For me, it really drove home the fact that I had to stop Gideon before he had a chance to take the rest of them away from us. Through the entire burial ceremony, I focused not on the minister's words or my own sadness. Instead, I focused only on saving what was left of my family because it was the only thing preventing me from breaking down. I could cry later, after it was all over. Until then, I had to hold it all back because it was the only way for me to keep going. It was as if by holding back my true emotions, grief converted into strength, hurt to energy, rage into determination. I feared that if I did stop and give myself time to grieve, I'd lose my edge and I'd lose sight of what it was I wanted, no, needed to do.
After all the catering trays and half empty cups had been cleaned up from the reception, Julian and I stepped out onto the patio to get some fresh air. Well, Julian wanted air, but I just wanted a cigarette.
"Micala, can I ask you something?" Julian began.
"Shoot," I said as I exhaled a cloud of smoke.
"I don't mean to imply that you're not hurting, but, how can you be so calm? None of this seems to bother you."
I turned slowly and stared at my feet. I very nearly lost my composure right then, and my voice trembled when I spoke. "Julian, you can't understand what it's been like for me because you haven't been here," I said as gently as I could. I didn't want to make him feel guilty for being gone so long, but the fact remained that he hadn't been here and he didn't know the real story behind any of it.
"Still, you're being pretty cold," Julian said.
"You didn't have to watch them die and not be able to do anything about it," I said as I crushed out my cigarette. "You didn't watch as Aida fell into that damned hole. You didn't sit beside Rinoa as she struggled for her last breaths of air, and you didn't see mom literally seconds before her car exploded, and you sure as hell didn't see what her body looked like afterwards! You weren't the one who saw them die, I was, so you'll have to forgive me if I seem cold. It's the only way I can still function."
Julian stood up and embraced me, and he pressed his face into my hair. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you when you needed me."
"It's ok, Jules," I said as I pushed him away gently. "Just, don't be so judgmental. I am hurting, on the inside, even if it doesn't show on the outside."
He nodded and bit his lip. "You think dad will be all right?"
I smiled a little. "He's an Almasy."
"Oh, Hyne," Julian mumbled. "Here we go with the 'you can't kill an Almasy' speech."
"That's right, so don't you go and do something stupid like die on me," I said and I punched him in the arm. "I'm gonna go check on the others. You need anything?"
"Naw, I'm all right," he said and he sat down in the lounge he'd previously vacated.
Gabriel was busy entertaining Laguna and Ellone, and he threw me a pained smile as I entered. Laguna was rambling on about Rinoa's mother Julia Heartilly, a story that most of us had heard a thousand times or more since we were children. I could tell both Gabriel and Elle were bored of it, but they endured it, nodded in the right places and laughed when expected. I took the opportunity of Laguna's distraction to go upstairs and check on Maia.
I found her in her room and she stared listlessly out the window as I took a seat on her bed. "Maia?" I asked. "What are you thinking about?"
"Death," she said.
"Don't," I told her. "Think about life instead."
Maia didn't reply for several long seconds, and her eyes never once moved from the window. "Have you ever wanted to die?" she asked in a voice so soft, I could barely hear her.
"Only once," I replied.
"When Danau tortured you."
"No," I said. "Not really. I just wanted to go home. It was when Aida died that I wished I'd died along with her." I pinched my arm to keep from crying, though it was hard to stay focused when the memories flooded my mind like poison.
"I think about it a lot, Micala. Especially now that I know about what Gideon's done. Mom's gone and Dad's a wreck. Gabriel's preoccupied with you. No one would miss me if I died right now," she whispered.
"Maia, why are you talking like this?" I asked, afraid for her.
She closed her eyes and leaned her head back. "Because I'm nothing. Because I don't care if I live or die. Because I have nothing to live for."
"You have a lot to live for," I said. "You're a fool if you don't believe that."
"Why exactly should I live?" she asked. "I can never have a relationship with anyone because of what Gideon did to me. Thanks to him, I have no libido to speak of, I can't trust anyone, hell, I don't even think of myself as female anymore. I'm more like a machine. All I'm good for is fighting, and I'm not great at that either."
I seized her by the shoulders and made her stand up. "Listen to me, Maia," I growled. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to this feel sorry for me crap when you know you have a lot to live for. What he did to you is fucked up, yeah, I'm with you on that, but you have a choice Maia. You have a choice. You either try to leave it behind and move on, or you sit here and waste away."
She glared at me with cold blue eyes. "You don't even know what I went through."
"I know enough," I said back, refusing to flinch away from her glare. "I also know that what happened was not your fault, so don't you dare sit here and think that it's your fault, and don't you dare think of yourself as nothing! Gideon wins if you let him make you a victim."
"I am a victim," she whispered as her eyes lowered so that I couldn't see them.
"You don't have to be," I said as I released her.
I wanted to cry for her. I wanted to feel bad. I wanted to help her. I wanted to slap her silly for being so strong, and acting so weak. I wanted to take her in my arms and let her cry it all out. I wanted to . . . kill Gideon.
For the first time, I truly saw what kind of damage he'd done to her, the real damage, and it hurt to see how completely he'd managed to ruin her. The damage wasn't physical, though it may have been initially inflicted through physical means. No, Maia's scars were psychological, and in telling me, she'd dug up a whole crop of buried feelings she'd put aside or hidden from herself. In confessing, she'd demolished a carefully constructed front of distance and disinterest, and now she was paying the price for not being able to deal with her hurt for so many years.
"When we kill him," she said slowly, "I want to be the one to strike the final blow."
"All right," I agreed. "If anyone deserves it, it would be you. And maybe, once this is all over, you can finally heal."
Maia burst into tears and collapsed into my arms at hearing these words, and I truly felt as if I were her sister. I so wanted to give her the comfort she needed, but I knew that only time would be able to give her that. Time wouldn't erase it, but perhaps it would shrink such a deep pain to a dull ache. And, for the first time, with her rail thin form in my arms, I realized how young and small she really was. I'd never really thought of her as younger than me, and she'd never acted anything but adult, but the truth was, she was still just a kid. A kid with a lot of baggage.
"Promise me that we'll kill him," she whispered as she wiped away her tears. "Promise me."
"We'll kill him," I swore with all the confidence I could muster. "I'll do whatever it takes to make sure he's dead."
She sniffled and pulled away. "Micala, teach me to fight like you do. Tell me how to be strong."
I smiled at my feet, amused that she wanted to be like me. She didn't know that being me came with a completely different set of problems and baggage. "Maia, you don't want to be like me."
Her eyes pleaded with me as she wiped away her tears. She desperately needed a friend, a sister and a role model. Why she chose me to be all those things, I'll never know, since I've never thought of myself as someone to look up to. No one looked up to an Almasy, after all. But, because she needed me so much, I couldn't let her down. "I can't turn you into me, but I can help you train."
Maia nodded. "Thanks," she said with a grateful smile. "That means a lot."
"You're welcome," I replied.
"If you don't mind," she said as she returned her gaze to the window, "I'd like to be alone for a while."
"You gonna be ok?" I asked.
"I'll be fine."
"You sure?"
She nodded and smiled.
"I'll be in Gabe's room if you need me."
Upstairs, I kicked off my shoes and curled up on Gabriel's bed with the intent of taking a nap. Perhaps I could have gone home to sleep in my own bed, but I couldn't face the empty house and the utter disconnection from the others. I wanted to be where they were, so that should something happen, I'd be there. And besides, Gabriel's bed seemed so much more comfortable than my own. Maybe it was because it was his, and it made me feel close to him, even though he wasn't there.
Minutes after I closed my eyes, I was asleep. I dreamed of fire, yet I wasn't afraid of it. I was the fire. I was the flames and the heat and the fuel upon which it burned.
Then, I saw myself in my sorceress form. Tongues of fire danced around my bare feet, and my gunblade reflected the orangy light like a mirror. I had not wings, but black feathers tied into my hair, very much like those the Centra tribes had worn a thousand years ago to signify victory. Unlike other sorceresses, who favored exotic clothing and ornaments, the feathers were the only significant alteration to my appearance.
I awoke suddenly when something touched my face and lightly caressed my jaw bone. I groaned and opened my eyes, but there was no one there. I sat up in a panic and glanced around the room, only to find that I was completely alone. With a breath of relief, I lay back once again and closed my eyes. When I drifted back to sleep, I didn't dream at all.
I must have slept quite heavily, because when my eyes opened again, there was someone in the room, for I heard a grief filled and frantic voice speaking in a hushed voice. As I sat up and rubbed my eyes, I spied Gabriel by the window holding my cell phone to his ear.
"But why Gideon? Why are you doing this?" he asked. "Your own mother? How could you?
I froze as I realized what was happening. Though I couldn't hear Gideon's reply, I could see by the look on Gabriel's face that he didn't like the answer.
"Just leave her alone, ok? You've already put her through hell, and it's time to stop this. No . . . No, Gid, that was a mistake, all right? No . . . Don't threaten me, Gideon."
It was then that I snatched the phone from Gabriel's hand and pressed
it to my ear. He hadn't realized I was awake and he jumped slightly
at my touch.
"I'll kill her first," Gideon said, "because if I can't have her, you
can't either."
"Is that a fact?" I asked as I dodged Gabriel's attempt to retrieve the phone.
Gideon paused, but only for a second. "Hello, Micala."
"Thought you said you were going to kill everyone and then me."
"I make the rules," he replied, "so I can change them if I want."
"Wrong," I said. "I make the rules now."
"No," he said. "This is my game. I make the rules."
"Killing innocent people is not a game."
"Sure it is. You just don't know how to play."
"You're one sick fuck, you know that?" I asked.
Gabriel snatched the phone back from me and sent me a seething look
of reproach. "Gideon, just stop this, ok? You don't need to
take this any further. I'm asking you, as your brother, as your blood
to stop this. Please."
I leaned in so that I could hear his reply. "I won't stop. Not for you or anyone else. Not till all of you are dead."
"You'd really kill me, Gideon?"
"I tried before, didn't I?"
I flashed back to one of Rinoa's memories. The one where Gideon had tried to strangle Gabriel over a toy car they both wanted. I covered my mouth to trap the scream of rage I felt welling up in my breast, and I stared at Gabriel, wide eyed as I saw his reaction. His face was very pale, and his eyes were bleak, as if he remembered for the very first time.
"Why are you doing this?" Gabriel asked in an unsteady voice.
"Because I can."
Gabriel dropped the phone and sat down on the floor as if his legs had collapsed underneath him. I picked it up and sat down beside him and threw my arm around his shoulder, a feeble gesture of comfort that, nonetheless, made me feel better. "Are you still there?" I asked.
"I'm here," Gideon said.
"Good," I said and pulled Gabriel closer. "You've successfully
destroyed everyone's life, and that's not good enough for you? It's
me you want, right?"
"Oh yeah."
"Then come and get me."
"Micala, no!" Gabriel hissed in my ear.
"Be quiet," I told him and clamped my hand over his mouth.
"Why can't you play by my rules?" Gideon asked. "It would be so much more interesting if you did."
"Is interesting a synonym for 'fucked up' in your world?" I asked. "Because that's what this is. Killing a four year old girl is fucked up. Murdering your own mother is fucked up!"
Gideon giggled. "Do you want to know who I'm going to kill next?"
"You wouldn't tell me if I asked."
"Smart one, aren't we?" Gideon laughed. "Might be Gabriel. Or your pansy ass brother. Or that murderer you call a father."
"No, Gideon. I want you to come for me," I urged. "Come get me."
"Oh, I'll get you, trust me, and I'm going to take my time so that I can enjoy killing you."
"Not if I kill you first."
"You know what?" he asked and he chuckled to himself. "I'm going to keep playing the game, even if you don't want to, so watch your back, Kalie."
I threw down the phone and wrapped my other arm around Gabriel. "It's going to be ok, Gabe," I whispered, and I told him my plan to lure Gideon to me. His face revealed how torn he felt about having to kill his brother, even though Gideon was a psycho. I could tell how much he hated the plan, but he didn't ask me to be quiet or try to change the subject. He listened with a quiet interest, though fear lined his face.
"So, what do you think?" I asked.
"I hate it," he grumbled.
"It's not exactly fun for me, either."
He scratched his chin and turned his face so that his eyes could meet mine. "I'll help you, if you want me to. But you have to make me a promise."
"That depends on what the promise is."
"Don't kill him for revenge. Don't kill him out of rage or hurt,
and for Hyne's sake, don't torture him," Gabriel said, "If we have to do
it, I want it to be only to protect everyone else."
"Gabe," I said as I stared back, "I can't deny the way I feel.
I feel rage and hurt, and I want to make him hurt too. I can't
help it."
"Baby," he whispered as he cradled my face in his and pressed his forehead against mine. "I know you do. I do too, but it's not right."
"What do you mean, it's not right?" I cried, "People we love are dead because of him!"
"I know," he said. "But I can't let you kill him if a need to make him hurt is your only motivation. He's sick in the head and I want to get him help if I can. All I really want is for this to stop. I don't want revenge, and I don't want him to suffer."
"My first priority is to stop him, Gabe. What more do you want?"
He sighed. "I want you to think carefully about this before you act on it. If you think it's for the best, then I'll back you."
I closed my eyes and cupped the back of his neck. "I don't think,
Gabe, I know."
***Notes***
Happy new year, everyone!
The Iguana is still nameless, but thanks for your suggestions so far....a couple of them I'm considering.
Killroy....thanks for reading....you know there's a sequel to 'Broken Wings' in progress here, right? If not, it's called 'Oceans Apart' and at present, there are about ten chapters posted.....the going is much slower because I'm having a difficult time with the editing.
By the way, I'm also having trouble loading FF.net. Over the last few days, the pages load really really slowly, if at all, and I've been unable to post this chapter for about three days.....
We are nearing the end here. Not quite there, but the final chapters
are coming up.....along with a lot of action.....wooooHOO!