After the angry students got rid of the Bayor, Fluffy and Gangel
resumed their relationship. Gangel still had weekend visitations with his
son, Ronnor. When Ronnor was a baby, Gangel had accidentally hired a
really bad babysitter named Moltz, who took Ronnor to a hell-dimension for
three days. When Ronnor came back, he was a teenage cat, not much younger
than Fluffy herself.
Fluffy took Ronnor to putt-putt again. Then, they went to get ice cream.
"We're out of pistachio," the ice cream man said. Ronnor got pissed and leapt over the counter. He punched the ice cream man and then he tried to chop his ear off.
"Now Ronnor," Fluffy said sternly, "what did I say about chopping off people's ears when you're angry?"
"Only when you say I can," Ronnor said shamefully.
"Very good," said Fluffy. "Now, lets eat as much ice cream as we possibly can since they're out of the flavor we want." So Fluffy and Ronnor both tied up the ice cream man and gorged themselves on the ice cream without even bothering to take it out of the freezer-thing.
"Wow, Fluffy, you're the greatest, even if you are sleeping with my father," Ronnor said. After reading Cinderella he'd been suspicious of any female who wanted to have sex with his dad, but Fluffy had patiently explained that a) that only happened with the silly humans, b) Gangel wasn't going to die, anyhow, c) Ronnor could easily chop Fluffy's ear off if she tried any funny business and d) Fluffy didn't need the money; she had a trust fund from her former owners and had been able to tap into Bordelia's new bank account, where she stole all of Bordelia's Fresh Step commercial money. (Bordelia was too busy getting high off her vision-pain medication to notice. She had acquired visions by making out with some half- demon-cat thing named Royle, who she now lived with. She was no longer in show business since Royle had knocked her up three times already, and she was now fat and had to take care of about twenty kids. She was a cat, after all, and thus had litters.)
Well, Fluffy and Ronnor went back to Fluffy's house to watch cable television. Gangel didn't have cable television, since it would be difficult to get a cable installer man in during the day when he was liable to burst into flames and die, so it just didn't seem worth it. (Both cats, strangely, had whole houses to themselves. No one knew how it had happened.) She and Ronnor were watching VH1-Behind the Music when in walked Fluffy's little sister, Lawn.
That's right! Fluffy had a little sister named Lawn. No one was quite sure where she'd come from, all of the sudden. It seemed like she had always been there, and so they didn't pay much attention to it. They had all these falsely implanted memories of her, after all. But there was still that feeling that she hadn't always been there... mainly, the feeling that said that they hadn't always gone around in the perpetually annoyed state she put them all in. Not even Blander liked her, and he liked everybody. Which should've been their first clue that something was very wrong with Lawn.
"You've been slaying again, haven't you?" Whined Lawn. "You never do anything with me, and you're always hanging out with Ronnor."
"I wasn't slaying. I was stealing ice cream from chubby, middle-aged Pakistani men who had done nothing wrong," Fluffy told her, flipping channels.
"You were bothering Mahmood again? But he sends us Christmas cards and mows our grass," Lawn whined more. (Watching Mahmood, who was also a cat, mow the grass was very interesting.)
"He deserved it," said Ronnor, not looking up. "He had the nerve to be out of pistachio. Pistachio is my favorite!"
"It was mean of him," Fluffy agreed, hugging Ronnor. "After all, you spent a big chunk of your life in a hell-dimension. The least they can do is give you some damn pistachio ice cream."
"You never hug me," Lawn said.
"I don't even want to touch you," Fluffy told her. "Now go away. We're trying to have a good time watching VH1-Behind the Music. And you're ruining it."
"I'm telling mom," screamed Lawn.
"We don't have a mother, stupid. Humans in LA raised me, and no one knows where you came from. Why are we even accepting you as my sister, anyway?" It was the first time this had occurred to Fluffy, but she and Ronnor found it very logical and began to ponder it. Lawn ran off to pout before she got kicked out of the house.
"Can I cut off her ears?" asked Ronnor hopefully.
"Why of course you can!" Fluffy said. "And kill her while you're at it. I don't know why you'd want her ears, but maybe we could burn them in some sort of voodoo thing before she died. I'm sure Chillow would know a nice spell."
"We should do that with my dad. I'm sure the social worker would think that it was appropriate family bonding time. Maybe I could live here every day!" Ronnor had been taken by social workers when they found out he'd been in a hell-dimension. Now he was staying in a juvenile delinquent facility until they decided that Gangel was a proper guardian. It was expected to be soon, since all the people at Ronnor's facility were afraid of him and wanted to see him go. "After she saw us torturing Lawn as one big, happy family, she'd know how great my life here is and then I wouldn't have to go back to the facility."
"They have awful food at that facility," agreed Fluffy, who had visited Ronnor once. "Even though you broke Gangel's and my rules, I can see why you had to chop the ears off of those doctors, cafeteria workers, orderlies and janitors. What kind of crappy social worker deliberately puts a child in that place."
"I'm almost as old as you are, you know," Ronnor said.
"Yeah. That's the only part that makes it weird. But you don't really think of Gangel as your father, either, so I guess we're okay there."
Fluffy and Ronnor both shrugged and went back to watching VH1-Behind the Music. It was all about Mariah Carey. They had a good time throwing stuff at the screen during the annoying or boring parts, mainly popcorn, scrunchies, and tinfoil balls.
About that time someone knocked the front door down. Fluffy sighed. "Lawn, have you been out in public again? You know how that pisses the entire world off, and then they come and yell at me because for some demented reason I'm your guardian."
There was a cat in the doorway. She was a very pretty cat, something of the equivalent of a human with long, blond hair. And she was very, very strong. Not to mention a major fashion-buff. Yes, this was a very trendy, beautiful cat indeed.
"My name is Flory," said the cat. "And I am looking for the Key." If she had been a human she probably would've put her hands on her hips about then. As it was she just glared.
"What key?" asked Fluffy, looking at Ronnor to see if he knew. "A car key? A house key? I'm sorry, but we don't have your key."
"No, no, no," said Flory, exasperated. "It's not an ordinary key like that. It's the Key. It was a big ball of energy and now it's something else. Like, a chair or a car or maybe an umbrella. And you have it. The monks sent it to you for safe keeping."
"I'm sorry, Flory," said Fluffy. "You seem very nice and everything, but I haven't received any packages from monks. The must not have used Federal Express or UPS, because otherwise I'm sure I would've gotten it. Because if you try to use those little package-sending companies, they always lose your stuff."
"And that's why you said I could chop their ears off," finished Ronnor proudly. "Fluffy tried to send me some cookies while boycotting large package-sending companies," he explained to Flory.
"I'll never boycott them again!" Fluffy said.
"The monks wouldn't have told you what the Key was," Flory cried. "But you obviously don't know. If you find out, will you tell me?"
"Sure! Drop by anytime. Just ring the door bell, though."
"Ok! Sometime I'll have to tell you all about my life as a hell-god and my plans to use the Key."
"Ok," said Fluffy. Flory put the door back on and then she turned into a boy cat.
"Crap, where am I," said the cat that used to be Flory.
"Who are you?" asked Fluffy.
"I'm Ken," said the boy cat. "And I have to go back to work, at the hospital. Because that's where I work. Because I'm a doctor. Well, not really, but I like to pretend."
"That's nice," said Fluffy, ushering him out. She turned to Ronnor. "That Flory was nice, but Ken is annoying!" Ronnor nodded vigorously.
"Was that my friend?" Lawn screeched.
"Ow! I think she ruptured my ear drums," Ronnor moaned.
"Shut the hell up, Lawn! You don't have any friends," Fluffy yelled back to Lawn. "Poor Ronnor. Don't worry, we'll cause Lawn all sorts of pain soon. She'll be sorry she was ever artificially thrust into our lives."
Ronnor glared at the ceiling.
"I do to!" Yelled Lawn. "That's why I went out with Kanice on Halloween!"
"Kanice was using you for your money, and she needed a date for her boyfriend's friend. That's the only reason you were invited," Fluffy told Lawn.
"Can we please do something about her now?" begged Ronnor. "She's just not right... hey! I'll bet Lawn is the Key! That's why she suddenly showed up and nobody thought it was weird. She's certainly the only out of place thing around here."
Fluffy's pet elephant Snorky trumpeted his agreement from the back yard.
"Ok! Well, if Flory wants Lawn, why don't we give her to her? It's not like we want her. And maybe once Lawn gets shoved in the keyhole she'll shut up," Fluffy said.
"Good idea, Fluffy. Let's go tell dad after we check to see if Mahmood got that pistachio ice cream yet. It's been three hours, he's had plenty of time to escape from his ropes and fetch it."
So Fluffy and Ronnor went to visit Mahmood, who still didn't have the pistachio ice cream. They beat Mahmood some more and ate more of his ice cream. Mahmood made muffled noises through his gag, prompting Ronnor to threaten to chop his ears off and wave around the big, giant knife that Fluffy had given him for his birthday.
Then they went to Gangel's house. It was a very big house on a hill with lots of trees around it. There were very thick curtains, and Gangel was looking into getting both mirrors and a telephone for when Ronnor finally got to move in full time. (Ronnor was sure to be on the phone with his friends all the time, and they'd probably have to dial 911 eventually. For when Ronnor cut off door-to-door salesmen's ears.)
"Hi son," Gangel said. "Hi Fluffy. So, are we going to do family bonding first and then sex, or sex first and then family bonding?"
"Neither, Gangel! We've got big news!" Fluffy exclaimed. "Some hell god named Flory is willing to take Lawn off our hands permanently. She wants Lawn because Lawn is some kind of freaky key thing and Flory needs Lawn to go home."
"I've heard about the Key," Gangel said. "It'll let in all sorts of hell beasties and then the world will end." He sounded worried.
"So, how do we close the door-thingy?" Asked Fluffy, positive she could find a loophole that would help Flory and end with Lawn's demise.
"Kill Lawn," Gangel said simply.
"Well we can do that!" Fluffy cried. "As soon as Flory leaves, we'll hack Lawn to bits."
"Dibs on the ears," Ronnor said. Gangel and Fluffy smiled at him proudly. He was such a model child!
The next day, with Ronnor back in his facility, Fluffy was watching VH1-Behind the Music alone. Lawn was upstairs in the linen closet, otherwise known as her new room, where Fluffy had locked her. The doorbell rang.
It was Flory. "Hi," she said. "Have you found my Key yet? It only works once."
"Yes! My pretend sister Lawn is your key. But we don't want her. So you can use her, and once you leave I'll kill her!"
"Good plan," agreed Flory happily. "Bring her down and I'll get her ready for the ceremony." So Fluffy went and got Lawn, who had been all tied up in her room.
"Here you go," Fluffy said, handing Lawn to Flory.
"Thanks!" said Flory. "Meet me at the tower the crazy people built, oh, nine-ish, and then we'll sacrifice her and I'll go home."
"Sounds fun," said Fluffy. So she, Gangel, and Ronnor (who got a field-trip pass especially for the occasion) went to the tower. Flory was all ready. She sliced Lawn open so there would be lots of blood to open the portal, and then she went right on home! (Much to Ken's dismay. Now he'd never be a real doctor.)
Just when the world was about to end, Ronnor hit Lawn with a sledgehammer, and she died. So every one lived happily ever after without Lawn. For then, at least.
Fluffy took Ronnor to putt-putt again. Then, they went to get ice cream.
"We're out of pistachio," the ice cream man said. Ronnor got pissed and leapt over the counter. He punched the ice cream man and then he tried to chop his ear off.
"Now Ronnor," Fluffy said sternly, "what did I say about chopping off people's ears when you're angry?"
"Only when you say I can," Ronnor said shamefully.
"Very good," said Fluffy. "Now, lets eat as much ice cream as we possibly can since they're out of the flavor we want." So Fluffy and Ronnor both tied up the ice cream man and gorged themselves on the ice cream without even bothering to take it out of the freezer-thing.
"Wow, Fluffy, you're the greatest, even if you are sleeping with my father," Ronnor said. After reading Cinderella he'd been suspicious of any female who wanted to have sex with his dad, but Fluffy had patiently explained that a) that only happened with the silly humans, b) Gangel wasn't going to die, anyhow, c) Ronnor could easily chop Fluffy's ear off if she tried any funny business and d) Fluffy didn't need the money; she had a trust fund from her former owners and had been able to tap into Bordelia's new bank account, where she stole all of Bordelia's Fresh Step commercial money. (Bordelia was too busy getting high off her vision-pain medication to notice. She had acquired visions by making out with some half- demon-cat thing named Royle, who she now lived with. She was no longer in show business since Royle had knocked her up three times already, and she was now fat and had to take care of about twenty kids. She was a cat, after all, and thus had litters.)
Well, Fluffy and Ronnor went back to Fluffy's house to watch cable television. Gangel didn't have cable television, since it would be difficult to get a cable installer man in during the day when he was liable to burst into flames and die, so it just didn't seem worth it. (Both cats, strangely, had whole houses to themselves. No one knew how it had happened.) She and Ronnor were watching VH1-Behind the Music when in walked Fluffy's little sister, Lawn.
That's right! Fluffy had a little sister named Lawn. No one was quite sure where she'd come from, all of the sudden. It seemed like she had always been there, and so they didn't pay much attention to it. They had all these falsely implanted memories of her, after all. But there was still that feeling that she hadn't always been there... mainly, the feeling that said that they hadn't always gone around in the perpetually annoyed state she put them all in. Not even Blander liked her, and he liked everybody. Which should've been their first clue that something was very wrong with Lawn.
"You've been slaying again, haven't you?" Whined Lawn. "You never do anything with me, and you're always hanging out with Ronnor."
"I wasn't slaying. I was stealing ice cream from chubby, middle-aged Pakistani men who had done nothing wrong," Fluffy told her, flipping channels.
"You were bothering Mahmood again? But he sends us Christmas cards and mows our grass," Lawn whined more. (Watching Mahmood, who was also a cat, mow the grass was very interesting.)
"He deserved it," said Ronnor, not looking up. "He had the nerve to be out of pistachio. Pistachio is my favorite!"
"It was mean of him," Fluffy agreed, hugging Ronnor. "After all, you spent a big chunk of your life in a hell-dimension. The least they can do is give you some damn pistachio ice cream."
"You never hug me," Lawn said.
"I don't even want to touch you," Fluffy told her. "Now go away. We're trying to have a good time watching VH1-Behind the Music. And you're ruining it."
"I'm telling mom," screamed Lawn.
"We don't have a mother, stupid. Humans in LA raised me, and no one knows where you came from. Why are we even accepting you as my sister, anyway?" It was the first time this had occurred to Fluffy, but she and Ronnor found it very logical and began to ponder it. Lawn ran off to pout before she got kicked out of the house.
"Can I cut off her ears?" asked Ronnor hopefully.
"Why of course you can!" Fluffy said. "And kill her while you're at it. I don't know why you'd want her ears, but maybe we could burn them in some sort of voodoo thing before she died. I'm sure Chillow would know a nice spell."
"We should do that with my dad. I'm sure the social worker would think that it was appropriate family bonding time. Maybe I could live here every day!" Ronnor had been taken by social workers when they found out he'd been in a hell-dimension. Now he was staying in a juvenile delinquent facility until they decided that Gangel was a proper guardian. It was expected to be soon, since all the people at Ronnor's facility were afraid of him and wanted to see him go. "After she saw us torturing Lawn as one big, happy family, she'd know how great my life here is and then I wouldn't have to go back to the facility."
"They have awful food at that facility," agreed Fluffy, who had visited Ronnor once. "Even though you broke Gangel's and my rules, I can see why you had to chop the ears off of those doctors, cafeteria workers, orderlies and janitors. What kind of crappy social worker deliberately puts a child in that place."
"I'm almost as old as you are, you know," Ronnor said.
"Yeah. That's the only part that makes it weird. But you don't really think of Gangel as your father, either, so I guess we're okay there."
Fluffy and Ronnor both shrugged and went back to watching VH1-Behind the Music. It was all about Mariah Carey. They had a good time throwing stuff at the screen during the annoying or boring parts, mainly popcorn, scrunchies, and tinfoil balls.
About that time someone knocked the front door down. Fluffy sighed. "Lawn, have you been out in public again? You know how that pisses the entire world off, and then they come and yell at me because for some demented reason I'm your guardian."
There was a cat in the doorway. She was a very pretty cat, something of the equivalent of a human with long, blond hair. And she was very, very strong. Not to mention a major fashion-buff. Yes, this was a very trendy, beautiful cat indeed.
"My name is Flory," said the cat. "And I am looking for the Key." If she had been a human she probably would've put her hands on her hips about then. As it was she just glared.
"What key?" asked Fluffy, looking at Ronnor to see if he knew. "A car key? A house key? I'm sorry, but we don't have your key."
"No, no, no," said Flory, exasperated. "It's not an ordinary key like that. It's the Key. It was a big ball of energy and now it's something else. Like, a chair or a car or maybe an umbrella. And you have it. The monks sent it to you for safe keeping."
"I'm sorry, Flory," said Fluffy. "You seem very nice and everything, but I haven't received any packages from monks. The must not have used Federal Express or UPS, because otherwise I'm sure I would've gotten it. Because if you try to use those little package-sending companies, they always lose your stuff."
"And that's why you said I could chop their ears off," finished Ronnor proudly. "Fluffy tried to send me some cookies while boycotting large package-sending companies," he explained to Flory.
"I'll never boycott them again!" Fluffy said.
"The monks wouldn't have told you what the Key was," Flory cried. "But you obviously don't know. If you find out, will you tell me?"
"Sure! Drop by anytime. Just ring the door bell, though."
"Ok! Sometime I'll have to tell you all about my life as a hell-god and my plans to use the Key."
"Ok," said Fluffy. Flory put the door back on and then she turned into a boy cat.
"Crap, where am I," said the cat that used to be Flory.
"Who are you?" asked Fluffy.
"I'm Ken," said the boy cat. "And I have to go back to work, at the hospital. Because that's where I work. Because I'm a doctor. Well, not really, but I like to pretend."
"That's nice," said Fluffy, ushering him out. She turned to Ronnor. "That Flory was nice, but Ken is annoying!" Ronnor nodded vigorously.
"Was that my friend?" Lawn screeched.
"Ow! I think she ruptured my ear drums," Ronnor moaned.
"Shut the hell up, Lawn! You don't have any friends," Fluffy yelled back to Lawn. "Poor Ronnor. Don't worry, we'll cause Lawn all sorts of pain soon. She'll be sorry she was ever artificially thrust into our lives."
Ronnor glared at the ceiling.
"I do to!" Yelled Lawn. "That's why I went out with Kanice on Halloween!"
"Kanice was using you for your money, and she needed a date for her boyfriend's friend. That's the only reason you were invited," Fluffy told Lawn.
"Can we please do something about her now?" begged Ronnor. "She's just not right... hey! I'll bet Lawn is the Key! That's why she suddenly showed up and nobody thought it was weird. She's certainly the only out of place thing around here."
Fluffy's pet elephant Snorky trumpeted his agreement from the back yard.
"Ok! Well, if Flory wants Lawn, why don't we give her to her? It's not like we want her. And maybe once Lawn gets shoved in the keyhole she'll shut up," Fluffy said.
"Good idea, Fluffy. Let's go tell dad after we check to see if Mahmood got that pistachio ice cream yet. It's been three hours, he's had plenty of time to escape from his ropes and fetch it."
So Fluffy and Ronnor went to visit Mahmood, who still didn't have the pistachio ice cream. They beat Mahmood some more and ate more of his ice cream. Mahmood made muffled noises through his gag, prompting Ronnor to threaten to chop his ears off and wave around the big, giant knife that Fluffy had given him for his birthday.
Then they went to Gangel's house. It was a very big house on a hill with lots of trees around it. There were very thick curtains, and Gangel was looking into getting both mirrors and a telephone for when Ronnor finally got to move in full time. (Ronnor was sure to be on the phone with his friends all the time, and they'd probably have to dial 911 eventually. For when Ronnor cut off door-to-door salesmen's ears.)
"Hi son," Gangel said. "Hi Fluffy. So, are we going to do family bonding first and then sex, or sex first and then family bonding?"
"Neither, Gangel! We've got big news!" Fluffy exclaimed. "Some hell god named Flory is willing to take Lawn off our hands permanently. She wants Lawn because Lawn is some kind of freaky key thing and Flory needs Lawn to go home."
"I've heard about the Key," Gangel said. "It'll let in all sorts of hell beasties and then the world will end." He sounded worried.
"So, how do we close the door-thingy?" Asked Fluffy, positive she could find a loophole that would help Flory and end with Lawn's demise.
"Kill Lawn," Gangel said simply.
"Well we can do that!" Fluffy cried. "As soon as Flory leaves, we'll hack Lawn to bits."
"Dibs on the ears," Ronnor said. Gangel and Fluffy smiled at him proudly. He was such a model child!
The next day, with Ronnor back in his facility, Fluffy was watching VH1-Behind the Music alone. Lawn was upstairs in the linen closet, otherwise known as her new room, where Fluffy had locked her. The doorbell rang.
It was Flory. "Hi," she said. "Have you found my Key yet? It only works once."
"Yes! My pretend sister Lawn is your key. But we don't want her. So you can use her, and once you leave I'll kill her!"
"Good plan," agreed Flory happily. "Bring her down and I'll get her ready for the ceremony." So Fluffy went and got Lawn, who had been all tied up in her room.
"Here you go," Fluffy said, handing Lawn to Flory.
"Thanks!" said Flory. "Meet me at the tower the crazy people built, oh, nine-ish, and then we'll sacrifice her and I'll go home."
"Sounds fun," said Fluffy. So she, Gangel, and Ronnor (who got a field-trip pass especially for the occasion) went to the tower. Flory was all ready. She sliced Lawn open so there would be lots of blood to open the portal, and then she went right on home! (Much to Ken's dismay. Now he'd never be a real doctor.)
Just when the world was about to end, Ronnor hit Lawn with a sledgehammer, and she died. So every one lived happily ever after without Lawn. For then, at least.