Hope
Do you often wonder what life would be like if things were different, if that one critical moment had never happened? I do. I wonder if I could have gotten there earlier, could have fought harder, something I could have done, I could have said.
Yeah, I've got a lot of regrets. I know I'll only collect more as I get older. Although, tonight it almost feels like this twenty three year old is a hundred and three. Is it always like this? I've seen too much and lived too hard. Sure, I only did what I had too, but that just makes the whole thing seem so damned hilarious. You gotta believe the Universe has a sense of humor. If you don't, well. . .
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sorry for the things I've done. I just can't help but wonder. Why in hells did it have to be me? But then again, if it wasn't for everything, then I'd never have met Her. And maybe. . . Maybe just having known her a little while, it was all worth it in the end.
Maybe I loved Tifa once, but then again, it was a long time ago. It always seems to work out that way for me; wanting what I can't have. When we were little, Tifa and the other kids thought I was strange, and they'd never include me in anything they did. It hurt, when the girl I cared about could hardly remember my name for two days on end.
The night at the well? What about it? Tifa came that night, when I asked her to, and I was surprised. Who wouldn't be? I didn't even think she knew I existed, let alone gave a damn. And then there was that promise. Well, I dispensed with that long ago, and it's about time we both let go of the past.
I know Tifa cares now, I know it hurts her that I don't say the things she wants me to say. It hurts her like it hurt me all those years ago. Not that I'd ever wish that on anybody, I never meant to hurt Tifa. She's a sweet girl, brave and strong, but I also know that it can't be Tifa. I can't be there for her like she wants me to, because if I took her in my arms I'd only be living a lie. I'd just end up hurting both of us even more, and how could I do that to Tifa?
No, there's only one person I could ever spend my life with, and she's gone. Dearest Aeris, for every tear that we've cried, in the memory of the Planet and in my heart, you never died.
The ironic part is that I would have given it all up for her, just to spend another day with her, to laugh with her, be there for her when she felt all alone. And then she turns out to be some sort of damned hero and throws away her life to save us all. Maybe she knew how it would end, maybe she didn't. Damn. This is getting to be a lot of maybes. But whatever the case, she flew away before I ever got to tell her how I felt. Not that she didn't know, but still, I wonder. . .
Aeris was the only one who could bring me out of the shell I'd built around myself. She was the only one who saw through the strange lie I'd stolen and made my own. When she looked at me with those beautiful green eyes of hers I could feel my world being turned upside down. I know it was Tifa who took me by the hand and led me to the truth in the Lifestream, but who's to say Aeris wouldn't have done the same?
No, that isn't fair to either Tifa or Aeris. Maybe I'm just bitter. But I know that Aeris is the one who made me care. She smiled that smile of hers and went on smiling even as she fell into the darkness. Even in death, her smile lit up the world. I think. . . I think she was my savior. My angel.
Ha. Look at me talking about letting go of the past. And where am I? Saddling my gold chocobo to leave as Tifa sobs her heart out inside, thinking I don't know. But I do, and that makes it even worse. Don't cry, Tifa. You are my best friend forever, and I will never forget you, but I can't stay here. Kalm is not where I'm meant to be, not here, not now.
I think the most precious gift that Aeris gave me was hope. Hope that there would be a tomorrow, hope that the sun would come up again, hope that there would be someone by my side. Now, I need all the hope she can give. I've been thinking lately.
It was. . . a year now? Seems like only last night. Anyway, Sephiroth was supposed to be genetically identical to the Ancients, right? A long time ago, Sephiroth died in an old Mako reactor, but his anger and insanity drove him to resist the Lifestream. His spirit went on even after his body was encased in Mako. He didn't have a way to live, but he didn't have the faith to die.
Maybe. . . maybe Aeris is out there too, but kept alive by hope and love instead of anger, waiting for me. No, that's stupid. I know her spirit is still alive. Every time the wind blows through the grass, I can hear her laugh, and every time I see the ocean, it's like looking into her sparkling eyes again. Maybe I'm crazy, or. . . maybe I just have hope.
And now as I ride off towards the north to look for an answer, please don't cry Tifa. I won't look back, and because of that, I'm not worth your tears. There'll be someone else who can care about you like I couldn't, you're too beautiful and kind for there not to be.
If you're watching me as I go now, your Ruby eyes red from crying, please Tifa, believe. I believe in my heart that I'll be back one day, that I'll find her and live that happily ever after. And maybe, maybe if you believe in me too I'll be able to go ever farther. Because there is a tomorrow, another sunrise and someone standing by your side; and only hope will get us there.
~*
Do you often wonder what life would be like if things were different, if that one critical moment had never happened? I do. I wonder if I could have gotten there earlier, could have fought harder, something I could have done, I could have said.
Yeah, I've got a lot of regrets. I know I'll only collect more as I get older. Although, tonight it almost feels like this twenty three year old is a hundred and three. Is it always like this? I've seen too much and lived too hard. Sure, I only did what I had too, but that just makes the whole thing seem so damned hilarious. You gotta believe the Universe has a sense of humor. If you don't, well. . .
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sorry for the things I've done. I just can't help but wonder. Why in hells did it have to be me? But then again, if it wasn't for everything, then I'd never have met Her. And maybe. . . Maybe just having known her a little while, it was all worth it in the end.
Maybe I loved Tifa once, but then again, it was a long time ago. It always seems to work out that way for me; wanting what I can't have. When we were little, Tifa and the other kids thought I was strange, and they'd never include me in anything they did. It hurt, when the girl I cared about could hardly remember my name for two days on end.
The night at the well? What about it? Tifa came that night, when I asked her to, and I was surprised. Who wouldn't be? I didn't even think she knew I existed, let alone gave a damn. And then there was that promise. Well, I dispensed with that long ago, and it's about time we both let go of the past.
I know Tifa cares now, I know it hurts her that I don't say the things she wants me to say. It hurts her like it hurt me all those years ago. Not that I'd ever wish that on anybody, I never meant to hurt Tifa. She's a sweet girl, brave and strong, but I also know that it can't be Tifa. I can't be there for her like she wants me to, because if I took her in my arms I'd only be living a lie. I'd just end up hurting both of us even more, and how could I do that to Tifa?
No, there's only one person I could ever spend my life with, and she's gone. Dearest Aeris, for every tear that we've cried, in the memory of the Planet and in my heart, you never died.
The ironic part is that I would have given it all up for her, just to spend another day with her, to laugh with her, be there for her when she felt all alone. And then she turns out to be some sort of damned hero and throws away her life to save us all. Maybe she knew how it would end, maybe she didn't. Damn. This is getting to be a lot of maybes. But whatever the case, she flew away before I ever got to tell her how I felt. Not that she didn't know, but still, I wonder. . .
Aeris was the only one who could bring me out of the shell I'd built around myself. She was the only one who saw through the strange lie I'd stolen and made my own. When she looked at me with those beautiful green eyes of hers I could feel my world being turned upside down. I know it was Tifa who took me by the hand and led me to the truth in the Lifestream, but who's to say Aeris wouldn't have done the same?
No, that isn't fair to either Tifa or Aeris. Maybe I'm just bitter. But I know that Aeris is the one who made me care. She smiled that smile of hers and went on smiling even as she fell into the darkness. Even in death, her smile lit up the world. I think. . . I think she was my savior. My angel.
Ha. Look at me talking about letting go of the past. And where am I? Saddling my gold chocobo to leave as Tifa sobs her heart out inside, thinking I don't know. But I do, and that makes it even worse. Don't cry, Tifa. You are my best friend forever, and I will never forget you, but I can't stay here. Kalm is not where I'm meant to be, not here, not now.
I think the most precious gift that Aeris gave me was hope. Hope that there would be a tomorrow, hope that the sun would come up again, hope that there would be someone by my side. Now, I need all the hope she can give. I've been thinking lately.
It was. . . a year now? Seems like only last night. Anyway, Sephiroth was supposed to be genetically identical to the Ancients, right? A long time ago, Sephiroth died in an old Mako reactor, but his anger and insanity drove him to resist the Lifestream. His spirit went on even after his body was encased in Mako. He didn't have a way to live, but he didn't have the faith to die.
Maybe. . . maybe Aeris is out there too, but kept alive by hope and love instead of anger, waiting for me. No, that's stupid. I know her spirit is still alive. Every time the wind blows through the grass, I can hear her laugh, and every time I see the ocean, it's like looking into her sparkling eyes again. Maybe I'm crazy, or. . . maybe I just have hope.
And now as I ride off towards the north to look for an answer, please don't cry Tifa. I won't look back, and because of that, I'm not worth your tears. There'll be someone else who can care about you like I couldn't, you're too beautiful and kind for there not to be.
If you're watching me as I go now, your Ruby eyes red from crying, please Tifa, believe. I believe in my heart that I'll be back one day, that I'll find her and live that happily ever after. And maybe, maybe if you believe in me too I'll be able to go ever farther. Because there is a tomorrow, another sunrise and someone standing by your side; and only hope will get us there.
~*