(SoM loads up.)
TV Screen: Squaresoft blah blah blah blah-
(Player presses START 5 hundred million times.)
CHOICE
1. Start New Game
2. Continue
Player: Hmm...
(Player picks Start New Game.)
TV Screen: Name: _ _ _ _ _
Player: 5 letters, huh? What if I wanted to name him "Michael" or something?
TV Screen: Too bad.
Player: Fuck you.
(Player names boy MICHA.)
(Micha sobs.)
Micha: Why can't anyone ever name me something cool...?
(The naming screen into black as the introductory movie plays.)
. Intro .
(Some dead-looking purple tree trunks appear. The camera pans the dead-looking purple tree trunks as if they were in the least bit interesting.)
Voice: Using Mana, a civilization had grown strong...
(An advertisement for ManaSteroids.com floats onto the screen, with a big buff guy on the front and the words, "VE VILL PUMP U UP!".)
Voice: In time, Mana was used to create the ultimate weapon: the unholy Mana Blimp. *Dun dun dun!* The people looked upon it and were like "this is friggin' L337, we don't need those worthless Mana Gods anymore..."
(The music pulses for a while. The camera pans the Mana Blimp.)
Voice: This angered the Gods. They sent their hordes of fuzzy pink energizer rabites to destroy the evil Blimp...
(Many pink rabites attempt to bite the Mana Fortress. Explosions occur.)
Voice: A violent war rocked the world, and the Gods were like "fine, to hell with you, blimp bitches!" and the people were like "No, to hell with YOU, rabite whores!" and Mana seemed to disappear...
(The Mana Tree appears and does the Macarena before falling over dead.)
Voice: But before all was lost, some random guy with the Mana Sword came and popped the blimp and stabbed all the people and they all died...
(The camera begins randomly circling the Earth.)
Voice: Though the entire world's population had been stabbed to death, the rivers ran with the blood of innocent millions, the blimp blew a giant hole in the ozone layer, and walruses took over the entire ice country, the world became peaceful again...
(The screen fades to black.)
Voice: But time flows like a river, and history repeats...
2nd Voice: Alright! That's a wrap!
Voice: Damn, talking all raspy like this hurts my throat. I'm gonna go get a beer.
. Scene 1 - The Waterfall and the Sword .
Log Bridge Above the Waterfall
(The first scene opens with 2 boys on a log bridge over a huge, gaping waterfall. Timothy, a skinny little computer-geek kid, and Elliott, your local overweight bully, stand on one side.)
Timothy: So when he gets here, we push him off, and we go tell the Elder that a bird hit him in the head and he fell over?
Elliott: Right. Or we could blame it on the ghost your old granny keeps babbling about.
Timothy: My granny does not babble!
Elliott: Dude, she snorts medicinal herbs to get high twice a day.
Timothy: Shut up.
Elliott: Anyway-
(Micha runs in.)
Micha: Hey! Guys! Wait up!
(Micha leans over, panting. He slips a bit, but catches his balance.)
Micha: Whoa! Shit! It feels like someone greased this part of the log or something!
(Elliott and Timothy look at him innocently.)
Timothy: We didn't notice anything.
Elliott: You're just clumsy.
Micha: Yeah, probably. Anyway, are you guys really gonna take me snipe hunting? Golly, it'll be so much fun! I've never actually gone anywhere with friends before!
Elliott: 'Cause you have none?
Micha: Yeah! Imean blah blah blah blah blah-
(Timothy whispers to Elliott.)
Timothy: Psst... can we pleeease kill him now?
(Elliott turns to Timothy.)
Elliott: Shh! Be quiet!
Micha: so then I went to her chickens and- Huh? What? Why?
Elliott: What?
(Elliott turns back to Micha.)
Elliott: Oh. Uh... the uh... Elder will hear us.
Micha: From all the way back in town like a mile away?
Elliott: Uh, yeah. We're pretty high up... sound like... echoes... or something, you know.
Micha: Oh. Okay.
Timothy: Yeah. We're not supposed to be here. There's a ghost around!
Micha: WHAT?!
(Micha jumps and slips on the log, leaning precariously over the waterfall but barely regaining his balance.)
Timothy: Darn!
Micha: What?
Timothy: Uh... darn... you didn't keep standing.
Micha: Oh. ...Thanks!
Elliott: Ha! Do you really believe in that ghost? People just stay that to scare us!
Timothy: But I heard granny talking about some shiny object near the falls...
(Elliott pretends to stare at something at the bottom of the waterfall.)
Elliott: Hey wait! I can see it! I think it's some kind of treasure! Look, Micha, if you lean over a bit that way, you can just see it sparkling-
Micha: Ooo! Where?!
(Micha leans over, scanning the ground.)
Elliott: Right over there! I'll show you!
(Elliott and Timothy run over to Micha and boot him off the log!)
Micha: OW!
Timothy: Woops.
(Elliott and Timothy give each other high-fives!)
Micha(fading away): AHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh...
At the Base of the Waterfall
(Micha slams into the base of the waterfall with a satisfying THWACK!)
Micha: OW!
(Micha rubs his ass and grumbles.)
Micha: Man... now I remember why I don't like having friends...
(Micha looks up.)
Micha: Phew. No way to get back up... What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? What exciting adventures will befall our daring hero next?!
(Micha blinks.)
Micha: What the hell did I just-
(Micha shakes his head.)
Micha: Whatever.
(Micha wades through the water to get to dry land. He is walking along happily when suddenly, out of nowhere, a flash of light bursts into the area and blinds him.)
Micha: AUGHHHHHH!! MY EYES!!!
(Micha curls into a little quivering ball on the ground.)
Voice: Micha... Micha... the Sword...
Micha: What the hell?!
(Micha waits around for a moment. Nothing further happens.)
Micha: Well... okay, I'll just keep walking now like that never happened. The village is over there, by the way. Though I don't know why I'm saying that out loud since I should know where it is since I've lived there all my life. Or something.
(Micha continues walking on happily like nothing ever happened. He reaches some bushes blocking the way.)
Micha: Well darn! Bushes! Blocking my way! I guess I'll have to go grab some overly sharp and heavy object like a sword or something to cut through it!
(Micha turns around. Conveniently, there is a sword in a stone in the water.)
Micha: Oo. Pretty.
(Micha wades out into the water near the stone. As he approaches the sword, another flash of light blinds him.)
Micha: AUGHH!! STOP DOING THAT!!
Voice: MICHA... Remove the sword...
Micha: Who are you? And what's this sword doing here? And how the hell do I take it, its in a goddam stone!
Voice: MICHA... Remove the sword...
Micha: It's in a stone!
Voice: MICHA... Remove the sword...
Micha: It's in a stone!
Voice: MICHA-
Micha: It's in-
Voice: M-
Micha: It's-
Voice: JUST TAKE THE GODDAM SWORD BEFORE I SMACK THE HELL OUT OF YOUR WEAK ASS!
Micha: Meep.
(Micha pulls at the sword. It comes free from the stone, and a brilliant light blinds him yet again!)
Micha: AUGHHHHHHHHH! I KNEW IT WAS A TRICK!
(The light fades, and a ghost appears.)
(Micha stares in utter fear.)
Ghost: Micha... It is I who asked... the sword...
Micha: You... just... talked.
Ghost: Yeah.
Micha: Again.
Ghost: Uh huh.
Micha: ...
Ghost: ...
Micha: ...
Ghost: Psst. Hey. You like medicinal herbs?
Micha: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Micha runs away screaming through the bushes.)