Disclaimer: I only own the plot. Title taken from the song "Words".
A/N: This is a complete spur of the moment thing. I sat up last night from one to a quarter past two writing it. It's short, it won't take a moment of your time…
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Words
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Lily,
I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't even know if I will ever get the courage to send it to you. And I know I am too late. Years too late. But the thoughts, the feelings. They have been eating away at me for too long. Even if you never read this, I need to get it out. It needs to be said, even if no one will listen.
You are getting married tomorrow. I saw the announcement in the paper a few weeks ago. You are marrying James. Just like everyone expected. Just like everyone has been saying for years. Lily Evans and James Potter, a match made in heaven. You were always meant to be. I know that. I know I can't change that, and I am not going to pretend that anything I have to say will change that. But I still have to tell you.
I love you, Lily. I always have loved you. I remember the exact moment I realised it. There was nothing special about that particular moment. And yet I have never been able to forget it, however hard I've tried (trust me, I've tried). That day in our first year at school. Just another ordinary day, another dull History class. I remember looking over at you. You were half asleep, like the rest of us. But then you looked up. You looked back at me. And you smiled. And that was when I knew.
I never told you, of course. How could I? The very idea of a Slytherin and a Gryffindor muggleborn… it was laughable. You could never love me, and I wasn't meant to love you. You were always meant for someone better. Someone nicer. Someone like James.
I've hated James for as long as I've loved you. He always had your attention (often on my expence). I used to watch the way you looked him, wishing, dreaming, almost praying that you would look at me like that, and yet knowing you never would. I don't think you can imagine how much that hurts.
It took him four years to see it. Four years to see how you looked at him, to see you for more than just a friend. Four years to realise what I had known since I first laid eyes on you.
Part of me wants to say that he doesn't deserve you. That I deserve you. But I know that's a lie. He does deserve you. What did I ever do to make myself worthy of Lily Evans? The things I said to you, the names I called you. You must hate me, and I can't blame you for it. I hate myself. When I think back at all those times I passed you alone in a hallway, or out on the grounds. Those times when I weren't surrounded by my fellow Slytherins. I could have pulled you aside then. Told you the truth. Or if not the truth, then at least told you I was sorry for all those times I hurt you. I know I hurt you, Lily, even if you never let it show.
I am sorry, Lily. I am sorry for more things than I can, or even want to, remember. But I was a coward. In the end, my house, my friends, my blood, it all got in the way. I tried to not let it matter, but it doesn't work that way. You know it doesn't. I was afraid. Afraid of what everyone would say.
But even more afraid of what you would say. It hurt, seeing you with James. But it would have hurt even more seeing you together, knowing that you didn't feel the same way about me as I did you. Maybe that was why I never told you. If I didn't know, I could at least pretend that there was a possibility, however slim, that you might care for me. Maybe that's why I'm telling you now. Because I have no more to lose. This time tomorrow, I will have lost you forever.
I remember finding you crying in the library once in our sixth year. You and James had fought. I wanted to comfort you then. Wanted to tell you that anyone who made you cry wasn't worthy of you. But I didn't… I couldn't. I regretted it for weeks. I still do.
As I write, I get more and more uncertain about sending you this. Most likely, it will end up at the bottom of my drawer, in a sealed envelope. This letter can't change anything. You love James. You hate me. It's been like that for years, and I am a fool to think I can change it. But I love you, and that can't be changed either. Tomorrow, you will become Lily Potter. And you will live the rest of your life not knowing that I loved you. That I love you. That I always will love you…
Severus…
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