"Gingersnaps!" He made it sound like a hex.
The door swung open and Snape stormed in. "Welcome, Severus! Sit, have some tea." Snape did neither. Dumbledor poured him a cup anyway and placed it in front of him.
Snape pointed an agitated finger at his face. "Albus, what is going on here?"
Dumbledore's face grew concerned. "Dear me Severus, this can't be the first time you've looked in the mirror. Can it?"
"How terribly droll of you Albus. Kindly let me know when your sense of humor graduates past first-year." He stifled a sigh. "You know bloody well what I mean. What are these things doing on my face?"
Albus twinkled. Not just his eyes, his whole being. Bloody twinkle needs to be neutered. It shouldn't be allowed to breed like that.
"Now Severus, cheer up and set a good example. Spectacles are now an official part of the Hogwarts uniform."
"What does that have to do with me? I graduated eons ago."
"No Severus, you graduated decades ago. I graduated eons ago."
"Albus…" he sounded pained. It was far too early in the day for this. He took a deep breath. "Albus, the explanation if you please."
"The order came in from the ministry of magic just a little while ago. The spell was embedded in the scroll. Every person without corrective lenses in the school has suddenly been gifted with a pair of spectacles. Teachers included." Albus looked slightly sympathetic.
Snape sighed. "That would explain why I can't remove them. That would also explain why I'm neither deformed nor discolored." Albus looked puzzled. "If it were the Weasley twins, I would, no doubt, be molting at this point." Albus grinned. Snape took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
"I presume the Ministry thought this drivel would be a good idea to camouflage The Boy Who Is A Bullseye? I can see this making it slightly harder to pick him out in a crowd, but really Albus, surely including the adults was a mistake? He is significantly smaller than I." Snape grimaced slightly and pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "Besides, the spell is a shoddy piece of work. The glasses may not come off, but they won't stay up, and the itch of the magic residue is not to be believed."
"I'm sorry to say, the faculty was no mistake." The twinkle had the good grace to dim for a moment. "You see, yesterday afternoon, Minister Fudge visited the school. He'd wanted to see the Independent Project Fair that we were having…."
* * * * *
Yesterday, early afternoon.
Cornelius Fudge wandered through the Great Hall, barely paying attention to the presentations around him. "Headmaster, I don't know quite how to tell you…. we've had complaints about, er, impropriety at Hogwarts."
Professor Dumbledore looked very concerned. "I know of nothing untoward going on at the school. What have you been hearing?"
Fudge started earnestly, "It seems that proper modesty has absolutely gone out of fashion." The headmaster's lips twitched, but Fudge failed to notice. "The length of some young witches' robes has been almost indecently short. Too short for impressionable young wizards to see! And heavens, FAR too short for the older young wizards to even be around! You know what they're like at that age! All impulse and no sense! Something needs to be done about this."
Albus hesitated a moment. It figures. "I see what you mean, but we do have guidelines here. The students can only alter their wardrobes so much without a professor giving them detention. We do keep an eye on these things. As far as I can tell, no one has been flouting the rules." They were passing Hermione's exhibit. It was full of colorful views, had a few sparkly bits here and there, and best yet, her robes were properly ankle-length. Yes, that should do nicely. "Minister, this is Hermione Granger, one of our most promising young witches. Hermione, it looks like you've done something fascinating here. Why don't you tell the Minister about it?"
"Of course Professor! Minister, how lovely to see you!" Yes, you could always count on Hermione to beam and gush at the right time. Brilliant girl. He'd have to give her a raise. Well, maybe just a book or two. "I've been working on researching magical solutions to Muggle viruses. Of course, they're not confined to the Muggle world, many of them have crossed over into wizard society…"
As predicted, while Hermione lectured, Fudge got caught up in the pretty lights and sparkling graphs. Albus congratulated himself on having sidestepped the matter neatly and looked around for another colorful exhibit to show Fudge. Albus tried to recall if Fred and George Weasley had gotten up to anything this year. He suspected Fudge would love their style.
"Well Miss Granger, it looks like you've done a good bit of work here." Hermione preened under the minister's praise. "But what exactly is a virus?"
"Oh! It's a Muggle name for a tiny disease-bearing organism that's too small to be seen with the naked eye, and –"
"Naked eye?" Albus scented trouble. "Naked eye? Good grief!" Fudge tugged on shoulder of Albus' robe. He whispered vehemently, "No trouble here Albus? Look around! Naked eyes on almost all of the children! Indecent!"
"But Minister… it is rather customary to have one's eyes uncovered. They see better that way. Most everyone has 'naked eyes.' Heh." Come on Minister, work with me, you can't possibly be this stupid.
"My eyes are never naked! My eyes are always properly clothed in spectacles! Naked eyes indeed!" Fudge quickly exited the great hall, muttering.
Sigh. Maybe he could be. Still, at least he left without making any trouble, hadn't he?
* * * * *
Snape tried pinched the bridge of his nose to avert an impending headache. The glasses got in the way. He sat down instead.
Albus pulled out his wand and tapped the cooling tea cup. It started steaming, and he said "It's willowbark now." Snape gulped it gratefully.
"I am not unsympathetic, Severus. This is one of the sillier things that the Ministry has dreamed up. I'm sure I can convince him to rescind it in a few days. In the meantime, look on the bright side," he smiled, "it will be an object lesson for the students to never underestimate a beauracrat's capacity for foolishness."
Snape almost smiled.
* * * * *
Binns wasn't smiling. "This is ridiculous," he harrumphed.
The normally staid professor was a bit put out. So, for that matter, were many of the other teachers milling about the faculty lounge. The others, however, at least had the amusement of watching Binns. Binns, for the umpteenth time, pushed his new spectacles up onto the bridge of his nose where they belonged. They stayed put for a fraction of a second before swinging down to rest midway though the poor ghost's nose. He sighed. The frames, apparently, were slightly more corporeal than he.
Rolonda Hooch snarled and paced the lounge, no more happy than Binns. She couldn't wear her flight goggles over the damn things, and had just discovered that she couldn't even get rid of them by invoking her animagi skills. A hawk with spectacles is not the most graceful creature ever, and Hooch had had a near miss with the Whomping Willow. Her pacing only occasionally paused, usually to loudly cast aspersion on the Weasley lineage and make threats towards tender parts of Fred Weasley's anatomy.
"Why Fred?" asked McGonagall.
"He's the more devious one. George would be almost manageable if not for Fred."
"You can tell them apart?"
She replied distractedly, "I am a woman of many talents."
Professor Sprout briefly choked and turned beet red. Minerva snickered. Hooch looked up momentarily startled, then continued ranting, "When I get my hands on that boy, he won't be able to sit on that broom for a week, minimum."
"Old habits die hard, Rolonda?" Snape drawled. A small epidemic of coughing broke out among the faculty. His entrance may have gone unnoticed, but never his commentary.
Hooch finally stopped pacing, grinned and put her hands on her hips, "Ah, the good old days!"
"You always did have the most peculiar ideas of fun," he said, throwing a quick but significant glance at Professor Sprout. Sprout glared. He ignored her and continued, "As loathe as I am to discourage an abbreviation of the Weasley line, you don't have cause."
"Oh?"
"I just came from Dumbledore's office. This is Fudge's brainchild."
The faculty chorused a groan.
"Darn it, I can't castrate a member of the Ministry, now can I?"
"Not literally, but I understand that he has an attractive wife." Snape said blandly.
Hooch's grin widened. Sprout sighed and smacked herself in the forehead. Snape smirked. He did so enjoy being a Slytherin sometimes.
* * * * *
Snape's humor continued to improve when he figured out that while the glasses could not be removed, they could be transfigured. He changed his into a much lighter, thinner framed pair, and consequently, they didn't slide down his face half so much.
Fifteen minutes into his first class, he was no longer smiling. If anyone had told him that a change in school uniform would change his prized 7th-year Ravenclaws into a class full of Longbottoms, he would have sneered. He still couldn't believe what had happened to his classroom. He shook his head as he surveyed the damage. There could be no fewer than three melted cauldrons, four shattered vials, and six, (six!) partial transfigurations.
It was those damned glasses. Apparently, he was not the only one for whom they were unpleasantly distracting. They graduated from minor annoyance to outright nuisance in the framework of the Potions room. A frustrated Ravenclaw went from chopping dried scorpions to frantically rubbing her face when the itch became too much. When her hand left her face, purplish scales were left behind. They didn't itch any less, but they were highly noticeable.
When her partner noticed, he squawked and jumped back – right into another classmate's table, jostling it. A vial of dragon bile was knocked onto a pile of perfectly diced scorpion bits setting off a small explosion and a burst of sickly green sparks. Unfortunately, the sparks were more than an offense to interior decorating. Where spark met flesh, a small, scaled horn grew up. Each spark that made it to the safety of the Potions floor caused a much larger spike to grow up. A yelp was heard as one of them stuck a student in the thigh. Snape surmised that after many year of spilled potions, the floor decided to fight back.
The class went downhill from there.
* * * * *
Professor McGonagall was probably the only member of the faculty having a good day. She in a pleasant mood as her class of first year Hufflepuffs walked in for Transfigurations. The spectacles made them look so much more serious and studious. She was inclined to think that in spite of the foolishness, that maybe Fudge's idea wasn't so bad. It was even slightly cute on the children, and it gave her a wonderful idea for class.
"Children, we have a special treat for you today. I'm sure by now that you've noticed the new additions to your Hogwarts uniforms." Five Hufflepuffs immediately pushed their glasses higher on their nose while seven others rubbed and scratched their faces furiously. "Yes, I see you have. What you probably haven't noticed is that they're largely made of magic." The students' mutinous faced started to look interested. "And today you'll get to feel like seventh years. Your transfigurations will be remarkably easy. Here's the secret: the more magical an object is, the responsive it is to magic."
The Hufflepuffs looked thoughtful. As that was sometimes a challenge in and of itself, Professor McGonagall felt that things were proceeding nicely. She approached a girl in the front row whose small face was nearly drowning in the overlarge glasses. Aesthetics and lessons, two birds at once.
"Cassia, we'll start with you." McGonagall handed her a mirror. "Focus on the spectacles and make them something a bit more suitable. Concentrate strongly one some you might like better." Cassia didn't have to be told twice. She stared very intently at the mirror, tapped her glasses with her wand, and said "occularum personalitus." The thick black frames wavered for a moment, then shrank dramatically to become delicate yellow and black striped frames with tiny Hufflepuff badgers curled up and napping at each corner.
The students murmured in surprise and several of the closest leaned in to admire Cassia's handiwork. None of the first years had ever gotten a spell to work that well and quickly before. McGonagall smiled as she watched the rest of the class start working on the spell with enthusiasm. Nothing quite like a bit of motivation to get students going! The new glasses were silly, but a positive learning experience and a boost of confidence that would aid in their transfigurations classes for years to come. Professor McGonagall was feeling quite pleased with herself.
* * * * *
Snape placed a finger on his eye in an attempt to still the twitching. His day had not improved. At least he'd managed to quickly tone down the other lessons to a much safer level. Fewer people visited Madam Pomfrey after the Ravenclaw class, but not for lack of trying. Hogwarts' students were amazingly adept at self-injury.
Sadly, while he had spent much of the day painstakingly rearranging the lesson plans to minimize chaos, some students were apparently trying for the opposite effect. Someone, probably the Weasley twins, had also figured out that you could transfigure the bloody spectacles. The result, was Potions with Slytherin and Gryffindor.
Miss Granger was first to class, as usual. Less usual were the sparkling red glasses with sparkling gold highlights. More gold sparkles framed the glasses in midair. She twinkled even more than the headmaster. Not to be outdone, Lavender Brown had a couple of small, purple unicorns running laps around the frames of her glasses. It was a bit dizzying to watch. Even Longbottom had gotten in on the act. He'd managed to coax small ivy vines into growing around the frames. It was surprisingly tasteful for a Gryffindor.
Speaking of tasteless, for the first time Weasley the Younger was early to class. He waltzed in with an escort. A small red and gold lion perched at either side of the frames. They were as shiny as Hermione's collection of stardust, but noisier. They roared at every passing Slytherin. An equal opportunity nuisance, they roared at every passing Gryffindor as well. For that matter, they seemed to roar their tinny little roar at every passing dust mite.
The lions gathered a bit of an audience. That's when they went from nuisance to menace. One of the onlookers jostled Longbottom in for an unexpectedly close view. A louder roar and a frightened scream later, Longbottom had long bleeding cuts on his cheek. The boy left back, clutching his bleeding face. The offending mini-lion licked is paw clean and stared hungrily after him as Weasley offered apologies.
"Finite Incantatem!" The boy's glasses quickly changed back to their original clunky shape. "Weasley, ten points from Gryffindor for careless enchantments! Miss Brown, escort Mr. Longbottom to Madam Pomfrey. And get rid of those unicorns before they poke the boy's eye out as well."
Ten points indeed. He'd been overly charitable, but it wasn't every day that got to have Longbottom removed from his classroom before class even started. He could almost thank the boy.
He watched Miss Brown leave with a whimpering Longbottom. That's when Draco walked in. He was sporting cat's-eye shaped sunglasses with emerald green snakes entwined about the frame. It was going to be a long class.
* * * * *
Snape was not happy. He'd been forced to end the class early just to get that volatile mix of students OUT of his even more volatile classroom. In spite of his best efforts, someone provoked the floor into fighting back again, resulting in a number of internal injuries for Poppy to deal with.
"Albus, this can't go on."
He collapsed on the nearest chair in the headmaster's office. His face had a number of minor scratches on it, and his robes had a number of charred holes, some larger than others. Fortunately, he appeared to be unaware of the red and gold streaks in his hair.
Albus did his best to look sympathetic. "Yes, Severus, I did hear you had some problems today. Have no fear, the problem is virtually taken care of. Have some tea."
"Wonderful." He took the offered teacup and closed his eyes in relief. A moment later, they snapped back open. "Virtually?" He narrowed his eyes at the headmaster.
"Yes, I sent a special representative of the school to take care of it less than half an hour ago."
Snape was suspicious. That twinkle was back and had brought friends. "Special representative?" he asked cautiously.
"Lucius Malfoy."
Snape nearly spit out his tea. "Albus, how –"
"Mr. Malfoy came storming in here a just a little while ago. He was quite demanding – wanted to know what sort of hex had been placed on his boy. I gently directed him to the Ministry of Magic and Cornelius Fudge." Albus twinkled.
"Gently directed?"
"In trying to placate the man, I told Mr. Malfoy how charming the school thought the current resemblance between Draco and Mr. Potter. He left for the Ministry very quickly thereafter."
Snape's lips twitched. "I should like to be a fly on the wall for that scene."
"Would you now?" Albus looked at him consideringly. "Well then, happy unbirthday to you Severus." He picked up a seemingly random bottle and wandered over to the fireplace. "Come join me. This here is fly-powder, a useful little variation of floo-powder. He picked up a handful and tossed it into the fire. The flames turned an odd shade of green. "Ministry of Magic, Cornelius Fudge's office." The green flames grew higher and showed the contents of the office, including a rather unhappy Mr. Malfoy and a slightly cowering Mr. Fudge."
" – simply cannot believe it."
"But, Mr. Malfoy –"
"What were you thinking? Do you even think? No, no, I'm sure you don't. Whatever would you think with? I doubt you've more than a walnut and a handful of gravel between your ears. No, please, don't tell me what else you might have in there. I'm sure it would be as tasteless and ill-formed as the rest of your existence. Good heavens man, you've got less sense than a house-elf!"
Snape started to smile. Speaking of house elves, Malfoy was expounding on the unlikely and rather rude things that he thought Fudge did with house elves in his spare time. He almost laughed out loud when Malfoy gently started explaining the relative positioning of a slime mold and a week-dead catfish in Fudge's family tree. And it just kept going.
Albus smiled serenely. "My, he is terribly inventive."
"He always has been. I have always wanted to take notes when his ire was up."
Then Malfoy started suggesting how Fudge might improve his ability to think.
Albus raised his eyebrows. "My, that would be a novel usage of Transfiguration, but however would the Minister sit down?" Snape snorted.
The fire died down slightly and regained its normal orange color. Albus sighed. "Alas, fly-powder does have a limited life span. We were fortunate to see as much of it as we did. But I suppose I should have expected it."
"Oh?"
"The spell was inclined to cooperate. Fire always enjoys a good raking over the coals."
Twitch.