Warnings: 2+1, shounen ai, angst, clichés, slightly disjointed writing
Note: This is a companion fic to "A Willingly Carried Burden", but it can stand alone. It used to be a songfic to Christine Lavin's "Getting' Used to Leavin'", but in compliance with the current rules, I removed the lyrics. I think they help clarify the story, personally, but if anyone wants to read the original, it can be found on my homepage.
Disclaimers: I did not create Gundam Wing or its characters, and therefore do not own them.
Gettin' Used to Leavin'
By Rapunzel
I sat on a cardboard box and looked around, surveying the bare, almost empty space that had been my apartment. It looked just as it had when I'd first arrived. It was depressing, really, to think that even though I had been living here for several months, I had made very little difference in the place. It made me wonder how much of a difference the rest of my life had made.
Most people would laugh at me if they heard me say that. "Why Duo," they would say, "of course you made a difference. You won the war." They would say that, and they would be both right and wrong. I didn't win the war, we won the war. Me and the guys. Now that I was by myself, everything was different.
I was dawdling again, and I knew it. I really needed to finish packing; my shuttle was due to leave the next day. Pretty soon, I would be on a new colony, ready to start over and make a new life for myself.
The problem was, whatever life I started was likely to be just like the last one. And the one before that. And the one before that.
I don't know why I kept jumping from place to place, never staying in one town for more than a few months. No, that's not true. I knew why, I just didn't know how to stop the cycle. I'd move to a new place, I'd get a temporary job, I'd think that maybe I'd have a chance of settling down.
Then it would happen. The silence started to eat me alive, and I needed company. I'm not used to being by myself. In my youth, there were always other people around me on the streets of L2, friendly or otherwise. I used to run with a pack; I'm not meant to be a loner. So I'd go out, seek company, and I'd find it. I tried telling myself that after him, I didn't want anybody else, but I couldn't help myself.
It never lasted. No matter how much I deluded myself, not matter how long I managed to carry on the illusion, none of the people I found were Heero. And eventually, I'd wake up and realize that, and when that happened, I couldn't hold it together. That why I had to leave. Run away to never return.
I never managed to stay on any given colony even for more than one year. Pretty soon, I'd run out of colonies and have to head back to earth. I was putting that off for as long as possible. He was on earth, and of all the ex-lovers I didn't want to run into, he was at the top of the list. He even surpassed the woman who swore she'd kill me for walking out on her, because death wouldn't be as painful as having to see Heero with someone else.
Hauling out another box, I began to empty my desk draws into it. Pretty soon, my hands were moving without conscious direction from my mind. When I realized it, I stopped for a minute. My hands were so used to doing this that they had automatically stacked my paper and pencils in the box in perfect neatness while my brain had been elsewhere.
Suddenly disgusted with myself, I got up and stalked out of the apartment, leaving my packing box half full.
I'd hoped that the walk would calm my nerves. It didn't. All it did was make me doubt all the more. Was I making the right choice? Probably not. All the moving was making me unhappy. I would have been better off just staying in one spot and trying to build a life there. Trouble was, no spot seemed good enough.
When I'd first come to this colony, I thought that maybe this would be it. And for a while, it seemed like it would be. I got a job, nothing special, but nothing too hideous, and it paid the bills. I made acquaintances, all of whom were friendly enough. I started to settle into the general atmosphere of the place.
But it didn't last.
What broke the mood? My own stupidity, that's what. I just had to go and start thinking about him. It always happens eventually, usually at night. Once I was done with work for the day, I would go home to an empty apartment and start thinking about how much better life would be if Heero was here to share it with me. Pretty soon, it got to the point where I couldn't stand to be there anymore. The silence was full of quiet reminders of what might have been. So I went out and drown out the silence with music so that I didn't have to hear it anymore.
Then, to try and fill the emptiness, I'd bring home people. Random people I met at clubs or bars or parties, or even work, although I tried to avoid those, since it made things awkward. I'd bring them to my apartment (not exactly home, just where I happened to live), or go to their place. And pretty soon I'd have one more failed relationship to add to the tally. It wasn't that they weren't nice people; they were. But they weren't him.
I felt bad about that. Wallowing in my own misery was one thing, but dragging other people down with me was another. Then, when I ran away, I'd leave them behind. Have you ever felt bad just because you know you should feel bad, but you don't? That was how I felt at the partings. Sometimes I'd leave my lover in tears, which made me feel like I should be upset over the breakup too. But I wasn't. I never cried. What was the point?
When I got back to the apartment, my boxes were still waiting for me. Resignedly, I finished filling them and went to bed. I had to get up early the next day, after all. Tomorrow was a whole new day, and maybe the beginning of a whole new life. I could hope, couldn't I?
I wasn't feeling quiet so hopeful the next morning, but then mornings never have been my favorite time of day. To make things worse, I had already packed my coffee maker, so I had to settle for the terrible stuff labeled coffee that I got on my way to the shuttle port. As I stood in line, reading my newspaper, I was feeling downright grumpy until the article caught my eye.
"Gundam Pilot Reunion A Success So Far," the title said. It was the word "Gundam" that caught my eye, and as I read through the article, I found myself getting interested. A reunion, huh? I hadn't been invited, but then they simply might have assumed that I wasn't interested, since it had been at least five years since I had contacted any of my fellow pilots. I knew that getting in touch with even one of them would alert Heero to my whereabouts, and I really didn't want to have to see him. Just being in his presence, knowing that he was with Relena and not me would have hurt too much.
Still, the idea of going to the reunion was intriguing. After all, Heero was hardly the only one who had piloted a Gundam. It might not be such a bad thing to check up with the others. Could I endure a week of unbridled, hopeless longing for what I couldn't have just to see Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei?
I was so lost in thought that I almost didn't notice that I was at the head of the line. As I stepped up to the ticket counter, I made my decision.
"What time is the next available shuttle to earth?"
Owari
:grits teeth: I love my dorm mates. Really, I do. But if the guy across the hall plays that song one more time, I'm going to wring his neck! Or maybe just burn his speakers...