. Scene 2 - Monsters, Earthquakes, and Perverts Wearing Purple .
Rabite Forest
Voice: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Micha runs in through some bushes.)
(Micha pants.)
Micha: Phew... got away from that-
(A small yellow rabite hops in.)
Micha: AHHHHHH!
(The rabite innocently chews on some grass.)
Micha: Whoa!
(The rabite smiles and warbles at Micha cutely.)
Micha: Weird... What's a rabite doing here?!
(The rabite glares at Micha.)
Rabite: Havin' lunch, bitch, you got a problem wi'dat?
Micha: Meep, uh, no...
Rabite: No WHAT, bitch?!
Micha: No! Uh... Sir! No, sir!
(Micha quivers in utter terror.)
Rabite: Stop lookin' at me like that.
Micha: But-
Rabite: You need a lesson in PAIN!!
Micha: But I didn't-
(The rabite flings itself bodily at Micha!)
Micha: Meep!!
(Micha cowers behind his sword.)
Rabite: Take THIS!
(The rabite impales itself on Micha's sword!)
Rabite: Nooooooooooo-
(The rabite explodes in a shower of sparks. Poof!)
(Micha cautiously opens his eyes.)
Micha: Um... Mr. Rabite?
(Micha glances around, notices the rabite's absence, and beams.)
Micha: Ph33r my L337 swordmanship skillz!!
(Micha swings his sword around and hits himself in the head.)
Micha: OW!
(Micha grumbles at his sword.)
Micha: I swear I'm gonna get like tetanus from this or something...
(Another small yellow rabite hops in.)
Rabite: Yo.
Micha: Ha! Little rabite! Monster! Learn to fear my sword!
Rabite: Uh... yeah. Whatever. You seen my friend around here?
Micha: En garde!
(Micha rushes towards the rabite.)
(The rabite takes a huge bite out of Micha's left leg!)
Micha: AHHHHHH!!
(Micha runs away screaming, pausing in a field of grass which happens to somehow be in the woods, and looks pretty clear of monsters.)
Micha: Oww... damn vicious rabites... what did I ever do to it?!
(Another small yellow rabite hops in.)
Rabite: Hey, you look like you could use some-
Micha: AHHHHHHHHHH!!
(Micha runs away screaming.)
Rabite: What? What's so wrong with Candy?!
Potos Village
(Micha wanders in, dragging his left leg and bleeding from several severe wounds.)
Micha: Help... me...
(Micha stumbles and falls over!)
Villager: Welcome to Potos Village!
Micha: Yeah. I live here. Listen, I'm going to bleed to death... Where's the doctor?
Villager: Welcome to Potos Village!
Micha: Wait a sec, we don't even HAVE a doctor.
Villager: Welcome to Potos Village!
Micha: ...Nevermind.
(Micha drags himself to the town store.)
Store
Merchant: Why hello there! You look fine today.
Micha: I'M GOING TO BLEED TO DEATH!
Merchant: Oh, how delightful! Would you like some candy?
Micha: Candy?! I'm DYING!
Merchant: Yeah.
Micha: ...
Merchant: ...
(The Merchant dances around happily.)
Micha: Don't you have a healing potion or something?
Merchant: Those weren't invented yet.
Micha: Damn. I guess I'm just gonna bleed out right here on your counter, then.
Merchant: Well do you want the candy or not?
Micha: But how's candy going to help me?
Merchant: Trust me.
(Micha purchases a piece of candy for the insane sum of 10 pieces of solid, pure gold and eats it. Suddenly, he feels perfectly fine!)
Micha: Whoa.
Merchant: Cool, isn't it? We have a whole line of products like that, Candy, Chocolate, Royal Jelly, sugar-filled Cups of Wishes-
Micha: But like, what if you're diabetic?
Merchant: Eat some Candy, and it'll cure that right away!
Micha: ...Now that's just messed up.
Merchant: Oh, by the way, the Elder was looking for you.
Micha: Oh! I better go see him, then. Hey... thanks for the candy!
(Micha waves and leaves.)
Merchant: ...
(The Merchant snickers.)
Merchant: You are in SO much shit.
Potos Village
(Micha runs over to the Elder's house. The Elder is standing out in his flower garden with Timothy and Elliott, making flower chains for each other.)
Micha: Hey! Guys!
Timothy: What the-
Elliott: Holy-
Elder: Micha! You're not hurt! Damn!
Micha: What?
Elder: Uh... I mean... Uh... they just told me about what happened, so we were making flower chains to celeb- I mean mourn! Yeah, mourn! Your death. And stuff.
Elliott: I thought you were a goner!
Timothy(to himself): Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
Micha: But hey, guys! I found the treasure!
(Micha glances at his Rusty Sword.)
Micha: Uh, what was... supposedly... a treasure, anyway.
(The Elder, Elliott, and Timothy stare at the sword in terror.)
Elder: MICHA! What's that you have?! ...Oh no! It couldn't be...!
Micha: ...What?
Elder: What have you done?! How could some worthless loser like you have pulled out the great Mana Sword?!
Micha: ...this piece of shit is the Mana Sword?!
Elder: But pulling out the sword is impossible!
Micha: I know! It was stuck in this big rock, but then this ghost came and he was all like oh Micha please pull the sword out and I was like "fine, but it's only to kick your lame ass with" and so I did and it came out! And then the ghost was all like hey do you want medicinal herbs so I was like "no!" and I kicked his ass! And I came back here but there were all these rabites here and they tried to bite me! So I had to teach them all a lesson and defeat them all in glorious battle with my super awesome sword skills and-
Timothy: Dude just say "I pulled out the sword 'cause I'm a dumbass and now everyone's dead."
Micha: Well if you put it that way-
Elliott: So that's it! That's why all the monsters are attacking our village now!
Micha: What monsters? I didn't see any in the village-
Elliott: How could an outsider like you yank out the sword and bring doom to us all?!
(Elliott bitch-slaps Micha!)
Micha: OW! Hey! Stoppit!
(Elliott bitch-slaps Micha again!)
Elliott: YOU did it! It's YOUR fault! YOU!
Micha: But-
(Elliott bitch-slaps Micha yet again!)
Elliott: WHO'S YO' DADDY?!
Micha: Please, stop! Stop! Stop!
(Micha sobs.)
(Suddenly, the ground begins to shake.)
Timothy: EARTHQUAKE!
(Timothy shrieks.)
(Elliott begins to run around in circles in panic. The ground directly beneath him caves in and he and Micha fall into a giant pit!)
Elder: Oh no!
(All the Villagers crowd around the hole.)
Villager: Help! Help! Elly and Micha just fell in the giant muddy hole!
Villager #2: They're rolling around in it! Look at 'em go!
Villager #3: But they're on top of each other! What if they can't breathe?!
(The door of the bar opens and a knight wearing purple rushes out.)
Jema: Where?! Where's the lesbian mud wrestling?!
(All the Villagers look at Jema strangely.)
Jema: ...What?
Villager: Um... Elliott and Micha aren't lesbians. They're not even girls.
Jema: Oh. ...Damn.
(Jema frowns.)
Jema: Wait a sec, "Micha" isn't a girl?
Villagers: No.
Jema: Does he look like a girl?
Villagers: No.
Jema: Does he cross-dress or something?
Villagers: No.
Jema: Is it a nickname?
Villagers: No.
Jema: He's gay, isn't he?
Villagers: No.
Jema: But-
Villagers: No.
Jema: I could have sworn-
Villagers: No.
Jema: Weeeeird.
Giant Muddy Pit Thingy
(Micha attempts to scrabble his way up the wall of the pit.)
Micha: No way... can't get out!
(Micha looks up and sees the villagers crowded around.)
Micha: HEY! COULD ONE OF YOU THROW ME A ROPE?
Mantis Ant: Ahem.
Micha: HEY!! CAN YOU HEAR-
Mantis Ant: Ahem.
(Micha glances at the Mantis Ant.)
Mantis Ant: Why, hello there, Lunch.
(The Mantis Ant rubs its claws together in an anticipatory fashion.)
Micha: .........
(Micha buries his face in his hands and sobs.)
Micha: Why me...?