Chapter 7
Mrs. Coulter and. . . whatshisname
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!
That much I know! Know! Know!
Max: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!
Kate: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. . .
Max: Excuse her. She's overly excited because the Fellowship of the Ring finally came out on video.
Kate: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. . .
Max: If you ask me, they could've waited at least another month -.-
Kate: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. . .
Max: Before my head explodes, please welcome our guests for the day, Mrs. Coulter and . . . uh. . . what'shisname!
Kate:EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Okay, I'm done!
Max: O.O You are?
Kate: Well I wanna ask Mrs. Coulter questions too!
*Mrs. Coulter and her Daemon materialize*
Mrs. Coulter: AAAAAA. . . Hey! I'm not falling! I'm alive!
Kate: Funny, that was what Lord Asriel said.
Mrs. Coulter: Asriel was here. . . O.O Is this . . .
Max: The Sharpie Show?
Kate: The show where we kidnap random His Dark Materials characters and force them to answer our questions?
Max: Where our last guest was Lord Asriel and Stelmaria?
Kate: Yes indeedy it is.
Mrs. Coulter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!
Max: MY EARS!
Kate: First question is from me!
Max: You?
Kate: Sure, why not? Okay golden monkey thing. . . what is your name?
Monkey: . . . uh. . . I don't know. . . do you have any small animals I could tear the limbs off of?
Max: o.O That's just nasty.
Kate: May I name you?
Monkey: I suppose so.
Kate: Okay then! Your name is. . . Thurston!
Monkey: O.O No, you may NOT name me!
Max: Too late. . . Thurston. . .*snickers* next question is from a_troubled_girl who asks Thurston . . .
Monkey: MY NAME IS NOT THURSTON!
Max: *glare* Who asks Thurston "how did a golden monkey get attracted to a snow leopard [stelmaria]?"
Monkey: She's a sexy snow leopard. What can I say?
Kate/Max: *blink* Ewwww!
Kate: *reading a_troubled_girl's question* Hee hee! Mr. Psy-cho-lo-gist is your friend too? I like Mr. Psy-cho-lo-gist! He asks me lots of questions and I make my chair fall over and he makes a funny groaning noise and takes some pills from the little bottle on his desk! Then the nice young men in white coats come and take me to the happy place where I can run into the walls and it doesn't hurt!! NEHAHAHAHA!
Max: Have you ever noticed what an interesting noise those men make when you kick them in the crotch?
Kate: Never tried that.
Max: You should.
Kate: I think I will.
Mrs. Coulter/Monkey: O.o No wonder Asriel was glad to return.
Kate: Manda Falcon asks Mrs. Coulter "Why isn't your name Bob?"
Mrs. Coulter: My parents didn't think it suited me.
Kate: Why?
Mrs. Coulter: Oh, perhaps because I'm FEMALE?!
Max: *sarcasm* REALLY?! We didn't notice! Manda Falcon also asks Thurston. . .
Monkey: MY NAME IS NOT THURSTON!
Max: "Why isn't your name Fred?"
Kate: OOOH! I KNOW! I KNOW! Because his name is THURSTON!
Monkey: -.- Do you actually TRY to be stupid?
Kate: Naw, it just comes natural ^_^ Hikaness asks "Mrs. Coulter... did you know that there's a Swiffer Sweeper behind you right now? It's going to attack you."
Mrs. Coulter: AAAUGH! NOT THE SWIFFER SWEEPER! WHERE?!
Max: You know what a Swiffer Sweeper is?
Mrs. Coulter: *freezes, mid jump* Actually, no. I don't. *sits down and tries to look dignified*
Max: tigress247 says "Ask the golden monkey why isnt he a purple monkey instead."*grumble* Why do I always have to ask Thurston the questions?
Monkey: If I were purple I'd just look silly. And my name is NOT Thurston!
Kate: Morpherkidvb asks Mrs. Coulter "Have you ever had the urge?"
Mrs. Coulter: The urge to what?
Max: *sings* SHE'S GOT THE URGE!
Kate: THE URGE TO HERBAL!
Max: Morpherkidvb asks Thurston. . . Kate, are you rigging this?
Kate: Who, me? *glowing halo appears over head*
Max: Oh yeah, THAT'S believable.
Kate: *halo sizzles and goes out*
Max: Anyway Morpherkidvb asks Thurston "Have you every thought your human is a complete git? Because something tells me she could be stupid sometimes if she really wanted to..."
Monkey: Of course not! Marisa and I are one entity, and if she's a complete git, so am I!
Kate: *giggles*
Max: THAT explains a lot. *smirks*
Monkey: . . . yes I do. And my name is NOT Thurston! Dude, I REALLY need to torture a small, defenseless animal!
Kate: *gasp* FOR SHAME, THURSTON!
Max: Do yourself a favor and join Small Defenseless Animal Torturers Anonymous!
Kate: *sounding acronym out very slowly* Sssddata? Sdata. SDATA! ^_^
Max: -.-
Kate: Georgia_Ginger asks Mrs. Coulter "What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?"
Mrs. Coulter: then. . . I would fanatically support it until the day I died, and use it as my excuse to kill and torture hapless innocent bystanders! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kate: O.O
Max: Yes. We're sure you would. *pats Mrs. Coulter*
Mrs. Coulter: Nehahahaha. . .
Max: Georgia_Ginger also wants to see Thurston doing the macarena wearing a skirt made of. . . fig leaves. . .O.O *starts talking really fast* Unfortunately-we-don't-have-any-fig-leaves-yes-sir-ee-no-fig-leaves-here-not-at-all. . .
Kate: What are you talking about? This is where you left YOUR fig leaves after you ran around the neighborhood wearing nothing but that skirt that Halloween when you ate all your candy in one night and drank seven bottles of Mountain Dew.
Max: O.O You KNOW ABOUT THAT?!
Kate: I have pictures! *holds up handful of very embarrassing pictures of Max wearing nothing but a fig leaf skirt, running around and screaming at the top of his lungs with chocolate smeared all over his face*
Max: WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE?! *dives at Kate*
Kate: *holds pictures out of reach* Lizz lent them to me! ^_^
Lizz: *randomly appears* I have embarrassing pictures of EVERYONE! *grabs pictures and dissapears*
Mrs. Coulter/Monkey: O.O Who was THAT?
Kate: That was my best friend Lizz! ^_^
Max: *glares at Kate and plots revenge*
Kate: Aaanyway. . . *produces fig leaf skirt out of nowhere*
Max: *screams and falls off of chair*
Kate: *ties the fig skirt around the Monkey's waist, much to his chagrin* Dance, Thurston!
Monkey: . . . What is the Macarena?
Kate: -.- I guess that's not going to work. Phooey. *takes skirt back and hides it*
Max: *sits on chair again* Kat097 asks "Why didn't you let Lyra keep her bag? All she wanted was the little white shoulder bag. It could have been useful. why are you so cruel to poor widdle Lyra? *bursts nto tear* WHY? OH GOD WHY?????
Mrs. Coulter: The bag didn't go with her outfit.
Kate: Who cares?
Mrs. Coulter: *affected by OOC* And, like, coordinating outfits are, like, soooo important! I, like, only wanted Lyra to look good!
Kate/Max: AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! EVIL PREP COULTER LADY! *whack Mrs. Coulter with their microphone/spatula*
Mrs. Coulter: Thank you, I needed that.
Kate: Kat097 also asks "can I have a cookie?"
Mrs. Coulter: I don't have any cookies.
Kate: I DO! *holds out tray of cookies* COOKIES ARE SPIFFY!
Max: Sweet! *stuffs mouth full of cookies*
Kate: ^_^ *ditto, throws one to Kat097*
Mrs. Coulter: Can I have one?
Kate: No.
Mrs. Coulter: Why not!?
Kate: You were all mean to Lyra!
Max: *sticks out tongue, covered with chewed up cookie*
Mrs. Coulter: O.O Disgusting! *covers mouth and runs out of trashcan with Thurston, where she vaporizes*
Max:*blink*
Kate: Aww, you did it again!
Max: I guess that's our show for today.
Kate: Our next guest is Lee Scoresby! BALLOON MAN! ^_^ And his daemon Hester, of course!
Max: *imitates Kate* I had a balloon once. . .*giggle* but then it popped. . .and I was all sad. . . so I killed Max!
Kate: I did not! I only severely maimed you! And besides, YOU popped it!
===============
A/N: THURSTON!!! XD
Send in questions for Lee and Hester, who are mighty spiffy, I shall add! ^_^
Mrs. Coulter and. . . whatshisname
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!
That much I know! Know! Know!
Max: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!
Kate: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. . .
Max: Excuse her. She's overly excited because the Fellowship of the Ring finally came out on video.
Kate: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. . .
Max: If you ask me, they could've waited at least another month -.-
Kate: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. . .
Max: Before my head explodes, please welcome our guests for the day, Mrs. Coulter and . . . uh. . . what'shisname!
Kate:EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Okay, I'm done!
Max: O.O You are?
Kate: Well I wanna ask Mrs. Coulter questions too!
*Mrs. Coulter and her Daemon materialize*
Mrs. Coulter: AAAAAA. . . Hey! I'm not falling! I'm alive!
Kate: Funny, that was what Lord Asriel said.
Mrs. Coulter: Asriel was here. . . O.O Is this . . .
Max: The Sharpie Show?
Kate: The show where we kidnap random His Dark Materials characters and force them to answer our questions?
Max: Where our last guest was Lord Asriel and Stelmaria?
Kate: Yes indeedy it is.
Mrs. Coulter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!
Max: MY EARS!
Kate: First question is from me!
Max: You?
Kate: Sure, why not? Okay golden monkey thing. . . what is your name?
Monkey: . . . uh. . . I don't know. . . do you have any small animals I could tear the limbs off of?
Max: o.O That's just nasty.
Kate: May I name you?
Monkey: I suppose so.
Kate: Okay then! Your name is. . . Thurston!
Monkey: O.O No, you may NOT name me!
Max: Too late. . . Thurston. . .*snickers* next question is from a_troubled_girl who asks Thurston . . .
Monkey: MY NAME IS NOT THURSTON!
Max: *glare* Who asks Thurston "how did a golden monkey get attracted to a snow leopard [stelmaria]?"
Monkey: She's a sexy snow leopard. What can I say?
Kate/Max: *blink* Ewwww!
Kate: *reading a_troubled_girl's question* Hee hee! Mr. Psy-cho-lo-gist is your friend too? I like Mr. Psy-cho-lo-gist! He asks me lots of questions and I make my chair fall over and he makes a funny groaning noise and takes some pills from the little bottle on his desk! Then the nice young men in white coats come and take me to the happy place where I can run into the walls and it doesn't hurt!! NEHAHAHAHA!
Max: Have you ever noticed what an interesting noise those men make when you kick them in the crotch?
Kate: Never tried that.
Max: You should.
Kate: I think I will.
Mrs. Coulter/Monkey: O.o No wonder Asriel was glad to return.
Kate: Manda Falcon asks Mrs. Coulter "Why isn't your name Bob?"
Mrs. Coulter: My parents didn't think it suited me.
Kate: Why?
Mrs. Coulter: Oh, perhaps because I'm FEMALE?!
Max: *sarcasm* REALLY?! We didn't notice! Manda Falcon also asks Thurston. . .
Monkey: MY NAME IS NOT THURSTON!
Max: "Why isn't your name Fred?"
Kate: OOOH! I KNOW! I KNOW! Because his name is THURSTON!
Monkey: -.- Do you actually TRY to be stupid?
Kate: Naw, it just comes natural ^_^ Hikaness asks "Mrs. Coulter... did you know that there's a Swiffer Sweeper behind you right now? It's going to attack you."
Mrs. Coulter: AAAUGH! NOT THE SWIFFER SWEEPER! WHERE?!
Max: You know what a Swiffer Sweeper is?
Mrs. Coulter: *freezes, mid jump* Actually, no. I don't. *sits down and tries to look dignified*
Max: tigress247 says "Ask the golden monkey why isnt he a purple monkey instead."*grumble* Why do I always have to ask Thurston the questions?
Monkey: If I were purple I'd just look silly. And my name is NOT Thurston!
Kate: Morpherkidvb asks Mrs. Coulter "Have you ever had the urge?"
Mrs. Coulter: The urge to what?
Max: *sings* SHE'S GOT THE URGE!
Kate: THE URGE TO HERBAL!
Max: Morpherkidvb asks Thurston. . . Kate, are you rigging this?
Kate: Who, me? *glowing halo appears over head*
Max: Oh yeah, THAT'S believable.
Kate: *halo sizzles and goes out*
Max: Anyway Morpherkidvb asks Thurston "Have you every thought your human is a complete git? Because something tells me she could be stupid sometimes if she really wanted to..."
Monkey: Of course not! Marisa and I are one entity, and if she's a complete git, so am I!
Kate: *giggles*
Max: THAT explains a lot. *smirks*
Monkey: . . . yes I do. And my name is NOT Thurston! Dude, I REALLY need to torture a small, defenseless animal!
Kate: *gasp* FOR SHAME, THURSTON!
Max: Do yourself a favor and join Small Defenseless Animal Torturers Anonymous!
Kate: *sounding acronym out very slowly* Sssddata? Sdata. SDATA! ^_^
Max: -.-
Kate: Georgia_Ginger asks Mrs. Coulter "What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?"
Mrs. Coulter: then. . . I would fanatically support it until the day I died, and use it as my excuse to kill and torture hapless innocent bystanders! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kate: O.O
Max: Yes. We're sure you would. *pats Mrs. Coulter*
Mrs. Coulter: Nehahahaha. . .
Max: Georgia_Ginger also wants to see Thurston doing the macarena wearing a skirt made of. . . fig leaves. . .O.O *starts talking really fast* Unfortunately-we-don't-have-any-fig-leaves-yes-sir-ee-no-fig-leaves-here-not-at-all. . .
Kate: What are you talking about? This is where you left YOUR fig leaves after you ran around the neighborhood wearing nothing but that skirt that Halloween when you ate all your candy in one night and drank seven bottles of Mountain Dew.
Max: O.O You KNOW ABOUT THAT?!
Kate: I have pictures! *holds up handful of very embarrassing pictures of Max wearing nothing but a fig leaf skirt, running around and screaming at the top of his lungs with chocolate smeared all over his face*
Max: WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE?! *dives at Kate*
Kate: *holds pictures out of reach* Lizz lent them to me! ^_^
Lizz: *randomly appears* I have embarrassing pictures of EVERYONE! *grabs pictures and dissapears*
Mrs. Coulter/Monkey: O.O Who was THAT?
Kate: That was my best friend Lizz! ^_^
Max: *glares at Kate and plots revenge*
Kate: Aaanyway. . . *produces fig leaf skirt out of nowhere*
Max: *screams and falls off of chair*
Kate: *ties the fig skirt around the Monkey's waist, much to his chagrin* Dance, Thurston!
Monkey: . . . What is the Macarena?
Kate: -.- I guess that's not going to work. Phooey. *takes skirt back and hides it*
Max: *sits on chair again* Kat097 asks "Why didn't you let Lyra keep her bag? All she wanted was the little white shoulder bag. It could have been useful. why are you so cruel to poor widdle Lyra? *bursts nto tear* WHY? OH GOD WHY?????
Mrs. Coulter: The bag didn't go with her outfit.
Kate: Who cares?
Mrs. Coulter: *affected by OOC* And, like, coordinating outfits are, like, soooo important! I, like, only wanted Lyra to look good!
Kate/Max: AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! EVIL PREP COULTER LADY! *whack Mrs. Coulter with their microphone/spatula*
Mrs. Coulter: Thank you, I needed that.
Kate: Kat097 also asks "can I have a cookie?"
Mrs. Coulter: I don't have any cookies.
Kate: I DO! *holds out tray of cookies* COOKIES ARE SPIFFY!
Max: Sweet! *stuffs mouth full of cookies*
Kate: ^_^ *ditto, throws one to Kat097*
Mrs. Coulter: Can I have one?
Kate: No.
Mrs. Coulter: Why not!?
Kate: You were all mean to Lyra!
Max: *sticks out tongue, covered with chewed up cookie*
Mrs. Coulter: O.O Disgusting! *covers mouth and runs out of trashcan with Thurston, where she vaporizes*
Max:*blink*
Kate: Aww, you did it again!
Max: I guess that's our show for today.
Kate: Our next guest is Lee Scoresby! BALLOON MAN! ^_^ And his daemon Hester, of course!
Max: *imitates Kate* I had a balloon once. . .*giggle* but then it popped. . .and I was all sad. . . so I killed Max!
Kate: I did not! I only severely maimed you! And besides, YOU popped it!
===============
A/N: THURSTON!!! XD
Send in questions for Lee and Hester, who are mighty spiffy, I shall add! ^_^