Author's Note: Yeah, I suppose I might as well put other people in this
one, considering that Shade and Harle are kinda already in this chapter,
Harle more because she wrote herself in, but that's OK. This alternative is
much funnier than the one I had planned anyway.
OK, new casting developments. Savan is indeed Elrond, and I ditched Emille and Lisa and chose Charle for Galadriel. Sorry, but the thought of an ancient Wingly on LSD (I swear, she IS taking hallucinogenes! Just like Zeig!) playing an Elven queen was just too much to resist. Greham will be playing Boromir, and for Faramir I eventually chose Syuveil. Sorry if that bugs anyone.
The title wasn't supposed to have anything to do with it. That's the point. Random insanity and whatnot.
Aw, go and ruin the suspense why don't you, Harle? Nah, I'm joking.
Chapter 3
Group 2: Lavitz and Miranda Day 2 6:28 AM
(Lavitz and Miranda are trudging through the imitation Old Forest. Miranda is spewing forth the longest unbroken chain of obscenities known to mankind, while Lavitz is wondering how he got stuck with the Sacred Sister.)
Miranda: %^&$ @#$% *^&% $#$% @^$% #$^% &^#$ @#%^... *breathes* &$%# %$^& @#$% %#%$ #@#% &$%^ #$&% @#$% #$%^...
Lavitz: *sigh* I knew Eowen was supposed to be slightly unorthodox, but I think this was a slight miscast...
(At this point, Dart and Striker stumble into the same clearing, the shrunken pyromaniac regaling the author with a detailed story of how he set a sleeping cow on fire.)
Dart: And then it woke up, and it kicked me in the head, and then... actually, I don't remember too much after that...
Striker: So that's how it happened...
Dart: How what happened?
Striker: Eh, nevermind.
Lavitz: Trade you.
Miranda: ^&%$ #$%^ @#$% ^&$% #$%&...
Striker: *shrugs* Sure.
Lavitz: Thank Soa. *shoves Miranda in Dart's general direction* Let's go.
Striker: *blinks* Oh. I thought you meant switch them.
Lavitz: Why exactly would I prefer Pyro-Gremlin-Boy over PMSing-Knight-in- need-of-some-SERIOUS-Botox?
Striker: Good point.
************************************************************************
Group 1 ½: Striker and Lavitz Day 2 6:32 AM
Lavitz: OK, do we have any idea where Albert was when we lost contact with him?
Striker: Do you have any idea where we are now?
Lavitz: Uh... no.
Striker: I rest my case.
(A figure waving a gigantic hammer runs through the woods nearby.)
Lavitz: O_o Was that Meru?
Striker: Nah, Shade.
Shade: TICKS MUST DIE!
Lavitz: Oh yeah, I remember now. She's that psychotic midget with the tick mallet who wrote that fic where Lloyd and I get drunk and go on cow-tipping sprees and then we accidentally glued ourselves together during a spitting contest.
Striker: Yup. I was laughing for about four days after reading that.
(A polar bear ambles into the clearing.)
Lavitz: Is that the same one that ate Shana?
Striker: Who knows how many polar bears could be wandering through this forest?
Lavitz: Did that last sentence just sound weird to you?
Striker: Yup.
Lavitz: Are you the same polar bear that ate Shana?
Polar Bear: *regurgitates Shana*
Lavitz: No, no, we were just asking. You can keep her. Please.
Polar Bear: *walks away*
Lavitz: Damn.
Striker: You had to open your mouth, didn't you?
Lavitz: Well how was I supposed to know the overgrown furball swallowed her whole?
Shana: Eeeeww... Dart! *starts running towards Dart and Miranda, who have not moved from the clearing due to the fact that neither noticed that the groups switched because they were too busy spouting their respective streams of useless babble*
Dart: *stops just as he was getting to the part where Doel massacred the horde of angry cows that he 'accidentally' set on fire when he hears Shana's voice* *starts twitching*
Lavitz: O_o He looks like he's having a seizure.
Shana: *sniffle* Dart...
Dart: *turns around to look at her* *snaps* For crying out loud, wench, get over it!
All minus Dart and Shana: O_O *stare in shock*
Shana: *starts bawling*
Dart: What the hell are you all staring at? For years, it's always been the same! 'Dart, do this', or 'Dart, save me here', or 'Dart, brush my %^$&ING PONY'!
Striker: Shana has a pony?
Dart: No, but that's not the damn POINT!
Miranda: &^%$ @#$% #$%^ &^$% $#$^ &^$% #$@# ^%#$ ^$#@ #$%# @^&% #$%^ @#%^! *stops tape recorder* YES! Guiness Book of World Records, here I ^&%$ing come!
Dart: *continues, not hearing Miranda* NONE of this was mentioned in my contract! Sony told me I would be able to create flashy explosions and slice things open. They never said anything about her! Then I get stuck with this saintly, whiny, annoying, fainting, useless... *starts kicking Shana*
All, even Miranda: O_O
Shana: *curls up into a tiny ball*
Dart: You know what else? Do you know what she does when she's asleep? She...
Striker: *cuts him off* I think you'd better stop there. Just in case. Wouldn't want to jepordize the rating.
Dart: *takes a couple deep breaths, eye twitches*
Striker: Done?
Dart: *sighs* Eh, more or less. Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting to say that?
Striker: I think I can imagine.
Lavitz: OK, this has been very... educational and all, but what about Albert?
(Just then, a hooded figure walks by dragging Albert.)
Striker: O_o *blink* Wait a second... that wasn't what was supposed to happen...
Lavitz: What do you mean 'supposed to happen'?
Striker: *suddenly realizes he's let a major secret slip* Erm... I invoke the Fifth Amendment.
Albert: *manages to get his gag off, who knows how* Are you people that mentally challenged? He's the author! He knows everything that's going to happen before it happens, even the way you're going to react! This entire fic is just one giant mind game!
Lavitz: You PLANNED all of this?
Striker: *Memo to self: Take down Albert's shield at random point during filming.* I'm not saying anything without a lawyer.
Lavitz: Why you little...
Striker: Right, time to go! *snaps fingers and everyone except Albert reappears at the set*
Lavitz: What about Albert?
Striker: Eh, let them have him for a while. He's not even in the movie yet anyway.
Lavitz: You're an evil little sadist, you know that?
Striker: Damn proud too. Besides which, you call me 'little' again, and I'll shackle you to Shana for a month.
Lavitz: What about Sam? *points to the gardner hobbit, who is busy scratching himself with one of his feet*
Striker: Rabies. Got bitten by the shrew that ate Shana.
Shana: *sniff*
Lavitz: Which one?
Striker: Good question.
(Is everyone in this fic a total moron?)
Striker: Quiet, you. *starts poking the narrator with a staff*
(Hey, cut that out! Damn it, boy! Oh, right. Narrating. Everyone turns to look at the idiotic author, who is busy poking the almighty all-knowing narrator who is represented to puny mortals as a cloud bank that flashes whenever said omnipotent being speaks.)
Striker: Do I detect a hint of bias in that statement?
(Shut up. Stop poking me, already!)
Lavitz: Is that Gandalf's staff?
Striker: ...Maybe... *resumes poking narrator* Come out of there!
(Fine! The clouds part, revealing the amazing...)
All: *gasp*
Lavitz: Dad?
Greham: SERVI? O_O
(Servi: *grumble*)
Striker: *smiles*
(Servi: I'm starting to regret I took this job.)
Lavitz: Dad... you're not... dead?
(Servi: Of course I'm dead! See, this is why I told Sony to do this in the first place!)
Lavitz: You arranged to die with Sony? Why would you do this?
Greham: *starts crying* They made me do it!
(Servi: Yeah, I told them to kill me, because the two of you were always so damn clingy! I'm not going to raise no pansy! My death made you a man, and then you go off and get yourself killed by some Wingly pansy! Pansy, pansy, pansy! The whole world is full of pansies!)
Doel: Amen to that, brother.
Shana: *gets trampled by an elk*
All: O_o
Author's Note: Bizarre ending to a bizzare chapter, but it was fun to write. Mwahahaha... okey dokey, I'll be quiet now.
OK, new casting developments. Savan is indeed Elrond, and I ditched Emille and Lisa and chose Charle for Galadriel. Sorry, but the thought of an ancient Wingly on LSD (I swear, she IS taking hallucinogenes! Just like Zeig!) playing an Elven queen was just too much to resist. Greham will be playing Boromir, and for Faramir I eventually chose Syuveil. Sorry if that bugs anyone.
The title wasn't supposed to have anything to do with it. That's the point. Random insanity and whatnot.
Aw, go and ruin the suspense why don't you, Harle? Nah, I'm joking.
Chapter 3
Group 2: Lavitz and Miranda Day 2 6:28 AM
(Lavitz and Miranda are trudging through the imitation Old Forest. Miranda is spewing forth the longest unbroken chain of obscenities known to mankind, while Lavitz is wondering how he got stuck with the Sacred Sister.)
Miranda: %^&$ @#$% *^&% $#$% @^$% #$^% &^#$ @#%^... *breathes* &$%# %$^& @#$% %#%$ #@#% &$%^ #$&% @#$% #$%^...
Lavitz: *sigh* I knew Eowen was supposed to be slightly unorthodox, but I think this was a slight miscast...
(At this point, Dart and Striker stumble into the same clearing, the shrunken pyromaniac regaling the author with a detailed story of how he set a sleeping cow on fire.)
Dart: And then it woke up, and it kicked me in the head, and then... actually, I don't remember too much after that...
Striker: So that's how it happened...
Dart: How what happened?
Striker: Eh, nevermind.
Lavitz: Trade you.
Miranda: ^&%$ #$%^ @#$% ^&$% #$%&...
Striker: *shrugs* Sure.
Lavitz: Thank Soa. *shoves Miranda in Dart's general direction* Let's go.
Striker: *blinks* Oh. I thought you meant switch them.
Lavitz: Why exactly would I prefer Pyro-Gremlin-Boy over PMSing-Knight-in- need-of-some-SERIOUS-Botox?
Striker: Good point.
************************************************************************
Group 1 ½: Striker and Lavitz Day 2 6:32 AM
Lavitz: OK, do we have any idea where Albert was when we lost contact with him?
Striker: Do you have any idea where we are now?
Lavitz: Uh... no.
Striker: I rest my case.
(A figure waving a gigantic hammer runs through the woods nearby.)
Lavitz: O_o Was that Meru?
Striker: Nah, Shade.
Shade: TICKS MUST DIE!
Lavitz: Oh yeah, I remember now. She's that psychotic midget with the tick mallet who wrote that fic where Lloyd and I get drunk and go on cow-tipping sprees and then we accidentally glued ourselves together during a spitting contest.
Striker: Yup. I was laughing for about four days after reading that.
(A polar bear ambles into the clearing.)
Lavitz: Is that the same one that ate Shana?
Striker: Who knows how many polar bears could be wandering through this forest?
Lavitz: Did that last sentence just sound weird to you?
Striker: Yup.
Lavitz: Are you the same polar bear that ate Shana?
Polar Bear: *regurgitates Shana*
Lavitz: No, no, we were just asking. You can keep her. Please.
Polar Bear: *walks away*
Lavitz: Damn.
Striker: You had to open your mouth, didn't you?
Lavitz: Well how was I supposed to know the overgrown furball swallowed her whole?
Shana: Eeeeww... Dart! *starts running towards Dart and Miranda, who have not moved from the clearing due to the fact that neither noticed that the groups switched because they were too busy spouting their respective streams of useless babble*
Dart: *stops just as he was getting to the part where Doel massacred the horde of angry cows that he 'accidentally' set on fire when he hears Shana's voice* *starts twitching*
Lavitz: O_o He looks like he's having a seizure.
Shana: *sniffle* Dart...
Dart: *turns around to look at her* *snaps* For crying out loud, wench, get over it!
All minus Dart and Shana: O_O *stare in shock*
Shana: *starts bawling*
Dart: What the hell are you all staring at? For years, it's always been the same! 'Dart, do this', or 'Dart, save me here', or 'Dart, brush my %^$&ING PONY'!
Striker: Shana has a pony?
Dart: No, but that's not the damn POINT!
Miranda: &^%$ @#$% #$%^ &^$% $#$^ &^$% #$@# ^%#$ ^$#@ #$%# @^&% #$%^ @#%^! *stops tape recorder* YES! Guiness Book of World Records, here I ^&%$ing come!
Dart: *continues, not hearing Miranda* NONE of this was mentioned in my contract! Sony told me I would be able to create flashy explosions and slice things open. They never said anything about her! Then I get stuck with this saintly, whiny, annoying, fainting, useless... *starts kicking Shana*
All, even Miranda: O_O
Shana: *curls up into a tiny ball*
Dart: You know what else? Do you know what she does when she's asleep? She...
Striker: *cuts him off* I think you'd better stop there. Just in case. Wouldn't want to jepordize the rating.
Dart: *takes a couple deep breaths, eye twitches*
Striker: Done?
Dart: *sighs* Eh, more or less. Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting to say that?
Striker: I think I can imagine.
Lavitz: OK, this has been very... educational and all, but what about Albert?
(Just then, a hooded figure walks by dragging Albert.)
Striker: O_o *blink* Wait a second... that wasn't what was supposed to happen...
Lavitz: What do you mean 'supposed to happen'?
Striker: *suddenly realizes he's let a major secret slip* Erm... I invoke the Fifth Amendment.
Albert: *manages to get his gag off, who knows how* Are you people that mentally challenged? He's the author! He knows everything that's going to happen before it happens, even the way you're going to react! This entire fic is just one giant mind game!
Lavitz: You PLANNED all of this?
Striker: *Memo to self: Take down Albert's shield at random point during filming.* I'm not saying anything without a lawyer.
Lavitz: Why you little...
Striker: Right, time to go! *snaps fingers and everyone except Albert reappears at the set*
Lavitz: What about Albert?
Striker: Eh, let them have him for a while. He's not even in the movie yet anyway.
Lavitz: You're an evil little sadist, you know that?
Striker: Damn proud too. Besides which, you call me 'little' again, and I'll shackle you to Shana for a month.
Lavitz: What about Sam? *points to the gardner hobbit, who is busy scratching himself with one of his feet*
Striker: Rabies. Got bitten by the shrew that ate Shana.
Shana: *sniff*
Lavitz: Which one?
Striker: Good question.
(Is everyone in this fic a total moron?)
Striker: Quiet, you. *starts poking the narrator with a staff*
(Hey, cut that out! Damn it, boy! Oh, right. Narrating. Everyone turns to look at the idiotic author, who is busy poking the almighty all-knowing narrator who is represented to puny mortals as a cloud bank that flashes whenever said omnipotent being speaks.)
Striker: Do I detect a hint of bias in that statement?
(Shut up. Stop poking me, already!)
Lavitz: Is that Gandalf's staff?
Striker: ...Maybe... *resumes poking narrator* Come out of there!
(Fine! The clouds part, revealing the amazing...)
All: *gasp*
Lavitz: Dad?
Greham: SERVI? O_O
(Servi: *grumble*)
Striker: *smiles*
(Servi: I'm starting to regret I took this job.)
Lavitz: Dad... you're not... dead?
(Servi: Of course I'm dead! See, this is why I told Sony to do this in the first place!)
Lavitz: You arranged to die with Sony? Why would you do this?
Greham: *starts crying* They made me do it!
(Servi: Yeah, I told them to kill me, because the two of you were always so damn clingy! I'm not going to raise no pansy! My death made you a man, and then you go off and get yourself killed by some Wingly pansy! Pansy, pansy, pansy! The whole world is full of pansies!)
Doel: Amen to that, brother.
Shana: *gets trampled by an elk*
All: O_o
Author's Note: Bizarre ending to a bizzare chapter, but it was fun to write. Mwahahaha... okey dokey, I'll be quiet now.