[DISCLAIMER: The only characters in this story that belong to me are ones that have never featured in F.R.I.E.N.D.S (All other ones belong to Marta Kauffman and David Crane.) This story was not created for profit but for entertainment only.]

The One With Aunt Peggy

[ Scene: Monica and Chandler's everyone is present except Phoebe, Ross is on the phone]

Ross: '7.30pm? ok Mom, will do. Bye [Hangs up phone] I don't believe this! This is the worst thing that could have happened ever!

Chandler: 'Aliens have landed and the world is under attack?'

Ross: 'No'

Rachel [Watching TV] : 'Bailey just shot Paige and now we'll never know who the father is!'

Monica: 'Excuse me?'

Rachel [Looks away from the TV]: 'Oh I'm sorry, I was just really into this episode of 'General Hospital' what were you saying about aliens Ross?

Ross [Glares at Rachel]: 'Actually, I just heard that Aunt Peggy is in town and we [Looks at Monica] have to have dinner with her tomorrow night'

Monica: 'Aunt Peggy! I love Aunt Peggy! shes so great. I'll never understand why you don't like her Ross'

Ross: 'Well It could be the fact that she's had a vendetta against me since I was born'

Monica: 'Oh come on Ross what would make you think Aunt Peggy has a vendetta against you?'

Ross: 'Lets see, every year on my birthday she gave me a nickel and told me to get a haircut, every Christmas she gave you $10 and told you to get something you wanted and she gave me a pair of uncle Joe's socks and then there was the...'

Monica: 'Ok, Ok I get your point, she favoured me over you a little bit...'

Ross: 'A little bit..!?'

Monica: '...However, that was years ago and we haven't even seen her in so long, I'm sure she's completely different now'

Ross [Looks to the others for support]: 'Can you guys believe this?'

Joey: 'I know, I mean she should at least have had the decency to buy you the socks'

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Continued from earlier but only Rachel and Chandler are in the room]

Chandler: 'I'll never understand how you can watch this stuff Rach, I mean it's so far fetched'

Rachel: 'Oh come on, you'd love it if you gave it a chance'

Chandler: 'You know, I don't think I would'

Rachel: 'Just watch a little bit of this with me and if you don't like it I won't say anymore about it, it's 'Days Of Our Lives'

Chandler: 'But I don't wanna watch it, I mean just because my friend is in it doesn't mean I wanna watch 'Days Of Our Lives' cr...[Joey comes out of the bathroom] hey Joe'

Joey: 'What were you saying? I thought I heard something about 'Days Of Our Lives'

Rachel: 'Yeah he was just saying about how....'

Chandler: 'How glad I am that it's finally on, I've been waiting to watch this all day so why don't you be quiet already!'

Joey [Smiling]: 'Oh, OK. Well I'd love to stay and watch it with you but I've got a date with a hot girl so I gotta go'

Rachel And Chandler: 'Bye'

[Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica is sitting in a chair waiting for him]

Monica: 'Come on Ross! we're gonna be late'

[Ross comes out of the bathroom dressed but with a white face (talc)]

Ross: 'I think I might be sick maybe you should go and I should stay home'

Monica: 'Ross, you march right back into that bathroom and wash that talcum powder off your face right now so we can go!'

Ross: 'But Mon, I don't...'

Monica: 'NOW!'

[Ross puts on 'hurt bunny look' and heads to the bathroom]

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Rachel and Chandler are in front of the TV, Chandler is engrossed]

TV: 'Oh Adam I love you too but there's something I have to tell you, I'm actually a man'

Chandler: 'Oh my god! this is the best show ever! I can't believe I've never watched this before!'

Rachel: 'See, I told you maybe you should listen to what...'

Chandler: 'Shhh!'

TV: 'Will Adam stay with Amanda after her shock confession? find out next time on 'Days Of Our Lives'

Chandler: 'NOOO! I can't wait all that time to find out what happens!'

[Phoebe runs out of one of the bedrooms looking panic stricken]

Phoebe: 'What happened did someone die? Why were you screaming Rachel?'

Rachel: 'Actually Chandler was the one who was screaming'

Chandler: 'I did not scream, Chandler Bing does NOT scream OK, I gave a masculine yell'

Phoebe [To Chandler]: 'I heard you screaming?'

Chandler: 'I was NOT scr...'

Rachel: 'Yes, Mr. Masculinity here is upset that he has to wait a whole week to find out what happens on 'Days Of Our Lives'

[Scene: A restaurant, Joey is sitting with his date Jennifer, he looks on the verge of falling asleep]

Jennifer: '...and another thing I really like to do is go on archaelogical digs and collect fossils of...'

Joey [Nods and smiles and is thinking to himself]: 'She's so hot! How can someone that hot be so boring?'

Jennifer: '...then of course there's my stamps ,you know I've actually got this really great story about this time I was putting stamps into my album and...'

Joey: 'I hate to interrupt you but we really should order now'

Jennifer: 'Oh that's OK, I'm not hungry so anyway as I was saying I got these new stamps, right? and I was...'

[Joey sits back, resigned to listening to stories about stamps]

[Scene: Another restaurant, Monica and Ross are at a table waiting for aunt Peggy, Ross is ranting about her being late]

Ross: '...I mean she could at least have the decency to show up on time, she did ruin my childhood after all'

Monica: 'Oh come on, Ross don't you think you're over-reacting just a little bit? I mean Mom always favoured you and my childhood wasn't ruined'

Ross: 'Oh, so now you're on her side?'

[Aunt Peggy comes in]

Monica: 'Hi Aunt Peggy! It's great to see you!'

Aunt Peggy: 'Monica! How's my favourite niece? I've missed you so much!'

Ross: 'Hi Aunt Peggy'

Aunt Peggy [Unenthusiastically]: 'Hello Ross'

Monica: 'Ok lets order!'

Aunt Peggy: 'Good idea, WAITER!'

[Waiter Comes Over]

Waiter: 'Are you ready ro order?'

Aunt Peggy: 'Yes, I would like the 'Filet Mignon'

Monica: 'I'll have the Chicken'

Waiter [To Ross]: 'And for you, Sir'

Ross: 'I'll take Salmon En Croute and could you bring me some water if it's not too much trouble'

Waiter: 'Certainly Sir'

Ross: 'Thankyou'

[Waiter goes away]

Aunt Peggy: 'Why are you such a kiss up Ross?'

Ross: 'What?'

Aunt Peggy [Trying to imitate Ross]: 'Bring me a glass of water if it's not too much trouble'

Ross: 'Well excuse me for having manners'

Monica [Trying to neutralise the situation]: 'So, Aunt Peggy what have you been doing since we saw you last'

Ross [Under his breath]: 'Apart from sacrificing kids'

Aunt Peggy: 'Did you say something Ross'

Ross [Brightly]: 'No'

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: Monica And Chandlers Phoebe Is Telling Rachel Her Dream, Chandler Is Watching The TV]

Rachel: 'So let me get this straight, Michael Jackson told you something awful is going to happen to one of us?'

Phoebe: 'Well, you know he is my guardian angel so he's obliged to tell me things like that'

Chandler: 'Can he tell me if Jack really is just using Hannah? Because that's the last thing she needs right now'

Phoebe: 'That's just fine Chandler, you make as many jokes as you like but one of you is in real danger and you find it so funny when something bad happens'

Chandler: 'Maybe Michael made it up, he does have a reputation for being Bad'

Rachel: 'Chandler! Phoebe's worried and it's our job as her friends to make her feel better about this. Phoebe, honey this was just a dream, nothing awful is going to happen'

[Joey enters]

Joey: 'Something awful just happened!'

Phoebe: 'See!'

Rachel: 'Joey, what happened?'

Joey: 'Well I was out on a date with this girl and she was so boring I couldn't even imagine myself kissing her!

Chandler: 'Who are you and what have you done with Joey!?'

Joey: 'I'm serious you guys, what am I supposed to do?'

Rachel: 'Honey all you have to do is tell her you think you'd be better off as friends and then leave it at that'

Joey: 'And you think that'll work?'

Rachel: 'Sure it will'

Joey: 'Ok, thanks Rach, now I gotta go and watch some TV and remember what entertainment feels like'

Chandler: 'Why don't you stay and watch this?'

Joey: 'What is it?'

Chandler: 'General Hospital'

Joey: 'Bye!'

[Scene: Restaurant, Aunt Peggy is drunk and is putting Ross down in front of the whole restaurant]

Aunt Peggy: '...and he used to run about my front garden in his underwear and sing 'Hey Diddle Diddle...' to the neighbours'

Ross: 'You made me do that!'

Monica [Stifling a laugh]: 'Oh my god'

Ross: 'What about Monica? She used to rip the wallpaper off and eat it!'

Monica: 'Hey!'

Ross: 'You laugh at me, you pay the price'

Aunt Peggy: 'And you know something Ross? I never really liked you'

Ross: 'Yeah, I got that'

Monica: 'Aunt Peggy, What have you got against Ross? What did he ever do to make you hate him so much?'

Aunt Peggy: 'I though you were on my side Monica? Why would you turn against me like that?'

Monica: 'I'm not on anyone's side I was just...'

Aunt Peggy: 'Well if you're going to play that game then I can play too [To everyone else]: I once caught Monica practising kissing in my mirror'

[Monica gasps with horror as everyone laughs]

Ross: 'Come on Monica, lets go we don't have to put up with this'

Monica: 'Yes, lets'

Aunt Peggy: 'Don't you walk away from me [Goes to stand up] did you hear me? I said...'

[Tries to pull herself up, fails and she falls back onto the floor and lies there in a drunken sleep as everyone laughs]

[Monica and Ross are now outside the restaurant]

Ross: 'Did you really practise kissing in the mirror'

Monica: 'Oh shut up 'Hey Diddle Diddle!'

[End Credits]

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Jennifer are there, he is breaking up with her]

Joey: '.It's nothing you've done it just that I don't think we have enough in common and that's why I think we should stop seeing each other'

Jennifer: 'But I really enjoyed our date and I thought you did too?

Joey: 'I'm really sorry, but I think I know someone you would have more in common with.....'

[Scene: Restaurant Ross and Jennifer are on a date]

Ross: '..And I'm a professor at NYU, I teach Palaeontology there, I actually have this really great dinosaur story...'

Jennifer [Thinking to herself]: 'He's so boring!'

THE END