[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is alone on the sofa drinking coffee when Ross comes in]
Ross: Hey Rach! how come you're all alone?
Rachel: Hi, I'm actually just waiting for Michael.
[Gunther (behind counter) looks up, interested in this conversation]
Ross: Michael?
Rachel: Yeah, I met him today at the Laundromat
Ross: Oh, Ok...wait a second what were you doing at a Laundromat?
Rachel [unconvincingly]: Uhh...Laundry?
[Ross gives her a 'yeah right' look]
Rachel: Ok, Ok .. I was trying to meet cute, single guys it's not a crime. Anyway go away 'cos here he comes
[Ross exits. Michael enters. Gunther watches Rachel and Michael]
Rachel: Hi Michael!
Michael: Hey, I'm really looking forward to our date, would you mind if i grabbed a coffee before we go?
Rachel: No, not at all
[ Michael approches the counter]
Michael: Hey, can I get a cup of coffee?
Gunther: I'm sorry we don't sell coffee here
[Opening Credits]
[Scene: Outside Central Perk Rachel and Michael are walking down the street]
Rachel: I have to apologise again about Gunther, I can't believe he wouldn't serve you
Michael: That's OK, and anyway I got the coffee in the end, right?
Rachel: Right, but he could've given it to you in a cup
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is watching TV when Monica comes out of the bedroom]
Monica (Seductively): Chandler..
Chandler (Non-interestedly): Uh huh?
Monica: Do you wanna come to bed?
Chandler: No thanks I'm not tired
Monica: I'm not talking about sleep
Chandler: Ok then, I'm too tired
Monica: CHANDLER!
Chandler: What?
Monica: Turn off that TV and get in here and have sex with me right now!
Chandler: You know, I never really liked being dominated
[Monica glares at him]
Chandler: Ok Ok, give me ten minutes, I've gotta see the end of this
[Monica dejectedly goes back to the bedroom]
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Phoebe and Joey are present and are sitting around looking bored]
Joey: Pheebs, I'm bored
Phoebe: Me too, oh hey! do you want me to get my guitar and sing to you again
Joey: No thanks, I kinda feel embarrased when you sing to me
Phoebe: Aww is it because you're so shy?
Joey: No, actually it's because you sing about my chubby cheeks and squishy butt
Phoebe: Alright, so what else can we do? Wait! I know! Let's start a band! Yeah I'll play guitar and you sing
Joey: As long as there aren't any squishy butt songs
Phoebe: What about chubby cheeks?
Joey: Nope
Phoebe: Deal! Ok so lets decide on a name
Joey: Ok, how about...'Joey And Tit Clan?' [Motions to her breasts]
Phoebe: Hey Yeah! You know what, while we're at it lets call it 'Pheebs And The Chubby Twins' [Motions to his cheeks]
Joey: Ok, I get your point but, we still don't have a name
Phoebe: What about 'The Twirly Treelovers?'
[Cut to Ross's Apartment, He's Reading A 'Mills And Boon' Book When Rachel Enters]
[Ross Hears The Door Open And Quickly Throws The Book Across The Room]
Ross [Breathlessly]: Hi Rachel! I was just err.. watching TV
[He Looks At The TV Which Is Off]
Rachel: Ross, I know you read Mills & Boon
Ross [About To Protest]: But I...
Rachel: Oh come on, I've looked under your bed
[Ross Is Slightly Shocked]
Rachel: Anyway, I'm too depressed to care
Ross: Bad date?
Rachel: That's one way of putting it
Ross: So what happened?
Rachel [Sitting Down]: It all started when we got to the restaurant
[Scene: Restaurant, Rachel And Michael Are Sitting At A Table When A Waiter Comes Up]
Rachel: So, um Michael what do you do for a living?
Michael [Looking At Her Breasts]: What? [Realising and looking up quickly] Oh! sorry, actually I'm between jobs at the moment
Rachel: Wow that must be kinda frustrating huh?
Michael [Looking at her breasts again]: Not really, it gives me time to focus on other things
Rachel [A Little Uncomfortably]: Uh, Ok
Michael: I'm sorry but I gotta tie my shoe
Rachel: Ok sure
[Michael Bends Down Looking Like He's Tieing His Shoe But He's Really Looking Up Her Dress]
Rachel [After A Few Minutes]: Everything Ok down there?
Michael: Looks great to me!
[Rachel Looks Under The Table And Sees What He's Doing]
Rachel: Oh my god! Get up from there you pervert!
[Commercial Break]
[Scene: Ross And Rachel's Apartment Continued From Earlier]
Rachel: So that's what happened
Ross: That's it?
Rachel: What do you mean ''thats it?''
Ross: Rach, you deliberately wear short skirts so guys can see as much as possible, he was just..going a step further
Rachel: I know but, he could have at least asked!
Ross: Rachel..
Rachel: You know what, that's it I'm through dating guys I meet at the laundromat, actually strike that, I'm through dating altogether
Ross: And a thousand guys heave a sigh of disappointment
[Rachel Glares At Him]
[Scene: Monica And Chandler's Apartment, Chandler Is Still Watching TV When Monica Comes Out]
Monica: Chandler why aren't you in here yet?
Chandler: Maybe because I'm out here?
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler [Switching off TV and standing up]: Ok, fine, I'll go have sex, but I won't enjoy it
Monica: Fine! Um...will you carry me into the bedroom like you used to?
Chandler: Actually you know what, I kinda have a sore back
Monica: Ok, you know what, if you don't wanna do this then I'll just go have sex with.....Joey!
Chandler [Sarcastically]: Wow, that's good foreplay!
Monica: Why won't you carry me?
Chandler: I told you why
Monica: But I'm light as a feather, I'll show you
[Monica climbs up onto a table which breaks beneath her]
Monica [Looking up at chandler from among the rubble]: See!
[Joey's Apartment: Continued From Earlier]
Phoebe: Ok, so we can't decide on a name yet but lets start with a song
Joey: Ok
Phoebe: Ok, so I'll play some chords and you sing whatever comes into mind
[Phoebe Begins To Play]
[Joey Doesn't Sing And After A While Phoebe Looks Up]
Phoebe: Joey you're supposed to be singing
Joey: I know but, I can't
Phoebe: Just use your imagination
[Phoebe Plays More Chords, Joey Still Doesn't Sing]
Joey: Yeah, this was a stupid idea
[Joey gets up to leave and Phoebe grabs him by the ear and makes him sit down again]
Phoebe: You just sit there and you sing until we have a song!
Joey: Hmm, I wonder if this is how the big stars do it
[Scene: NYU Ross has just finished a class and has met Rachel outside the classroom]
Ross: Hi, so where do you wanna go for lunch?
Rachel: I dunno, you decide
Ross: Ok, well there's a great little Italian place on bleaker
Rachel: Italians fine
[They Start Walking Down The Hall Towards The Door When A Man Classroom]
Man: Excuse me, professor Gellar, could I talk to you for a moment [Sees Rachel] Oh, hi
Ross: Certainly Professor Fontaine
Rachel: Aren't you going to introduce us Ross?
Ross: Oh, of course, Rachel this is Professor Fontaine, Professor Fontaine this is Rachel
Prof. Fontaine: A pleasure to meet you Rachel
Rachel: You too
Ross: So what was it you wanted to see me about?
Prof. Fontaine [Staring At Rachel]: Never mind
Ross: But..
Prof. Fontaine [Snappily]: Professor Gellar, Please!
[Ross Steps Back And Looks Put Out]
Prof. Fontaine: Rachel, I know this may seem a little sudden but do you maybe wanna go for a cup of coffee sometime?
Rachel: Sure, here's my number [Gives Him A Piece of Paper From Her Bag]
Prof. Fontaine: Ok, well I'll give you a call then
Rachel: Ok, Professor
Prof. Fontaine: You can call me John
Rachel: Ok...John
Prof. Fontaine: I'll see you soon
[He Walks Away]
Ross: What the hell was that?!
Rachel: What??
Ross: What happened to ''I'm through with dating?''
Rachel: Yeah, that didn't work out
[End Credits]
[Scene: Central Perk, Everyone's Present Watching Phoebe And Joey Perform]
Joey [Singing]: The plates are dirty and the floor is a mess, that's what's wrong with my kitchen
Phoebe & Joey [Singin]: Yes that is what's wrong...with our kitchen!
[Everyone Claps]
Phoebe: Thankyou everyone and if you enjoyed our song please remember that we are 'The Treeloving Chubby Tits!'
[The End]