Jesse phased down through each level of sanctuary, only pausing long enough to offer the occasional small respite to his overtaxed respiratory system, until he reached his childhood haven: an unfinished tunnel far below Sanctuary's lowest level.
He rematerialized, stumbling slightly with exhaustion. He closed his eyes and leaned wearily forward, crossing his arms over his chest and resting his forehead on the rough, stone wall. He had found the tunnel while exploring the outside of the mountain shortly after being brought to Sanctuary. Until now, he'd always accessed the tunnel from the outside, he'd never attempted to phase through the fifteen or so feet of solid rock that separated it from Sanctuary.
"I remember the first time I found you down here."
Jesse froze at the sound of Shalimar's voice coming from behind him.
"It was, what, about five days after Adam brought you to Sanctuary? Man, he was so worried when you just disappeared like that. He was ready to call in all of his contacts to help search for you."
Jesse didn't respond, didn't move. He heard a soft click and the small area around him was bathed in the warm glow of a flashlight.
"It took a lot to convince Adam to back off and let me try to find you, but he finally agreed. In less than half an hour I'd tracked you here. Call in woman's intuition or feral instincts; I just seemed to know exactly where to go. As I recall, you'd forgotten to bring a flashlight that time as well."
Despite himself, Jesse allowed a small smile to tug at the corners of his mouth.
"That was the night you told me about it."
Jesse tensed again. "Shalimar..."
"You'd had some horrible nightmare and your screams woke Adam and me. We arrived at your room just in time to see you phase through the floor. By the time we got down the stairs, you'd already hacked into the security system and made your escape. When I found you, your emotions were so close to the surface, so raw, that I could almost smell the fear and anger - just like I can right now."
Still facing the wall, Jesse brought both hands up and laced his fingers behind his head. "Please, don't," he pleaded softly.
Shalimar continued. "You told me all about Daniel and how he died. You told me how your family had thrown money at all the right people to prevent an investigation from digging too deep, and then your father had sent you to Adam, claiming that you just needed a little help learning to use your powers properly. Even with all of his contacts, Adam couldn't dig up anything. He didn't have a clue about the secret you hid. He didn't know about the guilt."
"Stop it!" Jesse managed only a small fraction of the forcefulness he'd intended to put into the words. Shalimar was so close with both her physical presence and her words. He knew what would come next.
"It was an accident, Jesse, a terrible accident."
"Don't you think I know that?!" Jesse spun around and slammed a massed fist into the stone wall behind Shalimar, mere inches from the feral's head.
She flinched slightly but held her ground. "After ten years you thought you'd learned to live with everything; your father's disappointment in you, the cruelty of those boys, and even the fact that you'd accidentally killed your friend. Then Emma came along and in a split-second, everything was back."
Standing nose to nose with Shalimar, Jesse captured and held her eyes with his own.
"She didn't have the luxury of time, Jesse. Emma was forced to make the best decision possible based on the amount of time she had and her knowledge of the situation. No, it wasn't a good decision as far as you were concerned, but she didn't know it at the time. You have to understand that she would never do anything to intentionally harm you. None of us would."
Jesse lowered his head and sighed. "I know that."
"Then talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." Suddenly, Jesse seemed to lose the ability to stand. Shalimar lowered herself with him, guiding their descent to the ground and situating them so Jesse sat in front with his back towards her. She wrapped her arms around him, rested her chin on his shoulder, and whispered into his ear. "Tell me."
"Over the years, I've built everything up in my mind. Being buried alive has become my greatest physical fear, losing control of my powers has become my greatest emotional fear, and being called a freak..."
Shalimar nodded against his shoulder, indicating that he didn't need to explain that particular fear.
"And the guilt..." An involuntary shiver coursed through Jesse's body and Shalimar adjusted her arms around him to hold him even tighter. "After all these years, I thought I'd worked through the guilt, but then yesterday, in Kovakhstan, Emma used her powers and the memory became so vivid."
"You realized that the guilt never goes away entirely." Emma stepped out of the shadows and situated herself on the cold stone floor in front of her friends.
Jesse stiffened in Shalimar's arms and, despite the fact that her conscious mind told her there was no danger, Shalimar felt her protective instincts kicking in. She was finally able to calm herself when she felt Jesse relax against her.
Jesse locked eyes onto Emma. "Are you playing around up here again?" he asked, half teasing, half accusing as he tapped the side of his head.
"I didn't need to. I was able to find you because I knew Shalimar would be with you. Her feral emotions are always strong, but now...let's just say that they're pretty hard to ignore."
Shalimar didn't know whether or not to feel insulted but she decided to ignore the comment. Emma and Jesse could say anything they wanted, about or to her, as long as they didn't ask her to leave them alone.
"As far as knowing about the guilt," she continued, leaning forward and taking one of his hands in her own. "I understand it because I feel the same way. I hurt you, Jesse. It may have been unintentional, but it happened. I still don't know if I could have done something else that would have been as effective against the rebels, but what I do know is that I never took the time to consider what my actions might have done to you. I assumed that what little I knew about your past was all there was to know. You said it yourself just a short time ago. It was you I was dealing with. What horrible secrets could you possibly have? I assumed that you were safe. I was wrong and you paid the price. I'm so sorry, Jesse. Can you ever forgive me?"
The silence was deafening and what Emma saw in Jesse's eyes frightened her. He looked like he had the worst possible news and he was searching for the most painful way to deliver it. Emma held her breath, telling herself to stay and listen to whatever Jesse had to say to her. It was the least he deserved.
Finally, after an indeterminate amount of time, Jesse spoke. "Your psionic blast forced me to confront my worst memories and fears all at once and I-I froze. I'm sorry."
"No, Jesse, you don't have anything..."
Jesse held up a hand to halt Emma's words. "No, hear me out. I'm sorry that I froze and thank-you, Emma. Thank you for doing what was necessary to keep me going." He scooted forward, out of Shalimar's embrace. "Shal, could you give us some time alone?"
Shalimar sighed, realizing that it was inevitable that she would be asked to leave sooner or later. She kissed Jesse on the forehead, offered a forgiving, encouraging smile to Emma, and then stood and began to make her way out of the tunnel, never once feeling the need to look back to check on the man who'd become such an integral part of her life.
As soon as he was convinced that they were alone, Jesse turned to Emma. "You've changed." His voice was quiet and controlled and the words were spoken as if he were stating a fact. There were no accusatory tones.
Emma waited through another long pause, curious about what that statement meant, yet not wanting to push. He detangled his hand from hers and she felt a coldness settle in her fingers. She ached for the return of that simple contact.
Jesse scooted back against the wall. With a simple 'come here' gesture of his hands, he indicated that he wanted Emma to sit in front of him, mimicking the pose he and Shalimar had been in only moments before. She readily complied and Jesse wrapped his arms around her lean form.
"How have I changed?" Emma ventured to ask.
"Well, I think the recent mutant growth spurt is kind of obvious, but it's more than that."
"What do you mean?" Emma asked, genuinely curious.
"You've become more confident. You're no longer the damsel in distress that we rescued over a year ago. You're not afraid to join in the fight and you give it everything you've got. You're more courageous than I would have ever thought, but you're also more devious."
Emma stiffened. "Devious?"
"You haven't told Adam everything about your mutation, have you? You're a lot more powerful than you'd lead us all to believe."
"No! I..."
"You can't fool me anymore, Emma. I've had first-hand experience with your powers three times over the last 24 hours. Don't worry, you can tell me. I think I've proven that I'm pretty good at keeping secrets."
Emma sighed in resignation and leaned into Jesse's warm embrace. "My powers keep evolving. I keep getting stronger. I'm afraid that it's only going to be a matter of time before it corrupts me like it did Ashlocke."
Jesse held Emma as she slowly and painfully revealed her secrets and fears to him. After the last word had been said and the last tear had been wiped away, the two sat in companionable silence for several long minutes before Emma finally spoke. "Jesse, tell me about Daniel."
Emma could feel the waves of sorrow and guilt crashing over her friend, but instead of pulling away, Jesse held her tightly against his chest, kissed her cheek, and began his story. "When I was fifteen, I transferred to the Windmore School for Boys..."
~*~ The End ~*~
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
A/N: For those of you who have read (or will read) Adalanta's fic 'The Thoughts Left Behind', I'd just like to tell you that, while there is a scene that exists in both stories, it is only a coincidence. We both happen to be inspired by the same scene in an MX episode. As soon as I read the second chapter of Adalanta's fic, I sent her an e-mail explaining that I had already plotted out the scene for my fic. So, don't worry, she knows all about it and, in fact, encouraged me to use it. *grin* Thanks Adalanta!!!
:-) HUGE thank you to all of you who have left reviews or contacted me privately. Your kind words have meant the world to me and I hope this fic has lived up to your expectations. :-)
He rematerialized, stumbling slightly with exhaustion. He closed his eyes and leaned wearily forward, crossing his arms over his chest and resting his forehead on the rough, stone wall. He had found the tunnel while exploring the outside of the mountain shortly after being brought to Sanctuary. Until now, he'd always accessed the tunnel from the outside, he'd never attempted to phase through the fifteen or so feet of solid rock that separated it from Sanctuary.
"I remember the first time I found you down here."
Jesse froze at the sound of Shalimar's voice coming from behind him.
"It was, what, about five days after Adam brought you to Sanctuary? Man, he was so worried when you just disappeared like that. He was ready to call in all of his contacts to help search for you."
Jesse didn't respond, didn't move. He heard a soft click and the small area around him was bathed in the warm glow of a flashlight.
"It took a lot to convince Adam to back off and let me try to find you, but he finally agreed. In less than half an hour I'd tracked you here. Call in woman's intuition or feral instincts; I just seemed to know exactly where to go. As I recall, you'd forgotten to bring a flashlight that time as well."
Despite himself, Jesse allowed a small smile to tug at the corners of his mouth.
"That was the night you told me about it."
Jesse tensed again. "Shalimar..."
"You'd had some horrible nightmare and your screams woke Adam and me. We arrived at your room just in time to see you phase through the floor. By the time we got down the stairs, you'd already hacked into the security system and made your escape. When I found you, your emotions were so close to the surface, so raw, that I could almost smell the fear and anger - just like I can right now."
Still facing the wall, Jesse brought both hands up and laced his fingers behind his head. "Please, don't," he pleaded softly.
Shalimar continued. "You told me all about Daniel and how he died. You told me how your family had thrown money at all the right people to prevent an investigation from digging too deep, and then your father had sent you to Adam, claiming that you just needed a little help learning to use your powers properly. Even with all of his contacts, Adam couldn't dig up anything. He didn't have a clue about the secret you hid. He didn't know about the guilt."
"Stop it!" Jesse managed only a small fraction of the forcefulness he'd intended to put into the words. Shalimar was so close with both her physical presence and her words. He knew what would come next.
"It was an accident, Jesse, a terrible accident."
"Don't you think I know that?!" Jesse spun around and slammed a massed fist into the stone wall behind Shalimar, mere inches from the feral's head.
She flinched slightly but held her ground. "After ten years you thought you'd learned to live with everything; your father's disappointment in you, the cruelty of those boys, and even the fact that you'd accidentally killed your friend. Then Emma came along and in a split-second, everything was back."
Standing nose to nose with Shalimar, Jesse captured and held her eyes with his own.
"She didn't have the luxury of time, Jesse. Emma was forced to make the best decision possible based on the amount of time she had and her knowledge of the situation. No, it wasn't a good decision as far as you were concerned, but she didn't know it at the time. You have to understand that she would never do anything to intentionally harm you. None of us would."
Jesse lowered his head and sighed. "I know that."
"Then talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." Suddenly, Jesse seemed to lose the ability to stand. Shalimar lowered herself with him, guiding their descent to the ground and situating them so Jesse sat in front with his back towards her. She wrapped her arms around him, rested her chin on his shoulder, and whispered into his ear. "Tell me."
"Over the years, I've built everything up in my mind. Being buried alive has become my greatest physical fear, losing control of my powers has become my greatest emotional fear, and being called a freak..."
Shalimar nodded against his shoulder, indicating that he didn't need to explain that particular fear.
"And the guilt..." An involuntary shiver coursed through Jesse's body and Shalimar adjusted her arms around him to hold him even tighter. "After all these years, I thought I'd worked through the guilt, but then yesterday, in Kovakhstan, Emma used her powers and the memory became so vivid."
"You realized that the guilt never goes away entirely." Emma stepped out of the shadows and situated herself on the cold stone floor in front of her friends.
Jesse stiffened in Shalimar's arms and, despite the fact that her conscious mind told her there was no danger, Shalimar felt her protective instincts kicking in. She was finally able to calm herself when she felt Jesse relax against her.
Jesse locked eyes onto Emma. "Are you playing around up here again?" he asked, half teasing, half accusing as he tapped the side of his head.
"I didn't need to. I was able to find you because I knew Shalimar would be with you. Her feral emotions are always strong, but now...let's just say that they're pretty hard to ignore."
Shalimar didn't know whether or not to feel insulted but she decided to ignore the comment. Emma and Jesse could say anything they wanted, about or to her, as long as they didn't ask her to leave them alone.
"As far as knowing about the guilt," she continued, leaning forward and taking one of his hands in her own. "I understand it because I feel the same way. I hurt you, Jesse. It may have been unintentional, but it happened. I still don't know if I could have done something else that would have been as effective against the rebels, but what I do know is that I never took the time to consider what my actions might have done to you. I assumed that what little I knew about your past was all there was to know. You said it yourself just a short time ago. It was you I was dealing with. What horrible secrets could you possibly have? I assumed that you were safe. I was wrong and you paid the price. I'm so sorry, Jesse. Can you ever forgive me?"
The silence was deafening and what Emma saw in Jesse's eyes frightened her. He looked like he had the worst possible news and he was searching for the most painful way to deliver it. Emma held her breath, telling herself to stay and listen to whatever Jesse had to say to her. It was the least he deserved.
Finally, after an indeterminate amount of time, Jesse spoke. "Your psionic blast forced me to confront my worst memories and fears all at once and I-I froze. I'm sorry."
"No, Jesse, you don't have anything..."
Jesse held up a hand to halt Emma's words. "No, hear me out. I'm sorry that I froze and thank-you, Emma. Thank you for doing what was necessary to keep me going." He scooted forward, out of Shalimar's embrace. "Shal, could you give us some time alone?"
Shalimar sighed, realizing that it was inevitable that she would be asked to leave sooner or later. She kissed Jesse on the forehead, offered a forgiving, encouraging smile to Emma, and then stood and began to make her way out of the tunnel, never once feeling the need to look back to check on the man who'd become such an integral part of her life.
As soon as he was convinced that they were alone, Jesse turned to Emma. "You've changed." His voice was quiet and controlled and the words were spoken as if he were stating a fact. There were no accusatory tones.
Emma waited through another long pause, curious about what that statement meant, yet not wanting to push. He detangled his hand from hers and she felt a coldness settle in her fingers. She ached for the return of that simple contact.
Jesse scooted back against the wall. With a simple 'come here' gesture of his hands, he indicated that he wanted Emma to sit in front of him, mimicking the pose he and Shalimar had been in only moments before. She readily complied and Jesse wrapped his arms around her lean form.
"How have I changed?" Emma ventured to ask.
"Well, I think the recent mutant growth spurt is kind of obvious, but it's more than that."
"What do you mean?" Emma asked, genuinely curious.
"You've become more confident. You're no longer the damsel in distress that we rescued over a year ago. You're not afraid to join in the fight and you give it everything you've got. You're more courageous than I would have ever thought, but you're also more devious."
Emma stiffened. "Devious?"
"You haven't told Adam everything about your mutation, have you? You're a lot more powerful than you'd lead us all to believe."
"No! I..."
"You can't fool me anymore, Emma. I've had first-hand experience with your powers three times over the last 24 hours. Don't worry, you can tell me. I think I've proven that I'm pretty good at keeping secrets."
Emma sighed in resignation and leaned into Jesse's warm embrace. "My powers keep evolving. I keep getting stronger. I'm afraid that it's only going to be a matter of time before it corrupts me like it did Ashlocke."
Jesse held Emma as she slowly and painfully revealed her secrets and fears to him. After the last word had been said and the last tear had been wiped away, the two sat in companionable silence for several long minutes before Emma finally spoke. "Jesse, tell me about Daniel."
Emma could feel the waves of sorrow and guilt crashing over her friend, but instead of pulling away, Jesse held her tightly against his chest, kissed her cheek, and began his story. "When I was fifteen, I transferred to the Windmore School for Boys..."
~*~ The End ~*~
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
A/N: For those of you who have read (or will read) Adalanta's fic 'The Thoughts Left Behind', I'd just like to tell you that, while there is a scene that exists in both stories, it is only a coincidence. We both happen to be inspired by the same scene in an MX episode. As soon as I read the second chapter of Adalanta's fic, I sent her an e-mail explaining that I had already plotted out the scene for my fic. So, don't worry, she knows all about it and, in fact, encouraged me to use it. *grin* Thanks Adalanta!!!
:-) HUGE thank you to all of you who have left reviews or contacted me privately. Your kind words have meant the world to me and I hope this fic has lived up to your expectations. :-)