Excel Excel and the Plot to Rule Hogwarts
Chapter II: The Sorting of Complete Idiots.
(aka: this is for you "The Time Traveler" and "LaprisLazulKnight88".
Because of your positive reviews, I wrote this piece of filth I'm passing
off as fanfiction. ^.^)
Hagrid rowed the first years to the castle. The boat ride went smoothly, if you don't count the incident of Hyatt almost falling over, but we aren't. The children piled into the Great Hall and waited, whispering about how they might be sorted into the different houses. "I wonder how we are to be sorted into the houses?" Hyatt asked Excel. "How the hell should I know?" she asked, trying to muffle the screams of menchi with her robe. Professor McGonagall walked in and led the students to the sorting ceremony. They all got in line and waited anxciously for what was to come. She came to a giant chair and set an old hat onto it. They waited in silence for a few minutes. "...well?" McGonagall asked. "What?" the hat sneered back in reply. "...aren't you gonna sing?" Snape asked. "Gee Severus, I didn't realize you enjoyed the sound of my voice that much. If you wanted to hear me sing so badly you should come visit me on my off hours and I'll gladly belt out some rap." the hat sneered sarcastically. "A talking hat? Well don't that just beat all." Excel said, scratching this new information into her leg with a chisel. "Seriously though, I don't feel like singing this year. Just call out the kid's names and lets get this over with." he sighed. "..haaaaaat.." Dumbledore whispered, pulling a knife out from under his robes from under the table so only the hat could see it.
"Ok! Ok! Um...Lalalala, Gryffindors are brave, lalalla, Slytherins are meani butts, hrmhrmlala Hufflepuffs work hard, laalla Ravenclaws are smart, done." there was an awkward silence. "You're lucky I liked that song." Dumbledore whispered. McGonagall pulled out a parchment and started to call out names. The first kid was put in Ravenclaw, however he went to the table screaming because the hat had whispered "please kill me.". "Excel Excel!" Mcgonagall said. Excel ran upto the hat and put it on. "OH DEAR GOD!" the hat cried. "Your a complete idiot, nor do you really fit into any of the house stereotypes. However.....since your the main character, GRYFFINDOR!" it yelled. Excel went to the Gryffindor table and sat next to Ginny Weasly...who slowly scooted as far away from her as possible. Hyatt came up later and was also placed in Gryffindor, and was now lying face down on the floor next to the table. "Well, thats all of them." McGonagall sighed, releived. She sat down at the table next to Dumbledore as he stood up. Everyone could swear they heard Snape muttering something about Puff Daddy, Cyanide, and 'Oh yes, that'll kill it.' "I'd like to welcome everyone back to Hogwarts for another year, and to our first years, may you find yourslevs at home here. We are hoping that this year we will go through without any deaths, evil teachers, or strange plots to destroy someone or something." Excel laughed nervously to herself at these words. "Speaking of teachers, you're new Defense against the dark arts teacher is arriving a little late. However, he will be here in time for classes tomorrow. With all said and done, let us eat!" The food appeared on the table and the kids began to dig in. "Slave food." Hermoine muttered. "SLAVES made this food." she yelled in Ron's ear, who had by now consumed two chicken legs and a big hunk of God- knows-what. "Don't tell me you're going into THAT again." Ron sighed. "Hey Ron, you notice how Hermoine only goes on about S.P.E.W. and slave labor and such about once a month?" Harry whispered. "What're you saying Harry? Hermoine's some sort of social services werewolf?" he asked quietly so she wouldn't hear. Harry put his hand on Ron's shoulder, sighed, and bowed his head. "No wonder your still single." Excel drooled at what was before her. Food. Real food. She didn't have to kill it. It wasn't in some girls lunchbox for three weeks. It was food. FREE FOOD! What came after this will go down in Hogwarts history as the first time a student ate so much the house elves could not keep up. Hyatt looked over at her senior, not quite knowing what to make of this. But, as the saying goes, don't sweat the small stuff. Life's too short, especially if you're Hyatt. Once the meal was finished, courtesy of Excel, the prefects led the students to their common rooms. Excel gaped at the painting of the fat lady they were standing in front of. "It's Hamtaro time." the prefect sighed, slightly embarassed. "Those little HamHams are so darn cute." the fat lady said as the painting opened. The prefect showed the first years where the dormitories were, and Excel and Hyatt went up to to claim their beds. Excel collapsed on her bed after she finished unpacking her things. She looked over at Hyatt who was doing something on a laptop. "Waaiiiiitttt, I thought electronic devices didn't work here." Hyatt motioned to the plot hole on the floor. "Oh! That makes complete sense!" Excel chirped. "So, whaddya doing Hyatt-Chan?" she jumped next to Hyatt on her bed and peered over her shoulder. "I am conducting further research on our mission by tapping into the minds of the fanbase to study character traits and therefore make getting into whatever "in" crowd we made need to penetrate to get vital information from much easier." Long pause. "So, uh...whaddya got so far?" "Well, currently I have summed up the boy named Ron is in deep love with the girl named Her-...I can't pronounce that, Herminny I'll just say, but will never admit it. A boy named Draco is merely misunderstood from a bad family life, and Sirius Black likes to lick chocolate syrup off of Remus Lupin's hot sexy chest." an even longer, more awkward pause. "Hyatt-chan, what site are you on?" she asked, not over the shock of hearing something she'd never thought she'd hear from Hyatt. "A very vital information source, I've found thousands of documents on this website. Almost enough to that we may not need to fulfill this mission. It's called, Fanfiction dot net." Hyatt beamed at her senior, proud of all she had accomplished. Excel merely stared at the screen. "....Ooh! Rocky Horror fiction! Go there!"
~~end part 2~~
a/n: w00t, part 2 done. I tried to make this a little more intellectual humor, but I can't. Excel Saga is not intellectual humor. Ideas or suggestions? Please give.
Hagrid rowed the first years to the castle. The boat ride went smoothly, if you don't count the incident of Hyatt almost falling over, but we aren't. The children piled into the Great Hall and waited, whispering about how they might be sorted into the different houses. "I wonder how we are to be sorted into the houses?" Hyatt asked Excel. "How the hell should I know?" she asked, trying to muffle the screams of menchi with her robe. Professor McGonagall walked in and led the students to the sorting ceremony. They all got in line and waited anxciously for what was to come. She came to a giant chair and set an old hat onto it. They waited in silence for a few minutes. "...well?" McGonagall asked. "What?" the hat sneered back in reply. "...aren't you gonna sing?" Snape asked. "Gee Severus, I didn't realize you enjoyed the sound of my voice that much. If you wanted to hear me sing so badly you should come visit me on my off hours and I'll gladly belt out some rap." the hat sneered sarcastically. "A talking hat? Well don't that just beat all." Excel said, scratching this new information into her leg with a chisel. "Seriously though, I don't feel like singing this year. Just call out the kid's names and lets get this over with." he sighed. "..haaaaaat.." Dumbledore whispered, pulling a knife out from under his robes from under the table so only the hat could see it.
"Ok! Ok! Um...Lalalala, Gryffindors are brave, lalalla, Slytherins are meani butts, hrmhrmlala Hufflepuffs work hard, laalla Ravenclaws are smart, done." there was an awkward silence. "You're lucky I liked that song." Dumbledore whispered. McGonagall pulled out a parchment and started to call out names. The first kid was put in Ravenclaw, however he went to the table screaming because the hat had whispered "please kill me.". "Excel Excel!" Mcgonagall said. Excel ran upto the hat and put it on. "OH DEAR GOD!" the hat cried. "Your a complete idiot, nor do you really fit into any of the house stereotypes. However.....since your the main character, GRYFFINDOR!" it yelled. Excel went to the Gryffindor table and sat next to Ginny Weasly...who slowly scooted as far away from her as possible. Hyatt came up later and was also placed in Gryffindor, and was now lying face down on the floor next to the table. "Well, thats all of them." McGonagall sighed, releived. She sat down at the table next to Dumbledore as he stood up. Everyone could swear they heard Snape muttering something about Puff Daddy, Cyanide, and 'Oh yes, that'll kill it.' "I'd like to welcome everyone back to Hogwarts for another year, and to our first years, may you find yourslevs at home here. We are hoping that this year we will go through without any deaths, evil teachers, or strange plots to destroy someone or something." Excel laughed nervously to herself at these words. "Speaking of teachers, you're new Defense against the dark arts teacher is arriving a little late. However, he will be here in time for classes tomorrow. With all said and done, let us eat!" The food appeared on the table and the kids began to dig in. "Slave food." Hermoine muttered. "SLAVES made this food." she yelled in Ron's ear, who had by now consumed two chicken legs and a big hunk of God- knows-what. "Don't tell me you're going into THAT again." Ron sighed. "Hey Ron, you notice how Hermoine only goes on about S.P.E.W. and slave labor and such about once a month?" Harry whispered. "What're you saying Harry? Hermoine's some sort of social services werewolf?" he asked quietly so she wouldn't hear. Harry put his hand on Ron's shoulder, sighed, and bowed his head. "No wonder your still single." Excel drooled at what was before her. Food. Real food. She didn't have to kill it. It wasn't in some girls lunchbox for three weeks. It was food. FREE FOOD! What came after this will go down in Hogwarts history as the first time a student ate so much the house elves could not keep up. Hyatt looked over at her senior, not quite knowing what to make of this. But, as the saying goes, don't sweat the small stuff. Life's too short, especially if you're Hyatt. Once the meal was finished, courtesy of Excel, the prefects led the students to their common rooms. Excel gaped at the painting of the fat lady they were standing in front of. "It's Hamtaro time." the prefect sighed, slightly embarassed. "Those little HamHams are so darn cute." the fat lady said as the painting opened. The prefect showed the first years where the dormitories were, and Excel and Hyatt went up to to claim their beds. Excel collapsed on her bed after she finished unpacking her things. She looked over at Hyatt who was doing something on a laptop. "Waaiiiiitttt, I thought electronic devices didn't work here." Hyatt motioned to the plot hole on the floor. "Oh! That makes complete sense!" Excel chirped. "So, whaddya doing Hyatt-Chan?" she jumped next to Hyatt on her bed and peered over her shoulder. "I am conducting further research on our mission by tapping into the minds of the fanbase to study character traits and therefore make getting into whatever "in" crowd we made need to penetrate to get vital information from much easier." Long pause. "So, uh...whaddya got so far?" "Well, currently I have summed up the boy named Ron is in deep love with the girl named Her-...I can't pronounce that, Herminny I'll just say, but will never admit it. A boy named Draco is merely misunderstood from a bad family life, and Sirius Black likes to lick chocolate syrup off of Remus Lupin's hot sexy chest." an even longer, more awkward pause. "Hyatt-chan, what site are you on?" she asked, not over the shock of hearing something she'd never thought she'd hear from Hyatt. "A very vital information source, I've found thousands of documents on this website. Almost enough to that we may not need to fulfill this mission. It's called, Fanfiction dot net." Hyatt beamed at her senior, proud of all she had accomplished. Excel merely stared at the screen. "....Ooh! Rocky Horror fiction! Go there!"
~~end part 2~~
a/n: w00t, part 2 done. I tried to make this a little more intellectual humor, but I can't. Excel Saga is not intellectual humor. Ideas or suggestions? Please give.