Disclaimer: You know the drill.

A/N: I finally updated. I just know you're allll so happy you're jumping up and down for joy. Well, I figured since AF3 is coming out in May now (YESSSSSS!!!!) I better get a move on. Except I'm taking exactly 9 classes next semester, so I'll be a bit busy...

Holly stood very still. If she moved at all, she knew her mental picture that mapped where the trapdoor was would be lost in the disorientation of the dark, and she didn't intend to waste her magic with new sparks. Careful not to twist her body angle at all, she gripped the stone in her hand and with the precision of a fully trained LEP officer, threw to where she knew the door would be. It made a thick, solid, metallic clunk. The stone dropped with a gentle thud just in front of her. Carefully, carefully, she bent to pick it up, still not losing her orientation.

Mulch was thoroughly spooked, understandably. "Captain??"

'Mulch, shut your whining trap or I'll..." Holly cut off quickly as her training kicked in. Civility was of utmost important to improving LEP public relations.

"Ha, I'd like to see you try to lay a hand on me. You LEP types think you're the top, but I could take you any day, if I had some tunnel waste on me." This was so implausible that Holly didn't even deign to respond to it.

Metal. Not much chance she could break it by herself, then. But you never knew. The trapdoor had to swing open. Hinges were a weak point. With her trusty rock, she could go after them. Not a good plan, but better than nothing. Anything was better than nothing.

There was another more immediate problem, though. She was a three-foot fairy, and this place was big. Built for a human, obviously, now that she thought of it.

Then it hit her. They weren't just near the mine—they were in it. Some shut off portion. She didn't know anything about mines, or how they worked. Maybe this place had been isolated by a flood or cave-in. Maybe dangerous toxins had been discovered. Her mind ran with possibilities, each more morbid than the last. She shook her head to clear them. If there was something immediately dangerous here, her magic would be kicking in. But it certainly didn't do anything to improve her mood.

A human-sized room would be at least six feet tall. Probably 8—humans Butler's size were uncommon, but still existed, and needed head room. She looked around, making a mental list of her resources. One sharp rock, several smaller, duller ones, one stinking dwarf, and one elf in an unarmed LEP uniform. She shook her head. There wasn't a chance she could get to the trapdoor with what she had.

But she couldn't do nothing. She threw the rock at the trapdoor again, and then again, dully thinking of trying to break it open that way. If it hit the hinges enough times, maybe it would break. She knew it was impossible in her heart, but she was sure going to give it her best shot.

***

Opal Koboi had passed the time idly. She had begun the basic procedures that would eventually change her appearance by dying and cutting her hair. Once her escape was old news and she was off the top of the LEP's "most wanted" list, she might go in for plastic surgery. She hated the idea, but it was necessary if she was to keep her freedom. Until then, she could run errands safely by brushing new, too-long bangs in front of her eyes and painting on

In the meantime, she had decided it was time to take another trip to visit her captives. She annoyed with the lack of attention being paid to her hostage-taking, and she had to remedy it soon. Her ego needed to be assuaged. And besides, she needed to provide another distraction for her next move to have full impact.

The plan was to tape the hostages alive, and send the video down to the LEP. Hopefully it would get the group of buffoons moving.

Now she was walking fast, nose wrinkled in distaste at the clouds of dust that filled the dark tunnel, with a bright lamp hoisted over her shoulder. She never stayed very long here if she could help it, and always had a long, hot shower when she got back.

She frowned when she got nearer to the hostages room. She could hear thuds, slow but distinct. She reasoned that the captives were having problems with their sanity, and were punching or hitting the walls in frustration. But she would have to be careful.

***

Holly was getting more and more frustrated, and the more frustrated she was, the harder she threw her rock. Soon she was pitching it with all her might, with pieces of the hard stone cracking off every time it hit the door. Sometimes she missed, and she would have to re-orient by hurting herself again.

She had just finished one of these self-injury sessions. Still grimacing in pain and annoyance, she raised the rock back over her head. Fueled by her anger, she pummeled it at the trapdoor.

And it was, of course, at that moment that Opal Koboi threw back the trapdoor. Opal never saw the rock coming at her—neither, for that matter, did Holly or Mulch, who had both clapped their hands to their eyes to shield from the onslaught of light. The blow hit her in the forehead with a force that would have killed a human. She keeled over backward, unconscious.

It took a few moments for Mulch and Captain Short to adjust. It took even longer for them to realize that nothing was happening to them.

"What happened?" asked Holly, mystified.

"I don't know," said Mulch, still rubbing his eyes.

"Maybe it was the rock," said Holly doubtfully.

"So it's still open?" asked Mulch, as though he hardly dared to believe it was true.

"It appears so."

"Let's get out of here."

But that was easier said than done. Even when using Mulch for leverage, Holly couldn't jump high enough to latch her fingers onto the opening. She was forced to give up quickly.

As she was apt to do in emergencies, she ran through the list of resources. One sharp rock, several smaller, duller ones, one dwarf, and one elf in an unarmed LEP uniform... an LEP uniform! She held out one arm, judging... yes, there was enough length of material in one sleeve to work. She could tear it off at the shoulder, and then begin tearing around the wrist, making a spiral using all the material. It would stretch at about 10 feet if she made the strip thin enough. The only problem would be ripping the material. LEP uniforms were made of tough stuff.

She gave it a couple experimental tugs. It would take a long time to split it, even with the help of her rock. Too long. She cast a glance around the room. Mulch was holding his head, making small noises She didn't blame him—she hadn't been altogether gentle in using him as a launchpad. But she hoped he could recover quickly. She didn't like the idea she had, but it looked like it was her only choice.

"Mulch..." she called.

"Please don't tell me you want to try that again. It didn't work."

"No. But could you come and bite off my sleeve?"

"Sorry, I thought you said could I come and bite off your sleeve."

"Yes, could you?"

"If you really, really want me to," he said slowly. Captain Short nodded. Mulch shrugged.

"Cut it off right here, please," Holly said, as if she were ordering dinner. Mulch plucked at the material, and slowly began using his pointed incisors to grind away the material. Captain Short delicately averted her gaze, distaste written on her features. Mulch worked quickly, though, and was done very soon.

"Now," Holly instructed. "Chew it into a long strip. By spiraling it to the top, if you – "

"I know what you mean," he huffed. "I'm not that stupid. You plan on using this to get us out?"

"If we weigh it down, and then throw it up through the door, we can climb up it."

"Climb? Climb? Dwarves don't climb. We can't. We have many talents, but that is not one of them. And we don't like heights."

"Fine, I'll just haul you up once I'm out. In the meantime, hurry up, before whatever opened the door decides to close it. Make it very thin, too, or it won't stretch." Mulch obliged.

In moments, the sleeve of Holly's uniform lay across her lap, efficiently mutilated. She smiled.

"How can you be sure it won't break?" Mulch asked, obviously nervous. 8 feet was pretty high up when you're less than half that size. Holly knew perfectly well that the material was meant to withstand immense strain, but she put on a worried face.

"I don't know—we'll have to test it first. Here, would you tie this around your waist? I'll tie it around mine, and we'll have a little tug-of-war to make sure nothing will happen. Very tightly, so it doesn't undo." Mulch did, and Holly went through the motions of doing it.

"Ok," she chirped cheerfully. But Mulch had just thought of something.

"Cap, what exactly do you plan to use as a weight? There nothing here heavy enough to hold done our body weight."

Holly smiled, and without warning, seized Mulch around the waist. With one great swing, she heaved him up through the trapdoor. With a thud and an "Ooof!" he landed painfully but safely.

"What was that for?" Mulch cried.

"I changed my mind. I'm homicidal," Holly answered. She heard a sharp intake of breath. "What is it?"

"That pixie with the attitude problem is up here. Looks like she's dead."

"Really?" said Holly, not sure whether to be happy or sad.

"Well I don't know, I'm not a doctor."

"I need to get up and take a look. You keep a good hold on that rope incase it undoes from your waist, or I'll kick your butt so hard you'll never clear out tunnel waste again."

Holly was halfway up the strip when Mulch, indignant and with a sore bottom, sought his revenge by untying the rope and letting her fall. Holly had expected something like this and landed on her feet, but made sure to yell and groan and curse enough so Mulch wouldn't try it again. The second time, she got to the top.

"Going kick my butt so hard it'll never pass tunnel waste again?" asked Mulch as she crawled up.

"If I could tell the difference between it and face," she answered, before taking her first look at their surroundings.

They were in a gigantic tunnel. Layers of sedimentary rock glittered in the light thrown across the walls by the lamp, and piles of rubble were heaped around the sides. About 50 feet ahead of them, the roof dropped steeply and the walls closed in. A thick black sheet of canvas hanging from the roof blocked anything else from view. Pipes ran along the ceiling, and pieces of string with rubber tubing attached dangled down. "Where under the earth are we?" Holly asked in amazement.

***

Foaly was getting desperate. They needed someone to go and check out the possible sites, but there wasn't an agent to be spared. He had never been more angry at the Commander in his life. Though, if he had looked closer, past Root's cold, impassive, and purple face, he would have seen pain in his eyes. It hurt the Commander just as much as Foaly to condemn their companions.

Foaly had an idea now. He'd had many ideas in his lifetime, all eccentric, wild, and usually good. But he didn't think he'd ever had an idea as eccentric and wild as this one, or an idea less good. But desperate measures call for desperate acts, he told himself, paraphrasing one of Root's many mottos.

He called Root. "What now, Foaly?" came the grouchy response.

"Send me in, Commander," he said.

"What? Send you where?" Root humphed.

"Send me to look at the potential sites."

"What?"

"Send me to look at the potential sites."

"I heard you the first time, Foaly! I mean 'what' as in, 'what the D'arvit are you thinking?'"

"Well, I'm thinking that you can't spare any agents, but I'm not an agent, so I could go. There are plenty of techies who could manage this place—not as well as me, of course, and they'll need to be more than one of them. And I'll have to edit away the viruses that are programmed into – "

"What? I don't believe this!" Foaly said nothing. He couldn't think of anything that wasn't a smart remark, and that wouldn't be a wise comment at a time like this. He couldn't help but smile, feeling certain that Root felt the same disbelief that he had felt when Root had reactivated himself.

"Donkey, I think your shifts been too long. You should go home and get some sleep."

"No, Commander."

"What do you mean, no?"

"I'm fine, and I'd like to get going as soon as possible. Which techies are available right now?"

"How should I know? Look, Foaly... I know that this means a lot to you... but you don't need to do this."

"But I am," he answered. "Besides, it's been a long time since I've been aboveground. It would make a nice little holiday."

"Foaly, we need you right here, and right now."

"Julius, even I have to sleep. Eventually you'd have to bring somebody in to replace me anyway. Why not do it now?"

Root didn't even notice the 'Julius', or chose to ignore it. "You're crazy," he sighed. "Insane. You're not a qualified field officer. But, d'arvit, it would make me feel a bit better if someone was up there. All right, get your oversized behind into a bipedal uniform. Bring weapons, all of your fancy gadgets, the works." Foaly gulped. What he had done was just sinking in. He couldn't handle a weapon. But hopefully, he wouldn't have to. Just its presence would be threatening enough to force someone into submission. Or at least, that's what he told himself, in an attempt to calm down his nerves. It wasn't true, of course, and it wouldn't turn out that way.

'Garth, Aspen, and Weaver are probably best. And that new kid, what's her name... Beech. When one of them has to crash, you can bring in her," Foaly said, trying to hide his nerves.

"You do realize, Foaly, that this could take days? And you're going to have to be very careful. Only go out at night, come back in the day. There's a reason we don't send centaurs aboveground, you know."

"I know," he answered. Without any magic, he would have to rely on his instruments to pick up human life in time to hide. And only at night, when it was easier to hide.

"Good luck," Root said, before cutting off the line.

A/N: I know Mulch is being too dumb. But he's going to get smarter. Holly had her turn to be smart and save the day, Mulch's will be next. And Root is being a {censored}. But he is in a desperate situation. I bet everyone's forgotten about this story now, and I won't get any reviews... oh well! I don't write for the reviews! Or do I? hmm.

To the Reviewers:

Kelti - Glad you liked it! ehe... sorry about the Root thing. I'd noticed that too. But I'm way too lazy to go back and change it. maybe once I finish writing this monstrosity.

The Seasyngr - What a cool name! everyone has cool names now. Sorry there wasn't anything about Artemis in this chapter. I'll try to write a new one quick.

slime frog - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! about three months ago. oh well! my birthday was last friday! I'm 15 now, and I can take driver's ed! Scary thought.

Blue Yeti - I promise I'll write about Arty next chapter! and I promise I'll review more of your stories! I haven't had time lately. Besides, they're all so perfect, I just keep saying the same things over and over again.

bride-of-lister - Thank you! I would give you a cookie if I had one.

Artemis Fowl the Second - Thank you too! *huggles back* Now if you'll forgive me for being such a bum and not updating, my happiness will be complete.

crazygirly007 - Have I ever mentioned that I love your name to death? I want to steal it! Ok, that's about all I have to say, so I'll be quiet now... go sit in my corner...