Part Five: Escapism
//What constitutes reality in this world is a thin, flimsy substance, as if the universe is made of Saran-Wrap and Scotch tape, held together with spit and baling wire. It's easy to escape reality, yet it's amazing what lengths some people will go to in order to do so.
To escape love, all he really had to do was walk away.
Yet he did not. He knelt, and he talked, and he escaped by making a Bet with a child over a question he already knew the answer to.
He simply chose to escape the answer rather than the question.//
Seishirou stared out the window at the trees outside. The leaves were so very green. Almost as green as Subaru's eyes . . .
but not quite.
//He lied for years, searching an escape from his pain in hatred. Every time he said 'I hate you' or 'I wish to kill you' what he really meant was 'I want to be with you.'
Why is it so hard for us to admit the truth?//
Subaru put his pencil down and let his head rest on the desk. He just couldn't concentrate these days. Too often he found his mind wandering to Seishirou -- worse than it ever had before.
//If truth and love do not exist until they are acknowledged, then neither does reality.
For them, there is no reality. There is no truth. There is only the tangled jumble of their own feelings. Hate and love are so close together that they are hard to individually define. One cannot exist without the other.
They define each other.
Such is the way with them.
They are truly lost without each other.
This does not mean that they can be together.
Not until they find their own reality.//
****
"Ne, Sakurazuka," Fuuma said, plopping into his chair, "do you know Kuzuki Kakyou?"
Seishirou frowned. "The name's familiar. He's in the same grade as me. Why do you ask?"
"He's an old friend of my sister's and I'm trying to look him up," Fuuma explained.
"Ah," Seishirou said. "Well, he's pretty quiet. Shy. Keeps to himself. Misses school a lot, too; he's kind of sickly from what I've heard."
Fuuma saw that Kamui's eyes were glazing over. Probably from trying to picture Kakyou with Hokuto.
"I'll try to find him," he said, realizing that Seishirou was still waiting for an answer. "What are you doing after school today?"
"Working on the report." Seishirou rolled his eyes.
"Oh. Have fun."
Subaru and Seishirou had agreed -- with a large amount of trepidation on Subaru's part -- to go work at Seishirou's apartment. The two of them walked there after school. "You live here alone?" Subaru asked, marvelling at the large, spacious apartment.
Seishirou nodded. "I used to live here with my parents, but they died when I was fifteen."
"Oh," Subaru said, then mumbled, "Sorry."
"Don't worry about it. Just another similarity between us, ne?"
Subaru nodded a little. "How come you got to stay here? Hokuto came to stay with me, but . . ."
"Technically, a distant relative is watching over me. He didn't want to have to move here; I didn't want to go into foster care. We agreed that I could take care of myself, and if I needed anything I could call him. We're both much happier this way."
"Oh," Subaru said. "You're not lonely?" The words spilled out before he could stop them, and he blushed.
"Sometimes," Seishirou said. "I don't really have many close friends. You'd be closest, I guess. And Monou-kun and Kamui-kun. "
"But that's awful!" Subaru blurted out. "You only really got to know us a month ago! What did you do before?"
Seishirou shrugged. "Read a lot of books and practiced archery a lot. How do you think I got so good?"
Subaru looked away, uncomfortable.
"Don't worry about it," Seishirou said. "Really. It's nice to have friends . . . I guess I really was lonely."
Subaru risked glancing up at him. This was a mistake, because he found himself captured by Seishirou's warm brown eyes. "Sakurazuka . . . senpai . . ."
Seishirou stared at him, lifting one hand to trace down the side of Subaru's face. Then he smiled. "Se-i-shi-rou. Come on, say it."
Subaru turned vivid red. "S-S-S . . ."
Seishirou leaned a tiny bit closer.
Subaru dodged away. "G-Gomen, Sakurazuka-senpai," he said, concerned to find that his whole body was shaking. "I . . . I'm . . . er . . ."
"Never mind," Seishirou said. "Are you cold? You're shivering."
"No, I'm fine," Subaru whispered.
"Let me get some tea, at least." Seishirou walked past him, into the kitchen. He found, not surprised at all, that he was also shivering slightly. He poured two mugs and brought one to Subaru.
"We should get to work," Subaru said. "I talked on the phone to one of my other relatives yesterday night, so I have some more notes to work with."
The two of them spent a good hour comparing notes and planning the essay. They found, amazingly enough, that it wasn't difficult to work together. Despite the unresolved tension between them, they could talk easily and had a habit of anticipating what the other was going to say.
By that evening, they were well ahead of schedule and sat back to eat dinner, continuing to talk.
It's amazing, Subaru thought. I could talk to him about anything. He understands everything I say.
They found quickly they were alike in a lot of ways. Both were orphans, both enjoyed reading and archery and movies. Sakura was their favorite flower; strawberries their favorite food.
(Author's Note: Yeah, okay, shut up! You know I had to put it in somewhere.)
Nine o'clock rolled around. Then ten. Then eleven. Subaru suddenly looked up at the clock and said, "Shimatta! Hokuto's going to kill me for being this late! I made her promise I wouldn't walk home if it was dark and now she'll have to come get me."
"Just tell her we got sidetracked studying," Seishirou suggested.
Subaru examined the odds that his sister would believe him and twitched. Not good.
"Or you could just stay here tonight."
Subaru turned a brilliant shade of crimson. "Nani?" he squeaked.
Seishirou raised an eyebrow at him. "I have a spare mattress, you know."
"Of course . . ." Subaru said weakly. "But I don't have any things with me . . ."
"You could sleep in one of my shirts," Seishirou suggested. "And we could leave early so you have time to stop by your house and change."
"I . . . I guess then . . ." Subaru was an even brighter shade of red by now. "I'd better call Hokuto . . ."
Seishirou directed him towards the phone.
"Moshi moshi, Sumeragi desu!"
"Neesan? It's me."
"Oi, Subaru-chan, what have the two of you been doing? It's past eleven!"
"I know, we were just studying and talking, that's all . . ."
"Oh, is that what you were doing?" Hokuto sounded amused.
"N-N-Neesan!" Subaru squeaked. "Um . . . can I stay here tonight?"
He yanked the phone away from his ear. Seishirou, clear across the room, could hear Hokuto's gales of laughter. He winced in sympathy.
"Ano . . ." Subaru attempted to put the phone back to his ear, cringed, and pulled away again. "Neesan . . . NO! NOT LIKE THAT!!"
Seishirou stifled his snickers.
"Nee~saaaan!" Subaru looked like he might cry. "No! I -- "
Seishirou watched in interest as Subaru choked.
"I -- "
And turned a rather unattractive shade of red.
"I -- "
And nearly collapsed onto the floor, catching himself against a wall.
"I -- "
Then slid down the wall so he was sitting.
"Neesan, will you just let me FINISH A SENTENCE?!?!"
Shocked silence from the phone. Seishirou blinked.
"Thank you! I'm staying here tonight and Sakurazuka-senpai and I are JUST FRIENDS and I'll thank you to REMEMBER THAT and stop trying to GIVE ME A CORONARY!!"
Seishirou couldn't help it. He burst into laughter, stifling it in his sleeve.
"Arigatou, neesan. Oyasumi." Subaru smiled and hung up the phone. "Wow, I just gave her the shock of her life."
"I've never heard you yell before," Seishirou said, amused.
"I don't very often. Just . . . Hokuto-chan . . . sometimes takes teasing a little far. She teased Kamui and I mercilessly when . . . well, when Kamui started to show That Kind of an interest in me, but Kamui was really hurt by it so I had to yell to get her to stop."
Seishirou looked surprised. "I didn't know Kamui felt like that about you."
"I think he's mostly over it by now," Subaru said, looking uncomfortable. "It just sometimes crops up in odd places." Like his undying attempts to set me up with you.
"You've known each other a long time, haven't you," Seishirou said, reminding himself that he still needed to ask Kamui how he'd known about the dreams.
Subaru nodded. "We've been best friends for as long as I can remember. I felt really bad that I didn't . . . I didn't feel that way about him. I tried, I really did, but it just never went beyond friendship for me. He said it was okay . . . that somehow he'd known it was going to turn out like that."
"Do you wish it could be different?" Seishirou asked softly.
Subaru was quiet for a long moment. Then he said, "Yes and no. I don't . . . I don't wish I could feel that way for him, because that would be changing who I am. But I wish there was someone for him. Someone who would care for him that way."
"Let's set him up with Monou-kun," Seishirou suggested.
Subaru grinned suddenly. "That is exactly my plan."
****
The objects of Subaru and Seishirou's speculation had both slept at Kamui's house after an evening of movies and planning how to get Subaru to stop being so painfully shy.
"It's not going to be easy," Kamui said mournfully. "I mean, Subaru is naturally shy to begin with, and his past-life memory is wreaking havoc with their relationship even though he doesn't really consciously remember."
"What do you think would happen if he remembered?" Fuuma asked.
Kamui made a horrible face. "Mayhem. Complete and utter disaster."
Fuuma sighed. "If those dreams don't stop soon . . ."
"I know!" Kamui said. "I'm just hoping if I can get the two of them together, the dreams will stop. I think that may be their purpose."
"Hm, I suppose," Fuuma said. "Oh, I got some info on Kakyou. I heard he's even more painfully shy than Subaru -- but in an antisocial sort of way, not a cute, blushing sort of way. I think he eats lunch in the library; we could try to find him."
"And say what?" Kamui asked skeptically. "Hi, we were your friends in your past life and we're here to set you up with your past-life girlfriend. Oh, by the way, she's twenty-six."
Fuuma couldn't help but laugh a little. "Okay, so the dialogue needs a little work."
"Try a lot."
"We could just try to make friends with him and introduce him to Hokuto once we get to know him," Fuuma suggested.
"Not a bad idea. But we don't know if we have anything in common with him at all," Kamui pointed out. "Except for the fact that he and Subaru are really shy. And if he's antisocial, which wouldn't surprise me at all, given how he was in his last life, then we'll have even more trouble."
"It's too bad he's not in our class," Fuuma said.
"Well, we can't expect Fate to do everything for us," Kamui replied, amused.
"He might remember stuff, too," Fuuma said. "We can hope."
"Well, I'll go," Kamui said. "If he doesn't remember anything, I'm a little more disarming than you."
"Hey, thanks," Fuuma said with a lopsided smile.
"You know I'm right."
"Yeah, yeah. Are you tired?"
"Yeah. Let's go to bed."
Kamui didn't have a spare mattress, but Fuuma said he was fine on the floor with a few blankets. They talked a little while longer before both drifting off into sleep.
//Energy was so thick in the air that day that just breathing was making Kamui's lungs crackle with tension. Tokyo Tower was so very high off the ground; one slip and that would be it.
"Hello, 'Kamui.'"//
Kamui shivered a little in his sleep, curling into a ball and clutching the blankets to his chest.
//He turned slowly to face his former friend. All day long he had been feeling the presences of his friends flicker from inside him, flicker and die out. Subaru, of course, had been dead for three weeks. Karen and Seiichirou had disappeared from inside him the night before, Yuzuriha early that morning, Sorata in the midafternoon, and Arashi minutes after Sorata.
He was the only one left.
"So I guess this is it," Fuuma -- NOT Fuuma -- said conversationally. "Hope you said all your goodbyes. All your friends are dead already, of course."
Kamui ground his teeth, holding back the tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks and betray him.
"So are you resolved to kill me?" Fuuma asked. "Or do you still want your dear Fuuma back?"//
He had held back the tears then, but now, over sixteen years and his own death later, he could not. They slid from his closed eyes and fell onto his pillow, where so many had fallen before.
//The fight was long and painful for both of them. It seemed like hours that they jumped from railing to support to platform, dodging magical blasts and swords. Kamui had taken the flat of Fuuma's sword right in his stomach. He thought he was doing pretty well, but he knew Fuuma was only playing with him.
"Why don't you take me seriously?" he yelled.
"I will, when you're serious," Fuuma replied.
In the end, it was Fuuma's underestimation of him that killed him.//
Kamui flipped over, tossing his blanket onto the floor. His whole body jerked, nearly spilling him off the bed.
//It was when Fuuma's eyes closed and he went still that it really hit Kamui. He had saved the world.
At the cost of everything he had ever cared for.
He started to scream then, the pain welling out from his heart and spilling from his lips no matter how hard he tried to hold it back. He could feel the magic leaking out of every cell in his body. He could feel the Tower trembling underneath him, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore. He didn't even care if he broke the Kekkai and the world came crashing down around him. He wanted the world to crash around him -- at least then he wouldn't hurt anymore.
He came back to his sense -- or at least what was left of them -- before it did, and slumped over Fuuma, shaking him gently.
"Fuuma . . . Fuuma . . . come back . . ."
Nothing.
"Fuuma, please . . . don't leave me here all alone . . . everyone else has left me . . . please no . . ."
Still nothing.
"Fuuma . . ." Kamui gave up and began to cry into his friend's shirt. He heard a crack above him and looked to see that one of the supports was giving way. He checked quickly on the status of the kekkai. It was holding -- it was just a side support that was falling. Not important to the actual integrity of the structure.
He watched as the pieces of metal and concrete started to fall.
It was only then that he realized what he had been fighting for the entire time.
His last breath was carried to the wind, heard by no one, because there was no one left to care.
"Fuuma . . . ai . . . shiteru . . ."//
Kamui wailed, jerked, and fell off the bed, landing in a heap on top of his friend. Fuuma woke up immediately, somewhat startled to find his friend lying on top of him.
"A-Ano," he stammered a little.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Kamui blurted out, starting to cry. "I didn't want to kill you. I didn't want to, I had to, I'm so sorry . . ."
Fuuma's eyes widened a little, then his face softened. He sat up in bed, cradling his friend in his arms. "It's okay," he said. "It's all over now."
"It's not, because every time I look at you, that's what I see." Kamui's tears slowed, but he stayed huddled in Fuuma's arms. "I never wanted to hurt you. All I ever wanted was to get you back. That was what I wanted. I missed you so much. I couldn't stand the thought of you being hurt because of anything I did."
"Shh," Fuuma said, smoothing Kamui's hair. "It's okay, really. I know you were just trying to help me. Don't worry, Kamui. At least we got to come back."
"I didn't want to," Kamui said quietly, resting his head on Fuuma's shoulder, letting Fuuma run fingers through his hair. "I wanted to die. I wanted it all to end."
"Don't say that," Fuuma said. "Please don't."
"I did. I almost destroyed the kekkai by accident after you died. It hurt so much that I couldn't control the magic anymore. Part of the tower started to fall. I didn't even try to get out of the way. I just wanted to die. So I let it fall on me. I let myself die. And then I heard Kakyou's voice . . . I wanted to scream. I didn't want to come back. I wanted him to leave me alone. But he told me that you'd be back too. So I . . . I did come back. For you. And for Subaru, I guess, because I missed him."
Fuuma hugged him tightly for a minute. "I'm amazed you wanted to see me again."
"I did. I wanted to see you. Because I wanted to get you back, and I didn't manage it. I missed you so much."
"I'm sorry for everything," Fuuma said softly.
"I know. I am too." Kamui thought back to his realization, those last words that he had finally remembered saying.
"There was something else . . . wasn't there." Fuuma seemed to read his thoughts.
"Yeah," Kamui said. "But I don't . . . I don't really feel like talking about that yet. Guess I need to think it over some more."
"Don't worry about it." Fuuma let him go, and Kamui had to admit he was disappointed to be out of the shelter of his friend's -- or was it more than friend's? -- arms. "You should try to get more sleep."
"I know, I just . . ." Kamui shivered a little. The thought of more nightmares was enough to make him stay up all night, and he realized how Subaru had felt. "Uhm . . . I guess . . ." He could feel himself starting to blush. "Is it okay if . . ."
Fuuma just smiled at him. "Do I make the dreams go away, Kamui?"
Kamui blushed even more, then nodded a little.
"I'm glad." Fuuma hoisted himself to sit up on the bed, then flopped down and held his arms out to Kamui.
Kamui gave him a tiny smile and crawled into them, nestling up to the warmth and comfort his friend provided.
"I'm glad you can trust me again," Fuuma said quietly.
Kamui closed his eyes. "I never stopped trusting you, Fuuma."
He felt Fuuma's arms tighten around him, and the rush of Fuuma's softly exhaled breath on his cheek. Then something fell onto his neck. Tears.
"Don't cry," he whispered. "We're together now. It's okay."
"I'm not crying because I'm sad," Fuuma replied.
"Oh," Kamui said.
"I'm okay. Let's get some sleep."
Kamui nodded, then said quietly, "All that time . . . it was all for you."
Fuuma didn't reply. Minutes later, they were both asleep, holding onto each other tightly for safety.
****
Subaru sat up and looked around blearily the next morning. Seishirou's alarm was beeping away merrily on the side table. As Subaru watched, an arm emerged from Seishirou's bed, flailed about for a minute, then gave up. The alarm continued to beep. Subaru smiled, got up, and shut the alarm off. "Ne, Sakurazuka-senpai . . ."
Seishirou had pulled entirely under the blankets, like a turtle hiding within its shell. "It's too early," he moaned.
"It's time for school. We had to get up early so I could go home and change, remember?"
"Oh yeah . . ." Seishirou sat up in bed, pushing his hair out of his face with one hand. Subaru blushed a little as Seishirou got up, trying to ignore the fact that Seishirou slept shirtless. "Guess I should cook us some breakfast or something . . ."
"You're not big on breakfast, are you?" Subaru asked, yawning and stretching.
Seishirou surreptitiously eyed him. "Nah. What time is it, anyway?"
"Half past sex," Subaru said absently, realized what he had said, and turned a vivid crimson. "Six! Half past six."
Seishirou suppressed a smile. "C'mon, let's get ready."
Subaru went into the bathroom to change into the previous day's clothes while Seishirou changed in his bedroom. Seishirou got downstairs first and made some breakfast. "We'd better leave by seven if we want to reach your house by quarter after," he said.
"Oh, by the way, I don't remember if I mentioned this last night," Subaru said. "But Hokuto said I would be able to see one of my other relatives. And ask a few questions. Only a few, anyway. And she said he said he would teach me a barrier spell that I could do for class and have people throw things at me and watch them bounce off."
Seishirou laughed. "Good. Does this make you an official member of the Clan?"
Subaru shrugged. "I guess. Though it doesn't really mean much."
"Being the Head sounds like fun," Seishirou said. "Run around exorcising demons and ghosts and stuff. How much do you think he gets laid -- er, paid?"
Subaru blinked, blushing a little. "I don't know. I don't really think I can ask."
Seishirou nodded. "That would be kind of crass."
They finished their meal pretty quickly and set off for Subaru's house. He changed into his school uniform quickly.
"Oh, by the way," Hokuto said, "Kamui-chan called and said to not wait for him; he stayed over at Fuuma's and they're going straight from there."
"He stayed over at Monou-san's?" Subaru asked, surprised.
"That's what he said."
"Yes!" Subaru grinned. "Ammunition!" He grabbed his schoolbag. "Gotta go, neesan, see you later!"
****
"So," Subaru said with an evil grin, upon seeing Kamui waiting for him outside the school. Seishirou had gone a different way, so he could talk to another teacher before class. "I heard you stayed over at Monou-san's."
"Well, I heard you stayed over at Sakurazuka-senpai's," Kamui retorted.
They looked at each other.
"Should we not even bother blackmailing each other with this?" Subaru finally asked.
"Let's not bother," Kamui agreed. "Did you have fun?"
"Yeah," Subaru said. "But get that grin off your face. We just talked and studied, that's all. What did you and Monou-san do?"
"Watched movies and plotted your fate," Kamui said casually, thinking, Had a midnight heart to heart about our past lives and shared a bed. "It was fun."
"I'm sure it was," Subaru said.
"So have you told him anything?" Kamui asked.
Subaru shrugged. "I don't really want to."
"Why not?" Kamui asked imperiously.
"Because . . . I know he's nice to me and all, but I don't think he feels the same way about me."
Kamui declined to mention the fact that Seishirou could barely keep his eyes off Subaru for ten consecutive seconds. "Well, you only have two options. Either you tell him or you don't. If you tell him, he'll either say he returns your feelings and you'll get together and it'll be good. Or he won't, and he'll apologize and you'll probably still be friends and maybe you can finally get on with your life. Not that I think this is likely, because I think he does return the feelings. Or, if you never tell him, you'll drive us all crazy."
"But if he returns my feelings, why doesn't he say anything?" Subaru challenged.
Kamui was stuck there. He could try to explain, but he had a feeling that Seishirou's silence was very deep-rooted in his past life memories. Being afraid of hurting Subaru again, of ruining his new chance, of being rejected, of being unworthy, of the past repeating itself. He couldn't say any of that to Subaru, though. "Probably because he's afraid he'll scare you off if he's too forward," he said. It wasn't a lie -- on the surface, this was probably exactly what Seishirou was thinking anyway.
Subaru bit his lip, looking pensive. "I guess . . ."
"Trust me, Subaru. It'll be okay."
"Well, I'll try."
"There's a big archery tournament next weekend," Kamui said with a grin.
Subaru blushed.
"C'mon, we can all go together. It'll be fun."
"A double date?" Subaru teased.
Kamui turned red. "No . . ."
Subaru went serious suddenly. "Ne, Kamui . . ."
Kamui blinked. "Nani?"
"You don't . . . have any hard feelings, right?" Subaru asked.
"What do you mean?" Kamui asked, though he knew what Subaru meant.
"Well . . . I want you to be happy with Monou-san, Kamui," Subaru blurted, and looked at the ground. "Because you've been so nice and so good about helping me with Sakurazuka-senpai, and . . . because I want you to be happy. Because I care about you."
Kamui smiled at him. "I care about you too. That's why I want you to be happy with Sakurazuka-senpai."
Subaru laughed. "I guess we just weren't made for each other, were we."
Kamui gave him another smile, this one rather painful. "Guess not."
They looked at each other for a long second.
"I'm sorry," Subaru said softly.
"It's okay," Kamui said. "I think I know why it happened this way. There are just certain people we're supposed to be with."
"Are you supposed to be with Monou-san?" Subaru asked.
Kamui nodded.
"How do you know?"
"Because . . ." Kamui said softly, "he makes the dreams go away. That was how I knew Sakurazuka-senpai was right for you."
Subaru frowned. "I don't understand."
"It's okay," Kamui said. "It doesn't matter."
Subaru looked at him curiously. "You know a lot more about this than I do, don't you."
Kamui nodded.
"When did you get so smart?" he teased.
"While you were busy drooling over Sakurazuka-senpai," Kamui teased right back. "Now come on -- we're going to be late."
****
Hokuto picked Subaru up from school so he could go visit his relative; Fuuma had to hurry home to do his chores. Kamui was surprised when Seishirou asked to walk with him for a while, but readily accepted.
"I wanted to ask you something," Seishirou said.
"Nani?" Kamui had to admit he was a bit nervous.
"When I stayed over at Subaru-kun's the other night . . . you said something that made me very curious."
Kamui looked at him questioningly.
"You said I would make his dreams go away."
Kamui laughed nervously. "Well, sure, but that was just because of what Subaru said. He said the more he was around you, the less dreams he had. I was just going on what he told me . . ." Kamui's voice trailed into silence as he saw the skeptical look on Seishirou's face. "You don't believe me, do you."
"Not for a second," Seishirou told him.
"Damn," Kamui said, without much enthusiasm.
"Though I would believe Subaru said something like that. I just think you know more than you're telling me."
"Yeah, well," Kamui said, and resisted the urge to add, That's because I'm the Kamui, and you're not.
Seishirou gave him a long look. "I'm just worried," he finally said.
"I don't think you have anything to worry about," Kamui said with a small smile. "I think you and Subaru are going to be fine."
Seishirou eyed him suspiciously. "You're not going to tell me anything, are you."
Kamui shrugged. "I said, don't worry about it. It's all in the past now. And it's really . . . it's not something to worry about."
"Does this have something to do with what happened between the two of you?" Seishirou asked suddenly.
Kamui choked and stopped dead in his tracks. "What?"
Seishirou at least had the good grace to look embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. You just said it was all in the past, and I thought . . ."
"How do you know about that?" Kamui asked, wide-eyed and turning to face him. Please not past-life memories, please not past-life memories . . .
"Subaru-kun told me."
"Oh." Kamui deflated, then realized that this was nothing he should be pleased by. "Wait, he told you?"
Seishirou actually flinched. "We were talking about Hokuto-san and her teasing him, and it just came up . . ."
"I can't believe he just told you," Kamui said, turning away. "I didn't want anyone to know about that."
"He's just worried about you -- "
"Then he shouldn't go spreading my business around!" Kamui half-shouted, his hands starting to tremble. "Least of all with you. He always cared more about you than he did about me. I loved him more than you ever did!"
Silence.
Kamui slowly lifted one hand to his mouth, hardly believing what he'd just said.
". . . always?" Seishirou asked softly.
Kamui backed away a step. "I . . . I didn't mean . . ."
"Yes, you did." Seishirou looked at him. "You meant every word of that."
Kamui said nothing.
"Kamui, I'm sorry," Seishirou said. "I don't know what I did to deserve Subaru's affection. By all rights, you have claim to it; you've known him far longer than I have."
Kamui looked away, knowing the statement to be false but unable to deny it.
"But I can't change the way things are."
"No," Kamui whispered. "And I wouldn't want you to. Because then it wouldn't be Subaru anymore."
Seishirou wisely said nothing.
"Just take good care of him." Kamui drooped wearily. "That's all I ever really wanted for him anyway."
"I will," Seishirou said. "And I'm sorry."
"For what?" Kamui asked.
"For taking his heart away from you."
Kamui laughed softly, bitterly. "It was never mine."
And he turned and walked away.
****
//when kamui dreams, he hates seishirou, hates him with every fiber in his being for what he did to subaru. but it's more than that, he hates him for standing between them. hates him for being subaru's beloved, and hates him even more for throwing the love back in subaru's face like it was meaningless.
kamui understands.
it meant everything.
but it could never be realized.//
****
Feedback? O-ne-gai? ::pleading look::
