the night. "Every time I close my eyes...I see you in pain and it hurts inside. I don't want ANYTHING to happen to you Hilde. You mean too much to me to be anything but HAPPY. That's all I've seen you be, if you're not irked at me for something I kid you about. So forgive me if I'm being a little hard on myself." He looked down and sighed, some of the sarcasm and self-anger deflating. "I can't say it enough how sorry I am." He snorted softly. "I almost sound like a broken record the way I talk. But I can't HELP it. I wish there was SOMETHING I could do to help you. All I can do is wait and stay by your side till you're well. And I'm NOT leaving you. I WILL stay here if you need me and not even God himself could tear me away. No mission is as important as you are." He stopped, looking at her face to make sure she was still asleep. He blushed. He was a coward to tell her this now and not when she was awake. Did he think she wouldn't handle it, or turn him away? Still, it was a step in the right direction. At least he was telling her PERIOD. "Do you know I would do ANYTHING to trade places with you? It HURTS me to see you this way. I don't want to beat myself up over this, but HOW can I NOT? It's my FAULT you're here, Hilde." He stopped when his voice threatened to break, tears pooling in his eyes. "I just care about you so MUCH, it's agony to see you hurting." Tears fell as he stared at her face, helpless to do anything but look. He was still afraid to touch her for fear of what his deadly hands could do. "I want to make it up to you. I want you to see that I'm not the bloodthirsty Shinigami I seem to be. True I AM...but I'm MORE than that. I'm also Duo...just Duo..." He wiped a tear away and saw a lift at the corner of her mouth. Could it be?
He looked down, embarrassed that he told her what plagued his soul and she was still awake to hear it. 'But is that necessarily a BAD thing?' He questioned. He also knew that maybe...maybe it was a GOOD thing.
Hilde's voice was a small whisper against the quiet. "Don't be so...hard on yourself...you don't...need to be. I won't LET you...bring yourself down...because it...WAS...an accident. I don't want you...to feel BAD...for me. You already...are...and you need...to STOP. You're too...precious...to me...to do that...to yourself..."
Duo's heart beat wildly in his chest from her confession. His eyes widened, but happiness coursed through him, even IF her administration didn't lower his guilt any. She sighed and swallowed hard from pain. Leaning up, he braced himself carefully on her bed and tentatively kissed her forehead. "Get some sleep babe." He whispered from atop her forehead. "I'll be right here if you need anything." He looked away and she nodded minusculy, moving her head slightly into the pillow. Through the pain, she smiled.