Chapter 4
Panta. . . Pantalai. . . Hi Pan!
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!
That much I know! Know! Know!
Kate: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!
Max: Today we have a very special guest.
Kate: And this time he's not just saying that, because this guest isn't even human!
*Random people herd a pine martin onto the stage*
Pine martin: Don't touch me!
Kate: Please welcome Pantalaimon!
Max: You're saying it wrong.
Kate: Saying what wrong?
Max: Pantalaimon.
Kate: Isn't that what I said?
Max: No, you're pronouncing it 'Pan-tal-uh-mon'. It's supposed to be 'Pan-tuh-ly-mon'.
Kate: Really? I thought it was Pan-tal-uh-mon.
Max: No, it's Pan-tuh-ly-mon.
Kate: What about Pan-tuh-lee-mon?
Max: Or maybe Pan-tuh-lay-mon. . .
Both: . . . Hi Pan!
Pan: Uh. . . where am I? Where is Lyra?
Kate: You're on the Sharpie Show! And we interviewed Lyra already.
Pan: Lyra warned me about you!
Max: I'm not surprised.
Kate: Ulita the Devine Authores asks "Are you, by any chance, related to Bill Clinton?"
Pan: Er. . . not that I know of.
Kate: Hah! Told you! Pay up!
Max: Spoot. *hands Kate five bucks*
Kate: *counts money* Ha ha! Now I can buy that Saruman-of-the-girly-hands key chain!
Max: -.- my hard earned cash is going to buy your ninth Lord of the Rings key chain?
Kate: What are you talking about? This wasn't hard earned, you stole it from your little brother. I should actually give it back to him.
Max: Do you know how hard it is to rip off my sibling?
Kate: Especially when that sibling is so much smarter than you.
Max: HEY!
Pan: O.o now I know why Lyra wouldn't stop shaking when she came back from this awful place. . .
Kate: Oh stop exaggerating.
Max: You only say that because it`s true. Morpherkidvb asks "Now why the heck did you have to turn into the stupid ferret?"
Pan: I'm not a ferret! I'm a pine martin!
Kate: You're a WEASEL! *points and laughs*
Pan: No I'm not! I'm a PINE MARTIN!
Max: Who cares? Answer the question.
Pan: I can't really control what I turn into. . . I am the physical embodiment of Lyra's soul, after all.
Kate: So Lyra's soul is a weasel?
Pan: Yes. . . I mean NO!
Kate: *giggles* Weasel weasel weasel. . .
Pan: *looks at Kate* You're as stupid as Lyra told me.
Kate: I'm not stupid! I'm VERY smart! *raspberries Pan* Thbbbt!
Pan: *raspberries Kate* Thbbbt!
Kate: THBBBBT!
Pan: THBBBT!
Kate: TH-
Max: STOPPIT! You're getting me wet!
Kate: Sorry dude *tosses Max a towel* As of now the Trash Can is a no-spitting zone. The Pickle of Life asks "Have you ever had the suspicion that the Communists were really behind the whole Oblation Board thingy? And do you like Buttered Toast?"
Pan: I'm not sure I know what a communist is, but I do like buttered toast. . .
Max/Kate: Mmmmm, buttered toast!
*loud growling*
Pan: O.O What was that?
Kate: That question got me hungry.
Max: Me too.
Kate: Okay, um. . . cut to commercial!
==========
COMMERCIAL
==========
Max: Do you like jumping from high places without a parachute? Are you scared a Mafia hit man is after you? Is your co-host just a pain in the ass with a weapon?
Kate: *off screen* WHY YOU LITTLE. . .
Max: Then IMMORTALITY SPRAY is the product for you! One spray and you're good to go! Gulp down a bottle of window cleaner, jump off your next door neighbors roof, go swimming with cement shoes, it doesn't matter! You're immortal! AND it comes with a lifetime guarantee! WOW!
*cut to close up of Immortality Spray*
Max: Immortality Spray! Steal it from Hikaness today!
==========
END COMMERCIAL
==========
Kate: Hi everyone! Welcome back to the Sharpie Show!
Max: If you weren't with us already or just have a really bad memory, our guest today is Panta. . . Pantalai. . . Lyra's daemon!
Pan: Um. . . my name is pronounced Pan -
*Pan's voice is cut off by the sound of a truck driving by*
Kate: Say that again?
Pan: My name is Pan -
*Pan is cut off by loud hammering in the background*
Max: WHO IS HAMMERING!?
Pan: PAN-
*Pan is cut off by the sound of cows outside mooing*
Max: ARGH! I TOLD you we shouldn't have taken the trash can outside the dairy farm!
Kate: But I LIKE cows!
Pan: . . . do I really have to say it?
Kate: Nah, don't bother. You know how the laws of Comedic timing work.
Pan: Actually, no I don't.
Max: Oh well, who cares. AngelFade says "Ask Pan if he knows what my daemon is."
Pan: I don't know, I'm not really able to determine what a persons daemon is. *thinking* These two probably have very stupid ones. . .
Max: AF also says "Then grind his ego into the dirt. Then give him a gift. Then grind his ego into the dirt again." May I?
Kate: You would anyway.
Max: *points at Pan and laughs* HAHA! You stupid daemon! You're as dumb as your name is hard to pronounce!
Pan: What?! Maybe my name's only hard to pronounce because YOU'RE stupid!
Kate: Aww, don't feel bad. Here, have a cookie! *hands Pan a cookie*
Pan: Thank you.
Max: You're still dumb. And your name IS hard to pronounce.
Pan: ¬_¬
Kate: Lemonhead! wants you to do a cheer for us!
Pan: Um. . . why?
Kate: Don't ask. *hands Pan the paper with the cheer on it*
Pan: Alright. . . *very unenthusiastically* Bananas unite. Bananas split. Go Bananas. Go Bananas. Bananas to the left. Bananas to the right. Peel your banana and *mm* take a bite. Go Bananas. Go Bananas. Whoo.
Kate: GO BANANAS! YIPPEEEE! ^_^
Max: Does this cheer remind you of anything?
Pan: Um. . . how about bananas?
Kate: Mmm. . .banana splits. . . yummy ice cream. . .
Max: Darnit, now I'm hungry again!
Kate: That's all the time we have for now. Max and I have to get a snack. . .again. . . but be sure to send in questions for our next guest, Kirjava!
Pan: KIRJAVA'S COMING!? I MUST SEE KIRJAVA!
Max: I'm really getting tired of them wailing about how they "must see so-and-so".
Kate: It'll probably stop after we finish interviewing Kirjava. How much money you got?
Max: You took it all.
Kate: Oh. Whatever. Let's go to Haagen Dazs.
============
A/N: Uh. . . I can't pronounce Pan's name ^^;;; send in questions for Kirjava!
Panta. . . Pantalai. . . Hi Pan!
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!
That much I know! Know! Know!
Kate: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!
Max: Today we have a very special guest.
Kate: And this time he's not just saying that, because this guest isn't even human!
*Random people herd a pine martin onto the stage*
Pine martin: Don't touch me!
Kate: Please welcome Pantalaimon!
Max: You're saying it wrong.
Kate: Saying what wrong?
Max: Pantalaimon.
Kate: Isn't that what I said?
Max: No, you're pronouncing it 'Pan-tal-uh-mon'. It's supposed to be 'Pan-tuh-ly-mon'.
Kate: Really? I thought it was Pan-tal-uh-mon.
Max: No, it's Pan-tuh-ly-mon.
Kate: What about Pan-tuh-lee-mon?
Max: Or maybe Pan-tuh-lay-mon. . .
Both: . . . Hi Pan!
Pan: Uh. . . where am I? Where is Lyra?
Kate: You're on the Sharpie Show! And we interviewed Lyra already.
Pan: Lyra warned me about you!
Max: I'm not surprised.
Kate: Ulita the Devine Authores asks "Are you, by any chance, related to Bill Clinton?"
Pan: Er. . . not that I know of.
Kate: Hah! Told you! Pay up!
Max: Spoot. *hands Kate five bucks*
Kate: *counts money* Ha ha! Now I can buy that Saruman-of-the-girly-hands key chain!
Max: -.- my hard earned cash is going to buy your ninth Lord of the Rings key chain?
Kate: What are you talking about? This wasn't hard earned, you stole it from your little brother. I should actually give it back to him.
Max: Do you know how hard it is to rip off my sibling?
Kate: Especially when that sibling is so much smarter than you.
Max: HEY!
Pan: O.o now I know why Lyra wouldn't stop shaking when she came back from this awful place. . .
Kate: Oh stop exaggerating.
Max: You only say that because it`s true. Morpherkidvb asks "Now why the heck did you have to turn into the stupid ferret?"
Pan: I'm not a ferret! I'm a pine martin!
Kate: You're a WEASEL! *points and laughs*
Pan: No I'm not! I'm a PINE MARTIN!
Max: Who cares? Answer the question.
Pan: I can't really control what I turn into. . . I am the physical embodiment of Lyra's soul, after all.
Kate: So Lyra's soul is a weasel?
Pan: Yes. . . I mean NO!
Kate: *giggles* Weasel weasel weasel. . .
Pan: *looks at Kate* You're as stupid as Lyra told me.
Kate: I'm not stupid! I'm VERY smart! *raspberries Pan* Thbbbt!
Pan: *raspberries Kate* Thbbbt!
Kate: THBBBBT!
Pan: THBBBT!
Kate: TH-
Max: STOPPIT! You're getting me wet!
Kate: Sorry dude *tosses Max a towel* As of now the Trash Can is a no-spitting zone. The Pickle of Life asks "Have you ever had the suspicion that the Communists were really behind the whole Oblation Board thingy? And do you like Buttered Toast?"
Pan: I'm not sure I know what a communist is, but I do like buttered toast. . .
Max/Kate: Mmmmm, buttered toast!
*loud growling*
Pan: O.O What was that?
Kate: That question got me hungry.
Max: Me too.
Kate: Okay, um. . . cut to commercial!
==========
COMMERCIAL
==========
Max: Do you like jumping from high places without a parachute? Are you scared a Mafia hit man is after you? Is your co-host just a pain in the ass with a weapon?
Kate: *off screen* WHY YOU LITTLE. . .
Max: Then IMMORTALITY SPRAY is the product for you! One spray and you're good to go! Gulp down a bottle of window cleaner, jump off your next door neighbors roof, go swimming with cement shoes, it doesn't matter! You're immortal! AND it comes with a lifetime guarantee! WOW!
*cut to close up of Immortality Spray*
Max: Immortality Spray! Steal it from Hikaness today!
==========
END COMMERCIAL
==========
Kate: Hi everyone! Welcome back to the Sharpie Show!
Max: If you weren't with us already or just have a really bad memory, our guest today is Panta. . . Pantalai. . . Lyra's daemon!
Pan: Um. . . my name is pronounced Pan -
*Pan's voice is cut off by the sound of a truck driving by*
Kate: Say that again?
Pan: My name is Pan -
*Pan is cut off by loud hammering in the background*
Max: WHO IS HAMMERING!?
Pan: PAN-
*Pan is cut off by the sound of cows outside mooing*
Max: ARGH! I TOLD you we shouldn't have taken the trash can outside the dairy farm!
Kate: But I LIKE cows!
Pan: . . . do I really have to say it?
Kate: Nah, don't bother. You know how the laws of Comedic timing work.
Pan: Actually, no I don't.
Max: Oh well, who cares. AngelFade says "Ask Pan if he knows what my daemon is."
Pan: I don't know, I'm not really able to determine what a persons daemon is. *thinking* These two probably have very stupid ones. . .
Max: AF also says "Then grind his ego into the dirt. Then give him a gift. Then grind his ego into the dirt again." May I?
Kate: You would anyway.
Max: *points at Pan and laughs* HAHA! You stupid daemon! You're as dumb as your name is hard to pronounce!
Pan: What?! Maybe my name's only hard to pronounce because YOU'RE stupid!
Kate: Aww, don't feel bad. Here, have a cookie! *hands Pan a cookie*
Pan: Thank you.
Max: You're still dumb. And your name IS hard to pronounce.
Pan: ¬_¬
Kate: Lemonhead! wants you to do a cheer for us!
Pan: Um. . . why?
Kate: Don't ask. *hands Pan the paper with the cheer on it*
Pan: Alright. . . *very unenthusiastically* Bananas unite. Bananas split. Go Bananas. Go Bananas. Bananas to the left. Bananas to the right. Peel your banana and *mm* take a bite. Go Bananas. Go Bananas. Whoo.
Kate: GO BANANAS! YIPPEEEE! ^_^
Max: Does this cheer remind you of anything?
Pan: Um. . . how about bananas?
Kate: Mmm. . .banana splits. . . yummy ice cream. . .
Max: Darnit, now I'm hungry again!
Kate: That's all the time we have for now. Max and I have to get a snack. . .again. . . but be sure to send in questions for our next guest, Kirjava!
Pan: KIRJAVA'S COMING!? I MUST SEE KIRJAVA!
Max: I'm really getting tired of them wailing about how they "must see so-and-so".
Kate: It'll probably stop after we finish interviewing Kirjava. How much money you got?
Max: You took it all.
Kate: Oh. Whatever. Let's go to Haagen Dazs.
============
A/N: Uh. . . I can't pronounce Pan's name ^^;;; send in questions for Kirjava!