Author's Note: OK, I thought this idea up at about 11:00 last night and
spent about an hour and a half stewing in bed thinking about it. Since
Freefall got to Monty Python and the Holy Grail first (EVIL woman!), I
decided to throw what little remains of my reason to the winds and go ahead
with it. If it sucks, let me know, because like I said, it was a spur-of-
the-moment thing.
If you have any problems with the way I cast the characters, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to deal with it. I cast the LoD characters into their LotR roles in the way that I thought would be funniest. Keep in mind that these are my vastly warped characters. If you read humor fics on a regular basis, you should be used to massive OOC-ness.
OK, enough of that, on with the insane parody!
Chapter 1
Dart: Why are we doing this? There's already a Lord of the Rings movie!
Striker: Duh, I've seen both and have the first on video. You think I don't know that? This is merely done for my deranged amusement, and the deranged amusement of those who actually read my parodies.
Lloyd: O_O We're in another parody?
Dart: You didn't tell him?
Striker: Of COURSE I didn't tell him. He'd just bolt, in a foolish attempt to spare his own sanity.
Lloyd: *bolts*
Striker: See? *smacks Lloyd over the head with the sharp end of a plastic shovel*
Lloyd: *falls over*
Albert: Haven't you learned that attempting to escape from the parodies is totally futile yet?
Lloyd: But I hate these things! I'm always cast as the moron!
Lavitz: Dude, there's only been one other parody and you're the main villain.
Albert: That's true. The stupidity came from the actor, not the role.
Lloyd: *long pause* Shut up!
Striker: Okey dokey, let's get on with this. *points at Dart* Oogala boogala shnoogala moogala noogala toogala voogala crispy bacon!
Dart: Crispy bacon? *poof* *is shrunk*
Striker: *rubs hands together* Excellent. Hobbit size.
Dart: What? How come I have to be a hobbit?
Striker: Because you're the main character in LoD, and because the thought of a pyromanic hobbit with spiky hair amuses me.
Dart: *pouts*
Striker: Let's see, who's next? *points at Lavitz*
Lavitz: If this involves the words 'crispy bacon', heads will roll.
Striker: *falls over laughing*
Dart: I think that sentence amused him in some deranged way sane people can't understand.
Lavitz: Probably.
Striker: *snaps fingers at Lavitz*
Lavitz: *suddenly dressed like Strider* O_o Schweet.
Dart: No fair! How come he gets to be the Ranger/King of Gondor and I get stuck being the hobbit?
Striker: *sighs and hands him the Ring*
Dart: O_O Yay! *summons an army of darkness to obey his every command*
Striker: *smacks Dart and takes the Ring back* None of that! *waves to the army* Get out of here, all of you!
*long pause*
Dark Soldier: Who wants pizza?
Evil Army: Yeah! *roar and go off to storm the nearest pizza parlor*
Striker: Ah, good enough.
Albert: Was it a good idea to give him the REAL Ring?
Striker: Eh, probably not. But how else is he going to disappear?
Albert: Special effects?
Striker: You think I can afford special effects? The budget for this film is two bucks. And maybe about fifty cents worth of pocket lint.
Albert: So as an alternative, you cross dimensions and steal the real thing?
Striker: Yup! *looks pleased with self*
Albert: Wouldn't it be difficult to obtain, much less to use?
Striker: Bah, not even the wrath of Sauron can stand up to the power of Author Magic!
Lavitz: I don't doubt that. Remember what he did to that Swiss army?
Dart: Wrong fic.
Lavitz: Oh yeah. Still, I wouldn't wanna get in his way when he DOESN'T revive you afterwards anyway.
Albert: Indeed.
Striker: Your turn! *snaps fingers at Albert*
Albert: *is suddenly dressed as Legolas*
Horde of Rabid Fangirls: *appears out of nowhere* LEGOLAS!
Albert: Oh... no...
Horde of Rabid Fangirls: *mass tackle* *thrown backwards by some invisible force*
Striker: Fully equipped with an Anti-Fangirl Magnetic Shield.
Albert: *stops huddling in a corner* Thank SOA...
Striker: You should be thanking ME, but nooooooo...
Albert: You've also dragged me into this in the first place.
Striker: *long pause* Shut up.
Albert: One question. Why did you give Lavitz the role of Strider? At least I really AM a king.
Striker: Yes, but you're too bookish for Strider. Besides, the thought of Lavitz as Legolas scares me.
Albert: Lloyd could play Legolas...
Striker: He'd have too much fun with it. I learned that after I made him Sephiroth. His head doesn't need to get any more swollen than it already is.
Lavitz: You REALLY don't like Lloyd, do you?
Striker: Nope. *smacks Lloyd with a volume of War and Peace for no reason*
Lloyd: X_x
Albert: Since you've got Rose playing Arwen and Miranda as Eowen, does that mean that the pairings in this fic would be Lavitz/Rose and Lavitz/Miranda?
Striker: *pause* Yeah, I guess it would. I never really thought about that.
Lavitz: I have got to have the best damn role in this entire movie. Strider smokes too, right?
Striker: Yep.
Lavitz: So I don't have to go on Nicorette?
Striker: Nope.
Lavitz: It doesn't get any better than this.
Striker: You're welcome.
Rose: I refuse to...
Striker: Rose, do you remember how I got you into the first parody?
Rose: I had a choice?
Striker: Not really, but let me refresh your memory. *holds up a picture of Zeig hanging over a pit of acid*
Rose: *grumbles* Striker: Good enough. *snaps fingers at Haschel*
Haschel: *dressed as Gandalf* YES! I get a decent part this time!
Striker: Consider yourself lucky that there aren't any other old foagies in the group. *snaps fingers at Kongol*
Kongol: *is Gimli* *starts crying* Waaaah! Kongol short!
Shana: What about me?
Striker: You're useless. Go away.
Shana: *runs off crying* *gets eaten by a rabid shrew*
Dart: O_o Shrew?
Striker: *shrug*
Dart: What about the other hobbits?
Striker: Bah, I hadn't thought about them... oh hell, we'll just use the real ones. *snaps fingers*
Sam, Merry, and Pippin: *fall out of the air* Ow. *look around* *gasp*
Sam: *pokes Dart* You are not Mister Frodo! IMPOSTER! *kicks Dart in the shin*
Dart: X_x Ow!
Pippin: I'm hungry.
Merry: O_o
Striker: Right. Let's get this freak show started.
************************************************************************
*Meanwhile, in a nearby Round Table Pizza...*
Clerk: Uh, sir? There's an evil army of darkness at the counter...
Manager: Take their orders. Good for business. Make sure to give them a group discount. We don't want to make them unhappy.
Clerk: But sir... they're eating the other customers...
Manager: Damn, then they won't be buying appetizers. Ah well.
Clerk: I don't think you get it. They're EATING the other customers.
Manager: This is corporate America, kid! Survival of the fittest. Now get a move on or you'll be another zit-faced punk without a job!
Dark Soldier: *finishes eating an old lady* *burp*
Clerk: O_o;
Author's Note: Mwahaha... first chapter over. Next ones will be funnier, I hope, this was kind of just getting the whole thing started. But review anyway so I know this was a good idea!
If you have any problems with the way I cast the characters, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to deal with it. I cast the LoD characters into their LotR roles in the way that I thought would be funniest. Keep in mind that these are my vastly warped characters. If you read humor fics on a regular basis, you should be used to massive OOC-ness.
OK, enough of that, on with the insane parody!
Chapter 1
Dart: Why are we doing this? There's already a Lord of the Rings movie!
Striker: Duh, I've seen both and have the first on video. You think I don't know that? This is merely done for my deranged amusement, and the deranged amusement of those who actually read my parodies.
Lloyd: O_O We're in another parody?
Dart: You didn't tell him?
Striker: Of COURSE I didn't tell him. He'd just bolt, in a foolish attempt to spare his own sanity.
Lloyd: *bolts*
Striker: See? *smacks Lloyd over the head with the sharp end of a plastic shovel*
Lloyd: *falls over*
Albert: Haven't you learned that attempting to escape from the parodies is totally futile yet?
Lloyd: But I hate these things! I'm always cast as the moron!
Lavitz: Dude, there's only been one other parody and you're the main villain.
Albert: That's true. The stupidity came from the actor, not the role.
Lloyd: *long pause* Shut up!
Striker: Okey dokey, let's get on with this. *points at Dart* Oogala boogala shnoogala moogala noogala toogala voogala crispy bacon!
Dart: Crispy bacon? *poof* *is shrunk*
Striker: *rubs hands together* Excellent. Hobbit size.
Dart: What? How come I have to be a hobbit?
Striker: Because you're the main character in LoD, and because the thought of a pyromanic hobbit with spiky hair amuses me.
Dart: *pouts*
Striker: Let's see, who's next? *points at Lavitz*
Lavitz: If this involves the words 'crispy bacon', heads will roll.
Striker: *falls over laughing*
Dart: I think that sentence amused him in some deranged way sane people can't understand.
Lavitz: Probably.
Striker: *snaps fingers at Lavitz*
Lavitz: *suddenly dressed like Strider* O_o Schweet.
Dart: No fair! How come he gets to be the Ranger/King of Gondor and I get stuck being the hobbit?
Striker: *sighs and hands him the Ring*
Dart: O_O Yay! *summons an army of darkness to obey his every command*
Striker: *smacks Dart and takes the Ring back* None of that! *waves to the army* Get out of here, all of you!
*long pause*
Dark Soldier: Who wants pizza?
Evil Army: Yeah! *roar and go off to storm the nearest pizza parlor*
Striker: Ah, good enough.
Albert: Was it a good idea to give him the REAL Ring?
Striker: Eh, probably not. But how else is he going to disappear?
Albert: Special effects?
Striker: You think I can afford special effects? The budget for this film is two bucks. And maybe about fifty cents worth of pocket lint.
Albert: So as an alternative, you cross dimensions and steal the real thing?
Striker: Yup! *looks pleased with self*
Albert: Wouldn't it be difficult to obtain, much less to use?
Striker: Bah, not even the wrath of Sauron can stand up to the power of Author Magic!
Lavitz: I don't doubt that. Remember what he did to that Swiss army?
Dart: Wrong fic.
Lavitz: Oh yeah. Still, I wouldn't wanna get in his way when he DOESN'T revive you afterwards anyway.
Albert: Indeed.
Striker: Your turn! *snaps fingers at Albert*
Albert: *is suddenly dressed as Legolas*
Horde of Rabid Fangirls: *appears out of nowhere* LEGOLAS!
Albert: Oh... no...
Horde of Rabid Fangirls: *mass tackle* *thrown backwards by some invisible force*
Striker: Fully equipped with an Anti-Fangirl Magnetic Shield.
Albert: *stops huddling in a corner* Thank SOA...
Striker: You should be thanking ME, but nooooooo...
Albert: You've also dragged me into this in the first place.
Striker: *long pause* Shut up.
Albert: One question. Why did you give Lavitz the role of Strider? At least I really AM a king.
Striker: Yes, but you're too bookish for Strider. Besides, the thought of Lavitz as Legolas scares me.
Albert: Lloyd could play Legolas...
Striker: He'd have too much fun with it. I learned that after I made him Sephiroth. His head doesn't need to get any more swollen than it already is.
Lavitz: You REALLY don't like Lloyd, do you?
Striker: Nope. *smacks Lloyd with a volume of War and Peace for no reason*
Lloyd: X_x
Albert: Since you've got Rose playing Arwen and Miranda as Eowen, does that mean that the pairings in this fic would be Lavitz/Rose and Lavitz/Miranda?
Striker: *pause* Yeah, I guess it would. I never really thought about that.
Lavitz: I have got to have the best damn role in this entire movie. Strider smokes too, right?
Striker: Yep.
Lavitz: So I don't have to go on Nicorette?
Striker: Nope.
Lavitz: It doesn't get any better than this.
Striker: You're welcome.
Rose: I refuse to...
Striker: Rose, do you remember how I got you into the first parody?
Rose: I had a choice?
Striker: Not really, but let me refresh your memory. *holds up a picture of Zeig hanging over a pit of acid*
Rose: *grumbles* Striker: Good enough. *snaps fingers at Haschel*
Haschel: *dressed as Gandalf* YES! I get a decent part this time!
Striker: Consider yourself lucky that there aren't any other old foagies in the group. *snaps fingers at Kongol*
Kongol: *is Gimli* *starts crying* Waaaah! Kongol short!
Shana: What about me?
Striker: You're useless. Go away.
Shana: *runs off crying* *gets eaten by a rabid shrew*
Dart: O_o Shrew?
Striker: *shrug*
Dart: What about the other hobbits?
Striker: Bah, I hadn't thought about them... oh hell, we'll just use the real ones. *snaps fingers*
Sam, Merry, and Pippin: *fall out of the air* Ow. *look around* *gasp*
Sam: *pokes Dart* You are not Mister Frodo! IMPOSTER! *kicks Dart in the shin*
Dart: X_x Ow!
Pippin: I'm hungry.
Merry: O_o
Striker: Right. Let's get this freak show started.
************************************************************************
*Meanwhile, in a nearby Round Table Pizza...*
Clerk: Uh, sir? There's an evil army of darkness at the counter...
Manager: Take their orders. Good for business. Make sure to give them a group discount. We don't want to make them unhappy.
Clerk: But sir... they're eating the other customers...
Manager: Damn, then they won't be buying appetizers. Ah well.
Clerk: I don't think you get it. They're EATING the other customers.
Manager: This is corporate America, kid! Survival of the fittest. Now get a move on or you'll be another zit-faced punk without a job!
Dark Soldier: *finishes eating an old lady* *burp*
Clerk: O_o;
Author's Note: Mwahaha... first chapter over. Next ones will be funnier, I hope, this was kind of just getting the whole thing started. But review anyway so I know this was a good idea!