"I'm sorry to come so late. I need to talk to Gabriel. Is he here?"
"I think he's in his room," Squall said with a yawn as he let me in. "Just go on up."
"Thank you sir," I said and dashed up the stairs to Gabriel's room.
I knocked on the door. "Come in," he called and I entered the room. He sat on the couch reading a thick novel, his feet propped up on the coffee table. "Micala," he said and stood up. "What's wrong?"
I went to the window and looked out at the night beyond. Was Gideon out there somewhere watching? Did he know I was here? Perhaps he'd followed me. Reflexively, I checked the lock.
"Did something happen?" he asked as he came to me and his hands cupped my face.
I brushed him away and turned my back to him. "Gabriel, what happened that night on the sail boat?" I asked softly. "Tell me the truth. Was it you I made love to, or was it Gideon?"
He didn't answer and I turned around to face him. He looked guilty, like a little boy caught with his hand in the candy jar. I wanted to slap him silly for looking at me that way. "It was you," I whispered.
"Micala, I can explain," he said and blushed.
"It was you?!" I cried. "Hyne, Gabriel, I trusted you! How could you pretend to be him? How could you do that to me? All those things you said, about getting married, having kids! How could you do that?" I was furious with him. How in Hyne's name could he do something like that, deliberately deceive me to get what he wanted.
"Micala, I meant them."
"What?"
"I said, I meant them. I meant every word I said to you that night."
I stared at him, my face streaked with tears. What was happening here? Was this why Gideon had flipped? Was this the real reason why he left? He must have known about it.
"Do you have any idea how much I care about you?" he asked.
"Stop it, Gabriel!" I said. "You betrayed your brother, and you betrayed me!"
He sat down on the couch and sighed. "I know I did. I didn't mean to," he said. "I swear I didn't. We were both drunk that night, Micala. It was a stupid mistake that we both made."
"But you must have known I thought you were Gideon," I said and sat down beside him. "I mean, you knew he and I were together."
"Micala, I was drunk. Falling down, rabidly fucked up, totally out of my head, shitfaced drunk, and so were you," he said. "You came to me and said you wanted to go sailing. I was so crazy about you, I thought maybe you'd realized how much I loved you. It was a dream come true for me."
"You should have figured it out when I called you by the wrong name," I said.
"You never called me by name," he said and looked at me imploringly. "You called me Leonhart. I may have been trashed, but I remember everything about that night."
"So he was telling truth," I whispered.
"Who?" he asked. "Who told the truth?"
"Nobody," I said quickly. "What about afterwards? When I was still with Gideon?"
"Hyne, Micala, I was embarrassed. I couldn't tell you the truth. I didn't think anyone would know the difference."
I took a deep breath. "But I talked with Gideon about it the next day. He must have known I was with you," I said. "That's why he left, isn't it."
Gabriel nodded and put his head in his hands. "It's the only reason he left. Because of me."
This was the reason things were so fucked up? Because I'd mistaken his brother for him in a drunken haze? My sister died because of this? I couldn't believe he would justify killing a little girl or letting me be tortured, just because of an innocent, drunken, mistake. Maybe it was unforgivable on our part, but it wasn't worth making me hurt like this. Nothing I'd done could justify Gideon's actions. Nothing.
I was furious with Gabriel, but I could see how the mistake had been made. I had always been able to tell them apart, and I should have been able to that night, but I truly thought he was Gideon. He'd been wearing Gideon's favorite shirt, the one with the palm trees on it.
In hindsight, it couldn't have been anyone but Gabriel. There was a kind of vulnerability in his eyes that Gideon never had, an innocence I'd never seen in Gideon's eyes. I'd thought it was just the tenderness of the moment, but I should have figured it out before. Maybe I'd always known, but never wanted to admit to myself that it had been Gabriel. In a way, I was glad it had been him and not Gideon. He had been my one and only, and there was something sweet about that.
"Micala, I meant what I said," he said and lifted my chin so that he could look into my eyes. "I know you loved Gideon, and it was my fault that he left, and I'm sorry. But you and Gideon were so wrong for one another. Everyone could see that but you."
"Your mother said the same thing," I replied.
"It's the truth. He never loved you, not like I did, anyway," he said. "I still love you, I always have, and maybe one day, you'll love me back."
I had loved Gideon immensely, but I'd never opened up to him like I had with Gabriel. I was never comfortable with that, afraid that Gideon might ridicule my feelings or see them as a weakness. Gabriel had always been the one I could turn to when I needed a friend. I shared my thoughts and feelings with him as I had no other. He'd always been there for me, and twice now, I'd lain in his arms in a passionate embrace.
"I want you to be my wife," he whispered. He didn't wait for my answer, he kissed me instead, and my arms went around his neck as his hands cradled my face.
I knew right then that he was the only one I was ever meant to be with, that he was the only man I'd ever truly love, and the only one I could ever give myself completely to. He was the only man I could ever surrender my heart and my soul to. I could trust him not to hurt me, not ever, and I knew I would him more than life itself. Maybe I had all along, and not known it, maybe I hadn't been willing to admit to myself that Gabriel was the one because I'd been so wrapped up in confusion about Gideon.
I took his hand and led him to the bed. This time, it wasn't grief that drove me to him, but love. I wanted him like I wanted nothing else. Him and only him. I stripped off his clothing, eager to feel his skin against mine, wanting to feel him close to me.
"I'll be your wife," I whispered as his hands roamed my naked back and his lips explored my neck.
He stopped and peered up at me in the darkness. "You've just made me the happiest man alive."
"You just have to promise me you'll be a good, obedient husband," I teased.
He laughed. "Do I detect a little bit of the dominatrix in you, Micala?"
"Hmm," I said as I grinned. "Only if you deserve it."
"I promise, I'll be good," he whispered and his lips met mine again. I took him then, becoming the aggressor, as I have always been in other situations. It was on my terms, and Gabriel didn't mind at all. He moaned into my neck and whispered something unintelligible as his hands grasped my hips. I became the wanton slut that I'd never been, but it was all right, because Gabriel was the only one I'd ever be that way with. He was the only one I'd ever let hold me this way.
Does it upset you, daddy, to hear me talk about this? Well, you and I have always been frank with one another, so it shouldn't bother you too much. Remember, it was you that gave me my first sex talk, after what mom told me only confused me more than it informed me. You were pretty blunt about it, using crude vocabulary, such as 'cock' and 'twat,' so you should be able to handle this. After all, I'm a grown woman now, not a little girl.
Afterwards, we lay in one another's arms under the sheets, facing one another. I was tired, but I didn't want to sleep. I was afraid that if I feel asleep, I'd wake up and find myself in my own bed, and it having been a dream.
"We should wait to tell everyone," Gabriel whispered as his fingers trailed up and down my arm. "It's too soon, you know?"
"Yeah," I said, thinking of Aida. It seemed a little selfish of me to be enjoying myself when my sister's empty casket would be put underground tomorrow at noon. "Let's wait a week or so."
"All right," he said and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. "So, now you know all of my secrets. Tell me one of yours."
I didn't have many secrets to tell him. He knew most of them, and the ones he didn't, I didn't care to share with him. "I don't have any."
"That's a lie and you know it," he said.
"All right. I'll tell you one," I said, "but that's it. Don't ask any questions, just listen."
His hand stroked my hair and he nuzzled my neck. "No questions, just talk."
"I saw Gideon in FH a few months ago," I whispered. I wanted to tell him the truth, the whole story, and while I had the nerve, I was going to tell him everything.
Gabriel sat up. "What? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I said no questions, Gabe," I said. "Anyway, I didn't tell you because it didn't go very well. We parted on . . . less than friendly terms."
"Well, what happened? Is he all right?"
"He's just fine. Grown his hair long, has a beard."
Gabriel lay back down against the pillow and sighed. "So he's alive then."
"He's alive and well."
I could see the hurt in his eyes at knowing this. That look is what kept me from spilling the rest. He wasn't ready to hear all of it, and I didn't want to spoil the pleasure we'd just given one another by laying it all on him. It would have to wait until another time.
"Is that how you found out it was me?" he asked and brushed a few strands of hair from my eyes.
"Yes," I said. It wasn't the complete truth, but I didn't want to explain anything now.
"Micala, if he ever came back, and told you he loved you, would you go back to him?"
"No," I replied and kissed him. "Whatever love I had for him is gone."
"Are you sure?"
"Gabe, it's you I love. I promise you, that will never happen."
"You love me?" he asked with a smile.
"Dumbass," I said and poked him in the arm. "I wouldn't have said I'd be your wife if I didn't."
We fell asleep like that, locked in one another's arms, giddy with love for one another. I'd never known that kind of intimacy before. I guess it only comes from friendship, the closeness of two minds. I was happy, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life being able to fall into his arms if I needed to. If Gideon didn't destroy everything, I'd do anything I could to make it happen.
It was the last time I remembered feeling total peace. It was the last time things were uncomplicated. Even now that the storm's died down, things are all tied up in memories I wish to forget, but never will. I wanted so much for things to stay that way, but nothing in life is ever simple, and we all have our crosses to bear.
We buried Aida's empty coffin that day. It seemed silly to me, to bury a coffin that contained nothing. There must have been a better way to memorialize her. Something other than that. My heart broke to think that her true tomb would forever be that cavern with it's horrid scent of sulfur and it's bubbling corridors of lava. I wanted so much to change what happened, but baring time travel, that's not possible.
It began to rain as I walked away from her grave site, Gabriel's hand in mine.
It was at that moment, Gideon chose to call me.
And I decided not to answer.
***Notes***
Ahhh....Thank you for your reviews. Don't worry. Multiple reviews are not considered spamming...*L* I'm happy to read them.
I think we're at a halfway point here....maybe a little more than halfway....and let's just say, the madman in my head really did take over from here on out. Unlike one of my other fics, Broken Wings (which I threw together for a class), I have a clear purpose outlined in my head, and it was there when I began writing this story, and I wanted to explore how much a person can take before they break, and what it takes to make them fall apart, if they do. How strong is the instinct for survival? How much do we depend on others to get along? Bah.
Anyway, I really appreciate all your positive words. I hope that
I can still post after this week. My system can't handle Internet
explorer 6.0, so I may not be able to put any more chapters up soon....we'll
see, and cross your fingers.