Kuchi ni dasanai nozomi [unsaid wish]
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the great Minekura-sama. I just borrowed them without permission. ^^|
Warning: Seinin-ai and OOC. Long dialogs.
For those who gave reviews Domo Arigatou Gozamashita...
Dozo... Otanoshimi
Chapter 2 : Todokanai Yume
"Sanzo" he started then inhaled deeply "with everything I have I love you. Always".
The Blondie looked at him with his usual cynical face as if Hakkai didn't say anything surprising at all, then the monk took a long drag of his cigarette almost pretending that Hakkai wasn't there. He watched as Hakkai smiled his usual smile that made the world believe that everything was all right and that he wasn't suffering at all. That's one of those things that he admired about Hakkai.
Hakkai turned around and slowly retraced his steps. What did it matter if he must be hurt when all this beauty was out of his reach, refused to him, as Sanzo Genjo must be? He heard Sanzo's calm voice calling to him. He stopped but didn't turn around to look at Sanzo nor did he look over his shoulder to look at him. Then came the painful words in a cold voice "I have and will never love you".
Hakkai closed his eyes to stop the tears threatening to spill and inserted his hands in his pockets to hide its trembling. "I know but I just want you to know so I'd die happily" he said in an awfully strained voice. He opened his eyes and resumed walking casually as if he wasn't rejected. Few seconds ago he wished Sanzo would talk or give some reactions and now that he did, Hakkai wished Sanzo just remained silent. Like what he said, what did it matter to him if Sanzo is denied to him? Sanzo will always remain as his unreachable dream.
The second Sanzo returned to their camp, Gojyo could sense a tensed silence between the monk and his friend. And as they traveled the rest of kilometers towards a town Gojyo carried the greatest share of the conversational burden followed by Goku. But Gojyo had to do it anyway because he was afraid that the tense silence between the two would eat all of them alive. As for Goku he didn't know what was in the air but he knew he didn't like the silence that he felt.
Hakkai was sitting on the back porch of the lodge they were staying that night while his three companions were probably sleeping their rooms. He was staring at luscious stars decorating the cloudless sky and the bright full moon with its light standing out from the stars. Tonight was serene but Hakkai knew it was a serenity that precedes a violent rain. The wooden floor creaked under the pressure of the feet making Hakkai aware that somebody was walking towards him.
"What are you doing here? You should sleep Hakkai or don't you like the idea of us sharing the room?" Sanzo said as he sat quite faraway from Hakkai. Seconds later Hakkai can smell the nicotine-flavored smoke and could make out a smoke in the darkness.
Hakkai smiled at him. "I'm fine with the arrangement Sanzo. The heavenly bodies just beckoned me outside to admire their beauty just as I always do when Kana was still alive"
How the hell is he going to reply to that statement? Sanzo demanded mentally. He always had difficulty in giving a reply when Hakkai started talking about his beloved and dead Kana. He flinched inwardly as if his heart was given a deep cut and then was soak in a bowl of vinegar. Why the sudden heartache?
"San.zo… can I ask you a question?"
"As long as its not stupid" Sanzo grunted.
"Who are you living for?"
Silence...
"Chi~ That's a stupid question"
"I used to live for myself and then I met Kana. She was quiet annoying at first. She wanted to break the wall I carefully built around me. She successfully did and I realized then that I wanted to give my heart to a person and I wanted her to be that person". Hakkai said with sorrow, sadness and loneliness evident in his voice.
Silence again...
Sanzo grunted before saying "I used to live for my master too but when he died I realize that my hands were already full of taking care of myself. I live and will live for myself and I'll die for myself also."
Another silence
"I lived for her and I would have died for her also. I could have shared with her the pain and shame she'll go through when we returned to the village. It hurts to know that I couldn't save her twice but what hurts me most is that she left me all alone in this world. I cannot be me without her. I sacrificed everything even my humanity but still…"
Sanzo noticed that just like Gojyo and him, Hakkai was chained to an inescapable and irreversible past but the past's grip on Hakkai was tighter compared to theirs.
"There's nothing you can do but go on with all those woulds, ifs, coulds and shoulds of yours even if you are alone."
Hakkai sighed in acceptance "Thank you for listening Sanzo." Then he stood up " I better sleep now. Drivers cannot sleep while traveling unlike the passengers" he said amusingly.
Sanzo was left alone and then he stubbed his cigarette in frustration. 'Look at me Hakkai… Look into me and see my true emotions. Your Kana is dead but I am still alive. Alive and warm!' those were the words he wanted to scream at Hakkai.
~ FLASHBACK ~
Komyo was standing at the gateway of the temple looking happily at the couple - who visited him- descending their way to the long flight of stairs of the temple. At his right side standing two paces behind him as a sign of respect was Koryu.
"It is very often for people to find true love Koryu. If you find it then flaunt it." Then he looked at his favorite disciple with a smile on his face "Grow up and be strong Koryu so you'll know the true meaning of loving and being loved"
~ END OF FLASHBACK ~
How could he flaunt it? Sanzo wondered. Flaunting it was like offering Hakkai to all the demons bent in destroying Sanzo Genjo. Kill Hakkai and you've delivered Sanzo the greatest blow.
By dawn, rain started pouring down unceasingly. And much to the irritation of Sanzo and Hakkai the rain was still pouring down by morning preventing them from moving to the next town. They had no choice but to stay inside the lodge as the rain poured all day long and they have to stay there until the rain would stop.
Before midnight the rain had stop and minutes later as the clock stroke midnight Hakkai woke up for no reason at all. He placed his palm on his forehead as he realized what day today was. For few seconds he curled in a fetal position as his heart started beating in a beat that says 'Kana Kana Kana Kana Kana'. He felt like the walls started closing in on him and his breathing became shallow and quick. Darkness swirled around him and he felt so damned hot and he started sweating. In one silent and quick fluid motion he flung his blanket and went towards the window to open it.
Hakkai closed his eyes as cold wind rushed inside and refreshed his face. His sweat drying quickly.
Sanzo wasn't a heavy sleeper. He was awakened as soon as Hakkai flung his blanket. His body shivered involuntarily as the cold wind rushed inside and his hands immediately tightened its hold the blanket.
Hakkai looked outside although his right vision was blurry. Raindrops were hanging by the tip of the leaves, replacing those that have fallen to the small pools of water gathered beneath the leaves. And those fallen drops created ripples as they touched the water surface. Clouds still covered the bleak sky making it more bleak.
"Kana gomen" he whispered. Kana do you hate me for not saving you as much as I hate you for leaving me alone in this world or do you hate me more? He wondered. Are you mad at me just as I am mad at you for the same reasons? Hakkai clenched his fists as the same time another raindrop caused another ripple.
Sanzo silently get out from the bed as he realized that minutes had gone by and still Hakkai was standing. He stood five steps behind the green-eyed demon. Sleepiness was now gone replaced by something Sanzo don't want to name. He noticed that Hakkai's shoulders were shaking and he then realized that Hakkai had been quietly sobbing out of anguish all along. Hakkai must have felt his presence behind because he started talking almost in a whisper but Sanzo could hear him clearly.
"Your way of living… I can't accept it"
"huh?" Sanzo was the human epitome of surprise and confusion.
"I tried to be like you… tried to live like you. Tried to live for myself but no matter how hard I tried I still can't" Hakkai covered his face with his hand and slightly leaned forward. "Now that I've known the feeling of having someone by my side I refuse to go back to what I was before I met her. I refuse to be alone. I wanted her back… and if I can't, then please let me have an eternal sleep…"
All façades and pretensions were shed and at that particular moment Sanzo was no longer the cynical man… no longer Sanzo Genjo… no longer a monk or Koryu the river drifter. Sanzo breached the distance between them as he wrapped his arms around the crying Hakkai.
"Hakkai" he whispered soothingly and Hakkai accepted what Sanzo offered voluntarily.
Sanzo held Hakkai tight as sobs rocked his body. Hakkai raised his hands to grasp Sanzo's shirt but since he was wearing a spandex Hakkai grabbed nothing. And so the brown-haired demon settled in laying his hands against Sanzo's chest.
And when Hakkai had finished crying his heart out, Sanzo led him to bed and carefully tucked him. Then he sat on the bedside and braced his hands on both sides of Hakkai. He said the only thing that came to his mind "Shh… don't cry too much. You're a big boy now". And before he can stopped himself, he pressed a gentle kiss against Hakkai's forehead that surprised the latter. And when the kiss was registered on Sanzo's mind, the monk jerked backward as if he had been scorched.
"Arigatou Sanzo" Hakkai whispered before regret would cross the monk's face.
~~ Tsuzuku ~~
Author's notes: You guys must be wondering why Sanzo and Hakkai talked that night as if nothing happened. Well you see... even though Sanzo hurt Hakkai, the monk still wanted them to be in talking terms. Hakkai on the other hand, if Sanzo can't be his significant other then he's content with the friendship the monk is giving him. At least he had that than nothing at all, ne?