Who Wants To Be a Millionaire: Lord of the Rings Style
At the Who Wants To Be a Millionaire studio:
Regis: Welcome to Who Wants To Be a Millionaire! I'm your host, Regis Philbin, and tonight with us we have the Fellowship of the Ring!!!!!
The crowd cheers.
Regis: OK, let me formally introduce our contestants with us tonight! Aragorn…
Aragorn was very confused at what was going on because Legolas and Gimli had dragged him on the set.
Regis: … Legolas Greenleaf…
Legolas grinned happily.
Regis: … Gimli son of Gloin…
Gimli waved at everyone in the studio.
Regis: … Frodo Baggins…
Frodo smiled nervously.
Regis: … Samwise Gamgee…
Sam sunk low in his seat.
Regis: … Peregrin Took…
Pippin: **yelling to Regis** IT'S PIPPIN!!
Regis: Sheesh, sorry, PIPPIN!
Pippin: Hmph!
Regis: … Continuing on, Meriadoc Brandybuck…
Merry grinned, stood up, faced the audience, and bowed.
Regis: … Boromir…
There was silence.
Legolas: Uh.. dude, Boromir's dead.
Gandalf: **standing up** Regis Philbin, you are unfit to be the host of Who Wants to be a Millionaire! I'm taking over!
Gandalf hit Regis on the head with his staff, knocking him unconscious, and then went up and sat in Regis's chair.
Gandalf: Hiya folks, I'm Gandalf!
Audience: ………….
Gandalf: Anyway, let's get this shown on the road! Time for Quick Fingers, contestants! Get ready now… Here's the question: Put these events in order from first to last. Your choices are:
A) The making of Middle-Earth
B) The destruction of the One Ring
C) The creation of the One Ring
D) Me eating a ham sandwich five minutes ago
Good luck!
All the contestants quickly punched in their answers.
Gandalf: And the correct order is A) The making of Middle-Earth, C) The creation of the One Ring, B) The destruction of the One Ring, and D) Me eating a ham sandwich five minutes ago.
A list of the contestants' names appeared on a monitor. Legolas's, Aragorn's, and Sam's names lit up in blue, meaning that they had put the choices in the right order.
Gandalf: And in the fastest time, Sam in 3 seconds!
Sam nervously walked up to his chair on the stage.
Gandalf: But before we go on, why don't you tell us a little about yourself, Sam?
Sam: I..er..I..er..I..er..
Gandalf: Good for you. Are you ready for your first question?
Sam: …I guess…
Regis: OK, for $100, here's your first question: What month is the last in the year? Is it
A) June
B) March
C) December
D) February
Sam: Well… I'm not too sure about this.. but I think I'm going to go with C) December.
Gandalf: And you're absolutely correct!
Gimli (in the background): That was way too easy…
Gandalf: On to your $200 question. What animal lives in the water? Is it
A. Dog
B. Fish
C. Bird
D. Jackrabbit
Sam: … it's a fish…
Regis: That's absolutely… correct! You have $200!
Gimli (whispering to Legolas): Why are they giving him the easy questions?!
Gandalf: OK, for $300, here's your next question: Which of these sports is played in the Winter Olympics?
A) Tennis
B) Golf
C) Duck Duck Goose
D) Ice Hockey
Sam: Uh… I have no clue!
Gandalf: Oh, I'm so sorry Sam. The answer was D) Ice Hockey. Nice try!
Sam: Hmph! How was I supposed to know that?
Sam gladly ran off the stage and sat down in his very uncomfortable chair.
Gandalf: Now for round two of Quick Fingers! Contestants, here's your question! Put these countries in order from largest to smallest. Here are your choices:
A. England
B. America
C. Puerto Rico
D. China
Gandalf: And here are the correct answers: D-China, B-America, A-England, and C-Puerto Rico.
Only Legolas's name lit up on the monitor.
Legolas: Yes!! When I was little, I always dreamed of-
Crickets are heard chirping in the background. Everyone is looking at Legolas very, very strangely.
Legolas: Uh… as I was saying, YES!!
Legolas walked up to the stage and sat a chair.
Regis: OK, for your first question. In the nursery rhyme "Little Miss Muffet", what was Miss Muffet afraid of? Was it
A. Dog
B. Hippopotamus
C. Spider
D. Giraffe
Legolas: Hmm… I think I'm going to use my 50/50 on this one!
Sam: Huh? What? HEY! I'VE BEEN JIPPED! I DIDN'T GET TO USE MY LIFELINES!!!!
Gandalf: Heh heh.. oh, I'm sorry Sam! Well, anyway, Legolas… computer, please eliminate 2 of the answers, leaving the very obvious answer-
Legolas glared at Gandalf and reached behind him for his bow.
Gandalf: …and one wrong answer. Heh…
The computer eliminated answers A and D.
Legolas: I'm afraid I'll have to go with answer… er.. um.. uh… oh bloody! I can't do this!
Legolas ran off the stage.
Sam: Hmph! At least I tried…
Audience: … … … … … … …!
Gandalf: Well, the obvious answer to that question was choice C) a spider. And now it's time for another Quick Fingers. Are you ready? Here's your question. Put these planets in order from largest to smallest.
A. Pluto
B. Jupiter
C. Earth
D. Saturn
Gandalf: And the correct answers are B) Jupiter, D) Saturn, C) Earth, and A) Pluto.
Aragorn, Merry, and Pippin's names lit up.
Gandalf: And in the fastest time, Pippin in 0.5 seconds… 0.5 seconds?!
Pippin: I always knew I was smart!
Merry: **snort** Yea, right.. you probably guessed…
Pippin: Hey! Be quiet! Don't state the obvious, Merry!
Pippin went up on the stage and sat in one of those plastic blue chairs you find in a dentist's office.
Gandalf: Well, let's move on. For your $100 question, here goes. Which of these shapes has 4 90° angles?
A. Square
B. Rectangle
C. Triangle
D. Circle
Pippin: Uh… a circle?
Gandalf: **groaning** Oh, I am so sorry, Pippin… but the answer was A SQUARE, YOU IDIOT! A SQUARE!!!
Pippin: Well, you don't have to get angry with me! HMPH! I'm not coming back!
Merry: hey, wait up! Let's go to Mickey D's or something!
Merry and Pippin walked out of the studio, followed by Legolas and Sam who were also hungry.
Frodo: **stomach growls** I'm hungry too!
Frodo ran out of the studio, leaving just Gimli and Aragorn behind.
Gimli and Aragorn: …………………………
Gandalf: Er.. OK, time for the last Quick Finger…. Ahem. Put these fruits in order from largest to smallest:
A. Grapefruit
B. Pineapple
C. Grape
D. Watermelon
Gandalf: And the correct order was B) Pineapple, D) Watermelon, A) Grapefruit, and C) Grape.
Both Gimli and Aragorn's names lit up.
Gandalf: And the winner is Gimli, in 174.8 seconds………………
Gimli: ………
Aragorn: Darn it! You beat me! This game is rigged! I'm outta here!!!!
Aragorn ran out of the studio.
Everyone: …………………
Gandalf: Uh.. OK Gimli…. Here's you're first question……….. Which is more effective?
A. Hitting me on the head with a sledgehammer
B. Putting an old rotted banana under my nose
C. Making me wear pink bunny slippers
D. Breaking my cane
Gimli: Um… I think I'm going to go with C) Making you wear pink bunny slippers…
Gandalf: Oh, I'm sorry Gimli… you're absolutely CORRECT!!!
Gimli: Go me, go me..
Gandalf: And now for $200, in the nursery rhyme "Hickory Dickory Dock", what happened when the clock struck one?
A. The mouse had lunch
B. The mouse had fun
C. The mouse ran down
D. The mouse was eaten by a Stegosaurus
Gimli: …the mouse ran down…
Gandalf: That's right!
Things went pretty smoothly until Gimli's $64,000 question. He still had all his lifelines left.
Gandalf: What does the phrase "carpe diem" mean and what language is it?
A. Spanish for "eat the carp"
B. Latin for "seize the day"
C. German for "buy a carpet"
D. Elvish for "I like cows"
Gimli: Uhhhh… I'd like to poll the audience on this one.
Gandalf: OK audience, just pick up your button thingys and pick the right one!
The poll results were:
12% A
65% B
22% C
1% D
Gimli: Well, I'm certainly not going to go for letter D, so I think I'm going to go with… B-Latin for "seize the day."
Gandalf: You're absolutely correct! You have $64,000 and 2 lifelines left!
Gimli used up both his lifelines on his $125,000 question, and made it to his $1 million without much trouble.
George: OK, you've finally made it, Gimli. If you get this question right, you will have $1 million! Do you think you can handle it?
George: Definitely! Bring it on!
Gandalf: OK, for your $1 million question, here goes: Which of these books did Mark Twain NOT write? Was it
A. The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calavarous County and Other Sketches
B. The Prince and the Pauper
C. Life on the Mississippi
D. The Book of Nonsense
Gimli: Uh… um… uh…
Gandalf: You can walk away with the money if you wa-
Gimli: I'll do that!!
Gandalf: Good choice. You're walking away with $500,000. Do you want to know the answer to your
question?
Gimli (very happy): Sure!
Gandalf: The correct answer was D-The Book of Nonsense.
Gimli walked off the stage, carefully counting his money. Suddenly, there was a groan from Regis.
Regis: Where am I? Who am I?
Gandalf: You're an old fart who likes to steal from banks.
Regis: oh, OK!
Regis walked out of the studio, ready to rob a bank.
Gimli: Uh… yea…
Finé
(The end)
Author's note: Some of Regis's questions were taken from the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire game for Windows. Also, if I dissed anyone's favorite character… well, so sue me! Wait.. I'm forgetting something… Ah. If this fic may seem familiar to some of you, I also have written Who Wants to be a Millionaire: Beatles Style. Some phrases are from there.