AN: Yes, I know this isn't exactly how things happened on the show (certain
human-counterparts were not around, etc) but I wrote the other chapters
first and am really only doing the Master at all because of the vamp-look-
alike in the current season.
Well, after the trouble with Chillow killing Quarran, Nonathan, and Mandrew, Fluffy and her friends were ready to settle down quietly for a while. Ronnor and Fluffy's parents had been mass-producing Connor's ear memory quilts, and since Ronnor had no place to put them he had been selling them on E-bay, and making a damn lot of money as well.
Chillow and Boz were back together. It was taking them a while to work things out, since Chillow had developed odd tastes while with Fara, but they were doing fairly well. Boz's band had broken up after Boz, embracing the inner werewolf-cat, had gone psycho on them and killed most of them. He would've tried to recruit new members (in Sunnydale it was oddly easy to get new employees or band members despite the mortality rates) but he had smashed the amplifiers and most of the other equipment including the instruments and didn't have money for replacements. Boz was poor, you see. So he and Chillow were now planning on opening a super-fast Japanese restaurant, which they were planning to call "The Demonic Sushi." Chillow had found some lovely recipes for sushi rolls containing demon meat, and this would be very cost efficient since Fluffy killed demons and all.
Fluffy and Gangel had been using their free time to progress their relationship (read: sleeping together, since cats have needs, too) and hanging out in general. They watched lots of VH-1: Behind the Music a lot, and also Muppet Treasure Island. Fluffy and Ronnor took a crafts class with Fluffy's parents, and Fluffy made a special wicker basket to hold their foil balls in, which came in handy during the boring bits of shows when they wanted to throw things at the screen. But then the crafts teacher ran out of lavender ribbon, which was Fluffy and her mother's favorite color, and so they all got together as a family and beat him up. The class was then discontinued as the teacher had to go to the emergency room. But, being Sunnydale, there were no assault charges.
Wike and Lanya had continued to live in Wike's crypt, and they had sex on a web-cam a lot. Lanya made a profitable website called "Wike and Lanya's crazy sex on a web-cam" which was very profitable. This made Lanya happy, as she liked money.
Zem was around a lot, and did much vacuuming and serving of hors d'ouvres. Flory was also still in touch, and was ruling with great tyranny over her hell-dimension. Everyone was increasingly proud of her success. Blander was still single, and pouted a lot. Zem had moved in with him and was keeping his apartment squeaky clean, no small task. However, Zem had enormous success with women and Blander still had none.
Fluffy and Gangel were patrolling one night (the others had split off, presumably to make out or get pistachio ice cream) when Shiles came rushing up. Shiles and Henny Valander had gone to Vegas and gotten married. Shiles was all excited about something, which frightened Gangel and Fluffy very much. This probably meant that Shiles would make on of his very long and very boring speeches.
"Are you going to be freakishly boring now, Shiles dear?" Asked Fluffy as Gangel's hands began to shake wildly.
"Why, yes, Fluffy I am. How kind of you to ask," Shiles said. "Now, let me begin my tirade by saying that this is very bad. I cannot impress upon you enough how bad this is. It is a very terrible thing. I know we have faced apocalypses before, and narrowly averted them with Lawn's death, but you must not take lightly how bad and terrible this thing is." He went on in this manner for some time. Fluffy and Gangel leaned on each other and began to doze off.
They woke up several minutes later, and Shiles was still on the same subject. "Have I impressed upon you how very, very bad this is? Because it really truly is very, very bad."
"Yes, Shiles, bad. Now what is it that is so awful?!" Fluffy snapped.
"The oldest vampire, the Castor, is in Sunnydale trying to escape. He has many minions and will try to open the hell mouth when he comes out." Shiles told them.
"A vampire? All this fuss for a vampire? Honestly, Shiles, I'll kill it easily. I'm Fluffy, the Vampire Slayer, and I am invincible." Fluffy beamed.
Shiles sighed. Fluffy did not get how bad this was.
Just then, Ronnor ran up. He was very excited about something. Ronnor's social worker still had weekly visits with him and his family, including Fluffy. She thought it was great how Ronnor and his father went out at night on trips, and how Ronnor was best friends with his father's girlfriend.
There was great suspicion that Ronnor's social worker was border-line retarded.
"Fluffy, my social worker says that she'll stop visiting once a week if I pass a final test. I like her and all, but then we can be a normal, social- worker-less family. I have to write a semi-autobiographical play and put it on at the Sunnydale Auditorium. I've got it all planned, but I need you and the rest of the gang to star."
"Great!" said Fluffy. She'd always had a yen for acting, and had been the star of all the plays the neighborhood cats had put on back in LA, before she became a slayer and learned English.
Ronnor booked the Sunnydale Auditorium for his play. He called it "Best Friends. With Each other." The main characters were Jack and Diane (played by Ronnor and Fluffy), two best friends. Diane dated Jack's freakishly young-looking father, and she and Ronnor ran an exterminator business together. They had a weekend stall at the crafts market, where they sold memory quilts from ears, and at night they went out and killed things, and beat people up for pistachio ice cream.
Meanwhile, Fluffy and Gangel began a campaign against the Castor. Fluffy set up a booth on the street corner that said "Say No to Hell-Mouths and the Castor." She handed out anti-Castor buttons, bottles of holy water, stakes and crosses to people. She also had a variety of bumper stickers, sweatshirts, and flags which sold greatly. Chillow and Boz helped by displaying various Anti-Castor signs around their restaurant, which had quickly become the hottest place to eat in town. There were long waits to get in, and it had been given top marks by all the papers. Including, it seems, by the "Sun Times"'s Roger Ebert, who had deviated from his usual job as movie critic to try the new Demonic Sushi craze sweeping the nation. Lanya and Wike put an Anti-Castor pop-up add at the top of their website. Blander, who was frankly becoming very pathetic and fat, wore an Anti- Castor tee shirt to his support group, "Demons made me commitment-phobic," which met every Wednesday evening and had regular outings on the weekend. Zem added a small, "Anti-Castor" seal on the new line of vacuum's he'd invented, which were also best sellers. Shiles and Henny Valander did what they did best, which was research.
Ronnor's play got ready to air at the Sunnydale Auditorium. It was sold out. The playbill went something like this:
Jack, the dashing hero: Ronnor
Diane, his pretty friend: Fluffy
George, Jack's father and Diane's boyfriend: Gangel
Joe-Bob, a fat hick: Blander
Linda, an ex-demon: Lanya
Thurgood, a cleanly demon: Zem
Mike, a smart man: Shiles
Cindy, Mike's wife: Henny Valander
Chris, a vampire: Wike
Amy, an ex-gay witch: Chillow
Dan, a werewolf-cat: Boz
The play opened on a dark night, when Jack and Diane met Joe-Bob in a dark street. The theater was hushed and tense with anticipation, as this was the highlight of their decades. It was pretty sad, considering, but that's what happens when you live in a town with a death rate higher than its population.
"Hello, are you a demon?" Fluffy said, delivering her first line perfectly. She was a great actress, if she did say so herself.
"No." replied Blander, who had minimal lines. It had been discovered, when Ronnor tried to give him a larger part to make him feel better about himself, that Blander couldn't have memorized a fortune cookie. Fluffy's parents held up cue cards for him backstage.
"Well I'm Jack," said Ronnor gleefully.
"And I'm Diane," Fluffy said with enthusiasm.
"And we're best friends!" Ronnor finished, thrusting his arm.
"With each other?" Blander asked, bewildered. He was getting confused by all the bright lights.
"With each other," Fluffy and Ronnor said in unison, nodding and smiling.
The play went on in much this manner, until Jack and Diane staked the head vampire, played by a random vampire they'd found who had been promised he wouldn't really be slayed (they lied), and went to get some pistachio ice cream. There was a standing ovation, and people literally ripped off their ears to toss to the young stars. Ronnor was elated, as this would mean more quilts for his E-bay business.
"That was beautiful," said Ronnor's social worker, who was crying. "The love, the friendship, the carnage! I can see you must be very happy here, Rhonda dear." She put a big check mark on her clip board, which appeared to hold a coloring page of the circus. "And you looked so lovely in that yellow dress," she added to Gangel. Everyone tried to figure out what she was talking about, and why she had called Ronnor "Rhonda."
That was when a big, fat, Persian cat vampire walked through the door. "I am the Castor, king of the vampires, and I shall kill you all now! Then I'll open the hell mouth and rule the world."
"Doesn't he look like Mr. Tinkles from Cats and Dogs?" asked Blander, not really getting it. He'd been on depression medication since he'd tried to make out with the leader of his support group, who was both male, old and married, and it made him a little stupid.
Fortunately, everyone in the theater had received a cross, bottle of holy water, and Anti-Castor button upon entering the play. They became an angry mob, since the stars of the greatest play ever had told them this thing was bad, and began dousing him with holy water and poking him with the crosses. Eventually the undead members of the mob had to drop out due to cross fire, but they threw the holy water bottles left over from a safe distance.
The Castor eventually had so much holy water and cross burns that he exploded in a cloud of dust, leaving only his bones, which were strangely left behind. Ronnor gathered them, since he thought he could make something nice out of them.
After the angry mob had subsided its indignant yells of "how dare he, on their big night?" and "I won't stand for it!" a snappy looking cat approached Fluffy and Ronnor.
"I'm Chuffy, I'm from network television, and I think 'Best friends. With Each Other.' would make a great sitcom. We'd like you two to star, but other actors for everyone else. Because, frankly, I think that Blander is too stupid, even for TV."
"We can't leave Sunnydale," Fluffy said. "We have prior commitments here."
"Okay, we'll shoot in Sunnydale. It's the only place to find appropriate vampires and demons anyhow. We would like to make the other actors human, though, because acting cats who speak English are hard to find. I have some from Japan, and a few Venezuelans, but their English is terrible, since it's not their human's native language," Chuffy said.
"Whatever," said Fluffy. She was just happy to finally be an actress. Chuffy, Ronnor and Fluffy agreed that Fluffy and Ronnor would write the show, and then star in it. All in all it would be less work than English-as- a-second-language school, so there'd be plenty of time for slaying and ear memory quilts. Chuffy cast Sarah Jessica Parker as Lanya's character, Billy Bob Thornton as Blander's character, Winona Ryder as Chillow's character and Orlando Bloom as Wike's character, who would be a dashing womanizer on the show. It was predicted to be a hit, and the play it was based upon went straight to Broadway after receiving smash reviews, including one from Roger Ebert.
Chillow and Boz's restaurant continued to do very well, and people who liked good food and restaurants came from all over the world to sample it. Chillow and Boz put out those little "how was our service" cards, and everyone said that the food was wonderful, would Chillow please put out a cookbook, or place her sushi in grocery stores?
Lanya and Wike's website became the top rated site of its kind, which was impressive considering the amount of sites of that kind out there.
Henny Valander and Shiles began discussing children.
Gangel and Fluffy's relationship continued to blossom, as they were very much in love and the sex was good.
Blander and Zem were soon offered a show of their own, but only after Blander got off his medication when he and a girl in his support group began going out. Blander and Zem's show was like "The Odd Couple," only with a demon and a cat. It was also predicted to be a big success, especially by Ebert, who had apparently ditched his movie column to write exclusively about Fluffy and the gang's exploits.
The play was just that damn good.
Well, after the trouble with Chillow killing Quarran, Nonathan, and Mandrew, Fluffy and her friends were ready to settle down quietly for a while. Ronnor and Fluffy's parents had been mass-producing Connor's ear memory quilts, and since Ronnor had no place to put them he had been selling them on E-bay, and making a damn lot of money as well.
Chillow and Boz were back together. It was taking them a while to work things out, since Chillow had developed odd tastes while with Fara, but they were doing fairly well. Boz's band had broken up after Boz, embracing the inner werewolf-cat, had gone psycho on them and killed most of them. He would've tried to recruit new members (in Sunnydale it was oddly easy to get new employees or band members despite the mortality rates) but he had smashed the amplifiers and most of the other equipment including the instruments and didn't have money for replacements. Boz was poor, you see. So he and Chillow were now planning on opening a super-fast Japanese restaurant, which they were planning to call "The Demonic Sushi." Chillow had found some lovely recipes for sushi rolls containing demon meat, and this would be very cost efficient since Fluffy killed demons and all.
Fluffy and Gangel had been using their free time to progress their relationship (read: sleeping together, since cats have needs, too) and hanging out in general. They watched lots of VH-1: Behind the Music a lot, and also Muppet Treasure Island. Fluffy and Ronnor took a crafts class with Fluffy's parents, and Fluffy made a special wicker basket to hold their foil balls in, which came in handy during the boring bits of shows when they wanted to throw things at the screen. But then the crafts teacher ran out of lavender ribbon, which was Fluffy and her mother's favorite color, and so they all got together as a family and beat him up. The class was then discontinued as the teacher had to go to the emergency room. But, being Sunnydale, there were no assault charges.
Wike and Lanya had continued to live in Wike's crypt, and they had sex on a web-cam a lot. Lanya made a profitable website called "Wike and Lanya's crazy sex on a web-cam" which was very profitable. This made Lanya happy, as she liked money.
Zem was around a lot, and did much vacuuming and serving of hors d'ouvres. Flory was also still in touch, and was ruling with great tyranny over her hell-dimension. Everyone was increasingly proud of her success. Blander was still single, and pouted a lot. Zem had moved in with him and was keeping his apartment squeaky clean, no small task. However, Zem had enormous success with women and Blander still had none.
Fluffy and Gangel were patrolling one night (the others had split off, presumably to make out or get pistachio ice cream) when Shiles came rushing up. Shiles and Henny Valander had gone to Vegas and gotten married. Shiles was all excited about something, which frightened Gangel and Fluffy very much. This probably meant that Shiles would make on of his very long and very boring speeches.
"Are you going to be freakishly boring now, Shiles dear?" Asked Fluffy as Gangel's hands began to shake wildly.
"Why, yes, Fluffy I am. How kind of you to ask," Shiles said. "Now, let me begin my tirade by saying that this is very bad. I cannot impress upon you enough how bad this is. It is a very terrible thing. I know we have faced apocalypses before, and narrowly averted them with Lawn's death, but you must not take lightly how bad and terrible this thing is." He went on in this manner for some time. Fluffy and Gangel leaned on each other and began to doze off.
They woke up several minutes later, and Shiles was still on the same subject. "Have I impressed upon you how very, very bad this is? Because it really truly is very, very bad."
"Yes, Shiles, bad. Now what is it that is so awful?!" Fluffy snapped.
"The oldest vampire, the Castor, is in Sunnydale trying to escape. He has many minions and will try to open the hell mouth when he comes out." Shiles told them.
"A vampire? All this fuss for a vampire? Honestly, Shiles, I'll kill it easily. I'm Fluffy, the Vampire Slayer, and I am invincible." Fluffy beamed.
Shiles sighed. Fluffy did not get how bad this was.
Just then, Ronnor ran up. He was very excited about something. Ronnor's social worker still had weekly visits with him and his family, including Fluffy. She thought it was great how Ronnor and his father went out at night on trips, and how Ronnor was best friends with his father's girlfriend.
There was great suspicion that Ronnor's social worker was border-line retarded.
"Fluffy, my social worker says that she'll stop visiting once a week if I pass a final test. I like her and all, but then we can be a normal, social- worker-less family. I have to write a semi-autobiographical play and put it on at the Sunnydale Auditorium. I've got it all planned, but I need you and the rest of the gang to star."
"Great!" said Fluffy. She'd always had a yen for acting, and had been the star of all the plays the neighborhood cats had put on back in LA, before she became a slayer and learned English.
Ronnor booked the Sunnydale Auditorium for his play. He called it "Best Friends. With Each other." The main characters were Jack and Diane (played by Ronnor and Fluffy), two best friends. Diane dated Jack's freakishly young-looking father, and she and Ronnor ran an exterminator business together. They had a weekend stall at the crafts market, where they sold memory quilts from ears, and at night they went out and killed things, and beat people up for pistachio ice cream.
Meanwhile, Fluffy and Gangel began a campaign against the Castor. Fluffy set up a booth on the street corner that said "Say No to Hell-Mouths and the Castor." She handed out anti-Castor buttons, bottles of holy water, stakes and crosses to people. She also had a variety of bumper stickers, sweatshirts, and flags which sold greatly. Chillow and Boz helped by displaying various Anti-Castor signs around their restaurant, which had quickly become the hottest place to eat in town. There were long waits to get in, and it had been given top marks by all the papers. Including, it seems, by the "Sun Times"'s Roger Ebert, who had deviated from his usual job as movie critic to try the new Demonic Sushi craze sweeping the nation. Lanya and Wike put an Anti-Castor pop-up add at the top of their website. Blander, who was frankly becoming very pathetic and fat, wore an Anti- Castor tee shirt to his support group, "Demons made me commitment-phobic," which met every Wednesday evening and had regular outings on the weekend. Zem added a small, "Anti-Castor" seal on the new line of vacuum's he'd invented, which were also best sellers. Shiles and Henny Valander did what they did best, which was research.
Ronnor's play got ready to air at the Sunnydale Auditorium. It was sold out. The playbill went something like this:
Jack, the dashing hero: Ronnor
Diane, his pretty friend: Fluffy
George, Jack's father and Diane's boyfriend: Gangel
Joe-Bob, a fat hick: Blander
Linda, an ex-demon: Lanya
Thurgood, a cleanly demon: Zem
Mike, a smart man: Shiles
Cindy, Mike's wife: Henny Valander
Chris, a vampire: Wike
Amy, an ex-gay witch: Chillow
Dan, a werewolf-cat: Boz
The play opened on a dark night, when Jack and Diane met Joe-Bob in a dark street. The theater was hushed and tense with anticipation, as this was the highlight of their decades. It was pretty sad, considering, but that's what happens when you live in a town with a death rate higher than its population.
"Hello, are you a demon?" Fluffy said, delivering her first line perfectly. She was a great actress, if she did say so herself.
"No." replied Blander, who had minimal lines. It had been discovered, when Ronnor tried to give him a larger part to make him feel better about himself, that Blander couldn't have memorized a fortune cookie. Fluffy's parents held up cue cards for him backstage.
"Well I'm Jack," said Ronnor gleefully.
"And I'm Diane," Fluffy said with enthusiasm.
"And we're best friends!" Ronnor finished, thrusting his arm.
"With each other?" Blander asked, bewildered. He was getting confused by all the bright lights.
"With each other," Fluffy and Ronnor said in unison, nodding and smiling.
The play went on in much this manner, until Jack and Diane staked the head vampire, played by a random vampire they'd found who had been promised he wouldn't really be slayed (they lied), and went to get some pistachio ice cream. There was a standing ovation, and people literally ripped off their ears to toss to the young stars. Ronnor was elated, as this would mean more quilts for his E-bay business.
"That was beautiful," said Ronnor's social worker, who was crying. "The love, the friendship, the carnage! I can see you must be very happy here, Rhonda dear." She put a big check mark on her clip board, which appeared to hold a coloring page of the circus. "And you looked so lovely in that yellow dress," she added to Gangel. Everyone tried to figure out what she was talking about, and why she had called Ronnor "Rhonda."
That was when a big, fat, Persian cat vampire walked through the door. "I am the Castor, king of the vampires, and I shall kill you all now! Then I'll open the hell mouth and rule the world."
"Doesn't he look like Mr. Tinkles from Cats and Dogs?" asked Blander, not really getting it. He'd been on depression medication since he'd tried to make out with the leader of his support group, who was both male, old and married, and it made him a little stupid.
Fortunately, everyone in the theater had received a cross, bottle of holy water, and Anti-Castor button upon entering the play. They became an angry mob, since the stars of the greatest play ever had told them this thing was bad, and began dousing him with holy water and poking him with the crosses. Eventually the undead members of the mob had to drop out due to cross fire, but they threw the holy water bottles left over from a safe distance.
The Castor eventually had so much holy water and cross burns that he exploded in a cloud of dust, leaving only his bones, which were strangely left behind. Ronnor gathered them, since he thought he could make something nice out of them.
After the angry mob had subsided its indignant yells of "how dare he, on their big night?" and "I won't stand for it!" a snappy looking cat approached Fluffy and Ronnor.
"I'm Chuffy, I'm from network television, and I think 'Best friends. With Each Other.' would make a great sitcom. We'd like you two to star, but other actors for everyone else. Because, frankly, I think that Blander is too stupid, even for TV."
"We can't leave Sunnydale," Fluffy said. "We have prior commitments here."
"Okay, we'll shoot in Sunnydale. It's the only place to find appropriate vampires and demons anyhow. We would like to make the other actors human, though, because acting cats who speak English are hard to find. I have some from Japan, and a few Venezuelans, but their English is terrible, since it's not their human's native language," Chuffy said.
"Whatever," said Fluffy. She was just happy to finally be an actress. Chuffy, Ronnor and Fluffy agreed that Fluffy and Ronnor would write the show, and then star in it. All in all it would be less work than English-as- a-second-language school, so there'd be plenty of time for slaying and ear memory quilts. Chuffy cast Sarah Jessica Parker as Lanya's character, Billy Bob Thornton as Blander's character, Winona Ryder as Chillow's character and Orlando Bloom as Wike's character, who would be a dashing womanizer on the show. It was predicted to be a hit, and the play it was based upon went straight to Broadway after receiving smash reviews, including one from Roger Ebert.
Chillow and Boz's restaurant continued to do very well, and people who liked good food and restaurants came from all over the world to sample it. Chillow and Boz put out those little "how was our service" cards, and everyone said that the food was wonderful, would Chillow please put out a cookbook, or place her sushi in grocery stores?
Lanya and Wike's website became the top rated site of its kind, which was impressive considering the amount of sites of that kind out there.
Henny Valander and Shiles began discussing children.
Gangel and Fluffy's relationship continued to blossom, as they were very much in love and the sex was good.
Blander and Zem were soon offered a show of their own, but only after Blander got off his medication when he and a girl in his support group began going out. Blander and Zem's show was like "The Odd Couple," only with a demon and a cat. It was also predicted to be a big success, especially by Ebert, who had apparently ditched his movie column to write exclusively about Fluffy and the gang's exploits.
The play was just that damn good.