Disclaimer: The poem "Non Sum Qualis Eram Bonae Sub Regno Cynarae" does
not belong to me.
A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews, they've been wonderful, and I really appreciate them. This chapter is quite long, and probably my favorite so just sit back, and hope you enjoy.
~
//Last night, ah, yesternight, betwixt her lips and mine
There fell thy shadow, Cynara! thy breath was shed//
Chris had managed to get Stephanie to come with him to dinner, so they could talk some more. They were now in his car driving back to Manchester, where Stephanie had been living. He kept stealing glances at her when she wasn't looking. It was all so surreal. Stephanie was actually sitting next to him.
She was still beautiful. Her long brown hair was cut shorter, a little bit past her shoulders, and it had blond highlights in them. But for the most part, she was still Stephanie. She didn't even really act that differently. She was a little more soft-spoken now, she hadn't used the screechy voice since they had started talking, causing him to not recognize her voice. But she still had that stubbornness and confidence that he had always loved about her.
He noticed that she kept looking at the little girl in the backseat. He couldn't blame her for wanting to look at Regan. If he had no memory, and had just found out he had a beautiful little girl like Regan, he'd be staring at her too.
//Upon my soul between the kisses and the wine;
And I was desolate and sick of an old passion,//
"So, where do you live?" Chris asked her, trying to make conversation.
"I own a flat in the city," she told him, "And you?"
"We have a house in Connecticut."
"Really? Is it nice?"
"Well, it's a bit cluttered with toys," he said chuckling, "But for the most part yeah."
"Why Connecticut?"
"It's hard to explain, but basically that's where the company we work for is based, and it's where your family lives."
"Oh, I see. Do you have any pictures of my family?"
"Yeah, I do, we can look at them at dinner, is that ok with you?"
"Yeah, sure," she said looking back again at Regan, who was still out like a light.
"She missed her nap yesterday," Chris explained to her, "That's why she's so tired today."
"Oh," Stephanie said.
//Yea, I was desolate and bowed my head:
I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion.//
Chris turned back to his thoughts, letting Stephanie think for a while. He wanted his Stephanie back, but if he wanted that, he had to do it himself. He didn't want to call Vince, and get his hopes up about the whole thing, and it would be better to tell him in person. He would just have to call him, and tell him he couldn't make it tomorrow. He grabbed his cell phone, and dialed Vince's number.
"Hey Vince," Chris said when the phone was picked up.
"Chris, hello, how are you?" Vince asked, concerned with how things had gone.
"Actually, I'm really good," he said, sending a glance over to Stephanie.
"Good, good, so why are you calling?"
"Vince, I need to ask you a huge favor."
"What?" he asked suspiciously.
"I need to skip the signing tomorrow," he said hesitantly.
"What? Why?"
"There's someone here I want to get to know better," he said, trying not to give anything away.
"You met a girl?" Vince asked incredulously. It was a well-known fact that Chris hadn't dated anybody since Stephanie's death, and he hadn't ever wanted to.
"Yeah, I guess you can say that."
"Well, I'm happy for you," Vince said truthfully. He knew that Stephanie was gone, and Chris had to move on. And maybe get a mother for Regan.
"So you're cool with it?"
"Yeah, go have fun."
"Wow, thanks Vince. Bye"
"Bye."
//All night upon mine heart I felt her warm heart beat,
Night-long within mine arms in love and sleep she lay;//
Chris smiled as he got off the phone. He hadn't expected Vince to be so nice about it. He thought maybe Vince would feel offended if he thought Chris was going out with another woman when he had been married to Stephanie. But then again, he didn't know the truth of the situation.
"Who was that?"
"My boss."
"Ok."
"And your father," Chris said looking at her reaction. She seemed a bit surprised.
"Your boss is my father?"
"Yeah."
"What do you do?"
"It'll probably be better if I explain that at dinner."
"Ok," she said smiling slightly.
//Surely the kisses of her bought red mouth were sweet;
But I was desolate and sick of an old passion,//
They arrived at a decent looking restaurant that Stephanie had recommended, and Chris proceeded to wake Regan up in the back seat as Stephanie looked on. He gently shook the little girl. Regan opened her eyes slowly.
"Hey there baby, do you want some dinner?" he asked her softly. Regan yawned and smiled brightly at him.
"Yay!" she yelled.
"I guess that means yes," he said laughing. Stephanie smiled as she heard the precocious two-year old for the first time. Chris lifted her out of her seat, and put her down outside.
"Where eat?" she asked looking around.
"Hold my hand, and we'll go ok?"
"Kay," she told him, grabbing onto Chris's hand, holding it tightly.
"And we have a very special person joining us for dinner tonight," he said kneeling down to her level, as he brushed some of her tousled hair back.
"Who?" she asked excited. She loved being around people. Stephanie kneeled down as well, and spoke to Regan.
"Hi, I'm going to be having dinner with you, is that ok?" Stephanie said smiling. Regan furrowed her brow thinking for a second before going closer to Chris.
"Daddy, she look like Mama," Regan whispered to him, even though Stephanie could still hear her. Chris laughed at her innocence.
"I know sweetie, I know, but this is Emma," Chris explained to her, not wanting to confuse the child before he and Stephanie worked things out. He also didn't want to get her hopes up, or his for that matter.
"Hi Emma, I Regan," she said. She stuck her hand out like she had seen her grandfather do all the time. Stephanie shook the child's hand.
"Hi Regan, it's very nice to meet you," Stephanie said.
//When I awoke and found the dawn was gray;
I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion.//
They walked into the restaurant and got a table. Regan was currently scribbling all over the placemats they had with the crayons Kurt had given her. Chris looked at her for a moment, before turning his attentions to Stephanie.
"You're great with her," Stephanie told him.
"Thanks, I don't know what I'd do without her."
"She, um, looks like me," Stephanie said, not sure how Chris would react to her saying that.
"Yeah, she acts like you too, or at least how you used to act."
"So about this whole situation..." her voice trailed off.
"Yeah...."
"I guess I'm your wife then."
"I guess so," he said laughing nervously.
"I'm sorry I don't remember any of it," she said apologetically.
"It's not your fault." He wanted to grab her hand and reassure her, but he didn't know how she would feel about that.
"I guess not, but I feel terribly guilty for not being able to remember you."
"Don't. Did you want to know about your family?"
"It would be nice yeah?"
"Well, your father's name is Vince, and your mother's name is Linda. You have a brother named Shane."
"I see, and what do they do, you said my father was your boss."
"Your family owns World Wrestling Entertainment."
"You mean my family owns a wrestling company, but wrestling is so fake and stupid."
"You used to work there, in fact, the reason you were in England in the first place was to go on a promotional tour for the company."
"Really?" she asked surprised.
"Yeah."
"And you, what do you do?"
"I'm a wrestler."
"Oh, I'm sorry I insulted it then," she said turning red from embarrassment.
"It's ok, you don't have to keep apologizing."
She nodded her head in response. Regan looked up from her seat and took the placemat she had been drawing on and handed it to Stephanie.
"Here you go," Regan said.
"Thank you," Stephanie said looking at the scribbles on it.
"It a flower, you look sad, I give you picture," Regan said proudly.
"Well, now I'm happy," Stephanie said smiling at her child, even though she couldn't remember her. Regan nodded, grabbed Chris's placemat, and started scribbling over that one.
"She just got new crayons the other day," Chris explained, "They're from her favorite person."
//I have forgot much, Cynara! gone with the wind,
Flung roses, roses riotously with the throng,//
She nodded as their waiter came to take their orders. He took down everything they wanted. The waiter left, and Chris looked at Stephanie and smiled. Even now, she was so predictable, she had ordered her favorite meal, a chicken sandwich with extra barbeque sauce, no onions or lettuce, and French fries with parmesan cheese sprinkled on top. He laughed softly.
"What's so funny?" she asked him, cocking her head to the side.
"Nothing, it's just that's your favorite meal," he told her.
"I guess I was a predictable person."
"Nah, you always kept me on my toes."
"So how did we meet?"
"I came into the company from a rival one, and we became friends. And then that just turned into more."
"I see," she said nodding, "And how long had we been married? You know before?"
"Two years, and we were together for a year before that."
"Wow. So we've been married for four years?"
"Yeah, even though I thought you were dead, and you don't remember the last two," he said giving her a smile. She smiled softly back at him.
//Dancing, to put thy pale, lost lilies out of mind;
But I was desolate and sick of an old passion,//
Chris was still in shock that he was sitting across from his Stephanie. Granted she didn't remember anything, but he still had her here. He couldn't believe he was actually awake, he had had dreams like this before, only to wake up to the cold reality of his life. And now she was truly here.
"So, do you have pictures of my family?"
"Oh yeah, of course," he said, reaching into his pocket, pulling out his wallet. He opened it up and started showing her pictures. A lot of the pictures were of Regan, understandably. He flipped to one of Stephanie, him, and her family from their wedding.
"This is your family," he told her. She looked at them, her brow furrowing, trying to conjure up anything that she might remember.
"I assume this was our wedding," she said quietly.
"Yeah."
"It looks like it was nice."
"Well your father pulled out all the stops, nothing was too good for you."
"He sounds like a good man."
"Sometimes," Chris said laughing to himself, thinking about Vince.
"I wish I could remember, it seems like I had a good life."
"Yeah."
//Yea, all the time, because the dance was long;
I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion.//
Their food came then, and they both ate silently, occasionally engaging in some chit-chat. Stephanie watched as Chris helped Regan with her food. He was so good with the little girl. Stephanie wished that she was able to feel something for the two of them, to remember what it had been like before. But she just felt like she was an outsider looking in.
After they ate, Stephanie turned to him, her face serious. She had to tell him something, and she wasn't sure how he would take it. She saw him letting Regan lay down in the booth, obviously still tired, and it was getting late in the evening.
"Chris." He turned to her.
"Yeah?"
"Where do we go from here?"
"I don't know," Chris answered truthfully. He wanted his Stephanie back, but he couldn't force it out of her.
"Chris can I tell you something honestly?" she asked.
"Of course," he said sincerely.
"I'm not Stephanie," Chris looked at her confused, "No, I mean, I may be Stephanie, in name, but I'm not that woman anymore. I can't remember ever being that woman, and I may never again. I'm sitting here looking at these pictures of myself with my family and I don't even know them. And you, I don't even remember loving you, or being with you. You're just someone I met on the street who happened to know me. And as much as I love the thought of being a mother, I don't know that little girl. Frankly, I have no feelings whatsoever."
"But hopefully eventually you would remember," Chris said, trying to reason with her, not liking where she was going with this.
"I'm Emma Branson, that's who I remember being. I really want to remember, believe me, it seems like my old life was fantastic, but that's what it was, my old life. I have a new one that I'm quite comfortable with. I can't have all this shoved on me at once, I'm sorry."
"What are you saying?"
"Maybe, maybe it would be better if I just stayed dead-"
"But-" Chris interrupted.
"Please let me finish. I'm happy now, I am. And you look like you're fine, and it would only hurt everyone involved if I suddenly came back, except I couldn't remember. I might NEVER get my memory back, and I might never feel for any of you what you feel for me. So in a way, Stephanie is dead. So why don't we just keep it that way?"
//I cried for madder music and for stronger wine,
But when the feast is finished and the lamps expire,//
Chris felt like he was losing Stephanie all over again. She was right of course. She wasn't really Stephanie, and she might not be ever again. He loved a woman that didn't exist anymore. She was someone else in Stephanie's body. But he still didn't want to give her up. There was always the chance that she would remember.
"But I love you, I can't let you leave again. Do you even know what it's been like for me?"
Stephanie cast her eyes down, "No."
"I went for two years thinking the love of my life died. And I didn't even get to say goodbye, do you know how that feels? To lose someone, and not get to tell them what they meant to you, how much you loved them. I had to live thinking my wife was dead, that the other half of my soul was gone, do you know how painful that is? I had to take care of a baby by myself. And I woke up every morning thinking that the only thing I woke up for was my daughter. I had to remind myself to breathe because every day I hurt. I suffered so much in the last couple years."
"I know, and I'm sorry, but that doesn't change anything."
"But you can still get your memory back, and maybe if you came home with me it would trigger it."
"I don't think so, I don't want to be found. Let's just let Stephanie die ok? Please?"
Chris looked into her eyes, and he didn't see Stephanie. He saw a completely different person. No matter how much she acted like her old self, Chris realized that she wasn't her old self. Maybe he really did have to let go. At least this time he would be able to say goodbye.
"Ok," Chris said slowly, sadly.
"Thank you," she said gratefully.
//Then falls thy shadow, Cynara! the night is thine;
And I was desolate and sick of an old passion,//
They left the restaurant, and Chris drove Stephanie back to her flat. All throughout the drive, Chris couldn't help but look over at Stephanie every so often. If this was the last time he was going to see her, he wanted to remember every last detail.
He felt his heart constrict at the thought of losing her again. It had been bad the first time, but now, now he knew she was out there. He knew that his Stephanie was out there, but not with him. The thought of her with other men, being with someone else, getting married and having kids without him made his heart ache. He would die alone, and she would move on, and undoubtedly forget that she ever even had a previous life.
He pulled up a few blocks away from her apartment building, and went out to open the door for her. He took Regan out of her car seat, and proceeded to walk Stephanie to her door. He wanted to spend every moment that he could with her. Even if she didn't remember who she was, Chris did. And Chris could never forget her, like she would him.
"So I guess this is it," she said, turning to face him.
"Yeah, I guess so," he said looking down.
"I'm really sorry about all of this," she said looking at him, and Regan who was standing beside him.
"It's ok, you didn't know," he said actually meaning what he said.
"Goodbye Regan," Stephanie said kneeling down to her level.
"You keep my picture?" Regan asked.
"I'll keep it for always," Stephanie told her, holding on to it with one hand.
"Ok...Bye-bye," she said smiling at her. Stepahanie kissed Regan's forehead before rising.
"Well, I'm going to go now, it was nice meeting you, and at least finding out about my past. It's a real reassurance. I guess you'll want this back," she said, starting to take her wedding ring off her finger.
"No, it's yours, I gave it to you, keep it," he protested, knowing he would lose all control if he had to take her wedding ring back. It was the only physical link Stephanie had to their marriage, and he wanted her to have it.
"Ok."
He took out his wallet and fished out a picture of the three of them from before Stephanie left on that infamous trip. They were all smiling, and he looked at the picture a moment before looking back up at Stephanie.
"Here, this is for you," he said giving her the picture, wanting her to at least have a little piece of him and Regan to keep forever.
"What's this for?" she asked taking the picture from his hand, pausing to look at it a moment.
"Just something for you to remember us by. If you ever feel lonely or unloved, you can look at it and know that there's at least two people out there who love you more than life itself."
"Thank you," she said genuinely.
"Goodbye Emma," he told her, not wanting to use the name Stephanie. This wasn't Stephanie.
"Goodbye Chris."
//Yea hungry for the lips of my desire:
I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion.//
Before he could stop himself, Chris brushed away a lock of hair that was blocking her face. He let his hand run down, and cup her cheek. He leaned in and kissed her softly. He just wanted to kiss her one last time, something he had been denied of the last time. He felt Stephanie kiss him back briefly, and for a moment, he could really believe that she was here, but he reminded himself that she wasn't and he pulled away.
"Bye," she said, ducking her head. Chris started to walk towards his car, bending down to pick up Regan.
"Goodbye Stephanie," he whispered to himself, letting her go once and for all.
THE END
...
...
Just kidding! There's still more to come!
A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews, they've been wonderful, and I really appreciate them. This chapter is quite long, and probably my favorite so just sit back, and hope you enjoy.
~
//Last night, ah, yesternight, betwixt her lips and mine
There fell thy shadow, Cynara! thy breath was shed//
Chris had managed to get Stephanie to come with him to dinner, so they could talk some more. They were now in his car driving back to Manchester, where Stephanie had been living. He kept stealing glances at her when she wasn't looking. It was all so surreal. Stephanie was actually sitting next to him.
She was still beautiful. Her long brown hair was cut shorter, a little bit past her shoulders, and it had blond highlights in them. But for the most part, she was still Stephanie. She didn't even really act that differently. She was a little more soft-spoken now, she hadn't used the screechy voice since they had started talking, causing him to not recognize her voice. But she still had that stubbornness and confidence that he had always loved about her.
He noticed that she kept looking at the little girl in the backseat. He couldn't blame her for wanting to look at Regan. If he had no memory, and had just found out he had a beautiful little girl like Regan, he'd be staring at her too.
//Upon my soul between the kisses and the wine;
And I was desolate and sick of an old passion,//
"So, where do you live?" Chris asked her, trying to make conversation.
"I own a flat in the city," she told him, "And you?"
"We have a house in Connecticut."
"Really? Is it nice?"
"Well, it's a bit cluttered with toys," he said chuckling, "But for the most part yeah."
"Why Connecticut?"
"It's hard to explain, but basically that's where the company we work for is based, and it's where your family lives."
"Oh, I see. Do you have any pictures of my family?"
"Yeah, I do, we can look at them at dinner, is that ok with you?"
"Yeah, sure," she said looking back again at Regan, who was still out like a light.
"She missed her nap yesterday," Chris explained to her, "That's why she's so tired today."
"Oh," Stephanie said.
//Yea, I was desolate and bowed my head:
I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion.//
Chris turned back to his thoughts, letting Stephanie think for a while. He wanted his Stephanie back, but if he wanted that, he had to do it himself. He didn't want to call Vince, and get his hopes up about the whole thing, and it would be better to tell him in person. He would just have to call him, and tell him he couldn't make it tomorrow. He grabbed his cell phone, and dialed Vince's number.
"Hey Vince," Chris said when the phone was picked up.
"Chris, hello, how are you?" Vince asked, concerned with how things had gone.
"Actually, I'm really good," he said, sending a glance over to Stephanie.
"Good, good, so why are you calling?"
"Vince, I need to ask you a huge favor."
"What?" he asked suspiciously.
"I need to skip the signing tomorrow," he said hesitantly.
"What? Why?"
"There's someone here I want to get to know better," he said, trying not to give anything away.
"You met a girl?" Vince asked incredulously. It was a well-known fact that Chris hadn't dated anybody since Stephanie's death, and he hadn't ever wanted to.
"Yeah, I guess you can say that."
"Well, I'm happy for you," Vince said truthfully. He knew that Stephanie was gone, and Chris had to move on. And maybe get a mother for Regan.
"So you're cool with it?"
"Yeah, go have fun."
"Wow, thanks Vince. Bye"
"Bye."
//All night upon mine heart I felt her warm heart beat,
Night-long within mine arms in love and sleep she lay;//
Chris smiled as he got off the phone. He hadn't expected Vince to be so nice about it. He thought maybe Vince would feel offended if he thought Chris was going out with another woman when he had been married to Stephanie. But then again, he didn't know the truth of the situation.
"Who was that?"
"My boss."
"Ok."
"And your father," Chris said looking at her reaction. She seemed a bit surprised.
"Your boss is my father?"
"Yeah."
"What do you do?"
"It'll probably be better if I explain that at dinner."
"Ok," she said smiling slightly.
//Surely the kisses of her bought red mouth were sweet;
But I was desolate and sick of an old passion,//
They arrived at a decent looking restaurant that Stephanie had recommended, and Chris proceeded to wake Regan up in the back seat as Stephanie looked on. He gently shook the little girl. Regan opened her eyes slowly.
"Hey there baby, do you want some dinner?" he asked her softly. Regan yawned and smiled brightly at him.
"Yay!" she yelled.
"I guess that means yes," he said laughing. Stephanie smiled as she heard the precocious two-year old for the first time. Chris lifted her out of her seat, and put her down outside.
"Where eat?" she asked looking around.
"Hold my hand, and we'll go ok?"
"Kay," she told him, grabbing onto Chris's hand, holding it tightly.
"And we have a very special person joining us for dinner tonight," he said kneeling down to her level, as he brushed some of her tousled hair back.
"Who?" she asked excited. She loved being around people. Stephanie kneeled down as well, and spoke to Regan.
"Hi, I'm going to be having dinner with you, is that ok?" Stephanie said smiling. Regan furrowed her brow thinking for a second before going closer to Chris.
"Daddy, she look like Mama," Regan whispered to him, even though Stephanie could still hear her. Chris laughed at her innocence.
"I know sweetie, I know, but this is Emma," Chris explained to her, not wanting to confuse the child before he and Stephanie worked things out. He also didn't want to get her hopes up, or his for that matter.
"Hi Emma, I Regan," she said. She stuck her hand out like she had seen her grandfather do all the time. Stephanie shook the child's hand.
"Hi Regan, it's very nice to meet you," Stephanie said.
//When I awoke and found the dawn was gray;
I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion.//
They walked into the restaurant and got a table. Regan was currently scribbling all over the placemats they had with the crayons Kurt had given her. Chris looked at her for a moment, before turning his attentions to Stephanie.
"You're great with her," Stephanie told him.
"Thanks, I don't know what I'd do without her."
"She, um, looks like me," Stephanie said, not sure how Chris would react to her saying that.
"Yeah, she acts like you too, or at least how you used to act."
"So about this whole situation..." her voice trailed off.
"Yeah...."
"I guess I'm your wife then."
"I guess so," he said laughing nervously.
"I'm sorry I don't remember any of it," she said apologetically.
"It's not your fault." He wanted to grab her hand and reassure her, but he didn't know how she would feel about that.
"I guess not, but I feel terribly guilty for not being able to remember you."
"Don't. Did you want to know about your family?"
"It would be nice yeah?"
"Well, your father's name is Vince, and your mother's name is Linda. You have a brother named Shane."
"I see, and what do they do, you said my father was your boss."
"Your family owns World Wrestling Entertainment."
"You mean my family owns a wrestling company, but wrestling is so fake and stupid."
"You used to work there, in fact, the reason you were in England in the first place was to go on a promotional tour for the company."
"Really?" she asked surprised.
"Yeah."
"And you, what do you do?"
"I'm a wrestler."
"Oh, I'm sorry I insulted it then," she said turning red from embarrassment.
"It's ok, you don't have to keep apologizing."
She nodded her head in response. Regan looked up from her seat and took the placemat she had been drawing on and handed it to Stephanie.
"Here you go," Regan said.
"Thank you," Stephanie said looking at the scribbles on it.
"It a flower, you look sad, I give you picture," Regan said proudly.
"Well, now I'm happy," Stephanie said smiling at her child, even though she couldn't remember her. Regan nodded, grabbed Chris's placemat, and started scribbling over that one.
"She just got new crayons the other day," Chris explained, "They're from her favorite person."
//I have forgot much, Cynara! gone with the wind,
Flung roses, roses riotously with the throng,//
She nodded as their waiter came to take their orders. He took down everything they wanted. The waiter left, and Chris looked at Stephanie and smiled. Even now, she was so predictable, she had ordered her favorite meal, a chicken sandwich with extra barbeque sauce, no onions or lettuce, and French fries with parmesan cheese sprinkled on top. He laughed softly.
"What's so funny?" she asked him, cocking her head to the side.
"Nothing, it's just that's your favorite meal," he told her.
"I guess I was a predictable person."
"Nah, you always kept me on my toes."
"So how did we meet?"
"I came into the company from a rival one, and we became friends. And then that just turned into more."
"I see," she said nodding, "And how long had we been married? You know before?"
"Two years, and we were together for a year before that."
"Wow. So we've been married for four years?"
"Yeah, even though I thought you were dead, and you don't remember the last two," he said giving her a smile. She smiled softly back at him.
//Dancing, to put thy pale, lost lilies out of mind;
But I was desolate and sick of an old passion,//
Chris was still in shock that he was sitting across from his Stephanie. Granted she didn't remember anything, but he still had her here. He couldn't believe he was actually awake, he had had dreams like this before, only to wake up to the cold reality of his life. And now she was truly here.
"So, do you have pictures of my family?"
"Oh yeah, of course," he said, reaching into his pocket, pulling out his wallet. He opened it up and started showing her pictures. A lot of the pictures were of Regan, understandably. He flipped to one of Stephanie, him, and her family from their wedding.
"This is your family," he told her. She looked at them, her brow furrowing, trying to conjure up anything that she might remember.
"I assume this was our wedding," she said quietly.
"Yeah."
"It looks like it was nice."
"Well your father pulled out all the stops, nothing was too good for you."
"He sounds like a good man."
"Sometimes," Chris said laughing to himself, thinking about Vince.
"I wish I could remember, it seems like I had a good life."
"Yeah."
//Yea, all the time, because the dance was long;
I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion.//
Their food came then, and they both ate silently, occasionally engaging in some chit-chat. Stephanie watched as Chris helped Regan with her food. He was so good with the little girl. Stephanie wished that she was able to feel something for the two of them, to remember what it had been like before. But she just felt like she was an outsider looking in.
After they ate, Stephanie turned to him, her face serious. She had to tell him something, and she wasn't sure how he would take it. She saw him letting Regan lay down in the booth, obviously still tired, and it was getting late in the evening.
"Chris." He turned to her.
"Yeah?"
"Where do we go from here?"
"I don't know," Chris answered truthfully. He wanted his Stephanie back, but he couldn't force it out of her.
"Chris can I tell you something honestly?" she asked.
"Of course," he said sincerely.
"I'm not Stephanie," Chris looked at her confused, "No, I mean, I may be Stephanie, in name, but I'm not that woman anymore. I can't remember ever being that woman, and I may never again. I'm sitting here looking at these pictures of myself with my family and I don't even know them. And you, I don't even remember loving you, or being with you. You're just someone I met on the street who happened to know me. And as much as I love the thought of being a mother, I don't know that little girl. Frankly, I have no feelings whatsoever."
"But hopefully eventually you would remember," Chris said, trying to reason with her, not liking where she was going with this.
"I'm Emma Branson, that's who I remember being. I really want to remember, believe me, it seems like my old life was fantastic, but that's what it was, my old life. I have a new one that I'm quite comfortable with. I can't have all this shoved on me at once, I'm sorry."
"What are you saying?"
"Maybe, maybe it would be better if I just stayed dead-"
"But-" Chris interrupted.
"Please let me finish. I'm happy now, I am. And you look like you're fine, and it would only hurt everyone involved if I suddenly came back, except I couldn't remember. I might NEVER get my memory back, and I might never feel for any of you what you feel for me. So in a way, Stephanie is dead. So why don't we just keep it that way?"
//I cried for madder music and for stronger wine,
But when the feast is finished and the lamps expire,//
Chris felt like he was losing Stephanie all over again. She was right of course. She wasn't really Stephanie, and she might not be ever again. He loved a woman that didn't exist anymore. She was someone else in Stephanie's body. But he still didn't want to give her up. There was always the chance that she would remember.
"But I love you, I can't let you leave again. Do you even know what it's been like for me?"
Stephanie cast her eyes down, "No."
"I went for two years thinking the love of my life died. And I didn't even get to say goodbye, do you know how that feels? To lose someone, and not get to tell them what they meant to you, how much you loved them. I had to live thinking my wife was dead, that the other half of my soul was gone, do you know how painful that is? I had to take care of a baby by myself. And I woke up every morning thinking that the only thing I woke up for was my daughter. I had to remind myself to breathe because every day I hurt. I suffered so much in the last couple years."
"I know, and I'm sorry, but that doesn't change anything."
"But you can still get your memory back, and maybe if you came home with me it would trigger it."
"I don't think so, I don't want to be found. Let's just let Stephanie die ok? Please?"
Chris looked into her eyes, and he didn't see Stephanie. He saw a completely different person. No matter how much she acted like her old self, Chris realized that she wasn't her old self. Maybe he really did have to let go. At least this time he would be able to say goodbye.
"Ok," Chris said slowly, sadly.
"Thank you," she said gratefully.
//Then falls thy shadow, Cynara! the night is thine;
And I was desolate and sick of an old passion,//
They left the restaurant, and Chris drove Stephanie back to her flat. All throughout the drive, Chris couldn't help but look over at Stephanie every so often. If this was the last time he was going to see her, he wanted to remember every last detail.
He felt his heart constrict at the thought of losing her again. It had been bad the first time, but now, now he knew she was out there. He knew that his Stephanie was out there, but not with him. The thought of her with other men, being with someone else, getting married and having kids without him made his heart ache. He would die alone, and she would move on, and undoubtedly forget that she ever even had a previous life.
He pulled up a few blocks away from her apartment building, and went out to open the door for her. He took Regan out of her car seat, and proceeded to walk Stephanie to her door. He wanted to spend every moment that he could with her. Even if she didn't remember who she was, Chris did. And Chris could never forget her, like she would him.
"So I guess this is it," she said, turning to face him.
"Yeah, I guess so," he said looking down.
"I'm really sorry about all of this," she said looking at him, and Regan who was standing beside him.
"It's ok, you didn't know," he said actually meaning what he said.
"Goodbye Regan," Stephanie said kneeling down to her level.
"You keep my picture?" Regan asked.
"I'll keep it for always," Stephanie told her, holding on to it with one hand.
"Ok...Bye-bye," she said smiling at her. Stepahanie kissed Regan's forehead before rising.
"Well, I'm going to go now, it was nice meeting you, and at least finding out about my past. It's a real reassurance. I guess you'll want this back," she said, starting to take her wedding ring off her finger.
"No, it's yours, I gave it to you, keep it," he protested, knowing he would lose all control if he had to take her wedding ring back. It was the only physical link Stephanie had to their marriage, and he wanted her to have it.
"Ok."
He took out his wallet and fished out a picture of the three of them from before Stephanie left on that infamous trip. They were all smiling, and he looked at the picture a moment before looking back up at Stephanie.
"Here, this is for you," he said giving her the picture, wanting her to at least have a little piece of him and Regan to keep forever.
"What's this for?" she asked taking the picture from his hand, pausing to look at it a moment.
"Just something for you to remember us by. If you ever feel lonely or unloved, you can look at it and know that there's at least two people out there who love you more than life itself."
"Thank you," she said genuinely.
"Goodbye Emma," he told her, not wanting to use the name Stephanie. This wasn't Stephanie.
"Goodbye Chris."
//Yea hungry for the lips of my desire:
I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion.//
Before he could stop himself, Chris brushed away a lock of hair that was blocking her face. He let his hand run down, and cup her cheek. He leaned in and kissed her softly. He just wanted to kiss her one last time, something he had been denied of the last time. He felt Stephanie kiss him back briefly, and for a moment, he could really believe that she was here, but he reminded himself that she wasn't and he pulled away.
"Bye," she said, ducking her head. Chris started to walk towards his car, bending down to pick up Regan.
"Goodbye Stephanie," he whispered to himself, letting her go once and for all.
THE END
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Just kidding! There's still more to come!