Disclaimer: Xena: Warrior Princess and all related characters owned by Studios USA and Ren-Pics and anyone but I. No copyright infringement is intended.
Note: An update! Fall over with shock! More will be coming, but I prefer quality over quantity so I refuse to randomly hit the keyboard and upload. Therefore I have to wait until I have time to sit down and write to do so. Sorry for any formatting errors. Is anyone else seeing square is place of punctuation?
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Some hours after Kado had departed to arrange our transportation I stood on a Higuchi road, pressed against the wall, observing the bedlam of normal daily life, a sort of existence those people had been without for many years. There was ash everywhere, and a lingering stench of death bequeathed by those not saved by my water tower, but there also seemed to be new life in the city, as if a cloud…or forty thousand and one…had been lifted. Tears from the smoke and far more stung my eyes but I felt too tired to brush them away, too tired to do anything but watch silently as the memories danced past blurrily.
The foreign girl-woman waited patiently several feet away, holding her head rigid and her hands behind her back. The samurai wear Kado had grudgingly found for her was far too large and engulfed her tiny body, but she seemed not to notice, eyes half closed and tilted upward. I wondered briefly if it was poetry she was scripting in that mind of hers, a mind I already suspected to be too naive, too canny, and too manipulative for the good of any of us.
"Sensei!" It was Kado who came around the corner and latched onto my elbow when I wavered in my stance, his face bearing startled dismay.
"I'm fine."
"You are exhausted, Heika." My serene charge broke free of her reverie as suddenly as she had entered it, coming to my other side and fussing.
Shaking them both off, I reached downward, the feel of the chakram at my hip oddly reassuring. It was sticky with blood, but I had no time then to linger on the thought of it, or desire to wash it away. "Did you arrange for the horses and supplies?" After a brief struggle, my voice came and I sighed, turning to address the man hovering beside me.
"You should stay." He avoided the question bravely enough for a neophyte in the precarious skill of bardic coddling. "According to legend, Yodoshi's estate has been abandoned since Akemi's great crime. Only spirits, both evil and slave, have inhabited it. The spirits will be gone now, and the estate is your remuneration…"
"Spoils of war?" Disgust filled me for a moment, nearly toppled me, and I clenched my fists and turned, somehow silencing him, if only briefly, with a single look. "Do you believe me the sort to want them?"
"What you want is of no interest. Rewards are as relentless as punishment. If you do not claim your due, others will take offense and injury will be added to insult. It is life."
"It wasn't I who saved those souls, Kado." Pressing a finger to my temple, I fought back a wave of dizziness for not the first time that day, focusing my gaze on the two of them, the girl suddenly silent but still unblinkingly judgmental with her large, pitiless eyes. "It was Xena. I want nothing that she earned." Most of the time, I admitted even then, what Xena had earned in battle was far from worth having, anyhow.
The Ghost killer's son seemed less than thrilled by my rejection, and exchanged a look of somewhat surprising shared frustration with the girl he had taken such a dislike to not long earlier. "You will not last the journey if you do not rest beforehand." Briefly, he seemed to hesitate, before reaching out to touch my arm. "You appear much more tired than I suspect your stubborn nature allows you to admit."
This is my stubborn young friend, Gabrielle…uh…we bunk together, I have to make sure she sleeps against the wall, 'cause she prefers to leap before she looks.
Xena had used that turn of phrase to introduce me to innkeepers countless times, usually as a humorously shielded warning or a way to get past less than open-minded proprietors, but I had never listened, never paid proper heed, and in the end had always proven her right, sneaking right over her and out of bed to go downstairs and get embroiled in some bar fight, going outside for a walk and almost falling into the nearby pond...and notoriously light sleeper she was, Xena had always indulged me and let me learn my own lessons, even if she ended up rescuing me from them.
Of course, she wasn't there for the rescue any more.
"I get the point." I found myself muttering and looking around for her spirit, but she was nowhere to be seen. And as for Kado, when I turned to face him once more he had arms crossed and the most long-suffering, patronizing look on his face…he harkened back to Eve, badly. It was a needed reminder of where I was and where it was I needed to be going…and how difficult the trail and task would be. "We can spare a day's layover there to rest, two at the most." I finally offered the concession reluctantly, earning a visible slump of relief from him and little more than a foot stomp from the other member of our trio.
"We should move ahead." The girl overcame her frustration to say at last, arms crossing as well, eyes flashing.
"You just told me that I was exhausted." Turning to look at her, I had to sigh.
"If we bargain well, we may be able to hire a caravan." The dainty, elegant head tilted in thought. "You can rest on the journey."
"Or be attacked on the road." Kado inserted. "Gabrielle would not rest well. She would worry."
"What is it that I have to worry about, aside from living the rest of my life without Xena?" I broke up their little argument by striding between them, staring at each in turn. In truth, at that moment I wanted both of them to disappear. The last thing I felt like was having the company of a constantly arguing pair. The girl reminded me oddly of Amarice or Varia with her not so unforeseen if unknown schemes and Kado seemed a Hercules, or Virgil, with his quiet and often bordering on suffocating heroism…and how I missed our old friends at that particular time. I would have paid a wealth of dinars for one familiar face or hug then.
Amarice, gone to the Amazon Land of the Dead with so much unsaid between us…the wrongness of it. I heard all, the fast talking of the Ghost Killer's son and the nervous, excited chatter of the villagers, a ship's horn in the distance…I saw all as well, the smoke and the tired faces, but from a distance, locked in my memories.
"The decision is yours always, Sensei, but I remind you that the trade roads are dangerous, and you still unhealed..." Kado tapped my arm again impatiently and returned my stare.
"I've done dangerous before." Though my tones were purposefully brushed with softness, I intended for him to know that I would brook no question. He was all too right, the trade roads that ran the expanse of Japa and Chin and made way to Rome were dangerous…but it was for me to discipline myself to survive them. There was no Xena then for my protection, and at that particular time I was still far too angry to have accepted her help even supposing she had offered. "And yes, I've done it alone, before you begin to worry."
The girl's chin tilted up, mirth clearly and swiftly shunted from her eyes. "Leave him here, he would only hinder us. I will never dare to worry in your company, Heika."
"Little liar." Nonetheless, I felt a smile rise to my own eyes. "Is that what I'm supposed to call you, or do you have a name?
"I am called Chiko."
"Meaning arrow..." Kado noted scornfully.
"…and also meaning pledge." Chiko's gaze was solid ice.
"Your pledges are hardly in question, only the worth of them."
"Suppose we call you Chika." I overrode Kado and offered the suggestion off the top of my head, recalling a name I had read in a scroll, only days ago. "If I remember right, it means near."
"Yes." Her arms crossed primly. "I like it, Heika."
"My name is Gabrielle." Queen and teacher, I felt like neither at the time, and their deference, however sincere, was more irritating than any I had encountered before.
"It is fortunate that you have transcended it." Chika agreed, face reflecting utter seriousness.
Swallowing any of a hundred retorts, I headed for the pack of horses Kado had left several feet away, picking a dark mare as my own. Horses were never my favorite choice of transportation and truthfully, Anastay, they've never become such, despite the time I've spent on them since. But the mare and I reached an understanding and I suspected we would get along far better than either of our companions would, or than I would with either of those companions. "I think I'll call you Harmony." I whispered in a silky ear, and a willing neigh was my reward. Turning back, I forced a smile for the other two of our group. "Two days respite at Akemi's home, Kado-sama, and then we go west."
The journey itself only took little more than an hour, heralded by running village children. Clearly, none of them had any intention of moving beyond the wind torn, gaping remnants of once massive gates. Even Chika looked repelled, though she bravely tucked in her chin and kicked her horse into cantering through them first. After a long-suffering look cast in my general direction, Kado did the same, quickly reassembling by her side. I took my time, the feel of the chakram at my hip and the urn in the opposite saddlebag somehow steadying.
I'd seen ghosts before, after all. Marcus had been wonderful, and Cyrene just Cyrene…of course that vision of Joxer had been false, and Hope…I had quit long before then trying to decipher or fearing anything related to Hope. Akemi…well, there was Akemi. If anything her home inspired more hostility in me than fear.
The place looks different, a little rattier than ever.
"I was beginning to think you weren't really here, Princess Smart Aleck, just some empty reflection, maybe a figment of my mind. But I make you a lot more tactful in my imagination." Cracking a smile despite myself, I let Xena's old snooty tones draw me towards the dilapidated central courtyard, swinging down from Harmony and motioning to the other two to join me.
Funny, Gabrielle. I'm not here most of the time, who would want to be? When you move on to Aegyptus, maybe I'll stick to your side more. I've been cooling my heels in Elysia. Do you know, I think Solans shrunk another inch… must be the water.
"Watch it, that ghostly breastplate will fall off."
Not if I'm not wearing it anymore. Remember, bard? It's gone and buried, by my choice.
"Shut up, Xena." Almost as quickly as my good mood came it soured, and I felt more than witnessed her abrupt withdrawal as well.
"Sens…Gabrielle?" Kado hitched his stallion and moved to my side, brows climbing.
"It's nothing; I was just talking to myself, Kado." Was I? I wondered. If Xena were in the Elysian Fields, there was no reason she should have been able to remember our separation, much less travel to and fro between the realms of the dead and the living. Elysia was, after all, a place to forget the pains and ties of mortal life, and that she had wanted more than anything in the last month we'd traveled together. I had seen it, recognized the shadows under her eyes, the tired smiles.
When had our bond ceased being enough for her? When had I failed? I wondered. Gods, I wondered, and I still do.
Brushing aside another volley of tears, I captured Kado's arm, smiling. "Let's check out the inside. Night falls soon."
"Someone is within." Chika drew to my other side, lips drawn tightly. "A messenger of Chin who claims to have journeyed hard and come in only hours."
"Braver than most messengers." Hebe, protect we bearers of bad tidings. The prayer ran through my head absently, Hebe struck in my memory as among the few Olympians we had spared, Xena and I.
Stepping inside the spacious dwelling, I was at once struck by the emptiness of the place…not sticklers for crowds of furniture, the eastern peoples, but Yodoshi's estate seemed more lacking than most, and had clearly been abandoned without ceremony. A large area of the floor was marked off by blood stained tile and mats, and as far away from the offerings knelt a clearly nervous man bearing the robes of Chin. "You have a name, and a message?" I forced my tones to softness, coming to rest quietly before him.
Clasping both hands before his heart and bowing, the guest nodded urgently, face expressing his unease. "I am called Fai, and I come in search of the Warrior Princess on behalf of the Lady Kao H'Sin."
"Xena is dead now."
"Lady H'Sin has heard the tales of Xena's exploits in the ice caves and her continued existence…" Perhaps it was my expression as well, for he stopped mid sentence, horror slowly dawning. "It cannot be."
"Xena is dead." Lifting the leather bad I had brought in with me, I opened it enough to allow sight and swung the black jar before his face. "I oversaw the funeral pyre myself." Before I could lose control I turned away and prepared to leave, jerking the string tight again on the bag. "Tell your lady that she's on her own, whatever her troubles this time."
Gabrielle…
"I have no time to play hero. I need to find Eve, and decide what to do; I have to think of a way…"
"Eve?" Her name fell from his mouth more a gasp than whisper. "But you must! Eve, the Elijan, she is my reason for being here. Kao H'Sin believes that the daughter of Xena has been captured. It will take more than we have to offer to spare her. We need the Warrior Princess if her daughter is to live…"
"Eve should still be in Indus, unless she had reason…"
"She traveled further east by request of Xena herself, she said as much before her capture. A missive came from Greece…"
There had been Xena, huddling over that fire and painstakingly putting word to parchment, she had never been a writer…I had asked, demanded to know what was so important to keep her up all night…her face had been so still, her voice so distant in the brushing off.
"Gabrielle, I never expected this to happen." Xena appeared before us, face stark and pale, eyes shining with more vivid clarity than since Fuji. Fai fell backward, shrieking, and Chika grasped his shoulders and pulled him outside.
"Is it true?" I forcefully held my body taunt as we faced off, the anger I felt frightening. "Did you send Eve to Kao H'Sin? Did you know she would be in danger?"
"The missive was my doing, yes, but thanks to Michael I talked to her about the situation only a few days ago and she was fine..."
"Until you told her where we were and set her to worrying? Xena…" Even such a small thing as conversation was difficult. "Xena, how could you? She knew this would happen; Eve was always too perceptive, too knowledgeable about the doings of the future. And now…I wanted to break it to her gently…"
"There was no time for that, Gabrielle." Xena's spirit glimmered briefly, her own show of annoyance. "Eve is tough. She was fine."
"And after they finish with her? You sent your daughter…our daughter…through routes favored by the most bloodthirsty army this side of Indus, alone! She isn't Livia anymore, Xena!"
"Don't you think I know that? I've been trying to get it through your head since we turned her…"
"She's Eve." I refused to allow her to see how the words hurt, and hurt they did…I had always had my reservations about Xena's daughter. As Livia she had reminded me of Hope, too well, and as Eve her redemption seemed ceaselessly unfair when compared to the fact that there had been none for my own child. But by the gods, I had been doing my best, I had come to love Eve in my own way, and the fact that it wasn't enough for Xena stung me. "The Messenger of Eli, the girl that can't swipe a fly without a fit of indecision and regret."
"That doesn't mean she can't fight for life, Gabrielle." The robed arms crossed, lips firming in familiar frustration. "You worked past the goody goody façade to do it often enough."
"That was different." Was it? I wondered even then. "I was learning that I was a warrior. Eve is learning not to be one. I want to preserve her efforts. I have to, Xena; I won't let her lose control…be something she was never meant to be. It would destroy her, facing Livia again. I want to protect her."
"Are you protecting my daughter, or subconsciously representing the little girl I took from you?" Xena's tones had fallen to soft but sharp query.
"I have no intention of bringing Hope into this…" It hurt, gods it hurt, even after all the years. The knife never stopped twisting.
"I didn't mean her." That swift, brutal foursome of words hurt too, the fact that even after all the years I had given over to her since, Xena's hatred for my child still burned so fiercely that even saying her name…acknowledging that she had been a person…was difficult. She seemed brutally aware of the feelings she was evoking, the warrior princess, staring at me and pressing on. "I mean you."
My surprise must have been naked on my face if her own expression was any indication, raw amusement tinged with horrific sympathy. I fought for my voice, cursing her ability to breech my defenses. "Me?"
Her laughter was edged. "Look at you, oh, look at you. Gabrielle, I've stolen your youth, taken your glory and shrouded myself in it; paying no heed to what I left behind. You're an ancient now of spirit, and I fear your body has hardened so that even the relief of death will come hard to you." Her face contorted as if in living pain, moisture gaudily akin to tears but false brimming the sapphire eyes. "I had no right to do that to you."
"No right to love me? No right to give me the sweetest years of my existence, no right…" My fists were balled and I could feel the blood streaming from the jagged little cuts my nails offered, but it was only breaking the surface. I was trembling with anger by then, a cloud of it distorting all that I saw and heard. "How dare you! How dare you condescend to me! I'm not the kid you saw in Poteidaia. I'm not even the girl who left you to marry Perdicus. I chose to become more. You didn't create me, Xena. I created myself. When are you going to accept that I make my own decisions and I have to pay the prices for them? I wouldn't want to do anything less…that's my way. I chose to join up with you, and I chose to stay with you, just as I chose to take up the staff and then the sais, and yes, the chakram. You stop it, Xena! Stop blaming yourself. What good is redemption if you keep finding new things to regret?"
"That particular regret isn't young, Gabrielle." Her hand reached out hesitantly, cupping my chin, her eyes looking away as if my gaze would wound. "But you're right…" Her smile dipped. "…neither are you, bard. I can respect…admire…what you've become, the gods know you aren't my work of art, but I can't help but know that I'll miss your innocence every moment…" Her voice dropped to jagged sorrow, and then steadied, head lifting. "Someday, I hope we can meet again, that girl from Poteidaia and I, or at least that hopeful young Amazon Queen and I."
"Again?" Pulling my hand free, I grasped hers with all the strength I had left, forcing her gaze despite my own doubts and fears. "How can you talk like that, Xena? Who said we were ever parting?" Pulling away when no response came, I turned and strode after Kado outside, back to the horse, burying the aching in my gut beneath a layer of focus. "Don't ever be this stupid again! I'm going after Eve. She, at least, needs me. And I need her. And then…I have hope. I'm getting you back, and that's an Amazon oath."