Chapter 1-Conflicts

Pregnant?

Impossible.

Her mind was not capable at that point of constructing coherent thoughts as she moved between the various states of shock, from stunned and complete disbelief. Solitary words raced through her mind in a jumble of past and present thoughts and memories. She was reeling from the news; it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either.

Her mother had made her entire childhood a living hell. She knew this was unintentional, but it taught her nevertheless that in any situation the best way to deal with things was simply to ignore your emotions. Emotions made things complicated; only logic could help.

Across from her on the El there was a pregnant woman surrounded by four other small children. She was harried, flustered, and obviously very tired, but also incredibly happy. Next to that woman was a man who seemed bothered by the children and scolded constantly. He was obviously their father, and he appeared quite sick of the role. That was always the way: one story, two completely different views, and innocent children caught in the middle.

The same was true with Richard and herself. He wouldn't want a child…but then again, more often than not it was she who had to reject her own feelings and opinions in order to appease him. Maybe it was time she did something she wanted! Of course that would mean she would have to deal with the child possibly being bi-polar…

Or possibly even becoming bi-polar herself.

Just then Abby saw a small dark object fly from the hands of one of the children. It arced, almost brushing the ceiling, and landed with a light thud on her lap. Pulling herself away from her thoughts she jumped slightly when she found the object to be a small rubber rat, She picked it up gingerly by the tail and handed it to the little boy, who blushed and smiled shyly as he murmured a "Thank-you" before seeking refuge in his mother's one free arm.

As the train approached her stop Abby began to gather her many things: her purse, jacket, a bag of prenatal care items and the first ultra sound. The El lurched to a stop and the family across from her stood quickly, scrambling off the train ahead of her as though one unit. The woman stopped long enough to wish Abby "Congratulations and Good Luck!" Abby was confused at first until she realised that she was still clutching the ultrasound in her hand. She just had time to smile her thanks and share a look of understanding before the woman was swept away by her annoyed husband. Abby sighed, *That could be me in a few years time* she thought whistfully.

She tucked her things into her purse, pulled on her jacket, and headed home, silently debating with herself all the way.

~~~


Abby spent the next few days deep in thought, weighing up her options, and at one point summoning the courage for an abortion…although she couldn't go through with it. Richard hadn't noticed anything, of course. He hadn't been home to notice anything. He said it was because of his internship, but Abby knew this was just his cover for screwing some girl who wasn't her…which was probably what he had wanted from the beginning. That night when he walked through the door after an evening with his latest conquest and collapsed on the couch, she decided it was time to confront him.

"Richard?" she began, a little unsure of herself and what she was going to say.


"Yeah?" He didn't even look up from the newspaper he was reading.


"Richard this is important. Could you please look at me?"

"I'm listening."


"LOOK AT ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!" The force of her outburst shocked Abby, but Richard appeared to be unmoved. "Fine!" Abby stomped her heel angrily against the ground and drew in a deep breath before continuing. "I…I think we should, um…have a baby."


"Why would we want to have a baby?" Richard asked, still not lifting his eyes from the sports page of the newspaper.


"Because…I'm pregnant," she said timidly, stepping back slightly. Even though she knew he was about as weak as they come, and that he couldn't do anything nearly as bad to her as she could to him, she still lived in fear that one day he might hit her. Another *wonderful* remnant of her warped upbringing.


This news finally got his attention and he looked up, although even then she could tell it wasn't too important to him. After an awkward moment he gave a short harsh laugh. "Funny," he said. "So really, what's going on?"


"I am," she insisted.


"You're gonna have an abortion right?" he asked as he tried to keep is voice level. One look in her eyes told him the answer to this question, and she could see the panic building in his face.

"No."


"B-but we can't have a baby. " There was a slight edge of panic in his voice, but he still gave the impression that his opinion alone dictated her world.

"Well, we are," she told him firmly, holding her shaking hands together to hide her nerves.


Abby sat down opposite Richard, and for a long time they just stared in silence. Richard's newspaper had slipped from his lap and was lying forgotten on the floor. After a moment he picked it up and looked calmly at Abby. "Fine," he said. She breathed a sigh of relief. "You're having a baby." With that he went back to his newspaper.

"It's your baby as well," she said simply, silently imploring him to look at her and take a part in this new stage in their relationship.


"Listen, Abby, I'm not ready for a child," he said in a reasonable voice, as if she were the child and he had to explain things to her. "We can't have a child and that's all there is to it. If you want to have a baby then fine-It's all you, have fun-just don't expect me to be happy about any of this."


She stared at him in disbelief. *Son of a Bitch!* She could handle most things with him: the whores she wasn't supposed to know about, his horrible family, his constant belittling of her in front of his friends. These were all things she could rationalise to herself. *This isn't so bad. It's better than being at home with your crazy mother. You don't deserve any better.* But how could he…no, how *dare* he reject their unborn child and act as though he was a better person for it. True she had already considered an abortion, had even gone as far as booking an appointment she never kept, nevertheless there was something unsettling about Richard's reaction. She could feel the tears starting to sting her eyes, and not wanting Richard to see this weakness in her she turned on her heel and fled to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

She flung herself onto the bed and allowed the unshed tears to flow freely for a few minutes before mentally chastising herself for being so weak. "Perhaps he was simply in shock," she said to herself…but that didn't mean she wouldn't be mad at him until the shock wore off.


*******

Vicodin, Morphine, and a bunch of other narcotics unreachable by normal people stood proudly before him in the unlocked cupboard. No one was around, and his supply of already rationed painkillers had long since vanished. It would be so easy if he were to just grab some, pretend he knew nothing about the missing meds, and finish his day with less pain in his body and soul.


Lucy was dead, he had been stabbed, and it was all his fault. Of course some blame could be put on Paul Sobricki, the psycho who stabbed them both, but in reality he hadn't listened to Lucy and that was why she died. He had long since discovered that while on his meds he could be happy for Lucy, tell himself she had gone to 'a better place,' and for a while feel less terrible about his own actions in reference to the attack. This couldn't last forever, though. His prescription had soon run out, and the supply of narcotics he had built up was long gone as well, leaving him with a desperate need for more to dull the pain. Despite this need, however, he could hear a voice in his head telling him that it was horrible, dangerous, that he should resist the urge to grab what he could and run with all the strength he had left.


Before he could decide what to do Carter saw a pair of eyes staring out from behind the shelves. He resisted the urge to jump in surprise and walked calmly towards them to see who they belonged to.
"You shouldn't be back here," he firmly reprimanded the eyes, hoping it wasn't a fellow doctor.


"I'm looking for my mom," came a quiet muffled voice. Moments later a little girl stepped out from behind the shelf. Carter placed a hand on her shoulder and guided her quickly into the hallway.


"Is she a patient here?" he asked, looking up and down the corridor to see if anybody was looking for a lost child.


"No. But I don't know if she is actually down here…" she explained patiently.


"Did you lose her?" asked Carter, becoming increasingly confused.


"No. I just wanna find her," she answered in a small voice. She looked down and pushed the front of one tennis shoe into the back of the other.


Carter knelt down so that he could look her in the eyes in an attempt to make their conversation somewhat more adult. "Well, I really can't help you unless you tell-"


"GRACE!"


The child whipped her head around, her long braids nearly smacking Carter.


"I was just go-"

"NO excuses! I told you: if you sneak out one more time we're going to have to take away your outing privileges," the woman said. Grace mouthed every word, looking bored and quite annoyed. This was obviously a speech she received on a fairly regular basis.


"I just wanted to see my mom," she retorted petulantly. "She was having such a bad morning and-"


"You'll see your mom tonight. Thank you, Dr…?"

"Carter. John Carter." He stood and held out his hand, aiming to be polite but secretly planning on continuing his business when they had left.

"I'm Beth Johnson. I work up in the Day Care Center. Thank you for finding her for me. I swear this girl is driving me to distraction!" The woman took Grace's hand and led her to the elevator. Even though Grace didn't resist, Carter could tell that this strong willed child wanted to return, and probably would before the evening was over. He waited until they were out of sight, then judging the coast to be clear, he turned back to the medicine closet.


"Damn!" he cursed. Weaver was now in the space, searching for something, which meant that he couldn't get anything.


"Carter, I believe you have a patient in four with a bowel obstruction," Kerry said, not even turning to look at him. How did she do that? Did she have to sell her soul for that power? "Oh, and take Abby, she could use some more experience…" she added as she continued to search through the meds..

~~~~~

Carter was finally off. He still hadn't managed to get hold of any narcotics…but perhaps that was good. As he left he took one last longing glance at the cabinet. Drugs had turned his cousin Chase into a vegetable, but Carter didn't know if he could resist the urge. "In fact," he thought, "if it hadn't been for Grace, I would probably have something right now."

He didn't know whether to thank the child or curse her, but either way he was tired, and his back was killing him.