Chapter 16:
Jopari the Holey Headed
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!
That much I know! Know! Know!
Kate: Welcome to the I-Can't-Believe-It's-Finally-Been-Updated Sharpie Show!
Max: The show where we kidnap HDM characters and FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MUAHAHAHA!
Kate: Our guest today is none other than Will's dad, John Parry!
Max: Or Stanislaus Grumman.
Kate: Or Jopari.
Max: Dude has a lotta names.
Kate: Aragorn's got him beat.
*random people drag John Parry onstage*
John: Can't you people let me be dead in peace?!
Kate: O_O Jeeze you have thick eyebrows.
John: =_=
Max: So! Let's get to it, shall we? *clears throat* TheLF asks "So, was your wife always a total nutcase or was it the result of eating fifteen industrial-sized buckets of purple cheese?"
John: I TOLD her not to eat it! I TOLD her purple wasn't one of the natural colors of cheese! But did she listen to me? NO! And look what it got her! =_=
Kate: What DID it get her?
John: . . . I am too enlightened to answer that.
Kate: But you HAVE to answer! This is the show where we kidnap HDM characters and force them to reveal their most hideous secrets!
Max: MUAHAHAHAHA!
John: . . . I'm still more enlightened than you are.
Max: WRONG ANSWER! *whaps John with Chester*
John: OW! DON'T HIT ME THERE!
Kate: Why?
John: That's where the hole in my skull is!
Kate: O_O REALLY?
Max: *pulls out tape recorder* Note to self . . . whack John Parry on the head as many times as possible.
Kate: Hey! You know what? My daddy has a dent in his skull from when he had brain surgery! ^_^
John: . . . that's . . . nice.
Kate: He lets me poke it!
John: . . . so?
Kate: Can I poke YOUR skull dent?
John: NO!
Kate: *starts poking John in the head* ^_^ Pokity poke poke!
John: CUT THAT OUT!
Max: You think if we cut the skin on his dent we could see his brain?
Kate: I dunno. Wanna find out?
Max: SURE! *maniacal eye-glint*
John: O_O NO! I. . . uh. . . what about those questions?
Kate: Oh yeah! We can't perform a lobotomy on him until AFTER the show.
Max: Darn. I wanted to see his brain now!
John: o_o I am very frightened.
Kate: And well you should be ^_^ Next question comes from world domination on a plate, who asks "If your kid weighs 35 pounds and there were 93 pounds in your mouth, how long is the distance between Adolf Hitler and 19 miles?"
John: Wait! I know this one!
Kate: Of course you do! The answer is 42.
John: What?
Max: 42 is the ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!
Kate: *points to audience, Uncle Sam style* Do YOU know where your towel is?
John: . . . I don't have a towel.
Max: O_O WHAT?!
Kate: How do you expect to be a proper Galactic Hitchhiker if you don't have a towel?
John: . . . I don't.
Kate: . . . then you need a towel!
John: I do not!
Max: EVERYONE needs a towel! Here, have one. *hands John a Complimentary Sharpie Show Towel*
John: Uh . . . thanks.
Max: zydeko00 asks "HI KATE!!!!!!"
Kate: HIII!!!!! ^_^
Max: . . . How did you suddenly have powers? Did you drink some insanity fizz and it went down the wrong way? Did you make a deal with the evil urple violins? The world needs to know!!!!!"
John: HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?! O_O er . . . uh . . . I mean . . .
Kate: Oooh, you consorted with the urple violins!
Max: SHAME on you, man!
John: . . . I WAS YOUNG! THEY GAVE ME A COOL RATTLE AND NEAT POWERS! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO RESIST?
Kate: Just for that, we're not gonna give you a lobotomy!
Max: We're not?
John: You're not?
Kate: No. We're going to . . . REMOVE YOUR ENTIRE BRAIN!
John: AAAAAUGH! O_O
Max: WOO HOO!
Kate: But first we have to finish asking you questions. Tigress247 asks "John, whats with the whole drilling holes in the skull thing? seriously. WHY?! i mean, what purpose does it serve?? can you *see* out of it? does it tell the future? can it find my missing socks?!"
John: My almighty power has determined that your missing socks are . . . in the refrigerator!
Kate: . . .
Max: No kidding? My socks ALWAYS end up there!
Kate: . . . I usually just find my socks under my bed . . .
Max: Can't you find a more interesting place to loose your socks?
Kate: I suppose I could. *pulls out tape recorder* Note to self . . . loose socks in more interesting places.
Max: Gimme back my tape recorder.
Kate: Nuh uh. This is MINE. You borrowed it from me three days ago.
Max: did not!
Kate: Did too!
Max: Prove it!
Kate: Make me!
Max: Make me make you.
Kate: Make me make you make me.
Max: Make me make you make me make you.
Kate: Make -
John: AHEM!
Max: . . . right. San the Insane asks "Hi John. ^*^ You're spiffy, because You're Will's dad.
...OR ARE YOU! IT'S A CONSPIRACY! HE'S NOT WILL'S DAD, LORD ASRIEL IS!!! *gasp* INCCEST!!!!!!
....or maybe Metatron is Will's dad.... O_o"
John: Oh, I'm Will's Dad allright. He has my eyebrows. *Grin*
Kate: I'll say. Do you have to use a lawn mower to cut those things?
John: . . .
Kate: She Who Gives Migraines asks "If you had known that turning down Juta's love would have resulted in you being killed only seconds after realizing Will was your son, would you still have turned down Juta's love? HUUUUH?!"
John: Yes. Juta creeps me out.
Max: Why?
John: She just DID, OKAY?
Max: So? Kate creeps ME out all the time.
John: . . . come to think of it, she creeps me out too.
Kate: *glitter of glitter*
John: . . . I want to be dead again. Can I go now?
Max: No. EvilRyokoJesse has a question for Kate.
Kate: I'm special! ^_^
Max: yeah, whatever. *absentmindedly pats Kate on the head* "I was wondering...could you light John Parry on fire and then have him do stop, drop, and roll with a dalmation?"
Kate: *gasp* I LIKE FIRE! *grabs lighter*
John: o_o ACK! DON'T POINT THAT THING AT ME!
Max: But if you burn him up, we won't be able to remove his brain later!
Kate: . . . can I light his brain on fire after we remove it?
Max: Sure.
Kate: Okay then! ^_^ *puts lighter away*
John: I want to be dead now, please.
Max: Not a chance.
Kate: Aurora78 asks "What is Cream of Tartar made of?"
John: Cream of WHAT?
Max: They cream Tartars? COOL!
Kate: I thought crem of Tartar was that stuff you put on fish.
John: O_O
Max: Isn't tartar that yellow stuff that grows on people's teeth?
Kate: Why yes, I do believe it is. Maybe they mix that up with Tartars!
John: That's disgusting!
Max: I know! Isn't it great? ^_^
John: . . .
Max: icedt asks "Is a turtle without a shell naked or homeless?"
John: Both.
Kate: Aww, poor turtle. I'll knit it a sweater ^_^
Max: You can't knit anything but scarves.
Kate: I could if I tried. *Pouts*
Max: Didn't you try making a backpack once.
Kate: Shut up.
Max: Why?
Kate: Because it's time for . . . *pulls out Butcher Knife* BRAIN SURGERY ON A DEAD GUY!
Max: YEAH! *pumps fist and pulls out Chester*
John: O_O AAAAAAUGH!
Kate: Now this here little "Brain Surgery for Morons" book says we're supposed to make a clean incision around the skull first.
Max: But who cares? We just wanna see the guy's BRAIN! *runs at John with Chester*
Kate: MUAHAHAHAHA! *waves Butcher Knife around*
John: O_O NOOOOOO! *falls out of his chair and twitches madly a couple of times before laying still*
Max: . . . what happened?
Kate: I think he had a heart attack!
Max: . . .can we still remove his brain?
Kate: Sure!
John: *randomly vaporizes*
Max: Darn!
Kate: I wanted to light his brain on fire! *Sniff*
Max: . . . so . . . uh . . . wanna go poke the dent in your dad's head?
Kate: Mmm . . . okay! ^_^
------
A/n: Feel special. I wasn't gonna write this tonight, but after seeing all my lovely reviews, I decided to anyway ^_^ Now remember, no asking questions using the review function! It's BAD! Go to the Message Board (http://pub90.ezboard.com/bthesharpieshow) and ask. I've posted the name of the next guest there.
Jopari the Holey Headed
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!
That much I know! Know! Know!
Kate: Welcome to the I-Can't-Believe-It's-Finally-Been-Updated Sharpie Show!
Max: The show where we kidnap HDM characters and FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MUAHAHAHA!
Kate: Our guest today is none other than Will's dad, John Parry!
Max: Or Stanislaus Grumman.
Kate: Or Jopari.
Max: Dude has a lotta names.
Kate: Aragorn's got him beat.
*random people drag John Parry onstage*
John: Can't you people let me be dead in peace?!
Kate: O_O Jeeze you have thick eyebrows.
John: =_=
Max: So! Let's get to it, shall we? *clears throat* TheLF asks "So, was your wife always a total nutcase or was it the result of eating fifteen industrial-sized buckets of purple cheese?"
John: I TOLD her not to eat it! I TOLD her purple wasn't one of the natural colors of cheese! But did she listen to me? NO! And look what it got her! =_=
Kate: What DID it get her?
John: . . . I am too enlightened to answer that.
Kate: But you HAVE to answer! This is the show where we kidnap HDM characters and force them to reveal their most hideous secrets!
Max: MUAHAHAHAHA!
John: . . . I'm still more enlightened than you are.
Max: WRONG ANSWER! *whaps John with Chester*
John: OW! DON'T HIT ME THERE!
Kate: Why?
John: That's where the hole in my skull is!
Kate: O_O REALLY?
Max: *pulls out tape recorder* Note to self . . . whack John Parry on the head as many times as possible.
Kate: Hey! You know what? My daddy has a dent in his skull from when he had brain surgery! ^_^
John: . . . that's . . . nice.
Kate: He lets me poke it!
John: . . . so?
Kate: Can I poke YOUR skull dent?
John: NO!
Kate: *starts poking John in the head* ^_^ Pokity poke poke!
John: CUT THAT OUT!
Max: You think if we cut the skin on his dent we could see his brain?
Kate: I dunno. Wanna find out?
Max: SURE! *maniacal eye-glint*
John: O_O NO! I. . . uh. . . what about those questions?
Kate: Oh yeah! We can't perform a lobotomy on him until AFTER the show.
Max: Darn. I wanted to see his brain now!
John: o_o I am very frightened.
Kate: And well you should be ^_^ Next question comes from world domination on a plate, who asks "If your kid weighs 35 pounds and there were 93 pounds in your mouth, how long is the distance between Adolf Hitler and 19 miles?"
John: Wait! I know this one!
Kate: Of course you do! The answer is 42.
John: What?
Max: 42 is the ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!
Kate: *points to audience, Uncle Sam style* Do YOU know where your towel is?
John: . . . I don't have a towel.
Max: O_O WHAT?!
Kate: How do you expect to be a proper Galactic Hitchhiker if you don't have a towel?
John: . . . I don't.
Kate: . . . then you need a towel!
John: I do not!
Max: EVERYONE needs a towel! Here, have one. *hands John a Complimentary Sharpie Show Towel*
John: Uh . . . thanks.
Max: zydeko00 asks "HI KATE!!!!!!"
Kate: HIII!!!!! ^_^
Max: . . . How did you suddenly have powers? Did you drink some insanity fizz and it went down the wrong way? Did you make a deal with the evil urple violins? The world needs to know!!!!!"
John: HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?! O_O er . . . uh . . . I mean . . .
Kate: Oooh, you consorted with the urple violins!
Max: SHAME on you, man!
John: . . . I WAS YOUNG! THEY GAVE ME A COOL RATTLE AND NEAT POWERS! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO RESIST?
Kate: Just for that, we're not gonna give you a lobotomy!
Max: We're not?
John: You're not?
Kate: No. We're going to . . . REMOVE YOUR ENTIRE BRAIN!
John: AAAAAUGH! O_O
Max: WOO HOO!
Kate: But first we have to finish asking you questions. Tigress247 asks "John, whats with the whole drilling holes in the skull thing? seriously. WHY?! i mean, what purpose does it serve?? can you *see* out of it? does it tell the future? can it find my missing socks?!"
John: My almighty power has determined that your missing socks are . . . in the refrigerator!
Kate: . . .
Max: No kidding? My socks ALWAYS end up there!
Kate: . . . I usually just find my socks under my bed . . .
Max: Can't you find a more interesting place to loose your socks?
Kate: I suppose I could. *pulls out tape recorder* Note to self . . . loose socks in more interesting places.
Max: Gimme back my tape recorder.
Kate: Nuh uh. This is MINE. You borrowed it from me three days ago.
Max: did not!
Kate: Did too!
Max: Prove it!
Kate: Make me!
Max: Make me make you.
Kate: Make me make you make me.
Max: Make me make you make me make you.
Kate: Make -
John: AHEM!
Max: . . . right. San the Insane asks "Hi John. ^*^ You're spiffy, because You're Will's dad.
...OR ARE YOU! IT'S A CONSPIRACY! HE'S NOT WILL'S DAD, LORD ASRIEL IS!!! *gasp* INCCEST!!!!!!
....or maybe Metatron is Will's dad.... O_o"
John: Oh, I'm Will's Dad allright. He has my eyebrows. *Grin*
Kate: I'll say. Do you have to use a lawn mower to cut those things?
John: . . .
Kate: She Who Gives Migraines asks "If you had known that turning down Juta's love would have resulted in you being killed only seconds after realizing Will was your son, would you still have turned down Juta's love? HUUUUH?!"
John: Yes. Juta creeps me out.
Max: Why?
John: She just DID, OKAY?
Max: So? Kate creeps ME out all the time.
John: . . . come to think of it, she creeps me out too.
Kate: *glitter of glitter*
John: . . . I want to be dead again. Can I go now?
Max: No. EvilRyokoJesse has a question for Kate.
Kate: I'm special! ^_^
Max: yeah, whatever. *absentmindedly pats Kate on the head* "I was wondering...could you light John Parry on fire and then have him do stop, drop, and roll with a dalmation?"
Kate: *gasp* I LIKE FIRE! *grabs lighter*
John: o_o ACK! DON'T POINT THAT THING AT ME!
Max: But if you burn him up, we won't be able to remove his brain later!
Kate: . . . can I light his brain on fire after we remove it?
Max: Sure.
Kate: Okay then! ^_^ *puts lighter away*
John: I want to be dead now, please.
Max: Not a chance.
Kate: Aurora78 asks "What is Cream of Tartar made of?"
John: Cream of WHAT?
Max: They cream Tartars? COOL!
Kate: I thought crem of Tartar was that stuff you put on fish.
John: O_O
Max: Isn't tartar that yellow stuff that grows on people's teeth?
Kate: Why yes, I do believe it is. Maybe they mix that up with Tartars!
John: That's disgusting!
Max: I know! Isn't it great? ^_^
John: . . .
Max: icedt asks "Is a turtle without a shell naked or homeless?"
John: Both.
Kate: Aww, poor turtle. I'll knit it a sweater ^_^
Max: You can't knit anything but scarves.
Kate: I could if I tried. *Pouts*
Max: Didn't you try making a backpack once.
Kate: Shut up.
Max: Why?
Kate: Because it's time for . . . *pulls out Butcher Knife* BRAIN SURGERY ON A DEAD GUY!
Max: YEAH! *pumps fist and pulls out Chester*
John: O_O AAAAAAUGH!
Kate: Now this here little "Brain Surgery for Morons" book says we're supposed to make a clean incision around the skull first.
Max: But who cares? We just wanna see the guy's BRAIN! *runs at John with Chester*
Kate: MUAHAHAHAHA! *waves Butcher Knife around*
John: O_O NOOOOOO! *falls out of his chair and twitches madly a couple of times before laying still*
Max: . . . what happened?
Kate: I think he had a heart attack!
Max: . . .can we still remove his brain?
Kate: Sure!
John: *randomly vaporizes*
Max: Darn!
Kate: I wanted to light his brain on fire! *Sniff*
Max: . . . so . . . uh . . . wanna go poke the dent in your dad's head?
Kate: Mmm . . . okay! ^_^
------
A/n: Feel special. I wasn't gonna write this tonight, but after seeing all my lovely reviews, I decided to anyway ^_^ Now remember, no asking questions using the review function! It's BAD! Go to the Message Board (http://pub90.ezboard.com/bthesharpieshow) and ask. I've posted the name of the next guest there.