Author's Notes: Warning: PLEASE READ.
This part is lemony, and while normally I wouldn't be concerned with offending people, the lemon is kind of disturbing. Um... don't ask, really. Just read, but know going in that this is kinda scary. In my opinion anyway. And Karasu's, too.
Also, most of this part is a flashback. Don't be fooled.
Part Eight: Obsession
//Obsession: "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling."
Though often the dictionary cannot even come close in actually defining such an abstract concept, in this instance it does an exceptionally good job. The key words are 'disturbing' and 'unreasonable.'
It would make sense for them to be 'preoccupied' with each other. Love can cause preoccupation, as can hate, and both emotions are everpresent, woven throughout their relationship.
Where do you draw the line between preoccupation and obsession?
Preoccupation, perhaps, is where the other person inhabits your thoughts at all hours of the day, disrupting work and coherent thought.
Maybe obsession begins at night?
Obsession is when you cannot sleep for thinking of the other person, when they invade your dreams and keep you awake. It is when having them with you is all you can think about, day and night, when they keep your thoughts company constantly.
The definition implies that obsession only occurs if the feelings would not otherwise be present. This is not true with them; though their love is twisted, it does exist. Does the obsession then make sense? Does it become less of an obession?
When Subaru dreams, there is always someone with him, a constant hovering shadow of pain and love and hatred. Sometimes that someone is pressed up against him, the space between them nonexistent and on fire. Sometimes he is simply standing underneath a sakura tree with a cold smile. Sometimes he lies bleeding at Subaru's feet.
But he is always there.
Likewise when Seishirou dreams, he is never alone. He also has a shadow. His is of regret and love and sorrow. Sometimes that person is pinned between him and a mattress, sometimes he sits crying over his sister, sometimes he stands in shock, staring down at Seishirou's own bleeding body.
But he is always there.
Obsession means that you are never truly alone.
And when you are separated from your obsession, it will slowly tear you apart.//
****
"Um . . ." Subaru looked up at Seishirou. The movie had been excruciatingly long, and Seishirou hadn't helped matters by oh-so-casually putting his arm around Subaru's shoulders, or just happening to rest his hand on Subaru's knee, or leaning over to say something to him and 'accidentally' nibbling on his ear instead. Subaru had thought he would go crazy by the time the movie was over.
And now, worse yet, they had to separate. Neither of them really entertained the idea of any further fun; they had school the next morning, homework to do, and it was getting late. Subaru could barely even tear his eyes away from his friend for more than ten consecutive seconds; the idea of spending a good twelve hours without him seemed like agony.
"You could stay," he blurted out suddenly, then felt a blush rise to his face.
Seishirou reached out and ran his fingers down Subaru's cheek. "You know I really can't."
"I don't want you to go away," Subaru said softly.
"I don't want to go," Seishirou said, then added reluctantly, "but we'll see each other tomorrow morning."
"I don't care," Subaru said firmly. "It's too long."
Seishirou leaned forward and kissed him gently. "We'll live," he said.
Subaru leaned into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Seishirou's waist. Seishirou reached up and ran his fingers through Subaru's hair.
"See you tomorrow," he finally said, pulling away.
"You okay getting home?" Subaru asked, trying not to sound as disappointed as he felt.
"I'll be fine," Seishirou said, and very reluctantly turned and walked away.
Subaru watched him until he turned the corner and vanished from sight. Then he turned and went inside. Hokuto was sitting in the kitchen, obviously trying to look nonchalant.
"Neesan . . ."
Hokuto raised an eyebrow at her younger brother. "I thought I told you two to behave yourselves."
"You did," Subaru said. "And we did too." He glared at her defiantly. "Or do you think there's something wrong with what Seishirou-san and I were doing?"
Hokuto just grinned.
"And stop laughing at me," Subaru said plaintively.
"I never laugh at you, Subaru-chan."
"And you never flirt with my friends, either. I'm going to go do my homework."
****
Despite his frustration, Subaru spent a quiet evening doing his homework and went to bed early, but he was bothered the entire night by dreams.
****
//It had been a long day. An incredibly long day. A bad day. Not as bad as the one that had preceeded it, not by any means -- that had been sheer horror. Fuuma's transformation and Kotori's death, Kamui's subsequent retreat far Within himself . . .
That only equaled one day in Subaru's memory, and it was not one he called to mind very often.
Getting Kamui to come out had been a long and grueling process, and Subaru had gone home and slept for twelve straight hours afterwards. But in the morning, he'd found himself drawn back to Kamui like a moth to a flame. And it was probably a good thing, because Kamui needed him desperately, needed someone who would understand, someone who wouldn't condemn him for what he wanted.
They had talked the entire day, after the funeral, which had been an exhausting enough affair as it was. Subaru half-regretted it, but he was in too deep to back out now. He hadn't wanted to get involved . . .
But there it was.
After the funeral and the long talks with Kamui, after meeting each of his fellow Seals in person, after a conversation with his grandmother in which she told him exactly what her expectations of him were --
Subaru went home.
He tensed the second he walked in.
There was someone else there.
At first it was a simple observation -- there was a pair of shoes neatly lined up inside, and the lights were already on. But a quick stretching of his mental senses revealed quite rapidly that it was exactly who he didn't want to see right now.
Their fight at the Nakano Sun Plaza had been their first meeting in years. Subaru had been amazed -- and ashamed -- at how the sight of the older man still made his blood burn. And not just with anger.
Though he was certainly angry now.
He kicked off his shoes and tossed his jacket on the floor, not bothering with slippers, and followed the aura to his bedroom.
Seishirou was calmly sitting in the chair by his desk, reading. He looked up when Subaru came in, but said nothing, leaving the first move up to him.
Subaru had to swallow hard. It was the first time, in nine years, that he had seen Seishirou without the sunglasses. The sight of his blind eye was a painful reminder of how things had once been between them, and it was a reminder that Subaru could have done without. He was still wearing his usual suit, but the jacket and tie had been discarded at some point, leaving him in a button down shirt and dress slacks. He had his usual friendly smile, the smile that made Subaru want to cry because it was so beautiful, yet meant nothing.
"What are you doing here?" he finally managed, trying to keep the anger in his voice and the shock out of it.
"Waiting for you to come home, of course," Seishirou said, as if this was a regular occurrence between the two of them. "You seem to be having a rough time."
Subaru laughed bitterly, feeling the anger return. "Yeah, well, whose fault is that?"
"Fate's, perhaps," Seishirou mused.
"Get the hell out of my apartment, Seishirou-san. I need some sleep."
Seishirou arched an eyebrow at him, but said nothing.
Subaru folded his arms over his chest and glared fiercely. "What, did your ears get damaged too? I told you to leave."
Seishirou stood up, and pushed the desk chair in. Then he walked over to the door . . .
And pulled it shut.
Subaru felt frustration well up in his throat. There was no fear, not really -- Seishirou could have hurt him any number of times in the past nine years and he never had. "What do you want?" he asked.
"I should think," Seishirou said in a low voice, "that it's perfectly obvious."
Subaru felt a shiver run through his entire body as Seishirou began to walk toward him. "Get. The hell. Out."
Seishirou smiled again. "Subaru-kun, I get the feeling you don't like me anymore."
Subaru nearly choked on his anger. "Why now?" he finally asked. "You've left me alone for nearly nine years. You've evaded my attempts to find you quite nicely. Why are you doing this now?"
"Hmm . . ." Seishirou frowned, apparently giving the question honest consideration. "Out of sight is out of mind, perhaps?"
Subaru shivered again.
"You've changed quite a bit from how I remember you, Subaru-kun," Seishirou said with a cheerful smile. "Perhaps I should've let you catch up with me a few of the times you were looking for me. Who knows what would have happened . . ."
Subaru swallowed hard. "I'll tell you one more time. Get out of my apartment."
"Why?" Seishirou asked.
Subaru blinked. "Because. I want you to go. I don't have time for any of your little mind games right now. I had a long day and I'm tired."
"I can fix that."
"Yes. By leaving."
Seishirou took a few more steps forward, closing the distance between himself and Subaru, who backed away until he came up against the bed and couldn't go any further.
"Don't," Subaru said, and his voice cracked.
"You don't really sound sure of yourself, Subaru-kun," Seishirou said softly.
Subaru's eyes narrowed and he reached for one of his ofuda. Seishirou grabbed his wrist before he could get to it, twisting his arm around behind his back. Subaru hissed in pain and struggled against him, but Seishirou's grip was too strong to break free from.
"Now tell me, Subaru-kun," Seishirou said, and his cheerful smile had vanished, leaving only coldness on his face. "What will you do to me if I don't leave?"
Subaru couldn't think of an answer. Any threat he made was ridiculous; Seishirou was stronger than him both magically and physically. What else could he say?
"Are you going to be nice?" Seishirou asked, his voice amused.
Subaru nodded sullenly.
Seishirou let go of his wrist. Subaru shook some feeling back into it, then immediately tried to punch Seishirou in the jaw. Seishirou dodged, grabbed him by the shoulders, and slammed him up against the wall. Subaru gasped for breath, then struggled, but Seishirou had him pinned too well to get free, and his hands were trapped behind him.
Seishirou kissed him.
Subaru had dreamed for years about being kissed by Seishirou, sometimes daydreams and sometimes real dreams, some before he found out who Seishirou was and some after. But it was nothing like he'd expected. Seishirou's lips pressed against his with almost bruising intensity, forcing them open. Subaru struggled even harder, and when that didn't do any good, bit down hard on Seishirou's tongue.
Seishirou let go of him, startled, and took a step backwards. Subaru aimed another punch and actually got it past him this time, connecting solidly with Seishirou's jaw. He realized, startled, the tears were running down his cheeks. "Get the hell out!" he yelled, hitting him again. "Get out of my apartment! Get out of my life!"
Seishirou dodged the next punch and grabbed Subaru by the shirt, pushing him forward so both of them went tumbling down onto the bed, which Seishirou had stripped of its blankets so only the sheets were left. Subaru shrieked in incoherent rage, flailing with all his limbs and trying to escape Seishirou's grip. They rolled over a few times, then Seishirou managed to pin Subaru down with his arms above his head.
"Now what?" Subaru spat.
"What do you want?" Seishirou asked quietly.
Subaru felt another tear roll down his cheek. "I want you to leave," he said. "I want you to go away and never come back. I want to forget about you."
Seishirou leaned close, just barely brushing his lips over Subaru's. "And if you can't have that . . .?"
Subaru shivered, and he felt his body reacting to the gentleness.
Seishirou was apparently encouraged by his silence, letting go of his wrists and leaning down for another kiss.
This was more like how Subaru had imagined; a long, slow kiss that lasted forever and was over far too soon.
He did not kiss back.
Seishirou wasn't fazed by this. He continued to kiss Subaru, coaxing his lips open more gently this time.
Subaru closed his eyes. He felt Seishirou's hands underneath his shirt, wandering all over his skin, and he had to fight to bite back a moan.
He hadn't realized how badly he had really been wanting this.
Seishirou pulled him up a little, long enough to push the black turtleneck over his head and toss it on the ground. "You look good in black, Subaru-kun," he murmured, and kissed him again.
Subaru kissed back. He couldn't help it. His hormones were running wild with his body, and no matter how much his conscience and his morals and his memory screamed at him to stop, to struggle, he couldn't.
He needed this.
His back arched a little, pressing him closer against Seishirou. The older man ran his fingers over every inch of Subaru's skin, his lips never leaving Subaru's. Subaru let out a tiny whimper into Seishirou's mouth. His fingers apparently decided that Seishirou was overdressed, and Subaru was too dazed to argue with them as they rushed down the line of Seishirou's buttons, pushing the shirt back off his shoulders and tugging the T-shirt beneath it off, tossing them both on the floor.
There was a shock of pure electricity when they pressed together again, skin against skin, the contact making both of them gasp for breath. Seishirou deepened the kiss and it became rougher, more urgent. Subaru couldn't keep his hands from moving over Seishirou, wanting to finally know the older man in a way he'd never been able to before. His fingers encountered scars on his chest, and he paused -- but it made sense; no assassin lived without scars.
Seishirou's lips finally left his and traced down his jawline, then down his neck. Subaru tilted his head back, his breathing harsh. Seishirou grinned and moved downward, brushing his lips over one of Subaru's nipples. Subaru cried out, his whole body jerking. His hand clenched down in Seishirou's hair, twisting the strands between his fingers. Seishirou winced a little, but ignored the pain, focusing his attention on what he was doing. Subaru moaned as he felt Seishirou's tongue on his nipple, then cried out again as Seishirou bit down gently. It hurt, but there was pleasure beneath the pain.
And that, after all, was the entirety of their relationship. A gaping wound that hurt to be touched, but festered if it was ignored.
He could feel Seishirou's hands at his waist, undoing the button of the dress pants he'd worn for the funeral, then the zipper, then sliding them off altogether. Seishirou put one hand against him, pressure and electricity through the fabric of Subaru's boxers.
Then his lips were on Subaru's again, still gentle, but more demanding, as his hand slid below the waist of Subaru's underwear.
Subaru's whole body shuddered as Seishirou's fingers brushed over him, and the full realization of what was happening slammed into him with an unforgiving impact. Shame and guilt washed over him, making him cry out in an odd half-pain.
Seishirou was his enemy.
Seishirou had killed his sister.
Seishirou could make him feel what no one on earth could. He could make him feel alive, and wanted.
But that didn't excuse what he'd done.
And it didn't excuse this.
Subaru rolled them over, fumbling around under his pillow for the knife he kept there. He had put it there after his encounter with Seishirou at Nakano Sun, not really knowing why he was doing so but doing it just the same. Now he wondered if a small part of him had anticipated this.
Seishirou didn't really realize anything was wrong at first, then Subaru had him pinned and was holding the knife at his throat.
He said nothing.
Subaru lifted one hand and wiped away the tears on his cheeks. His hands were shaking violently. "I want you to get out," he whispered. "How dare you do this to me? Stop playing with my head! Just get out!"
"Subaru-kun," Seishirou observed with maddening calm, "your hands are shaking."
"Shut up!" Subaru yelled. "Get out!"
"I will," Seishirou said, "when you really want me to."
Subaru felt anger well up inside him, anger that Seishirou could twist his thoughts like this, anger that Seishirou was right, that the older man still knew him that well. He pressed the knife down harder, drawing a drop of blood. Seishirou didn't flinch, just looked up at him, his eyes flat and curiously devoid of thought and emotion.
"Why won't you just leave me alone?" Subaru whispered to those so very empty eyes.
"I can't," Seishirou replied softly, meeting his gaze evenly.
Subaru's grip on the knife loosened. He could sense, somehow, that for the first time, the assassin was being honest with him. It hadn't occurred to him that maybe Seishirou couldn't forget him any more than he could forget Seishirou. Maybe Seishirou wanted this to be over as badly as he did.
While he sat there blinking, Seishirou took the opportunity to get the knife away from the vicinity of his throat. He grabbed Subaru by the wrist and knocked the knife out of his hand and across the room. Then he flipped them over again. Subaru struggled even harder than before, kicking violently. Seishirou, perhaps in a self-defense instinct, grabbed his boxers and gave them a sharp tug. They tangled around Subaru's knees, hindering his ability to move. Subaru swore and tried to hit him, but missed. Then he let out a gasp of pure shock as he felt Seishirou's hand on him.
"Oh God . . . Seishirou-san . . . please don't . . ."
What he was begging for was somewhat beyond him; he didn't know if he wanted Seishirou to stop or not. Perhaps, he realized much later, he was begging him to stop so he didn't have to make the choice between his love and his pride.
Having temporarily confused him, Seishirou took advantage of the opportunity to get the upper hand again. He leaned down and took Subaru's erection into his mouth.
Subaru cried out again, his hands clutching at the sheets beneath him. Seishirou was very gentle now, and Subaru felt his resolve crumbling completely underneath his mouth and the little flashes of red behind his closed eyes. He gave up, thrusting up into Seishirou's mouth, unable to stop himself.
Then, abruptly, Seishirou was gone. Subaru's eyes opened to see the older man standing beside the bed, removing his pants, and he quickly closed his eyes again. For some reason, he didn't want to see, as if that would make it more real.
He knew he should leave.
But he didn't.
He waited.
Then Seishirou was there again, and their bodies pressed up against each other with another shock. Subaru shuddered. Seishirou had done something else while he was up, because his fingers were wet now, covered with something that Subaru didn't want to identify. He had probably brought something, which infuriated Subaru -- Seishirou had been that sure of winning the fight before he'd even come.
He cried out as he felt one of Seishirou's fingers enter him. Pain without pleasure. Somehow it didn't seem fair.
"It gets better," Seishirou murmured, his lips closing on Subaru's earlobe. "I'm sorry it hurts, but it's good in a way . . . I'm glad no one else has dared take my Subaru-kun."
Subaru choked out something that may have been a denial or angry words, but it didn't matter. Seishirou moved slowly until there was pleasure under the pain again, until Subaru was ready.
And stopped.
And lay down beside him.
Subaru's eyes opened again. He felt rather like twitching.
Seishirou raised an eyebrow at him. "Well, I can't do the rest without your permission," he said dryly. "I may have many faults, but I'm not a rapist."
Subaru cleared his throat and tried to say something, but it got stuck somewhere back in his lungs.
Seishirou ran one finger up his chest. "If you want this . . . you have to say so."
It was unfair. Terribly unfair. Worse than that, it was humiliating. Subaru felt tears of anger and frustration building up behind his eyes. He wanted it -- he knew he wanted it -- but he didn't want to admit to wanting it, and he certainly didn't want Seishirou to know he wanted it.
He again tried to speak, and it again didn't work.
"So tell me, Subaru-kun . . ." Seishirou moved his hand over Subaru's hip, and the younger man shivered. He apparently had no problems influencing Subaru's decision. "What do you want?"
Subaru closed his eyes tightly. His mouth moved for a second, but no sound came out.
Seishirou brushed his lips over Subaru's throat. "Did you say something, Subaru-kun? I didn't hear you."
". . . want you . . ." Subaru managed to whisper.
"Louder, Subaru-kun." Seishirou was practically purring. Subaru could hear how much he was enjoying himself, enjoying Subaru's humiliation and pain.
He felt sick.
"I can't . . ." he gasped out.
"Yes you can," Seishirou said smoothly. "Just three little words, Subaru-kun . . . three words and you can have whatever you want . . ."
Subaru wanted to resist. Wanted it more than he'd ever wanted anything . . .
But not as much as he wanted this.
"I want you," he blurted out. "Please. I need you."
"That's what I needed to hear," Seishirou murmured.
Then, without any warning whatsoever, he was back where he'd been before stopping, and he thrust into Subaru before the younger man could prepare himself at all.
Subaru screamed.
But there was more pleasure than pain.
After a second, the sheer feeling overwhelmed all his thoughts, and he gave himself to it willingly, wanting to forget what was actually happening, wanting to only feel.
It was over fairly quickly.
He screamed again as he came, feeling Seishirou do the same mere seconds later.
His world shattered, and he shattered with it.
And then he blacked out.
When he awoke, he estimated it was about ten minutes later. His whole body was aching; Seishirou had hardly been gentle. He could see blood on his sheets.
Where was Seishirou?
He hadn't gone; his clothes were still scattered on the floor. Subaru listened for a second, then heard water running. He'd gone to take a shower, thoughtfully leaving a pack of cigarettes, lighter, and an ashtray on the sidetable. There were already two stubbed out.
Subaru tried to light one, but couldn't make his hands stop trembling long enough. He tried to ignore all the shame and guilt and self-loathing, tried to think only of how, well, he loved Seishirou-san, and love was what really mattered, right?
Subaru stared to cry.
Once he started, he really couldn't stop. He dropped the pack of cigarettes on the bed and curled into a ball, letting his hysterics out where Seishirou wouldn't see them, muffling his sobs in his pillow so the older man wouldn't hear.
When he finally stopped crying, he felt drained. He lay quietly, listening to the sounds in the bathroom. The water was now off. Seishirou came out a second later. "You should shower," he said casually.
Subaru got up wordlessly and headed into the bathroom, turning on the water as hot as he could stand, grabbing the soap and scrubbing himself down, trying to scrub the feel of Seishirou off his skin. A few more tears leaked out, and vanished down the drain.
He got out, dried, and wrapped a towel around himself, though it was pointless now. Seishirou had changed the sheets while he'd been showering, and was now getting dressed. Subaru sat on the edge of the bed. His hands were still shaking.
Seishirou handed him a lit cigarette.
"Thanks," Subaru mumbled.
Seishirou finished buttoning up his shirt and ran his fingers through his damp hair. Subaru watched him walk towards the door.
Perhaps the worst thing about it was that he already wanted it again.
"Will you come again?" he heard himself ask. He didn't know what he wanted the answer to be, but he knew that he wanted an answer.
Seishirou paused, then turned, smiling that empty smile of his. "It depends, Subaru-kun. Do you want me to?"
Subaru closed his eyes, not wanting to make the choice, though he already knew what his answer would be. Finally, he asked another question, answering the first without having to say it. "Next time . . . will you stay afterwards?"
Seishirou chuckled a little. "We'll see, Subaru-kun. Maybe I will."
And he was gone.
Subaru got under the blankets, stubbed out his cigarette, and cried himself to sleep.//
****
Seventeen years after that encounter, Sumeragi Subaru woke up with a gasp.
His first reaction was to fumble for his alarm clock; usually when he woke up abruptly it was because he'd overslept. But the glowing red numbers indicated that no, he was fine, it was six o'clock on the nose. Even Hokuto wouldn't be up yet.
What was I dreaming about?
Well, the content of his dreams was fairly obvious. Subaru turned rather red and was grateful that he had woken up before Hokuto -- he had time for a cold shower and to change his sheets, without her teasing the living daylights out of him because her little brother was finally growing up. It was hardly the first time he'd woken up this way (though the number of times had increased rather dramatically after he'd met Seishirou), but it was still never a good idea to give Hokuto any fuel.
He got out of bed and changed the sheets hurriedly, then rushed into the bathroom so he could grab it before Hokuto woke up. He let the water run over him, cold at first, until he'd regained control over his own body. Then he changed it to warm water and reached for the soap.
What was that dream about?
He could feel, vaguely, that it was important, but he didn't know why.
"Subaru-chan, hurry up!" Hokuto banged on the door. "You've been in there ages and I need to get ready!"
"Okay, neesan!" Subaru called back.
He shut off the water.
Well, he thought, I can figure it out later.
****
//when subaru dreams, everything is vivid and immediate, as if it is happening right then and there. the emotions are just as strong as they were when he was there.
when he wakes up, he remembers nothing.
but perhaps it's better that way.//
****
