A/N: Just a note, this is a parody of the original Secret of Mana (US; SNES), not SD3 or Legend of Mana.
. Scene 3 – The Mantis Ant, More of the Pervert in Purple, and About 53 Cups of Wishes .
Giant Pit-Cave Thingy
Timothy(faintly): Elliott! See what happens when you move your fat ass around too much! Earthquakes!!
Elliott: Shut up! At least I'm not a 59 pound loser wearing a dunce cap around!
Timothy(faintly): It is NOT a dunce cap! And I weigh 60 pounds!!
Elliott: Loser!
Timothy(faintly): Ass!
Elliott: Fartmunch!
Timothy(faintly): Boogerhead!
Mantis Ant: Ahem. Excuse me...
(Micha glances at the Mantis Ant.)
Micha: Uh... Elliott?
Elliott: Your mother sniffs Cups of Wishes!
Timothy(faintly): Does not!
Elliott: Does too!
(The Mantis Ant edges a bit closer.)
Micha: Uh... Elliott?
Elliott: Shut up, I'm busy.
Timothy(faintly): Yeah? Well I saw my mom in bed with your dad last night! I mean... Um... damn! No I didn't!
(The Mantis Ant cleans its claws.)
Micha: Uh... Elliott?
(Elliott turns and glares at Micha.)
Elliott: What?
Micha: There's this big monster... thingy-
(The Mantis Ant claws at Elliott! It is a good hit to the right arm!)
Elliott: AHHHHHHHH!
(Elliott runs off into the corner and cries.)
Elliott: Micha!! You have a sword, YOU kill it!
Micha: But-
(The Mantis Ant claws at Micha! It is an amazing hit to the head!)
Micha: OW!
(Micha flies across the room and slams into the wall.)
(Elliott wets his pants.)
Jema(faintly): Hey. This isn't what I came here for...
Micha: HELP ME!
(The Mantis Ant claws at Micha again! It is a good hit to the head!)
Micha: OW!
Jema(faintly): You down there! What the hell are you doing?!
Micha: DYING!
(The Mantis Ant unleashes a torrent of gem missiles upon Micha's head!)
(Micha flies into the wall at the opposite end of the room.)
Jema(faintly): Look, watch how the monster attacks, then fight it-
(The Mantis Ant gouges out Micha's left eye!)
Micha: AUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!11!!
Mantis Ant: 3y3 pwn j00 bitchez!!
(Micha flails at the Mantis Ant blindly with his sword!)
(The Mantis Ant dodges quickly!)
Micha: I can't see! I can't see!
Mantis Ant: STFU n00b!!
(The Mantis Ant claws at Micha's head!)
(Micha flies into the wall at the opposite end of the room.)
Jema(faintly): Wow, you suck.
Micha: Can't you please just throw a grenade in here or something?
Jema(faintly): What, and ruin all the fun?
Micha: You bastard!!!
(The Mantis Ant suddenly begins to glow bright pink.)
Jema(faintly): Ooh.
(Micha moans.)
Micha: This can't be good...
Mantis Ant: KA... ME... HA... ME... HA!!
(The Mantis Ant leaps at Micha's helpless broken body and runs it completely through with both claws!)
Micha: AUUUGGHHHH!!!!
(Micha just died.)
Micha's ghost: Well... fuck.
Jema(faintly): Damn. Already?
Micha's ghost: Hey... this is actually kinda nice, things can't hurt me anymore-
Jema(faintly): Cup of Wishes!
(Micha is restored to full health!)
Jema(faintly): There! That'll help! More fun for everyone!
(The Mantis Ant beams happily and claps for joy!)
Micha: Well... fuck.
5 hours later....
(The Mantis Ant unleashes a torrent of gem missiles upon Micha's head!)
Micha: AUUUGGGGHHHH!!
(Micha just died.)
Jema(faintly): What is this like the 15th time?!
Micha's ghost: NO! DON'T-
Jema(faintly): Cup of Wishes!
(Micha is restored to full health!)
Micha: NOOOOOO!!!
(Micha sobs.)
Jema(faintly): Hee, hee, hee. Yo! Shopkeep! More Cups of Wishes here!
5 hours later...
(Jema cheers!)
Jema(faintly): Go Ant go!
(The Mantis Ant rushes towards Micha!)
(Micha pants.)
Micha: Fuck this! Just take the stupid sword!
(Micha flings the Rusty Sword at the Mantis Ant!)
Mantis Ant: Uh oh.
(The Mantis Ant is impaled through the head!)
Mantis Ant: AGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
(The Mantis Ant writhes and explodes in a shower of sparks!)
Elliott(yes, he's still here): WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!
(Elliott wets his pants again!)
(The sparks dissipate harmlessly.)
Elliott: Um... or not...
(Micha picks up the Rusty Sword and a pretty marble.)
*Got Sword's Orb!*
Jema(faintly): Bah. Wait there, I'll pull you out...
Micha: WHY DIDN'T YOU PULL US OUT EARLIER?!
Jema(faintly): Because I'm a sadistic creep.
Micha: Oh.
Potos Village
(Jema pulls Micha and Elliott out of the Giant Pit.)
Jema: Hey everyone! Look at Elliott's pants!
(Jema dances in a circle around Elliott.)
Jema: Elliott's a pansy! Elliott's a pansy!!
(Elliott sniffles.)
Elliott: No I'm NOT!! Whaaaahh!!
(Elliott runs away like the pansy that he is.)
(Jema turns to Micha.)
Jema: So, anyway, that appears to be the real Mana Sword.
Micha: Huh? What?
Jema: The Mana Sword. Like you know, the sharp, pointy shiny thing that you stick into soft things and they go squish and bleed-
Micha: No, that was more like a sort of general "Huh? What? I'm confused" kinda thing.
Jema: ...Oh. Okay. Anyway, the Mana Sword is supposed to be pulled out by a great knight in times of great trouble. The problem is, YOU got there first, and you were able to pull it out. One of those Powers that Be up there must have fucked up majorly, and now the world is doomed.
Micha: Thanks for the encouragement.
Jema: No prob! Also, the world is doomed.
Micha: Um... well... then... here! You take it!
(Micha offers the Rusty Sword to Jema.)
Jema: Sorry, but that piece of shit has already lost its power, and you've got to go re-energize it. You're the only one that can do that.
Micha: Oh.
Jema: And like I said, the world is doomed.
Micha: What should I do?
Jema: Go visit Sage Luka in the Water Palace. She's been protecting these lands for over 2 quadrillion years. Not that it matters now since some bumbling fool pulled out the sword, and the world is doomed. DOOMED!!
Micha: Why do I get the feeling that you don't have faith in me?
(Timothy runs over.)
Timothy: MICHA! The elder wants you!
Jema: Ooh! Kinky!
(Timothy glances at Jema.)
Timothy: Um... MICHA! The elder wants... to TALK... to you!
Jema: Damn.
(Jema snaps his fingers.)
Jema: Well, I have to be off. Oh, and by the way, my name is Jema. But you can call me Big Poppa. Or Shirley. Whichever you prefer. Though I do prefer Shirley myself.
Micha: Um... okay.
(Jema waves cheerfully and departs to the South.)
Elder's House
Villager #1: We can't go on like this!
Villager #2: There's no relief in sight!
Villager #3: We've just GOT to sell our oil to those capitalist American bastards or our people will starve!
Elder: No! NO!
Villager #2: Or we could kick people out of the village and leave them alone and defenseless to starve in the wilderness.
Elder: Yes! This idea I like!
Villager #4: Kick Micha out! Kick Micha out!
(Micha runs in.)
Micha: Yo! I'm here!
Villagers: GET OUT!
Micha: But you just said-
Villagers: YOU'RE BANISHED!
Micha: Geez, bitches.
Elder: Wait!
(Sad music begins to play.)
Elder: I don't want to do this, but I have no choice... I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I took you and I raised you... blah blah blah... blah blah blah... blah blah... blah blah your mother blah blah... blah blah blah... and I really wish you didn't have to go, but if you really must go on your quest-
Micha: So I can stay if I want to?
Elder: GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THIS TOWN RIGHT NOW, BITCH!!
Micha: Meep.
(Micha runs out of the Elder's house.)
Villagers: W00t!!
(The villagers give each other high fives.)
Potos Village
Village guard: So do you have everything you need?
Micha: Um... no, not really.
Village guard: Well too bad.
(The village guard boots Micha out of the town!)
Village guard: You are hereby banished from the village of Potos. Don't come back.
Micha: Say...
Village guard: What?
Micha: Are you going to be here at night, too?
Village guard: I guess. I don't sleep. Ever. It's kinda strange, now that I think about it-
Micha: Is it possible, though? That you could sleep?
Village guard: I suppose...
Micha: What if, say, one day, you went to sleep for once, because you knew there was going to be... ahem... money, under your pillow, you know?
Village guard: Huh?
Micha: That a certain someone, like me, for example, would put there so he could get back into town?
Village guard: What?
Micha: I'M BRIBING YOU, YOU IDIOT!
Village guard: Look, just calm down-
Micha: CALM DOWN?! I'M ONLY GOING TO BE FRIGGIN' HOMELESS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE-
Village guard: Geez, I can see why they banished you. Ass.
Micha: ARGGGHHH! FORGET IT! JUST FORGET IT!!!
(Micha picks up his sword and trudges on towards the Water Palace.)