I've never wanted to be anything but a SeeD, my whole life, that was the only thing I ever wanted to do with myself. Remember those plastic Gunblades the Leonhart kids and I used to beat the crap out of each other with? The back yard battles? We used to pretend it was the Second Sorceress War and we were fighting to save the world from the evils of Adel and Ultimecia. Gideon Leonhart always wanted to play Squall. I was, of course, you, the dastardly Sorceress' Knight, and poor Gabriel Leonhart, he got stuck being Rinoa. Gideon would never let him be the hero.
Yes, those were the good old days. The days when I thought I'd marry Gideon Leonhart and that we'd save the world together, just like Squall and Rinoa did years before any of us were born. I spent a lot of time with the Leohart kids, most of it in the form of mock battle with our toy gunblades. And there was all the training the three of us did together once we were all admitted into Garden. All the unintentional scars we gave one other in training, all the time we spent studying, all the late nights spent going over battle protocol. It was only natural that Gideon and I would grow so close after spending so much time together. And Gabriel and I, we grew close as friends. I could confess anything to him, and he could confess anything to me.
Those are precious memories. Painful memories.
Before I graduated, everyone said that I'd never pass the SeeD exams. Two of my instructors told me that I was just like you. They said I was too cocky and impulsive and that eventually, I'd screw up just like you did. One even told me I was dangerous and shouldn't be trusted with a pair of kid scissors. They were all wrong, of course, and somehow I ended up one of Garden's finest at the youngest age in the history of the institution. I used to be proud of that. Now, I just wish I'd been average.
It all started that night four years ago when Gideon and I stole your sail boat. I didn't know it then, but that was truly the beginning. That's when it all started to fall apart. God, that memory used to be beautiful, and it still is, but in a different sort of way. I was in love, and I'd chosen that night to give myself to Gideon Leonhart. On that night, Gideon and I, lay in one another's arms in the moonlight, drunk on too much tequila, and on our love for one another. I know you nearly killed me when we came ashore, daddy, but it was wonderful, crazy, and most of all, special to me. It didn't matter what punishment you gave me, or how much trouble I got into over it, it was still something I won't soon forget. For a girl's first time, it was the most romantic way to surrender . . . .
But I digress. You don't want to hear about that.
A week later, as you know Gideon failed his final SeeD exam. To this day, I'm not sure why he never applied himself. He was far better than me. He could have been the best fighter Garden had ever seen. I was hurt when he decided to leave Balamb for good. Hurt that he would leave me behind for reasons unknown.
"It'll be ok," I told him as I sat down on his bed. "There are other things in this world besides SeeD."
"How would you know?" he asked as she shoved a handful of socks into his bag. "SeeD is all you care about, and it's all you know. Hell, it's all I know."
"I know that if I weren't a SeeD, it wouldn't be the end of the world."
"It's not the end of the world."
I looked him over, feeling as though my heart would break if he walked out on me. How different he'd seemed from the funny adventureous boy I'd fallen in love with. Something about him had changed, as if overnight. Gone was the easygoing attitude, gone was the challenge in his eyes. It was if I was speaking to someone I didn't know. "So what will you do?"
"I'm going to travel for a while."
"Why?"
"There's nothing here for me, that's why."
His words stung and I looked away. "What about our future together?"
"What future could we possibly have? You want me to stay here and be miserable? You expect me to live in your shadow for the rest of my life? Sorry, Micala, I can't do that."
"Live in my shadow? What's that supposed to mean?"
"You know exactly what that means! Everything I did, you did better, at least in my father's eyes, anyway. I can't compete with that. You eclipse me in every possible way," he said as he yanked a shirt off of a hanger.
"Eclipse?" I asked.
"Yes, Micala, you are my eclipse. No matter what I've done, you have always outshined me."
"That's not true!" I cried.
"Then why are you a SeeD and I'm not?" he asked. "Why have you been a proud member of Garden's Elite since you were thirteen years old? Why not me?"
I sighed, frustrated with him for screwing up. I had spent hours tutoring him, going over protocol, and training with him only to have him screw up. Again. I was also frustrated with the way he was behaving, as if his fuck up was all my fault. "Gideon, don't be an idiot. You're the one who blew off your final exam. You're the one Xu found in an alley reeking of booze, not me."
"Everyone knows I'm the best, Micala."
"I never said you weren't, Gid!" I said. "I've got the scars to prove it."
His laugh was bitter, angry. "Tell that to my dad."
"Just because your dad's the commander doesn't mean you automatically get to be a SeeD," I told him. "I became a SeeD on my own merits. It wasn't given to me."
"Sure it was. No one would dare fail the daughter of Quistis Trepe."
I was getting angry with him. "Did you forget that my father is Seifer Almasy? That half of the instructors protested my application to enroll? No one wanted me at Garden, not even your father!"
"Micala, I'm not going to have this argument with you, ok?" he said and zipped his duffle bag closed.
"You're just going to leave?"
"Yeah, I'm just going to leave."
"What about me? What about us?"
"What about us? There is no 'us.'"
"So everything you've said to me over the last year was a lie. All your promises, those were all lies?"
"Micala, don't," he warned.
"Tell me the truth, Gideon!" I screamed. "Everything you said on the boat was a lie, right? You said all that, and dated me for a whole year just so I'd sleep with you. Is that what you're telling me?"
"Yeah," he muttered as he ripped down a couple of gunblade posters from the walls. "That's what I'm telling you."
I stood up and glared down at him, wanting so badly to hurt him. "You've just made the biggest mistake of your life."
"I've made lots of mistakes, Micala," he said with a laugh. "What's one more?"
I bit my lip and fought back my tears. "This mistake really cared about you."
That broke my heart, Daddy. I loved him, and I thought he loved me too. I couldn't believe he was just walking out like that. I couldn't believe that he would leave all of us behind.
It hurt me to see him leave, but I think it hurt Gabriel the most. I've heard there's a special bond between twins, a special closeness that other siblings don't share. And Gabriel was crushed, though he tried not to show it. It was as if part of him left with Gideon, like he was incomplete without him. For months after Gideon left, I couldn't look at Gabriel. I had a living ghost to haunt me and remind me of what once was.
The only thing that cheered me up was Aida. I remember the day she was born. Julian was still at home with us then. God, we were all so worried that Aida wouldn't survive through all those surgeries. She was so tiny, and her little heart was so weak.
Julian was the first to hold Aida. I think it was the last time I saw my big brother cry. It wasn't long after that he moved to Esthar to work for Laguna, and he never really came back after that. I missed him so much.
And I missed Gideon too, though I tried my best not to show it.
I worked a lot. Went on all those high risk missions. I guess maybe I didn't care if I lived or died. I just did my job, took my pay and spent my free time training. I know you remember that - me being gone for months at a time, visiting when I could. It wasn't mom's choice, nor was it Squall's. It was my choice to work myself into the ground. I just . . . couldn't stand being at Garden without Gideon there.
The sad thing is, I didn't see you that much, and I missed a lot of Aida's life. Despite the early danger, she grew strong, and smart and beautiful, didn't she?
But all I did back then was work. It was work that nearly got
me killed.