.Author's Note: Well, due to the tremendous positive response, I've decided
to come out with the second chapter a little earlier than I expected. Now,
to respond to all the special reviews which got me so inspired.
Songwind, you read my mind. Lloyd will be Saruman. As for Sauron himself... well, we'll have to wait and be surprised, won't we?
Aerena, I have a feeling this will be a sort of cross-parody from both the books and the movies. Although I have a slightly better grasp of the events of the books than is shown in the movies, I unfortunately don't have the time to go through every page of all three books to get in all the details.
As for future casting opportunities, Lloyd is Saruman, as I already mentioned. I did consider Zior as Elrond, but I ultimately gave him the role of Theoden. I'm seriously considering Savan as Elrond, but that decision isn't set in stone quite yet. For Galadriel I haven't decided yet, although Lisa and Emille would be interesting, undoubtedly.
As for poor Albert/Legolas... I imagine you'll know your opportunity once it is revealed, Harle...
As opposed to previous chapters, narration will now be placed in parentheses. It makes it easier for me. Scene changes, however, will still be indicated by a line of asterisks.
Chapter 2
(We join the dark army summoned by Dart in the previous chapter slightly after the Round Table incident. The pizza parlor, not surprisingly, has been reduced to smoking rubble. The horde has relocated itself to the local bar, and are busy wasting themselves while impersonating drunk Germans. By the way, if anyone particularly cares, the clerk made it out alive by feeding the legion the late manager of the Round Table as a peace offering.)
Dark Soldier 1: *drains his mug and impersonates German accent* Ist dieses nicht lhre kitty katze? (Translation: Is this not your kitty cat?)
Dark Soldier 2: *also impersonating German accent* Ja, ist die meine kitty katze! (Translation: Yes, that is my kitty cat!)
All: *burst into drunken laughter for no reason*
(Yes, that was random and completely pointless. Enjoy.)
************************************************************************
(After leaving that somewhat disturbing scene, we find ourselves with the author/director, the LoD gang, and three very unfortunate hobbits.)
Striker: Aaaaaaand... action!
Dart: *lying around on the hillside, trying to picture the entire expanse of dry grass on fire* Damned author, taking away my lighter... poor Zippo... *sniff* *hears Gandalf's cart coming* Fireworks! Emphasis on FIRE! *runs into the road and is immediately run over by a cart going way too fast*
Lloyd: *driving the renegade cart, whose speed is explained by the fact that the crazed Wingly has swapped the horse for a pair of jet engines* Mock MY love of Care Bears, will you? *sends cart to screeching halt, eyes bulging* Revenge is indeed sweet, foolish mortals!
Striker: You're STILL in the wrong parody, Lloyd!
Dart: *somehow managed to survive, but is now covered in wheel tracks* Someone hasn't had their daily snuggle time!
Lloyd: *goes into violent spasm of twitching*
Albert: *sighs* Not AGAIN... this is the fifth time in what... twelve minutes?
Lavitz: Actually, I'm finding this rather amusing.
Albert: Of course, but we need to get on with this accursed movie if we're ever going to get out of this place.
Lavitz: What's got your boxers in a knot?
Albert: Crude refrences to my underwear aside, this would be the most likely reason. *indicates swarm of fangirls that are still attempting to hurl themselves at him, only to be thrown backwards by the magnetic shield*
Lavitz: Ah yes.
Striker: Let us recollaborate and attempt that frame set once more.
Kongol: Author starting to sound like Albert king. Big words confuse Kongol.
Striker: Kongol, for you,'three' is a big word.
Kongol: *long pause* Hey! That not nice!
Striker: Tell me something I don't know. Take 2! Action!
(Later, Dart and Haschel are riding in on Gandalf's cart, going into the Shire for the first time.)
Dart: O_o Damn, dude...
Haschel: You used Minitos for the Shire hobbits?
Striker: Well, it was either them or the Keebler elves, so...
Haschel: Why not just bring the real hobbits here?
Striker: Because I LIKE Minitos, smartypants. They're short and have funny colored hair!
Dart: I thought they were extinct...
Striker: Pfft. That's what they want you to think. There's actually an abnormally large Minito population in subterreanean caves beneath Chicago...
Dart and Haschel: O_o
Striker: What? They swiped Wingly technology, crossed dimensions, and now live in caves burrowed underneath major cities.
Dart: And you know this because...?
Striker: It is not your position to question my knowledge, only to bask in its glory.
Albert: *snorts*
Lavitz: Dude, I wouldn't do that if I were you. His magic is the only thing keeping you from unspeakable horrors beyond your imagination...
Albert: May I reverse that previous exclamation?
Striker: Only because we're in the middle of filming and I don't feel like taking down the shield at the moment.
Albert: Thank you.
(Albert goes off to cower with his stuffed doggie somewhere.)
Albert: Hey! I PREFER 'huddle with his plush canine'.
(Whatever.)
Albert: *grumble*
Striker: He started out as the sane one.
Lavitz: Except whenever we passed a Barnes & Noble.
Striker: Well, yeah, but that's a given.
Merry and Pippin: *accidentally fry themselves* X_x
Haschel: Let me guess. You couldn't afford normal fireworks, so you swiped some from the real Gandalf.
Striker: I'm insulted you could suggest such a thing! I ASKED for them!
Haschel: Asked?
Striker: Well, OK, I poked him with his own staff until he gave them to me, but that's not the point!
Haschel: And how many different animals did he turn you into?
Striker: 12. Frog, walrus, gnat, woodpecker, sloth...
Haschel: Nevermind.
Striker: *revives Merry and Pippin*
Dart: *shoving fireworks into his pockets for further use*
************************************************************************
(Later, Dart and Haschel are in Bag End.)
Dart: Fiiiiiiire...
Haschel: Just toss the damn ring in already!
Dart: What? Oh, right. The ring. *throws the ring in*
Lavitz: Isn't it a little weird that Dart is Frodo and his grandfather is Gandalf?
Striker: Yes, well, you as Strider and Rose as Arwen is a little weird too. Therein lies the humor.
Albert: Or the feeble stab at such.
Striker: *glare* Weren't you cowering with your stuffed doggie?
Albert: Huddling with my plush CANINE! Is that so difficult to comprehend?
Dart: *leaning over the fire, trying to see what's happening to the ring* *one of his hair spikes catches on fire* Holy crap! *starts running in circles*
Haschel: *sighs* I cannot believe I am even distantly genetically related to this man.
Dart: Hey, give me a break! I wouldn't have been so close to the fire if I wasn't four feet tall! *hair is now completely consumed in flames*
Striker: I'll let you know when I start caring. You've set youself on fire too many times for me to be interested anymore.
Haschel: *trips Dart with his staff and chuckles* *one of Dart's flaming hair spikes lights his fake beard* CRAP! *starts running around in circles with Dart*
Albert: Ah, the wonders of the human genome.
Striker: Indeed.
(Later, the gang miraculously manages to reach the scene where Haschel is supposed to catch Sam eavesdropping.)
Haschel: Aha! Samwise Gamgee! *holds Sam up by his collar*
Sam: *bites Haschel's hand*
Haschel: *goes into a stream of obscenities* *drops Sam*
Sam: *scampers away on all fours*
Striker: O_o He went into the Old Forest set... we'd better split up and go after him. *divides group into pairs* *hands each pair a walkie talkie* Oh, and one more thing. Since we're not filming... *snaps fingers*
Albert: *shield disappears* What? You can't be serious!
Striker: The shield is merely to prevent potential annoyances during filming. Since we have to break that off while we go find Sam, there's no need for that anymore. Besides, messing with magnetism can cause serious ecology problems. You can mess up the gravity field, and...
Albert: You're just listing plausible excuses so you can get back at me for criticizing your 'writing' ability, aren't you?
Striker: Well... yeah, but that's entirely beside the point.
(A distant stampeding noise is heard.)
Striker: Oh, and by the way, if you wish to keep your status of virginity, I suggest you haul ass.
Albert: I swear, when that shield is back on, you are a dead man.
Striker: *yawn* That's nice. I'll add you to the list. There are about 200 others ahead of you in line, though.
Albert: *had the misfortune of being paired with the revived Shana* Hurry up!
Shana: La la la... *prancing after Albert, occasionally stopping to sniff flowers*
Albert: *eye twitch* *bolts into forest*
Striker: Right. *the pairs split up and go in different directions*
************************************************************************
Group 1 Striker and Dart
Day One 4:57 PM
Striker: You have any idea where we are?
Dart: Nope. *trying to set fire to one of the trees, but not succeeding* What is IN thesse damn trees?
Striker: First of all, it's a magic forest. Secondly, this set is maintained by my Author Magic-Powered Biological Simulation System.
Dart: *grumble* What good is a forest if you can't burn it down?
Striker: Cry me a river. It'll go good with the willows.
Dart: *sticks tongue out at author*
Striker: *checks his watch* It's getting close to the hour. We'd better send out a roll call. *pushes button on walkie talkie* Lavitz?
Lavitz: Yo.
Striker: Miranda?
Miranda: &%^$.
Striker: Kongol?
Kongol: *grunts*
Striker: Haschel?
Haschel: Do you have any idea how hard it is to go searching through a thick forest in these damn robes?
Striker: Don't care. Meru?
Meru: *hyperactive Wingly squeal*
Striker: Rose?
Rose: Here.
Striker: Merry?
Merry: What?
Striker: Good enough. Pippin?
Pippin: Hungry...
Striker: Albert?
Albert: Present.
Striker: Shana?
(Silence.)
Striker: Shana?
Albert: She's dead. She got eaten.
Striker Already? We've only been gone five minutes!
Albert: Amazing, isn't it?
Striker: What was it this time?
Albert: Polar bear.
Striker: Polar bear? We're in the middle of the Old Forest! How the hell did a polar bear get in here?
Albert: Must be some sort of animal magnetism. Anticipation of a free meal.
Striker: Ah well, no big loss. OK, another roll call will be sent out at 5:30.
All: Right.
(Transmission ends.)
Dart: Uh... dude... you might wanna look at this.
Striker: *looks up*
(A crude stick figure midget with spikey hair is hanging from in a nearby tree.)
Striker: That's supposed to be you.
Dart: *shrugs* So? I've got a Soul Eater, a Divine Dragoon Spirit, and innumerable magical fireworks stuffed in every place imaginable on my person. What have I got to be afraid of?
Striker: Okay, I really didn't need to hear that last one. Who do you think did it?
Dart: Who cares?
(A transmission is picked up by their walkie talkie. Static crackles for a few seconds, then Albert's voice comes on.)
Albert: Guys?
Striker: What's up?
Albert: There is something seriously weird going on in here.
Striker: What is it?
Albert: Well...
(Albert's voice is abruptly cut off. Static crackles for a couple of seconds, then Albert starts screaming.)
Dart: The fangirls must have finally caught up with the poor guy. Oh well, at least now he'll be able to teach Emille a thing or two.
Striker: Not now, I think I can hear something else in the background!
(Albert's screaming continues.)
Dart: Damn, he screams like a little girl.
Striker: Dart, shut up. *smacks him upside the head*
(Albert's screaming stops.)
Striker: Albert?
(After a few seconds of static, a new voice comes on.)
Walkie Talkie: Potatoes... Pootaaaaaaaaaaaaaatoes...
Striker and Dart: *look at each other*
Striker: ...the... hell?
Dart: Seriously. I didn't know walkie talkies could speak!
Striker: *smacks him upside the head* They can't!
Dart: But it said...
Striker: I know what it said! That's whoever is on the other end, not the walkie talkie itself.
Dart: Then why didn't you just put the person's name?
Striker: Because we don't know who the person is!
Dart: You're the author. Aren't you supposed to know these things?
Striker: *eye twitch*
Author's Note: A parody of The Blair Witch Project inside a parody of The Lord of The Rings. How odd. Even though I never saw that movie, I'm still doing a parody of it. Don't ask why. I advise taking advantage of Albert's vulnerable state, before we either find Sam or the remainder of his sanity is finally shattered. Okey dokey, I realize that had very little to do with the movie, or with LOTR at all for that matter, but if you're expecting this to always stick to a plot, then you obviously don't know me very well.
Songwind, you read my mind. Lloyd will be Saruman. As for Sauron himself... well, we'll have to wait and be surprised, won't we?
Aerena, I have a feeling this will be a sort of cross-parody from both the books and the movies. Although I have a slightly better grasp of the events of the books than is shown in the movies, I unfortunately don't have the time to go through every page of all three books to get in all the details.
As for future casting opportunities, Lloyd is Saruman, as I already mentioned. I did consider Zior as Elrond, but I ultimately gave him the role of Theoden. I'm seriously considering Savan as Elrond, but that decision isn't set in stone quite yet. For Galadriel I haven't decided yet, although Lisa and Emille would be interesting, undoubtedly.
As for poor Albert/Legolas... I imagine you'll know your opportunity once it is revealed, Harle...
As opposed to previous chapters, narration will now be placed in parentheses. It makes it easier for me. Scene changes, however, will still be indicated by a line of asterisks.
Chapter 2
(We join the dark army summoned by Dart in the previous chapter slightly after the Round Table incident. The pizza parlor, not surprisingly, has been reduced to smoking rubble. The horde has relocated itself to the local bar, and are busy wasting themselves while impersonating drunk Germans. By the way, if anyone particularly cares, the clerk made it out alive by feeding the legion the late manager of the Round Table as a peace offering.)
Dark Soldier 1: *drains his mug and impersonates German accent* Ist dieses nicht lhre kitty katze? (Translation: Is this not your kitty cat?)
Dark Soldier 2: *also impersonating German accent* Ja, ist die meine kitty katze! (Translation: Yes, that is my kitty cat!)
All: *burst into drunken laughter for no reason*
(Yes, that was random and completely pointless. Enjoy.)
************************************************************************
(After leaving that somewhat disturbing scene, we find ourselves with the author/director, the LoD gang, and three very unfortunate hobbits.)
Striker: Aaaaaaand... action!
Dart: *lying around on the hillside, trying to picture the entire expanse of dry grass on fire* Damned author, taking away my lighter... poor Zippo... *sniff* *hears Gandalf's cart coming* Fireworks! Emphasis on FIRE! *runs into the road and is immediately run over by a cart going way too fast*
Lloyd: *driving the renegade cart, whose speed is explained by the fact that the crazed Wingly has swapped the horse for a pair of jet engines* Mock MY love of Care Bears, will you? *sends cart to screeching halt, eyes bulging* Revenge is indeed sweet, foolish mortals!
Striker: You're STILL in the wrong parody, Lloyd!
Dart: *somehow managed to survive, but is now covered in wheel tracks* Someone hasn't had their daily snuggle time!
Lloyd: *goes into violent spasm of twitching*
Albert: *sighs* Not AGAIN... this is the fifth time in what... twelve minutes?
Lavitz: Actually, I'm finding this rather amusing.
Albert: Of course, but we need to get on with this accursed movie if we're ever going to get out of this place.
Lavitz: What's got your boxers in a knot?
Albert: Crude refrences to my underwear aside, this would be the most likely reason. *indicates swarm of fangirls that are still attempting to hurl themselves at him, only to be thrown backwards by the magnetic shield*
Lavitz: Ah yes.
Striker: Let us recollaborate and attempt that frame set once more.
Kongol: Author starting to sound like Albert king. Big words confuse Kongol.
Striker: Kongol, for you,'three' is a big word.
Kongol: *long pause* Hey! That not nice!
Striker: Tell me something I don't know. Take 2! Action!
(Later, Dart and Haschel are riding in on Gandalf's cart, going into the Shire for the first time.)
Dart: O_o Damn, dude...
Haschel: You used Minitos for the Shire hobbits?
Striker: Well, it was either them or the Keebler elves, so...
Haschel: Why not just bring the real hobbits here?
Striker: Because I LIKE Minitos, smartypants. They're short and have funny colored hair!
Dart: I thought they were extinct...
Striker: Pfft. That's what they want you to think. There's actually an abnormally large Minito population in subterreanean caves beneath Chicago...
Dart and Haschel: O_o
Striker: What? They swiped Wingly technology, crossed dimensions, and now live in caves burrowed underneath major cities.
Dart: And you know this because...?
Striker: It is not your position to question my knowledge, only to bask in its glory.
Albert: *snorts*
Lavitz: Dude, I wouldn't do that if I were you. His magic is the only thing keeping you from unspeakable horrors beyond your imagination...
Albert: May I reverse that previous exclamation?
Striker: Only because we're in the middle of filming and I don't feel like taking down the shield at the moment.
Albert: Thank you.
(Albert goes off to cower with his stuffed doggie somewhere.)
Albert: Hey! I PREFER 'huddle with his plush canine'.
(Whatever.)
Albert: *grumble*
Striker: He started out as the sane one.
Lavitz: Except whenever we passed a Barnes & Noble.
Striker: Well, yeah, but that's a given.
Merry and Pippin: *accidentally fry themselves* X_x
Haschel: Let me guess. You couldn't afford normal fireworks, so you swiped some from the real Gandalf.
Striker: I'm insulted you could suggest such a thing! I ASKED for them!
Haschel: Asked?
Striker: Well, OK, I poked him with his own staff until he gave them to me, but that's not the point!
Haschel: And how many different animals did he turn you into?
Striker: 12. Frog, walrus, gnat, woodpecker, sloth...
Haschel: Nevermind.
Striker: *revives Merry and Pippin*
Dart: *shoving fireworks into his pockets for further use*
************************************************************************
(Later, Dart and Haschel are in Bag End.)
Dart: Fiiiiiiire...
Haschel: Just toss the damn ring in already!
Dart: What? Oh, right. The ring. *throws the ring in*
Lavitz: Isn't it a little weird that Dart is Frodo and his grandfather is Gandalf?
Striker: Yes, well, you as Strider and Rose as Arwen is a little weird too. Therein lies the humor.
Albert: Or the feeble stab at such.
Striker: *glare* Weren't you cowering with your stuffed doggie?
Albert: Huddling with my plush CANINE! Is that so difficult to comprehend?
Dart: *leaning over the fire, trying to see what's happening to the ring* *one of his hair spikes catches on fire* Holy crap! *starts running in circles*
Haschel: *sighs* I cannot believe I am even distantly genetically related to this man.
Dart: Hey, give me a break! I wouldn't have been so close to the fire if I wasn't four feet tall! *hair is now completely consumed in flames*
Striker: I'll let you know when I start caring. You've set youself on fire too many times for me to be interested anymore.
Haschel: *trips Dart with his staff and chuckles* *one of Dart's flaming hair spikes lights his fake beard* CRAP! *starts running around in circles with Dart*
Albert: Ah, the wonders of the human genome.
Striker: Indeed.
(Later, the gang miraculously manages to reach the scene where Haschel is supposed to catch Sam eavesdropping.)
Haschel: Aha! Samwise Gamgee! *holds Sam up by his collar*
Sam: *bites Haschel's hand*
Haschel: *goes into a stream of obscenities* *drops Sam*
Sam: *scampers away on all fours*
Striker: O_o He went into the Old Forest set... we'd better split up and go after him. *divides group into pairs* *hands each pair a walkie talkie* Oh, and one more thing. Since we're not filming... *snaps fingers*
Albert: *shield disappears* What? You can't be serious!
Striker: The shield is merely to prevent potential annoyances during filming. Since we have to break that off while we go find Sam, there's no need for that anymore. Besides, messing with magnetism can cause serious ecology problems. You can mess up the gravity field, and...
Albert: You're just listing plausible excuses so you can get back at me for criticizing your 'writing' ability, aren't you?
Striker: Well... yeah, but that's entirely beside the point.
(A distant stampeding noise is heard.)
Striker: Oh, and by the way, if you wish to keep your status of virginity, I suggest you haul ass.
Albert: I swear, when that shield is back on, you are a dead man.
Striker: *yawn* That's nice. I'll add you to the list. There are about 200 others ahead of you in line, though.
Albert: *had the misfortune of being paired with the revived Shana* Hurry up!
Shana: La la la... *prancing after Albert, occasionally stopping to sniff flowers*
Albert: *eye twitch* *bolts into forest*
Striker: Right. *the pairs split up and go in different directions*
************************************************************************
Group 1 Striker and Dart
Day One 4:57 PM
Striker: You have any idea where we are?
Dart: Nope. *trying to set fire to one of the trees, but not succeeding* What is IN thesse damn trees?
Striker: First of all, it's a magic forest. Secondly, this set is maintained by my Author Magic-Powered Biological Simulation System.
Dart: *grumble* What good is a forest if you can't burn it down?
Striker: Cry me a river. It'll go good with the willows.
Dart: *sticks tongue out at author*
Striker: *checks his watch* It's getting close to the hour. We'd better send out a roll call. *pushes button on walkie talkie* Lavitz?
Lavitz: Yo.
Striker: Miranda?
Miranda: &%^$.
Striker: Kongol?
Kongol: *grunts*
Striker: Haschel?
Haschel: Do you have any idea how hard it is to go searching through a thick forest in these damn robes?
Striker: Don't care. Meru?
Meru: *hyperactive Wingly squeal*
Striker: Rose?
Rose: Here.
Striker: Merry?
Merry: What?
Striker: Good enough. Pippin?
Pippin: Hungry...
Striker: Albert?
Albert: Present.
Striker: Shana?
(Silence.)
Striker: Shana?
Albert: She's dead. She got eaten.
Striker Already? We've only been gone five minutes!
Albert: Amazing, isn't it?
Striker: What was it this time?
Albert: Polar bear.
Striker: Polar bear? We're in the middle of the Old Forest! How the hell did a polar bear get in here?
Albert: Must be some sort of animal magnetism. Anticipation of a free meal.
Striker: Ah well, no big loss. OK, another roll call will be sent out at 5:30.
All: Right.
(Transmission ends.)
Dart: Uh... dude... you might wanna look at this.
Striker: *looks up*
(A crude stick figure midget with spikey hair is hanging from in a nearby tree.)
Striker: That's supposed to be you.
Dart: *shrugs* So? I've got a Soul Eater, a Divine Dragoon Spirit, and innumerable magical fireworks stuffed in every place imaginable on my person. What have I got to be afraid of?
Striker: Okay, I really didn't need to hear that last one. Who do you think did it?
Dart: Who cares?
(A transmission is picked up by their walkie talkie. Static crackles for a few seconds, then Albert's voice comes on.)
Albert: Guys?
Striker: What's up?
Albert: There is something seriously weird going on in here.
Striker: What is it?
Albert: Well...
(Albert's voice is abruptly cut off. Static crackles for a couple of seconds, then Albert starts screaming.)
Dart: The fangirls must have finally caught up with the poor guy. Oh well, at least now he'll be able to teach Emille a thing or two.
Striker: Not now, I think I can hear something else in the background!
(Albert's screaming continues.)
Dart: Damn, he screams like a little girl.
Striker: Dart, shut up. *smacks him upside the head*
(Albert's screaming stops.)
Striker: Albert?
(After a few seconds of static, a new voice comes on.)
Walkie Talkie: Potatoes... Pootaaaaaaaaaaaaaatoes...
Striker and Dart: *look at each other*
Striker: ...the... hell?
Dart: Seriously. I didn't know walkie talkies could speak!
Striker: *smacks him upside the head* They can't!
Dart: But it said...
Striker: I know what it said! That's whoever is on the other end, not the walkie talkie itself.
Dart: Then why didn't you just put the person's name?
Striker: Because we don't know who the person is!
Dart: You're the author. Aren't you supposed to know these things?
Striker: *eye twitch*
Author's Note: A parody of The Blair Witch Project inside a parody of The Lord of The Rings. How odd. Even though I never saw that movie, I'm still doing a parody of it. Don't ask why. I advise taking advantage of Albert's vulnerable state, before we either find Sam or the remainder of his sanity is finally shattered. Okey dokey, I realize that had very little to do with the movie, or with LOTR at all for that matter, but if you're expecting this to always stick to a plot, then you obviously don't know me very well.