A/N: So I thought this chapter was shitty, and I got Kit-The-Cat to read it so she could point out the crappest parts, and she read it and bloody told me my spelling mistakes. That was so no help at all. Okay, a little. But come on. But she's adamant it's fine so if you guys don't like it BLAME KIT!
A/N: Thanks Kit!
Psychosis
I gently hum an old tune as I rock back and forth. Behind me is the bustle of Paige and Phoebe and a man talking frantically about something which if I bothered to tune in, I might care about too. But all I can think about is Prue. She dominates my thoughts, with her shiny black hair and gold bordering mist. The golden colour around her face was like a halo. She looked more like an angel that Leo ever does. Leo, that's who Paige and Phoebe are with now.
Little things I forget. Well, they seem little until I remember them then realise they're actually really very important. Like people's names. Not just anybody, like the neighbour or a third cousin thrice removed; but important people, like my sisters, like my husband.
I hate myself.
Phoebe comes up behind me and places a hand on my head, which travels down my cheek as she walks past and sits down beside me, twisting her body on the couch so she's facing me. "We have to talk," she tells me. "Do you think you're up for it?"
Nodding slowly, I try to smile but I can't. My face remains as expressionless as ever. Paige perches on the edge of the coffee table but her eyes are looking over my head. Then I feel a palm pressed into the back of my neck and I get scared. If Paige and Phoebe is sitting in front of me, then who is touching me? Paige looks afraid as she watches at the demon behind me, and I feel my back stiffen and go rigid in my fear. Thinking quickly, I flick out my hands, intending on freezing the room so I can secure myself and my sisters' safety. But the hand continues to move, massaging me slightly, kneading into my neck and spreading onto my shoulders. I try to activate my power again; no luck.
"Piper, what're you doing?" Paige is narrowing her eyes at me.
Ignoring her, I leap up, twist around and aim a punch at my assailant. Instead he catches my shaking fist easily in his hand. "It's me Piper," he intones, his face looking hurt. And of course, it's Leo. And of course, the Power of Three is broken.
"Watch out," Phoebe cries and before I know it, my sisters are upon me, wrestling me to the ground and pinning me down, my arms above my heads. Terrified that this isn't a dream; that this is really happening, I begin to writhe my body around, screaming, coarsely yelling at them to get off me, but they pay no heed. Don't they trust me anymore?
Phoebe's face appears in my vision, and I feel the weight of somebody climbing onto my stomach in order to hold me down better - I must be too strong for them. I buck my hips upwards, trying to dislodge Paige from her overpowering seat, but she clings on. Phoebe grabs my face and forces me to look at her. "Piper!" she cries, her voice brimming with desperation. "Piper, calm down! It's us!"
"I know!" I shout, my face contorted with rage. "What the hell are you attacking me for?" Once again I lash out, managing to free my right hand which I use to throw a punch at Paige's leg, striking her with all my might. It does nothing to get rid of her though. If anything, she sits heavier on my stomach, her knees digging into the tender spots at my sides causing me to release grip on her leg and try to stop moving; pleading silently for her to stop.
Finally I come to a rest, breathing quickly and trying to calm myself but failing. My chest bobs sharply, the sound of my breath quick and erratic. Sweat makes my face and body feel sticky and rough, but I remain still. It feels like Paige is jamming knives into my sides.
How do I make them stop? I lean back, baring my teeth and squeezing shut my eyes, trying to defeat the pain using my stupid mind. "I thought he was a demon," I splutter, "But he's not. I made a mistake, okay?" Instantly Paige's grip on me relaxes and I open my eyes to see she and Phoebe share a dubious look. "I'm telling the truth!" I cry in a pleading voice.
After what feels like half an hour of silent exchanges with each other, Phoebe lets go of my arms while Paige clambers back off. It feels like I'm floating through the air, weightless. Grabbing a hand each, my sisters haul me to my feet and gently throw me onto the couch. Leo has long gone. It doesn't surprise me that he didn't stay. Although I don't notice much these days, I have certainly noticed his longer and more frequent absences. He is distancing himself, as I have. Except my way proved to be a lot more extreme.
This time Paige sits beside me, placing a rough hand on my forearm, and Phoebe seats herself on the coffee table facing me. They both look as grim as Death himself. Herself. Itself. I can't remember. Prue would've known.
"I knew it was Leo," I say huffily.
"Can't be too sure," Phoebe mutters. "It's happened before."
Rolling my eyes in annoyance, I turn to Paige. "Why did you leave? What do you think you're playing at?"
"Now I'm getting hassle from you?" Paige moans. "It just feels like all this is happening too soon. I can't handle living here - I need my own space."
"But you moved out this morning and two hours later you're back already, don't you think that means something?" I say with an angry frown. Rather than reply, Paige hastily looks at Phoebe who looks just as strangely confused as she does. Then slowly, they both direct their attention to me. I stare back at them. "What?"
They both look at me as if in a new light. What is it they're searching for? What's different that they have to stare? It disconcerts me and it hurts me and it throws me off-balance and it's weird.
Not that they matter anymore; something's come up that's far more disconcerting and weird. For the second time today, I'm seeing my dead sister and it feels like it's real. But I know better this time than to mention it; I'm almost positive my sisters on this side of the 'great divide' won't be able to see her. This makes me question myself. If I'm the only one who can see her, is she really there?
She's standing in the kitchen entrance, leaning against the border and playing with the bottom of her black vest top. She's silent and she's weak. I need to help her. I need to go to her. About her there is a sense of urgence which I can practically feel resonating from her paling skin unto my own. Slowly, she purses her lips and rolls her eyes upwards coupled with a short nod of the head, wanting me to excuse myself. But how can I? Paige and Phoebe will follow me, I know they will.
In their care they're drowning me.
Where has all this consciousness suddenly come from? Two days ago I couldn't tell a dream from reality without getting pinched but now it's almost like I'm normal, except that I'm half asleep most of the time. That's what it feels like - I'm asleep but I'm aware. As if I was drunk and its the morning after and I'm trying to remember the previous night through the haze and fog.
It's not enough, I need to think clearly. Suddenly my vision blurs into a jumble of colours and bulky shapes. No. No! I was so close! I was so close to being okay again! I... I...
There's pain to my thigh, like something hit it and hit it hard. It takes a few moments for me to register that the floor most certainly did not hit me - in this case I was the assailant. Hot tears flow down my sticky cheeks as I wail at the unfairness of this!
Not even knowing what's happening to me, I feel sudden sharp pain - like somebody has reached inside me and closed their fist around my heart and is squeezing it. Oh god it hurts! I can't breathe in, the pain! A thousand knives bluntly stabbing into my chest, a bandage wrapped around me again and again so tightly I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't... I can't see Prue anymore, I can't see at all!
What's happening to me? Am I dying? Am I having a heart attack? Whenever I morbidly imagined how it would feel, it mirrored the pain I feel now. The shock, suddenness, terror, agony.
Maybe I should just give up. Do I not deserve a little peace?
Over the roaring of a tempestuous ocean in my ears, I hear them scream. I know not what, I know not why. Perhaps it's cries of horror, of pain, of agonising uselessness, foreboding pity. Or maybe they think it's too much also; maybe they're shouting "Just go with it Piper! Let it wash over you, let it take you, go with Prue. Go and be with Prue."
I don't know which I'd rather they say.
Because I don't want to hurt them but I want to be with Prue.
Yes, the pain has gone. But I'm all too familiar with this scene. I'd laugh if I could, that I know what's happening, that it hurts to have the knowledge that at present my body is unconscious but my mind is not. Here's a thought - maybe I did die! I don't know what death feels like and this could be it. Prue would know.
She always knows.
*
Well, it wasn't a heart attack.
Apparently it was a panic attack. Well, whatever it was, it certainly was an attack. It felt like a heart attack. After all, my heart was being attacked, wasn't it? I didn't imagine all that pain, all that agonising writhing, all that terror. What must I have looked like, on the floor, flailing like a complete fool. Why do they still put up with me? I'm about as useful as a house plant. Perhaps a cactus. Because they have thorns and prickly parts, and I seem to hurt a lot of people who I come into contact with.
Yes, I'll start my new life as a cactus.
No wait, I don't want to hurt people anymore. I should be something less offensive. Like a... a dandelion or something. Dandelion. Ha! That's amusing. I understand where the 'lion' part of the name comes from, what with those yellow petals reaching out in that perfect circle, but 'dande'? Maybe it's an alternative spelling of 'dandy' which means good. "Hey, doesn't that flower look like a lion?" "Yep, it sure is dandy." That could be how it got named.
Dandelion it is. I'll start my new life as a dandy lion. Hear me roar and think me magnificent. For I am a lion, and a dandy one at that.
Why the hell am I harping on flowers? Don't I have anything better to think about?
In this empty time and place I think about the lonely face watching me from through the space throw tender kisses and who I chase where to thy ground I shall lay waste to all things good and all things chaste and in this time and in this place lay down beside my woeful face and think of how thy body's grace is shriveled and ugly and such a waste.
A/N: Thanks Kit!
Psychosis
I gently hum an old tune as I rock back and forth. Behind me is the bustle of Paige and Phoebe and a man talking frantically about something which if I bothered to tune in, I might care about too. But all I can think about is Prue. She dominates my thoughts, with her shiny black hair and gold bordering mist. The golden colour around her face was like a halo. She looked more like an angel that Leo ever does. Leo, that's who Paige and Phoebe are with now.
Little things I forget. Well, they seem little until I remember them then realise they're actually really very important. Like people's names. Not just anybody, like the neighbour or a third cousin thrice removed; but important people, like my sisters, like my husband.
I hate myself.
Phoebe comes up behind me and places a hand on my head, which travels down my cheek as she walks past and sits down beside me, twisting her body on the couch so she's facing me. "We have to talk," she tells me. "Do you think you're up for it?"
Nodding slowly, I try to smile but I can't. My face remains as expressionless as ever. Paige perches on the edge of the coffee table but her eyes are looking over my head. Then I feel a palm pressed into the back of my neck and I get scared. If Paige and Phoebe is sitting in front of me, then who is touching me? Paige looks afraid as she watches at the demon behind me, and I feel my back stiffen and go rigid in my fear. Thinking quickly, I flick out my hands, intending on freezing the room so I can secure myself and my sisters' safety. But the hand continues to move, massaging me slightly, kneading into my neck and spreading onto my shoulders. I try to activate my power again; no luck.
"Piper, what're you doing?" Paige is narrowing her eyes at me.
Ignoring her, I leap up, twist around and aim a punch at my assailant. Instead he catches my shaking fist easily in his hand. "It's me Piper," he intones, his face looking hurt. And of course, it's Leo. And of course, the Power of Three is broken.
"Watch out," Phoebe cries and before I know it, my sisters are upon me, wrestling me to the ground and pinning me down, my arms above my heads. Terrified that this isn't a dream; that this is really happening, I begin to writhe my body around, screaming, coarsely yelling at them to get off me, but they pay no heed. Don't they trust me anymore?
Phoebe's face appears in my vision, and I feel the weight of somebody climbing onto my stomach in order to hold me down better - I must be too strong for them. I buck my hips upwards, trying to dislodge Paige from her overpowering seat, but she clings on. Phoebe grabs my face and forces me to look at her. "Piper!" she cries, her voice brimming with desperation. "Piper, calm down! It's us!"
"I know!" I shout, my face contorted with rage. "What the hell are you attacking me for?" Once again I lash out, managing to free my right hand which I use to throw a punch at Paige's leg, striking her with all my might. It does nothing to get rid of her though. If anything, she sits heavier on my stomach, her knees digging into the tender spots at my sides causing me to release grip on her leg and try to stop moving; pleading silently for her to stop.
Finally I come to a rest, breathing quickly and trying to calm myself but failing. My chest bobs sharply, the sound of my breath quick and erratic. Sweat makes my face and body feel sticky and rough, but I remain still. It feels like Paige is jamming knives into my sides.
How do I make them stop? I lean back, baring my teeth and squeezing shut my eyes, trying to defeat the pain using my stupid mind. "I thought he was a demon," I splutter, "But he's not. I made a mistake, okay?" Instantly Paige's grip on me relaxes and I open my eyes to see she and Phoebe share a dubious look. "I'm telling the truth!" I cry in a pleading voice.
After what feels like half an hour of silent exchanges with each other, Phoebe lets go of my arms while Paige clambers back off. It feels like I'm floating through the air, weightless. Grabbing a hand each, my sisters haul me to my feet and gently throw me onto the couch. Leo has long gone. It doesn't surprise me that he didn't stay. Although I don't notice much these days, I have certainly noticed his longer and more frequent absences. He is distancing himself, as I have. Except my way proved to be a lot more extreme.
This time Paige sits beside me, placing a rough hand on my forearm, and Phoebe seats herself on the coffee table facing me. They both look as grim as Death himself. Herself. Itself. I can't remember. Prue would've known.
"I knew it was Leo," I say huffily.
"Can't be too sure," Phoebe mutters. "It's happened before."
Rolling my eyes in annoyance, I turn to Paige. "Why did you leave? What do you think you're playing at?"
"Now I'm getting hassle from you?" Paige moans. "It just feels like all this is happening too soon. I can't handle living here - I need my own space."
"But you moved out this morning and two hours later you're back already, don't you think that means something?" I say with an angry frown. Rather than reply, Paige hastily looks at Phoebe who looks just as strangely confused as she does. Then slowly, they both direct their attention to me. I stare back at them. "What?"
They both look at me as if in a new light. What is it they're searching for? What's different that they have to stare? It disconcerts me and it hurts me and it throws me off-balance and it's weird.
Not that they matter anymore; something's come up that's far more disconcerting and weird. For the second time today, I'm seeing my dead sister and it feels like it's real. But I know better this time than to mention it; I'm almost positive my sisters on this side of the 'great divide' won't be able to see her. This makes me question myself. If I'm the only one who can see her, is she really there?
She's standing in the kitchen entrance, leaning against the border and playing with the bottom of her black vest top. She's silent and she's weak. I need to help her. I need to go to her. About her there is a sense of urgence which I can practically feel resonating from her paling skin unto my own. Slowly, she purses her lips and rolls her eyes upwards coupled with a short nod of the head, wanting me to excuse myself. But how can I? Paige and Phoebe will follow me, I know they will.
In their care they're drowning me.
Where has all this consciousness suddenly come from? Two days ago I couldn't tell a dream from reality without getting pinched but now it's almost like I'm normal, except that I'm half asleep most of the time. That's what it feels like - I'm asleep but I'm aware. As if I was drunk and its the morning after and I'm trying to remember the previous night through the haze and fog.
It's not enough, I need to think clearly. Suddenly my vision blurs into a jumble of colours and bulky shapes. No. No! I was so close! I was so close to being okay again! I... I...
There's pain to my thigh, like something hit it and hit it hard. It takes a few moments for me to register that the floor most certainly did not hit me - in this case I was the assailant. Hot tears flow down my sticky cheeks as I wail at the unfairness of this!
Not even knowing what's happening to me, I feel sudden sharp pain - like somebody has reached inside me and closed their fist around my heart and is squeezing it. Oh god it hurts! I can't breathe in, the pain! A thousand knives bluntly stabbing into my chest, a bandage wrapped around me again and again so tightly I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't... I can't see Prue anymore, I can't see at all!
What's happening to me? Am I dying? Am I having a heart attack? Whenever I morbidly imagined how it would feel, it mirrored the pain I feel now. The shock, suddenness, terror, agony.
Maybe I should just give up. Do I not deserve a little peace?
Over the roaring of a tempestuous ocean in my ears, I hear them scream. I know not what, I know not why. Perhaps it's cries of horror, of pain, of agonising uselessness, foreboding pity. Or maybe they think it's too much also; maybe they're shouting "Just go with it Piper! Let it wash over you, let it take you, go with Prue. Go and be with Prue."
I don't know which I'd rather they say.
Because I don't want to hurt them but I want to be with Prue.
Yes, the pain has gone. But I'm all too familiar with this scene. I'd laugh if I could, that I know what's happening, that it hurts to have the knowledge that at present my body is unconscious but my mind is not. Here's a thought - maybe I did die! I don't know what death feels like and this could be it. Prue would know.
She always knows.
*
Well, it wasn't a heart attack.
Apparently it was a panic attack. Well, whatever it was, it certainly was an attack. It felt like a heart attack. After all, my heart was being attacked, wasn't it? I didn't imagine all that pain, all that agonising writhing, all that terror. What must I have looked like, on the floor, flailing like a complete fool. Why do they still put up with me? I'm about as useful as a house plant. Perhaps a cactus. Because they have thorns and prickly parts, and I seem to hurt a lot of people who I come into contact with.
Yes, I'll start my new life as a cactus.
No wait, I don't want to hurt people anymore. I should be something less offensive. Like a... a dandelion or something. Dandelion. Ha! That's amusing. I understand where the 'lion' part of the name comes from, what with those yellow petals reaching out in that perfect circle, but 'dande'? Maybe it's an alternative spelling of 'dandy' which means good. "Hey, doesn't that flower look like a lion?" "Yep, it sure is dandy." That could be how it got named.
Dandelion it is. I'll start my new life as a dandy lion. Hear me roar and think me magnificent. For I am a lion, and a dandy one at that.
Why the hell am I harping on flowers? Don't I have anything better to think about?
In this empty time and place I think about the lonely face watching me from through the space throw tender kisses and who I chase where to thy ground I shall lay waste to all things good and all things chaste and in this time and in this place lay down beside my woeful face and think of how thy body's grace is shriveled and ugly and such a waste.