~*~Part Fourteen~*~ [I]I Would Be the One to Fall[/I]
"And what exactly is your type?" I arch my eyebrow high, giving off the impression that his answer could hardly interest me in the least and that I'm simply asking a factual question from a non-partial point of view.
Yeah, well that's a crock of sh-
"You," he says simply, completely.
And with that minimal, short syllable word, everything fades away. Pam and Tess are inconsequential nothings of a past that seems way back behind me, and there's nothing except me and him. Him and me. Him leaning forward, a mere kiss away .
Uhh, what?
[I]Ohh boy.[/I]
My feet are paralyzed as my eyes start to flutter shut. I couldn't pull away even if I tried. But hell, why would I try? My lips are burning from just the mere [I]thought[/I] of actually kissing Max Evans. Oh my God. [I]Kissing Max Evans.[/I] My poor heart! It's jamming forcefully against my chest, so much that I'm afraid I might not survive this. And the air in this room? That pretty summer breeze that I admired? GONE. Absolutely non-existent as far as my lungs are concerned and the way my breaths are coming out in shallow pants.
God, I sound like a puppy dog in the heat.
What's it like to hyperventilate? Because I think this moment is coming pretty close to me doing so.
My eyes quiver back open as I realize that absolutely nothing is happening and that the reason for the non-action will not be determined unless I can actually see. What I find in front of me stops my heart and robs me of the shallow breath I managed to retain.
His lips are hovering a meager inch away from mine.
My eyes widen slightly as a stab of heat grips my abdomen like a vice. [I]Whoa.[/I] You would think that the heat would be unpleasant, even painful. But I can honestly say that I don't think I've ever felt so wonderful.
Well, I'm other things too of course.
Scared? Yes.
Eager? [I]Hell yes.[/I]
Unsure? You'd better believe it.
Sad or upset? Nope, not so much right now, thanks.
I sigh softly, thanking and damning our higher power that his lips are remaining that slight distance away. Because once I cross this last line, this last threshold, there's no going back.
"Liz," His soft timbre rumbles my stomach. [I]Ohh boy.[/I]
And just like that, I've made my decision.
"Please," I whisper breathlessly, leaning in.
I don't want to look back ever again as his warm, soft mouth covers mine.
"Liz?"
Go away, I'm [I]busy.[/I] Busy [I]kissing[/I] if you catch my drift.
"Liz?"
Hmm, that perturbing voice that's so rudely interrupting what could quite possibly be the best moment of my life sounds a lot like Max's low tones.
[I]Mmm, Max.[/I]
Oh my God, wait! It IS Max!
I blink and suddenly the room snaps back into focus.
Oh my God!
Max is staring at me strangely, a look of mild concern wrinkling his brow. [I]A wonderfully sexy brow.[/I] Ah, STOP IT!
"What?" I blurt out, my eyes widening as I pray desperately that what just happened did NOT just happen.
"Are you okay? You sort of .blanked out for a minute." He tilts his head slightly, trying to comprehend what just happened. Yeah, Max buddy, I'm trying to comprehend the same thing. As in I'm trying to comprehend how in the world I managed to sink into a fantasy about Max WHILE HE WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!
This is it. I've truly gone off the deep end here.
"Blanked out?" I say innocently, trying to salvage what's left of this situation. The only thing that could be WORSE is if he actually figured out what I was doing just now. I flush at the very thought, and then go even redder when I remember exactly what my [I]thoughts[/i] were. Oh God.
He grins a little at me. "Well, I think so. You were smiling."
Silently, I groan. Oh Geez. Shoot me now.
"Oh," I say in a small voice, cursing his tiny knowing smile. "Well, sorry about that."
I stare hard at him, willing him to simply say 'okay,' and move on to .well, move on to whatever he came here for.
Well, I know what I wish he came here for, but -
Can anyone tell me where to pick up a new brain? Honestly.
Max shrugs at me, willing to let it go for now. "Okay."
And that's when it hits me.
[I]You were smiling.[/I]
My eyes become round saucers as I gape at him. "You!" I shout despite myself. My index finger involuntarily jerks up to point at him. The DREAM! You were the one in my dream! You made me late! Oh my God! The DREAM! The tiny la la trip I just took to fantasyland wasn't me just going insane, I was remembering my DREAM! From this morning when I woke up late, I [I]was smiling[/I] because of the stupid dream! Why oh WHY! NOW of all times! I TOLD you! I TOLD you that I would remember it at a time later when it was most inconvenient! Damn it! I HATE being right!
He stares at me bemusedly. "Me what?"
I growl quietly to myself again, cursing my little defect of speaking without thinking. Now what am I supposed to say to him? I've been dreaming about you? More specifically, about [I]kissing[/I] you?
Yeah, I don't think so.
"Uh ." I stutter, frantically searching my mind for an excuse, a cover story, ANYTHING but the truth. Telling him I have random outbursts of mouth spasms would be better in comparison. "Uhm, you never did tell me," I stop to swallow nervously as I realize how close he still is to me and shift back on my heels to obtain the needed distance so that I can regroup my brain cells back together. ".what you're doing here." I finish lamely.
Well, there. I'm actually pretty pleased with myself on that one. Not bad, not bad at all Parker. Nice save.
Max raises an eyebrow at me dubiously, scratching his head adorably. "Uh, yeah, I did." He looks at me, smiling a little. "I told you I wanted to see you."
Oh. Right.
A tiny traitorous smile inches along my face at the memory before I quash it, remembering that my oh so brilliant cover story has just been slammed down.
"But now that you mention it, I did want to show you something." Max jerks his head towards the window, leading into the night.
I breathe a sigh of relief. Ha, he bought it.
But wait, he wants to take me somewhere? To show me what? I glance apprehensively where he's nodding. "I don't know, Max, I ."
"Liz," he cuts me off. "Please?" His warm tawny [I]creamy[/I] eyes are tugging at me, whispering enticingly. They say, "Go Liz, go! You know you want to!"
I can't resist.
"Okay."
~*~
What ever possessed me to say yes to this?
"Uh, Max?" I yell over the wind whipping through my ears.
"Yeah?" He shouts back, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. Mentally, I praise him for not taking his eyes off the road and freaking me out even more.
"Well, when I said yes to," I motion with my hands. "Whatever this is, I wasn't really aware that it would include another ride in your, er," Death trap. Kill-mobile. "Lovely vehicle," I conclude, gripping the seat tighter as another car whizzes by us. I swear to God, I can feel the whiplash from even over here.
He shrugs at me offhandedly. "Well, it's about ten miles away, and I didn't think you wanted to walk."
Good point. And I honestly believe him when he says that wherever "it" is happens to be ten miles away. And it's because: A) He would never kidnap me. Besides, I have no money for ransom AND I wouldn't have minded in the least. You can't kidnap the willing. Or is that you can't rape the willing? Anyways. And, B) I've been around Roswell. There's absolutely nothing within walking distance.
"Ah," I say in return, focusing on the (lack of) scenery whipping by us. "Exactly where are we going again?"
Out of the corner of my eye (because I am definitely NOT staring) I see him give his usual half grin. "You'll see."
Sure I will.
I roll my eyes, yet can't stop the ever-burgeoning smile from taking over my face.
The rest of the ride (torture trip, ominous outing, take your pick) lapses into silence. Mind you it's a nice silence. Well, it's more than nice, obviously, but I thought we covered already that nice always means more than the meager connotation in my book because I am currently operating here without a Thesaurus. You [I]know[/I] this.
Anyways, Max keeps sneaking glances at me out of the corner of his eye, and I keep pretending to be watching the scenery. Which is, admittedly, stupid since all the scenery consists of is barren, dusty road and maybe a few cacti here and there.
Okay, in order to ignore Max's eyes and the way they're making my tummy do weird things, back to this dream thing. I cannot believe I had a dream about [I]that[/I]. Honest to God, what is wrong with my subconscious? What's wrong with my entire brain? Why did that have to pop into my head as he was standing in my room? Why not remember it when I was back in bed, where I could properly ENJOY - er, properly analyze it?
Again, I'm hit with the strong urge to write all of this down. Hell, YOU should be getting the urge to do so as well - this is great story material. My fingers clench against the desire to grab a pen and my new journal, and I feel as though writing all of this junk down would help in making sense of it all. Because God knows I'm doing a piss poor job of it alone.
Suddenly, my thoughts are broken as Max swerves to the right to careen off the road and into the desert.
"Uh, Max?" I say after noticing where we are. "Are you sure you know where you're going?"
He looks over and grins. "Positive."
I wince as the mountainous jeep kicks up a few rocks, gravel and who knows what poor desert creature. "Mmmkay." I reply skeptically, staring straight ahead at the dull glare the moon gives the ground.
"Trust me," He soothes, taking another turn. I look at him achingly. [I]I want to![/I] I wish I could shout back. [I]Just promise that you won't break me.[/I]
My gaze snaps away from him, and my dubious expression molds into one of awe when a clearing comes into view. A small, sparkling lake glows under the stars' stare, reflecting their light.
Max stops the car and pulls the keys out of the ignition after pulling into what looks like an ill made parking lot. The only sound slicing through the night is that of the engine dying and the tiny ripples lapping at the shore. I stare at the scene before us with some trepidation. I'm so busy staring that I miss the fact that Max has already gotten out of the Jeep and is waiting by my door to help me out.
I swallow. "What is this place?"
Max follows my gaze deep out into the middle of the swirling waters of the lake. "It's on the skirts of this Native American Reserve. It's a popular spot with the locals during the weekends, but usually at night, it's pretty deserted." He hesitates, scuffing his feet on the ground. "I come here a lot. It's not far from where I live."
The thought that this is a place dear to him snaps me out of my state, and I hop out of the car, wrapping my arms around me against the chill in the air. The chill that I inherently know is not because of the temped wind.
It's like he's reading my thoughts as he steps close behind me. "I know that you haven't had good experiences with the water, but I thought maybe tonight we could associate it with a positive one."
I whirl around to look at him, hope and anticipation rising in my chest, making me dizzy. For a moment we stand as such, drinking each other's gazes in. I smile a little, and turn my eyes onto the area masquerading as a beach. The silvery moonlight casts an almost ethereal glow over the water, delicate and peaceful. "It's beautiful," I say suddenly, my words laced with the unspoken pondering of how sometimes beautiful things could be deadly.
The idea forces another unwanted thought into my head. I stiffen and pierce him with a calculating gaze. "Why are you being so nice to me?"
He starts, genuinely surprised. "Why wouldn't I be?"
I bit my lip in effort to keep from thoughts from floating to the ordeal that occurred earlier today. "There's a lot you don't know about me."
Max smiles wryly. "Well, then we're even then. There's a lot you don't know about me."
I sigh, frustrated. "No, you see with me, it's different. It's - " I stop abruptly. He [I]can't[/I] know what my life is like back home. I won't allow it.
[I]He already knows,[/I] one of the psycho little voices in my head pipes up.
Shut up.
"It's .it's what?" He prompts, staring at me hard. My face falters, and I can feel the pain that flashes in my eye. Immediately, he backpedals hastily. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
[I]If you want .[/I] It's funny how a phrase can go from completely irritating you, to being one that you live and breathe for each day. It's like the equivalent to Westley's "As you wish" mantra from [I]The Princess Bride.[/I]
The thing is that I do want to tell him. Everything. But not now. Not here. Not after today.
"You don't always have to hold on to the past, Liz." His words stun me for they hold more electricity than any sort of lightning bolt.
"Wha - What?" I sputter.
His eyes are dark and sad. Aching. For me. The thought causes my breath to catch. "It's [I]killing[/I] you."
My mouth falls open and tears prick at my vision obstinately. How the hell does he know? How does he know what's going on inside me better than I know myself?
My voice cracks as I force myself to speak. "I just ." I stop and blink furiously against the tears. "I just feel sometimes like if I don't hold on, I'll slip and fall." What? What the heck am I talking about? Where are these words coming from? And why the heck do they make a strange sort of sense in regards to how I feel about everything that's happened? About everything that will continue to happen if I stay on this path?
Max knows. It seems like lately, he knows freaking everything. His hands are clutching my shoulders before I can blink, and I tingle at the sensation. "Sometimes it is holding on that makes us strong. But Liz, it goes both ways. Sometimes.sometimes it's letting go." He pulls me tighter against him, and his words ripple through my insides. "You can let go, Liz. Let go. I promise not to let you fall." His voice is soft, commanding, reassuring. I almost believe him, but the problem is that I've already begun to fall, and there's not a parachute or landing pad in sight.
There's just him.
Slowly, I pull myself back a little bit, so that I can look him fully in the eye. The eyes are the window to the person within don't you know; there are never ulterior motives echoing in the eyes. There's always the truth. So it shocks me all the more when I realize that he's not lying. When I realize I can be safe here, wrapped up in his arms as he urges me to get rid of the past that is plaguing my soul. I can truly let go of it all and be the person that I'm supposed to be.
[I]You can let go.[/I] The words echo through my mind. [I]Let go.[/I] I keep my gaze locked on his, listening as he silently supports me to go further. As he silently does what no other person has done before.
He believes in me.
I take a shaky breath, my head spinning as I close my eyes. [I]Let go.[/I] Immediately, images are conjured up, this time willingly, as I watch the reels of my past flicker behind my eyelids. The familiar hollow feeling latches onto my heart and rips at it tenaciously, tearing and pulling. But this time around, something's different. Max's warm arms are still circled around me, pushing at the darkness, forcing it away. [I]You can do it.[/I] A tiny whisper says to me. Whether it's me, or Max, or Aunt Nancy, Maria or Isabel, I don't know. It could be all five. It could be God for all I know. But one thing is certain.
I believe it. For just a little bit, I believe it.
Another shuddering gust of air escapes my throat, rushing past the lump of tears. Pam's voice echoes faintly through my head as I see the flyers as clear as the moon in the sky. [I]Let go. Get past it.[/I]
A familiar truism races through my brain: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think .
Just as quickly as they sounded, the reassuring voice in my head dies out and succumbs to what has always been. What will always be. The darkness wins. Again.
"I can't!" I blurt out unexpectedly. My voice sounds raw, defeated. My heart sinks as an emotion so horrible, so mind numbing and choking swells throughout my entire being.
[I]Failure.[/I]
I'm used to the blasts from the past. I'm used to being constantly reminded of how my life is, and how people view me. But what I am so completely not used to is the accompanied sentiment of guilt and despair that comes when I try to rise above and lose.
I'm too hot all of a sudden, my cheeks burning with embarrassment and shame. It was too soon, too much at once. Yet the feeling of being a total loser is still relevant. I push away from Max, from the warmth of his embrace, angry and sad that he is seeing me like this. That it was HIS idea. That I FELL for it.
"Liz," He calls softly, starting towards me.
"NO!" I cry, shaking a little. "No. Don't." I don't know exactly what I'm forbidding him to do, but the words tumble freely as if from another moment, another person.
"Liz," he tries again, despite my adamant admonition. "Please - "
"Please what?" I cut him off irrationally, my words spitting out like venom. "Please don't be such a baby? Such a loser?" A small part of me screams for my silence. But once I get going like this, nothing short of a bullet can stop me. It sucks, but there it is. I wipe my hands over my face wearily, and when I feel wetness it's then that I realize that I'm crying.
"Liz," His features sharpen as he looks as if I've just gone insane. [I]Haha, too late buddy. Been there done that.[/I] "That is NOT what I meant." He moves towards me again, and I stay where I am, my feet locked inside the sand. "There's nothing wrong with - "
Once again, I cut him off. God, if I was doing this to myself, I would be so mad at me right now. "With what? Failing? With not being strong enough? Not good enough? Sorry to burst your bubble Max, but usually that IS a big problem!" I swallow air desperately, still going. Max stops his movements, looking resigned to letting me spill my guts loudly and shrilly. "I'm not good enough, okay? That's what it all comes down to! I couldn't do it. I couldn't let go of it all. And you know what? It made me feel completely horrible! So you can go now, go back to Roswell. Your charity case fell through. I couldn't do it." My shoulders sag dejectedly.
"I couldn't either." He gets some vindication by cutting ME off.
My mouth falls agape. What?
"What?"
He shrugs and kicks at the sandy ground, scattering grit and pebbles around us. "I couldn't do it either."
You'll have to excuse me, for I forgot to take my stupid pills today. "Do what?"
He jerks his head up, and I collide headfirst with his intense gaze, a gaze that literally makes my insides feel like they're curling up and dying. Or like they're finally breathing. "Let go."
I continue to stare incredulously at him, so he clarifies. "Do you remember that night when I came up to your balcony?" Huh. Only like every night. "I told you that there were some things that were better left unsaid." A missing puzzle piece clicks in my brain. Max Evans, Maxwell Freaking Evans has problems just like me. Well, granted not JUST like me, but you get the idea. The remembrance of his uncomfortable manner when talking about his father pops into my head.
Click.
He gestures behind us, at the lake. "Why else do you think I come out here?"
I step timidly closer to him, looking over his shoulder out towards the serene, glistening waters. "To get away from it. To try and find reason enough to ."
"Let go," He finishes for me. I stare at him with astonished amazement, revealing in the ease in which he is reading my soul. "So it's okay if you can't," He inches closer, and I stop to inhale his warm, earthy scent. "Because I can't either."
A thought occurs to me. "If you can't, what made you so sure that I could?" I tilt my head up at him.
He smiles. "Because I see you. Not in a creepy, stalker-ish type of way, but I [I]see[/I] you. And somehow, I just know that you could. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. You will." He says it so confidently, so surely that I find myself almost believing it.
My mouths dries, and I can't take my eyes off of him. Like a stunned moose, I just stand there for a few breathless moments; letting his words wash over me with care and comfort. Suddenly, I blink, forcing myself out of my speechless state. "And you thought I could like, what? Help you if I find a way how? Because if that's the case Max, I think you've definitely got the wrong girl." I laugh nervously to offset the pure terror I feel at the possibility of [I]not[/I] being that girl for him.
His lips curve ever so sensually, ever so slightly as he still continues his steps towards me. Instantly, he's everywhere in my senses, in my nose, my eyes, my ears .I shudder as his fingertips graze my cheek .my touch. "No. I thought maybe we could learn together. Teach each other." His golden brown eyes bore into mine, and I catch a bit of vulnerability deep within them - vulnerability that I'm sure is reflected the same way in my own eyes.
My breath hitches as I nod my agreement. My eyes have suddenly honed in on his lips, and I wonder vaguely whether or not they're as soft and warm as they were in my dream. Subsequently, I feel like teasing him a bit, while at the same time feeling like I should just mash our heads together so we can kiss madly like there's no tomorrow.
I settle for the teasing. "I see. So how exactly would we go about this learning process?" His eyes start to twinkle with the realization of what I'm doing, and I feel the start of a smile begin to slide across my face.
"Well, we could talk, obviously." He smirks as I start to pout; his answer is definitely NOT what I had in mind. "Or we could communicate through other means." He finishes, his voice coming out husky and low, sending a thrilling shiver tumbling down my spine and up my arms. His eyes get darker again, the deep brown melding so that it looks almost black. The urge to capitulate forward into those eyes overwhelms me and I tilt my head upward, sucking in the delicious combined air that is mingling between us. My heart is skipping and speeding up in a manner that just can't be considered normal.
I can't find it inside me to care.
Max's lips drift closer and closer, the action lulling my eyes closed as I straighten with anticipation. I can't think. I can't speak. All I can do is feel, all I [I]want[/I] to do is feel.
And then, it happens. With his fingers still delicately holding my cheek, his lips lightly graze mine, quick and light like a butterfly. I feel him hesitate, because I can't open my eyes just yet. I'm not done feeling just yet.
So it's a relief that he reads me so clearly once again and lowers his lips back down upon mine, the warmth of them, the heat of the action driving everything else away. I can forget about Pam. I forget about my parents. Forget about the rumors back in Chicago. Forget the pain. Forget everything except the sensation of his warm, delectably wet mouth and the bursts of scorching, summer like heat that he is inflicting all over my body.
I tilt my head for better access and reach up to wrap my arms around him, tugging him closer, revealing in the feel of his hot, deliciously hard body against mine. Not close enough. The wind whips gently through our hair, but I barely notice since we are so close that not even air can get through. My entire focus is him, only him.
Fuzzily, I giddily think: [I]This is it. It's really happening.[/I]
It's real, it's true, and it's a hell of a lot better than any dream.
It's Max. Just Max. No parachute, no landing pad, no stack of hay to break my fall .
Just Max.
And so he'd better be super strong underneath that tee-shirt, because here I come. Here I fall.
[I]Author's Note: I was listening to this song while attempting to write and for some reason, inspiration hit. Thought I'd share the lyrics with y'all. *grin* There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
Nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place
When they say you're
not that strong
Well you're not that weak
It's not your fault
When you climb up to that hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
There's nothing left to prove
Nothing I won't do
Nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here
What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you've got
What you love
What you need is real
If it's not enough
It's not enough
It's not enough I'm sorry
If it's not enough
It's not enough[/I] [b]Our Lady Peace - Not Enough[/b]
"And what exactly is your type?" I arch my eyebrow high, giving off the impression that his answer could hardly interest me in the least and that I'm simply asking a factual question from a non-partial point of view.
Yeah, well that's a crock of sh-
"You," he says simply, completely.
And with that minimal, short syllable word, everything fades away. Pam and Tess are inconsequential nothings of a past that seems way back behind me, and there's nothing except me and him. Him and me. Him leaning forward, a mere kiss away .
Uhh, what?
[I]Ohh boy.[/I]
My feet are paralyzed as my eyes start to flutter shut. I couldn't pull away even if I tried. But hell, why would I try? My lips are burning from just the mere [I]thought[/I] of actually kissing Max Evans. Oh my God. [I]Kissing Max Evans.[/I] My poor heart! It's jamming forcefully against my chest, so much that I'm afraid I might not survive this. And the air in this room? That pretty summer breeze that I admired? GONE. Absolutely non-existent as far as my lungs are concerned and the way my breaths are coming out in shallow pants.
God, I sound like a puppy dog in the heat.
What's it like to hyperventilate? Because I think this moment is coming pretty close to me doing so.
My eyes quiver back open as I realize that absolutely nothing is happening and that the reason for the non-action will not be determined unless I can actually see. What I find in front of me stops my heart and robs me of the shallow breath I managed to retain.
His lips are hovering a meager inch away from mine.
My eyes widen slightly as a stab of heat grips my abdomen like a vice. [I]Whoa.[/I] You would think that the heat would be unpleasant, even painful. But I can honestly say that I don't think I've ever felt so wonderful.
Well, I'm other things too of course.
Scared? Yes.
Eager? [I]Hell yes.[/I]
Unsure? You'd better believe it.
Sad or upset? Nope, not so much right now, thanks.
I sigh softly, thanking and damning our higher power that his lips are remaining that slight distance away. Because once I cross this last line, this last threshold, there's no going back.
"Liz," His soft timbre rumbles my stomach. [I]Ohh boy.[/I]
And just like that, I've made my decision.
"Please," I whisper breathlessly, leaning in.
I don't want to look back ever again as his warm, soft mouth covers mine.
"Liz?"
Go away, I'm [I]busy.[/I] Busy [I]kissing[/I] if you catch my drift.
"Liz?"
Hmm, that perturbing voice that's so rudely interrupting what could quite possibly be the best moment of my life sounds a lot like Max's low tones.
[I]Mmm, Max.[/I]
Oh my God, wait! It IS Max!
I blink and suddenly the room snaps back into focus.
Oh my God!
Max is staring at me strangely, a look of mild concern wrinkling his brow. [I]A wonderfully sexy brow.[/I] Ah, STOP IT!
"What?" I blurt out, my eyes widening as I pray desperately that what just happened did NOT just happen.
"Are you okay? You sort of .blanked out for a minute." He tilts his head slightly, trying to comprehend what just happened. Yeah, Max buddy, I'm trying to comprehend the same thing. As in I'm trying to comprehend how in the world I managed to sink into a fantasy about Max WHILE HE WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!
This is it. I've truly gone off the deep end here.
"Blanked out?" I say innocently, trying to salvage what's left of this situation. The only thing that could be WORSE is if he actually figured out what I was doing just now. I flush at the very thought, and then go even redder when I remember exactly what my [I]thoughts[/i] were. Oh God.
He grins a little at me. "Well, I think so. You were smiling."
Silently, I groan. Oh Geez. Shoot me now.
"Oh," I say in a small voice, cursing his tiny knowing smile. "Well, sorry about that."
I stare hard at him, willing him to simply say 'okay,' and move on to .well, move on to whatever he came here for.
Well, I know what I wish he came here for, but -
Can anyone tell me where to pick up a new brain? Honestly.
Max shrugs at me, willing to let it go for now. "Okay."
And that's when it hits me.
[I]You were smiling.[/I]
My eyes become round saucers as I gape at him. "You!" I shout despite myself. My index finger involuntarily jerks up to point at him. The DREAM! You were the one in my dream! You made me late! Oh my God! The DREAM! The tiny la la trip I just took to fantasyland wasn't me just going insane, I was remembering my DREAM! From this morning when I woke up late, I [I]was smiling[/I] because of the stupid dream! Why oh WHY! NOW of all times! I TOLD you! I TOLD you that I would remember it at a time later when it was most inconvenient! Damn it! I HATE being right!
He stares at me bemusedly. "Me what?"
I growl quietly to myself again, cursing my little defect of speaking without thinking. Now what am I supposed to say to him? I've been dreaming about you? More specifically, about [I]kissing[/I] you?
Yeah, I don't think so.
"Uh ." I stutter, frantically searching my mind for an excuse, a cover story, ANYTHING but the truth. Telling him I have random outbursts of mouth spasms would be better in comparison. "Uhm, you never did tell me," I stop to swallow nervously as I realize how close he still is to me and shift back on my heels to obtain the needed distance so that I can regroup my brain cells back together. ".what you're doing here." I finish lamely.
Well, there. I'm actually pretty pleased with myself on that one. Not bad, not bad at all Parker. Nice save.
Max raises an eyebrow at me dubiously, scratching his head adorably. "Uh, yeah, I did." He looks at me, smiling a little. "I told you I wanted to see you."
Oh. Right.
A tiny traitorous smile inches along my face at the memory before I quash it, remembering that my oh so brilliant cover story has just been slammed down.
"But now that you mention it, I did want to show you something." Max jerks his head towards the window, leading into the night.
I breathe a sigh of relief. Ha, he bought it.
But wait, he wants to take me somewhere? To show me what? I glance apprehensively where he's nodding. "I don't know, Max, I ."
"Liz," he cuts me off. "Please?" His warm tawny [I]creamy[/I] eyes are tugging at me, whispering enticingly. They say, "Go Liz, go! You know you want to!"
I can't resist.
"Okay."
~*~
What ever possessed me to say yes to this?
"Uh, Max?" I yell over the wind whipping through my ears.
"Yeah?" He shouts back, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. Mentally, I praise him for not taking his eyes off the road and freaking me out even more.
"Well, when I said yes to," I motion with my hands. "Whatever this is, I wasn't really aware that it would include another ride in your, er," Death trap. Kill-mobile. "Lovely vehicle," I conclude, gripping the seat tighter as another car whizzes by us. I swear to God, I can feel the whiplash from even over here.
He shrugs at me offhandedly. "Well, it's about ten miles away, and I didn't think you wanted to walk."
Good point. And I honestly believe him when he says that wherever "it" is happens to be ten miles away. And it's because: A) He would never kidnap me. Besides, I have no money for ransom AND I wouldn't have minded in the least. You can't kidnap the willing. Or is that you can't rape the willing? Anyways. And, B) I've been around Roswell. There's absolutely nothing within walking distance.
"Ah," I say in return, focusing on the (lack of) scenery whipping by us. "Exactly where are we going again?"
Out of the corner of my eye (because I am definitely NOT staring) I see him give his usual half grin. "You'll see."
Sure I will.
I roll my eyes, yet can't stop the ever-burgeoning smile from taking over my face.
The rest of the ride (torture trip, ominous outing, take your pick) lapses into silence. Mind you it's a nice silence. Well, it's more than nice, obviously, but I thought we covered already that nice always means more than the meager connotation in my book because I am currently operating here without a Thesaurus. You [I]know[/I] this.
Anyways, Max keeps sneaking glances at me out of the corner of his eye, and I keep pretending to be watching the scenery. Which is, admittedly, stupid since all the scenery consists of is barren, dusty road and maybe a few cacti here and there.
Okay, in order to ignore Max's eyes and the way they're making my tummy do weird things, back to this dream thing. I cannot believe I had a dream about [I]that[/I]. Honest to God, what is wrong with my subconscious? What's wrong with my entire brain? Why did that have to pop into my head as he was standing in my room? Why not remember it when I was back in bed, where I could properly ENJOY - er, properly analyze it?
Again, I'm hit with the strong urge to write all of this down. Hell, YOU should be getting the urge to do so as well - this is great story material. My fingers clench against the desire to grab a pen and my new journal, and I feel as though writing all of this junk down would help in making sense of it all. Because God knows I'm doing a piss poor job of it alone.
Suddenly, my thoughts are broken as Max swerves to the right to careen off the road and into the desert.
"Uh, Max?" I say after noticing where we are. "Are you sure you know where you're going?"
He looks over and grins. "Positive."
I wince as the mountainous jeep kicks up a few rocks, gravel and who knows what poor desert creature. "Mmmkay." I reply skeptically, staring straight ahead at the dull glare the moon gives the ground.
"Trust me," He soothes, taking another turn. I look at him achingly. [I]I want to![/I] I wish I could shout back. [I]Just promise that you won't break me.[/I]
My gaze snaps away from him, and my dubious expression molds into one of awe when a clearing comes into view. A small, sparkling lake glows under the stars' stare, reflecting their light.
Max stops the car and pulls the keys out of the ignition after pulling into what looks like an ill made parking lot. The only sound slicing through the night is that of the engine dying and the tiny ripples lapping at the shore. I stare at the scene before us with some trepidation. I'm so busy staring that I miss the fact that Max has already gotten out of the Jeep and is waiting by my door to help me out.
I swallow. "What is this place?"
Max follows my gaze deep out into the middle of the swirling waters of the lake. "It's on the skirts of this Native American Reserve. It's a popular spot with the locals during the weekends, but usually at night, it's pretty deserted." He hesitates, scuffing his feet on the ground. "I come here a lot. It's not far from where I live."
The thought that this is a place dear to him snaps me out of my state, and I hop out of the car, wrapping my arms around me against the chill in the air. The chill that I inherently know is not because of the temped wind.
It's like he's reading my thoughts as he steps close behind me. "I know that you haven't had good experiences with the water, but I thought maybe tonight we could associate it with a positive one."
I whirl around to look at him, hope and anticipation rising in my chest, making me dizzy. For a moment we stand as such, drinking each other's gazes in. I smile a little, and turn my eyes onto the area masquerading as a beach. The silvery moonlight casts an almost ethereal glow over the water, delicate and peaceful. "It's beautiful," I say suddenly, my words laced with the unspoken pondering of how sometimes beautiful things could be deadly.
The idea forces another unwanted thought into my head. I stiffen and pierce him with a calculating gaze. "Why are you being so nice to me?"
He starts, genuinely surprised. "Why wouldn't I be?"
I bit my lip in effort to keep from thoughts from floating to the ordeal that occurred earlier today. "There's a lot you don't know about me."
Max smiles wryly. "Well, then we're even then. There's a lot you don't know about me."
I sigh, frustrated. "No, you see with me, it's different. It's - " I stop abruptly. He [I]can't[/I] know what my life is like back home. I won't allow it.
[I]He already knows,[/I] one of the psycho little voices in my head pipes up.
Shut up.
"It's .it's what?" He prompts, staring at me hard. My face falters, and I can feel the pain that flashes in my eye. Immediately, he backpedals hastily. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
[I]If you want .[/I] It's funny how a phrase can go from completely irritating you, to being one that you live and breathe for each day. It's like the equivalent to Westley's "As you wish" mantra from [I]The Princess Bride.[/I]
The thing is that I do want to tell him. Everything. But not now. Not here. Not after today.
"You don't always have to hold on to the past, Liz." His words stun me for they hold more electricity than any sort of lightning bolt.
"Wha - What?" I sputter.
His eyes are dark and sad. Aching. For me. The thought causes my breath to catch. "It's [I]killing[/I] you."
My mouth falls open and tears prick at my vision obstinately. How the hell does he know? How does he know what's going on inside me better than I know myself?
My voice cracks as I force myself to speak. "I just ." I stop and blink furiously against the tears. "I just feel sometimes like if I don't hold on, I'll slip and fall." What? What the heck am I talking about? Where are these words coming from? And why the heck do they make a strange sort of sense in regards to how I feel about everything that's happened? About everything that will continue to happen if I stay on this path?
Max knows. It seems like lately, he knows freaking everything. His hands are clutching my shoulders before I can blink, and I tingle at the sensation. "Sometimes it is holding on that makes us strong. But Liz, it goes both ways. Sometimes.sometimes it's letting go." He pulls me tighter against him, and his words ripple through my insides. "You can let go, Liz. Let go. I promise not to let you fall." His voice is soft, commanding, reassuring. I almost believe him, but the problem is that I've already begun to fall, and there's not a parachute or landing pad in sight.
There's just him.
Slowly, I pull myself back a little bit, so that I can look him fully in the eye. The eyes are the window to the person within don't you know; there are never ulterior motives echoing in the eyes. There's always the truth. So it shocks me all the more when I realize that he's not lying. When I realize I can be safe here, wrapped up in his arms as he urges me to get rid of the past that is plaguing my soul. I can truly let go of it all and be the person that I'm supposed to be.
[I]You can let go.[/I] The words echo through my mind. [I]Let go.[/I] I keep my gaze locked on his, listening as he silently supports me to go further. As he silently does what no other person has done before.
He believes in me.
I take a shaky breath, my head spinning as I close my eyes. [I]Let go.[/I] Immediately, images are conjured up, this time willingly, as I watch the reels of my past flicker behind my eyelids. The familiar hollow feeling latches onto my heart and rips at it tenaciously, tearing and pulling. But this time around, something's different. Max's warm arms are still circled around me, pushing at the darkness, forcing it away. [I]You can do it.[/I] A tiny whisper says to me. Whether it's me, or Max, or Aunt Nancy, Maria or Isabel, I don't know. It could be all five. It could be God for all I know. But one thing is certain.
I believe it. For just a little bit, I believe it.
Another shuddering gust of air escapes my throat, rushing past the lump of tears. Pam's voice echoes faintly through my head as I see the flyers as clear as the moon in the sky. [I]Let go. Get past it.[/I]
A familiar truism races through my brain: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think .
Just as quickly as they sounded, the reassuring voice in my head dies out and succumbs to what has always been. What will always be. The darkness wins. Again.
"I can't!" I blurt out unexpectedly. My voice sounds raw, defeated. My heart sinks as an emotion so horrible, so mind numbing and choking swells throughout my entire being.
[I]Failure.[/I]
I'm used to the blasts from the past. I'm used to being constantly reminded of how my life is, and how people view me. But what I am so completely not used to is the accompanied sentiment of guilt and despair that comes when I try to rise above and lose.
I'm too hot all of a sudden, my cheeks burning with embarrassment and shame. It was too soon, too much at once. Yet the feeling of being a total loser is still relevant. I push away from Max, from the warmth of his embrace, angry and sad that he is seeing me like this. That it was HIS idea. That I FELL for it.
"Liz," He calls softly, starting towards me.
"NO!" I cry, shaking a little. "No. Don't." I don't know exactly what I'm forbidding him to do, but the words tumble freely as if from another moment, another person.
"Liz," he tries again, despite my adamant admonition. "Please - "
"Please what?" I cut him off irrationally, my words spitting out like venom. "Please don't be such a baby? Such a loser?" A small part of me screams for my silence. But once I get going like this, nothing short of a bullet can stop me. It sucks, but there it is. I wipe my hands over my face wearily, and when I feel wetness it's then that I realize that I'm crying.
"Liz," His features sharpen as he looks as if I've just gone insane. [I]Haha, too late buddy. Been there done that.[/I] "That is NOT what I meant." He moves towards me again, and I stay where I am, my feet locked inside the sand. "There's nothing wrong with - "
Once again, I cut him off. God, if I was doing this to myself, I would be so mad at me right now. "With what? Failing? With not being strong enough? Not good enough? Sorry to burst your bubble Max, but usually that IS a big problem!" I swallow air desperately, still going. Max stops his movements, looking resigned to letting me spill my guts loudly and shrilly. "I'm not good enough, okay? That's what it all comes down to! I couldn't do it. I couldn't let go of it all. And you know what? It made me feel completely horrible! So you can go now, go back to Roswell. Your charity case fell through. I couldn't do it." My shoulders sag dejectedly.
"I couldn't either." He gets some vindication by cutting ME off.
My mouth falls agape. What?
"What?"
He shrugs and kicks at the sandy ground, scattering grit and pebbles around us. "I couldn't do it either."
You'll have to excuse me, for I forgot to take my stupid pills today. "Do what?"
He jerks his head up, and I collide headfirst with his intense gaze, a gaze that literally makes my insides feel like they're curling up and dying. Or like they're finally breathing. "Let go."
I continue to stare incredulously at him, so he clarifies. "Do you remember that night when I came up to your balcony?" Huh. Only like every night. "I told you that there were some things that were better left unsaid." A missing puzzle piece clicks in my brain. Max Evans, Maxwell Freaking Evans has problems just like me. Well, granted not JUST like me, but you get the idea. The remembrance of his uncomfortable manner when talking about his father pops into my head.
Click.
He gestures behind us, at the lake. "Why else do you think I come out here?"
I step timidly closer to him, looking over his shoulder out towards the serene, glistening waters. "To get away from it. To try and find reason enough to ."
"Let go," He finishes for me. I stare at him with astonished amazement, revealing in the ease in which he is reading my soul. "So it's okay if you can't," He inches closer, and I stop to inhale his warm, earthy scent. "Because I can't either."
A thought occurs to me. "If you can't, what made you so sure that I could?" I tilt my head up at him.
He smiles. "Because I see you. Not in a creepy, stalker-ish type of way, but I [I]see[/I] you. And somehow, I just know that you could. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. You will." He says it so confidently, so surely that I find myself almost believing it.
My mouths dries, and I can't take my eyes off of him. Like a stunned moose, I just stand there for a few breathless moments; letting his words wash over me with care and comfort. Suddenly, I blink, forcing myself out of my speechless state. "And you thought I could like, what? Help you if I find a way how? Because if that's the case Max, I think you've definitely got the wrong girl." I laugh nervously to offset the pure terror I feel at the possibility of [I]not[/I] being that girl for him.
His lips curve ever so sensually, ever so slightly as he still continues his steps towards me. Instantly, he's everywhere in my senses, in my nose, my eyes, my ears .I shudder as his fingertips graze my cheek .my touch. "No. I thought maybe we could learn together. Teach each other." His golden brown eyes bore into mine, and I catch a bit of vulnerability deep within them - vulnerability that I'm sure is reflected the same way in my own eyes.
My breath hitches as I nod my agreement. My eyes have suddenly honed in on his lips, and I wonder vaguely whether or not they're as soft and warm as they were in my dream. Subsequently, I feel like teasing him a bit, while at the same time feeling like I should just mash our heads together so we can kiss madly like there's no tomorrow.
I settle for the teasing. "I see. So how exactly would we go about this learning process?" His eyes start to twinkle with the realization of what I'm doing, and I feel the start of a smile begin to slide across my face.
"Well, we could talk, obviously." He smirks as I start to pout; his answer is definitely NOT what I had in mind. "Or we could communicate through other means." He finishes, his voice coming out husky and low, sending a thrilling shiver tumbling down my spine and up my arms. His eyes get darker again, the deep brown melding so that it looks almost black. The urge to capitulate forward into those eyes overwhelms me and I tilt my head upward, sucking in the delicious combined air that is mingling between us. My heart is skipping and speeding up in a manner that just can't be considered normal.
I can't find it inside me to care.
Max's lips drift closer and closer, the action lulling my eyes closed as I straighten with anticipation. I can't think. I can't speak. All I can do is feel, all I [I]want[/I] to do is feel.
And then, it happens. With his fingers still delicately holding my cheek, his lips lightly graze mine, quick and light like a butterfly. I feel him hesitate, because I can't open my eyes just yet. I'm not done feeling just yet.
So it's a relief that he reads me so clearly once again and lowers his lips back down upon mine, the warmth of them, the heat of the action driving everything else away. I can forget about Pam. I forget about my parents. Forget about the rumors back in Chicago. Forget the pain. Forget everything except the sensation of his warm, delectably wet mouth and the bursts of scorching, summer like heat that he is inflicting all over my body.
I tilt my head for better access and reach up to wrap my arms around him, tugging him closer, revealing in the feel of his hot, deliciously hard body against mine. Not close enough. The wind whips gently through our hair, but I barely notice since we are so close that not even air can get through. My entire focus is him, only him.
Fuzzily, I giddily think: [I]This is it. It's really happening.[/I]
It's real, it's true, and it's a hell of a lot better than any dream.
It's Max. Just Max. No parachute, no landing pad, no stack of hay to break my fall .
Just Max.
And so he'd better be super strong underneath that tee-shirt, because here I come. Here I fall.
[I]Author's Note: I was listening to this song while attempting to write and for some reason, inspiration hit. Thought I'd share the lyrics with y'all. *grin* There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
Nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place
When they say you're
not that strong
Well you're not that weak
It's not your fault
When you climb up to that hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
There's nothing left to prove
Nothing I won't do
Nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here
What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you've got
What you love
What you need is real
If it's not enough
It's not enough
It's not enough I'm sorry
If it's not enough
It's not enough[/I] [b]Our Lady Peace - Not Enough[/b]