Chapter 13 Everything for The One Thing I can't Have
Author's Notes: sorry for the late post, but I haven't been in the mood at all lately, I was already in a big mess, a fren of mine jus told me he's neva coming bak to my skule again bcuz of his family problems, and crap. I can feel angst, but I can't seem to write anything lately. Feels as though I'm losing everything around me…physically and emotionally. But I know it isnt' fair for those who are waiting for this chapter, which probably isn't a lot neway…but, well, here goes.
Legend
Italics- Thoughts of a Character
*author's notes:blhablha*- author's notes, my notes
((…..)) – Extra Info
"….." – Dialogue between characters
~~~~~~~~~~~ - Scene Change, divider
Thank you's:
Your twin: hihi!! You don't come on msn that much anymore…*sob* I don't get to talk to my twin anymore..haha….you sang dis cassette a long time ago n send it to ter in da summer rite? Wel, she jus bought it to me lyk yesterday!! Haha….n I was going to kill you wen u said u were gunna skip "jian dan ai" Jay chou but den found out u sang it at da end…was it my imagination or did u say "shut up Vanessa..e.t.c"? o.O *sniff* my twin told me to shut up…haha whops…ok, nobody read dat rite? Ok good..haha I'm stupid anyways SEEE YYYAAAA my HET ß a.k. Hyper evil twin haha…
LI Syaoran Is So BISHONEN – Here it is!
Sileverwing- I'm so sorry for the late update…you prob already forgot tis story, but here it is…
Joey- thanks for the review, here it is! * I haf a feeling nobodi's reading dis nemore..haha updated too late o wel*
Jenny- heh..as u said later in another review, I DID email u, but I chose the other email cuz I had no idea which one ur using, so I'll remember to send u an email in this email next time, but thanks anyways!
Hummm- wen I started dis story it was meant to b more of a 'syaoran' story…hehe..he is my fav character, and I got tired of the fics saying Sakura's da onli one depressed and crap…wel newayz, THANKS!
Sheryl- Thanks for da review, glad ya liked it!
Rainbow-dreamer- Thankiesz! Sorry…this was updated so late..it's been lyk two months already I'm so sorry, didn't know where my inspiration ran, so..hehe
Pink Cherry Blossom- Thanks!! I'm so happy you liked my story, and of course, SYAORAn's always rite..mwaha I'm jk heh…newayz, hope ya lyk dis too
Aerisakura and Smashfriends- HEYo! Fanks so much, really glad you liked dis story…I was thinking of doing a sequel bcuz I really lyk dis story myself too, and didn't wanna end it…
Sammie- thanks for da review!
bIsHoUjO_KoKoRo_mEgAmI- thanks a lot! Im happi u liked da story ^_______^
Diana@Lineelu2001- *gulps* u wanna hang me in my bedroom? *inches away* hehe…newayz, fanks for the review..i sent you an email for the update too, bcuz u said last time dat I never send u one, newayz *waves*
Evil Emzo and priness Apathy- HIHIHI!! U sure luuuvv your copy and paste button..haha….first u poke me a million times, n now u're winking a million times..haha…or more dan dat…newayz, glad u liked it, ^_____^ u r a wonderful and talented author *unlike me ^_____^''* newayz, I'll cya!! *p.s : same thin I say every time: I never get to talk to u on msn!! *sob sob* ok….ima go byebye now..hehehe
Author's notes: ok…get ready for sum ANGST cuz I'fe been very angsty lately…more lyk all my lyf, so angst comes natural to me, here goes nothing:
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A pair of soft creamy hands, slightly trembled was rolled up into a loose fist and was barely touching the smooth wood of the door. She pulled them back a little to knock on the door, yet her trembling and shivering hands kept returning to her side. Her long auburn hair covered her face as her head was hung low. She took a deep breath and attempted to knock once again but just as her hand was going to touch the door, she suddenly felt a familiar aura…but it wasn't an aura she wanted to sense at a time right now.
She followed the aura's energy and led to a room, it was a big room and she peeked around the corner.
"Sorry, it didn't work, I return this back to you," A familiar voice said.
"Very well, but next time think about it before you ask of anything, it is terribly irritating and taking up our time," An older man's voice said. Suddenly she sensed it. It was the red aura that had caused the trouble earlier in Tomoeda. Sakura stepped out with her wand, but as soon as she got out, the aura was gone, and all she saw was a couple of shadows going out.
"WAIT!" Sakura called out. The shadow turned around and it was an elderly man.
"Who are you?" She asked.
"I'm one of the elders of the Li clan, how may I help you?" his voice sounded emotionless. Sakura's eyes widened a bit and quickly bowed.
"S-sorry, I thought you were someone else," she said.
"….I'll get going now," he said and left. Sakura sat down with a sigh of relief. A hand tapped Sakura on the shoulder. Sakura jumped a bit, and sprang up and turned around with her wand.
"Wh- oh, Meiling, you scared me," she said with a sigh.
"…Kinomoto-san, what are you doing here?" She asked with an eyebrow raised.
"Never mind, I just thought I saw something.. meiling, I think I just sensed the red aura from the time Syaoran got attacked and the tornado and all the other strange things!" Sakura said with a low voice. Meiling looked at her for a small while, and let out a sigh.
"Actually, about that…it was really my fault," she said. It was Sakura's turn to be confused now.
"….I asked the elders for a temporary magic," she said it out. Sakura looked more confused.
"It was because of you and Syaoran, me and Daidouji-san wanted to put you guys back together, it was hurting us to see you guys like that, so I decided to put you guys in some 'trouble' nothing that was intentionally going to hurt you, to test your love for one another, and about Syaoran being hurt, that wasn't intentional, it was an accident I would never hurt you guys," she said with a sigh. Sakura was still a bit confused but she understood.
"I'm sorry Kinomoto-san," she said. Sakura shook her head.
"It's okay, I know you were just trying to help, and I can only blame myself for doing what I did to Shaoran-kun," she said, suddenly remembering how she was going to talk to Syaoran before the aura's energy had disrupted her.
Sakura walked back down the empty hall to Syaoran's room, but he wasn't there anymore.
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Syaoran wiped away the sweat on his forehead, as he sat down on the matt in the training room and took a drink of water.
I can't concentrate……she's back in my life, I can't run away from her…but do I really want to run away? Her angelic face still haunts my dreams and thoughts. Her innocence still brings a smile upon my lips, but irritation at the innocence at the same time. My heart never left her, but I've decided I didn't NEED a heart, she can keep it or burn it, it won't affect me, I have nothing to do with her anymore, I have to get it into my head.
It was evening already, he had locked himself up in the training room the entire day, and did not intend on leaving just yet. He looked out the window, the city lights were turning on, and the sun was setting. The view too him was beautiful. It felt something special….it reminded him of the memories he never had, the faces he would never see, the voices he would never listen to, and a taste of sweetness he never had. Sometimes, thinking about what's wrong won't help. Can he drop the burden in his heart and stand up, face life with a positive attitude? It was something he hasn't been doing for a very long time already.
He rested his arms on the window frame, and rested his chin on them. The soft wind blew in and ruffled his messy chestnut hair. He closed his eyes and let it sink into the depths of his heart. The breeze felt like an assuring hand, a soft caress on his cheeks. Somewhere in his heart, he felt something lift him up, dropped a part of the grief and burdens. He drew in a breath of fresh air. As the air filled his lungs, he felt a new energy surge through him. The sudden feeling of happiness flooded his restless heart, his mind and his body. Maybe it was because he had planted Sakura's loving memory, fell too deep with her, and carried his feelings too far, maybe it will never surface and stay, planted in the depths of his heart. Maybe a lot of things will happen, but who was he to know?
Never loved someone this way, never will, his soul still strongly held onto that fact, but even if this world doesn't care anymore……even if Sakura won't care anymore, he will continue to live, but not with an empty heart, but a heart that will be willing to earn enough to fill the emptiness up, someday. A new determination flooded his heart.
Could I….really live… without Sakura?
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KNOCK KNOCK, Sakura heard her door being knocked. She opened the door and it was Meiling.
"How are ya? Everything ok?" Meiling asked with a huge smile. Sakura nodded and smiled back.
"Well…we all know why you're here, so it's your choice, but I suggest that you sit down and talk with Syaoran," She said. Sakura sighed. If I can actually get him to stay still and not avoid me for even a minute…she thought sadly.
"I know, thanks, I'll talk to him when I get the chance," She replied. Meiling nodded and left. Sakura flopped down onto her bed and stared up at the high ceiling. The crystal light brightened the room, and Sakura stared at the colours it reflected. Her thoughts wandered backwards. When Syaoran's voice had rung in her ears I love you Sakura…..I love you Sakura…..it keeps repeating in her head. A tear formed in her eyes. She was positive he loved her then, but what happens if what he said at the airport that day was true? That he no longer loved her?
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Syaoran didn't return to his room, he stayed in the training room, it was dark, and he didn't bother. He stopped his training and sat down. His head rested on the wall and he rested his body in defeat. His thoughts wandered free once more. That day he remembered Sakura's sweet voice telling him that she felt the same, it was overwhelming, he was overjoyed and excitement, happiness surged throughout his body like energy. Why did his happiness end here? Why was his instant happiness…--like the way it came, suddenly, it left the same way, suddenly.
He remembered the day he screamed out for joy and excitement, when he first succeeded in a good mark at a report card when he was younger, he made an honor role, and he was so happy, he didn't think he could make it, but he tried hard, and the moment he calculated his average he figured out he made it, it was like the best thing for him in a long while, since the harshness at home, and the death of his father. He felt significant, succeeded in some special way. Then later he found out he had calculated it wrong, he calculated it again and again and again but he still remained the same number. He didn't get it. The happiness that brought him way above the clouds brought him down below the earth. He felt the first tears he had cried since a long time, poured down his cheeks softly. It wasn't a big deal, but his heart was suffering. He wished those numbers would just rise by two, and he would've accomplished his goal. It wasn't fair.
If his heart gave in to those tears then, the strong Syaoran Li, had cried for that mark, but now he felt no tears pouring down his cheeks anymore as he watches his loved one hurt him. Somewhere deep deep down his heart, he felt something aching, it hurt more than anything but yet, he had no tears. How come, it hurts so much when you thought your heart was filled, and life was finally of some worth, and it blows past leaving you empty, disappointed and lost?
Many people can say that they love someone, but do they actually truly know the real meaning of love? Those who are brave enough to say they do not know, because it is the truth, those are people are real, those who say they do but they don't, are fake….but Syaoran knows that he is positive he knows he loves Sakura. He is serious about everything he does in life, and that doesn't exclude Love in any way. If she will never love him the way he loves her, then maybe she wasn't meant to be with him, but in his heart he doesn't really care that much anymore.
He knows what he feels for her and that's enough. He can't stop himself from thinking what he doesn't want to think, he can't stop himself from the disappointment, defeated by the grief, it hurts, and it feels as though he is the only one that will ever understand, no one else will. If he was meant to take this path alone, then it he can't change it. The tears still want to pour out, his mind is still struggling hard not to think about it, but what can he do, besides try his best not to think of it? He never asked for much, never asked for a lot of things, he still asked, what had he done wrong? Why couldn't good things ever last for him, why did it have to go away, dissolving into the air leaving him paralyzed in his own world?
Sakura's memories will forever live on in his heart, her voice will forever be a sorrowful tune in his soul, and her features will forever remain in his eyes, the love they had once shared…or even if she never gave him the love, he will forever remember her……….
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Sakura gathered up all her courage and gently, softly, almost hoping he wouldn't be able to hear, she knocked on his door. Nobody answered, she put her hand on the knob, it wasn't locked. She felt an urge to go inside, Syaoran wasn't in his room. She walked into the solemn room. There was a big glass window at the other side, and the curtains were on the side. His bed sheets were a dark green and he had a desk. She looked on the desk and saw a picture. She took it up and held it closer to take a better look. It was a picture of him and her taken when they were in grade 6. She had a bright smile and Syaoran had a serious expression, as always, but she could clearly see the happiness in his eyes. She looked at another picture, which was recent, and meiling was beside him with a huge smile, Syaoran's expression would seem like it was the same as the other one, but the happiness that glimmered in his eyes were gone.
She was about to leave when she accidentally bumped the garbage can and a few paper fell out. She knelt down and put the paper back in the bin, but something caught her attention. Her name was on them. She opened the paper balls up and realized it was letters to her. The letters that Syaoran had intended to send her but didn't know the right words. Tears welled up in Sakura's eyes as she read them. Suddenly she heard a sound in the hallways, so she threw the paper back in the bin and walked out, closing the door behind her.
I have to get things cleared up with Syaoran, or I'll regret it forever……I still wasn't sure if I made the right choice when I came to Hong Kong, but I've finally realized. Syaoran's love for me had always been stronger than mine for him, young was just an excuse, he waited all these years for me, and only me, I owe him everything, He did everything for me, and………maybe it's time to prove my sacrificial love for him…
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Sakura opened the door slightly to the training room. Syaoran was training hard. Sakura slid past the door and stood at the side. Syaoran didn't notice she was there, he was trying to clear his thoughts. Suddenly, the side of his eye glanced Sakura. He lost his balance and fell. Sakura ran over to help, but he quickly stood up before she could get to him.
"Um….are you ok?" She asked quietly. Syaoran nodded. He got off the matt and went to get a sip of water, and used the towel to wipe off his sweat. He sat down on the matt and rested his head on the matt. Sakura followed him and sat beside him as well. She side glanced Syaoran. They sat in silence for a while. It was getting extremely uncomfortable for both of them.
Sakura took a deep breath and decided to break the awkward silence.
"Syaoran-kun….since the first day I saw you in Tomoeda when you came back from hong kong, I was struggling with my own thoughts, I never thought about your feelings, and I'm so sorry for my selfishness," she said quietly. Syaoran swallowed the lump in his throat. He didn't say anything, Sakura was going to go on when suddenly, they heard a loud noise outside. They both got up.
"I—I'll go and see what happened," Syaoran mumbled and walked out quickly. He came back after a little while.
"What happened?" Sakura asked.
"Nothing, nobody was outside probably just the workers at the kitchen," he said.
"At this late?" Sakura asked. Syaoran looked down.
"Um…I'm sorry, were you going to finish? Because I'm really tired and I kind of want to go to sleep, would you mind if we continued this another time?" He asked. Sakura looked down in disappointment.
"Sure, sorry," she said with a small smile. Syaoran nodded a good bye and walked out to take a shower. Sakura sighed as she returned to her room as well.
Syaoran almost ran up the stairs to his room, and closed the door behind him. He rested his head on the door and closed his eyes. He slid down to the floor, resting his back on the door. Why did I run away? He asked himself. He felt his heart pump really fast. Part of him really wanted to hear what Sakura was going to say, he missed her so much, he haven't talked to her in so long, but the other part was scared, and frustrated, and he let the second part take over him. The situation was too much, he wanted to thank whoever made that noise in the hallway. You can't run away from her forever! And you know you want to talk to her, you know you love her, you know that even if you went deaf you could still hear her voice echo in the walls of your heart…. A voice in his head kept telling him. Syaoran walked to take a hot shower, he drowned all his thoughts away, and went back to bed.
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"Moshi moshi?" Sakura said into the phone the next morning, she called Tomoyo.
"hai?" Tomoyo replied.
"It's me, Sakura," she said happily.
"SAKURA-CHAN!!!" Tomoyo exclaimed.
"I designed tons and tons of costumes waiting for you to try out when you come back, and I also made lots for Li-kun!" she said, and immediately stopped herself right there.
"Oh yah….what happened with Li-kun, are you guys back together yet?" She asked. Sakura sighed, which was successfully heard by Tomoyo on the other side. She knew something was wrong.
"He's been trying really hard to avoid me and I can hardly get more than 10 words to him," she said. Tomoyo sighed.
"Li-kun loves you, don't worry, I know he does, and I know you do too, go for it, I have faith in you, and Li-kun, make me proud," she said gently.
"I will, tomoyo-chan, I will…" Sakura said, her voice slowly fading away, as she was lost in her own thoughts again.
"Well, anyways, I can't talk for too long, I don't want to make them pay a high phone bill," she said.
"Ok, Sayonara!" Tomoyo said.
"..Sayonara," Sakura said and hung up.
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Meiling watched Syaoran and Sakura eat their lunch in total silence. She tried to make a conversation but it failed, nobody seemed to want to talk. She sighed.
"Okay, I'm going shopping today, and the things are on sale, so if I don't go now, it'll all be sold out, so JA!" Meiling said and left. Sakura and Syaoran remained silent at the table.
"I'm going to go back to the training room now," Syaoran said quietly as he got up from his seat to leave.
"Matte, Syaoran-kun!" Sakura called out. Syaoran stopped but didn't turn around.
"I know it hurts, but I need to get things cleared with you, meet me at the park tonight at 8:00, I don't want to face this anymore than you, but I think we both deserve a conclusion," Sakura said. Syaoran's eyes widened a bit, and he hurried to the training room.
Should I go? I know she's right, but I don't know if I want to hear what she has to say, I don't want to have a new memory of words I do not want to hear, echoing in my mind again and again He thought to himself. He continued on his training, to forget all his problems and think about the later. He felt like crying, but he didn't. When his eyes blurred, that everything became swirled and duplicated, he closed his eyes and waited for them to pass away. He will NOT be weak again. He will be strong, he will not cry, and he will not disappoint himself again. High expectations only led to hurt, pain, and disappointment. It hurts to be disappointed in someone special, but it hurts even more to be disappointed by himself. Like the marks he got when he was small, he will not let Sakura raise his hopes and then let it drop below the molten lava in the core of the earth. How long could he escape his problems? He didn't know. But he knew he had done enough standing up, enough facing, now is the time to forget.
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Sakura stood at the center of the park when night came. The usually warm Hong Kong was suddenly cold to Sakura. She had her hands on her arms as the wind blew past. She looked around. She wasn't sure if Syaoran would actually come, but she had to wait. She would wait until he actually came. She would wait forever if that's the cost of it. She sat down on the bench. Lots of people past by her, each time she looked up to see if it was Syaoran, but he didn't appear. 3 hours past by but he didn't come. Sakura didn't move. She still had her eyes peeled on the road that he should be coming from. It started to rain, but Sakura didn't move. The water soaked her coat and her tied up hair was soaked and her hair covered her face. She watched the water drip from the tip of her hair, drop by drop, like the blood from the wound in her heart, drop by drop, it hit the surface of her thoughts, covering it. Syaoran, I know you will come……I believe in you.
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Syaoran stared out the window as he saw the rain pour. The water dropping on his window, he felt like hammer was hammering his heart inside. He knew Sakura was out there waiting for him. He looked at the clock, it was 12:00 a.m he was four hours late already. He didn't move. He turned around and tried to keep his thoughts away. He wasn't being indecisive, but something inside was stopping himself, stopping him from going to Sakura. After quite some time, he was going to get something from his shelf, and hit the desk, causing something hard to fall down. He heard the glass shatter. He bent down to pick it up. It was the picture of him and Sakura from grade 6. The frame broke. He slowly lifted his finger to touch the picture behind the broken glass. The glass cut his finger, the blood dropped onto the picture. He didn't care. He tore the picture out of the frame and lifted it in front of him. His heart was crying out. A thunder was heard, and he turned around, the rain was getting heavier and it was lightning.
He walked downstairs as he heard the T.V.
"The storm seems to be getting heavier! The lightning has struck a tree in the park, and it seems as though someone has been severely injured…" the news reporter continued, but the picture in Syaoran's hand slowly floated onto the ground as his trembling hand squeezed together.
"hey, Syao-," meiling started, but before she could continue, Syaoran ran past her and ran out the door slamming it behind him. He didn't even take a coat or an umbrella, he ran out. Meiling widened her eyes. What's wrong with him? And where's Sakura? She thought.
Syaoran ran and ran through the streets, bumping into people on the way apologizing and ignoring the rude comments. He ran to the park and searched around. Wait…they said the park, they didn't say it was this park……but there aren't a lot of parks in hong kong……argh, where is she?! He yelled in his head. He ran to the bench Sakura was sitting in, but she wasn't there anymore, he found a hair clip that belonged to Sakura on the bench. He started to panic. He was so nervous that he's even forgetting the tears welled up in his eyes. I won't lose her, I won't lose her…. He repeated in his head.
"SAKURA WHERE ARE YOU?" Syaoran called out. His messy hair was soaked and was messier than ever, his robe was just as soaked, it practically stuck onto him. He tried to concentrate on Sakura's aura, but he couldn't find it. He was panicking too much. The thought of losing her was too much.
Sakura thought she saw Syaoran's back, and he was crossing the street. She ran to chase after him, thinking he was Syaoran.
"SAKURA!!" Syaoran cried out again. He looked around and came out, just as he saw Sakura running to the intersection. The lights were switching but Sakura continued to run to the person. She caught up and grabbed his arms. The person turned around and she realized it wasn't him, and was someone else.
"I'm sorry," She muttered, and as she turned around, she didn't realize the lights were already turned red, and the cars were starting.
A truck was headed towards Sakura, and the driver didn't see her, as she was wearing black and small, he had on loud music and wasn't paying attention. Sakura froze right there. She squeezed her eyes closed as the trucks came inches towards her, she held her arms up in front to protect herself, but she was too paralyzed to get her wand out. She thought she was going to get crushed. ….I love you syaoran
A pair of hands pushed Sakura out of the way, and he turned around just in time to see the huge lights of the truck come in contact with his body. The truck driver realized he hit something and immediately stopped the truck. Sakura turned around and her jaw dropped. She ran to the body on the ground.
"Syaoran…..Syaoran, don't leave me, get up, tell me you're okay," she said, sobbing, as her tears kept pouring. She held Syaoran on her lap and hugged him.
"Please don't leave me," she cried, can't control her emotions. The truck driver came out and was wide eyed.
"CALL THE AMBULANCE!" Sakura screamed, as he hurried to call the ambulance.
"S-sakura…" Syaoran mumbled. Sakura diverted all her attention to him.
"Sorry," he said weakly. I'm sorry to myself as well..i've failed myself and gave in to my emotions again. Sakura shook her head furiously.
"No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for all that I caused you," she cried, her tears mixing into the rain. He lifted his hands up a bit. Sakura held his hand tightly.
"Don't leave me, please, I need you, I still have a lot to tell you, I lov-" She sobbed, but didn't get to finish because Syaoran cut her off.
"I'd been complaining about my life, I was wrong.. it shouldn't ma—matter how it began, who I met in the way…..it all comes down to how life ends. What really matters is how it ends. And who will be by my side when I do, And I tell you…S-Sakura, this is a an ending that I never dared to ask for, I know you won't love me the way I did to you, and I just want you to know, In my heart, I do not mind. I didn't lie to myself, I love you, but you shouldn't lie to yourself neither, nor to me if you really do not feel that way," he said as he choked a bit. Sakura cried.
"No…it won't end, I need you, you can't leave me," she said desperately. His half opened eyes stared into the emerald eyes that gave him peace as he knew his life was coming to an end. Sakura held on tighter to his weak body and her tears continued to drop.
"Sakura…promise me, that you will be happy, I want you to smile, even if the smile won't be for me," he said.
"I'm going to leave this world heartless. My spirit will leave, but my heart will forever remain with you," he mumbled, and his amber eyes slowly closed as his eyelids closed.
"I love you…." Sakura choked, but the words never reached his head, as he fell back lifelessly. Sakura sobbed harder. She looked up into the sky as the rain continued to hit her face. The ambulance arrived, but Sakura held tightly onto Syaoran. Knowing that he was already gone, His lifeless body was still in her warm embrace. She placed her lips on his purple lips, softly, but the memory of it will never get to Syaoran, only in hers.
……Aishiteru
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The end…..
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Author's notes: ….Ok..i can't believe it ended….well, it did, what can I do? I'm going to touch it up with an epilogue, ok?…sequel? I just didn't want to make it like the typical ones where he comes back, or like an angel…it's a bit just…not the way I wanted to make it..but..i duno? If you would like mE TO DO A SEQUEL…then tell me…or give me ideas, anything is well appreciated....I hope this chapter hasn't disappointed anyone, I'M SORRY if it didn't end the way you wanted it to, but I got a bit sick of the 'let's kiss and make up' right away kind of thing…don't kill me! So if you'd like something, like a sequel or something after you read the epilogue, I can try or something..^__________^ I'll think it over, k? k but I'm not promising anything…don't forget to review!!! SAYONARA!!!!