Here's the next part, in which I torment Subaru, Kakyou and Hokuto are cute, UST abounds, and I attempt to do the impossble... explain Seishirou. By the way, from now on there are a lot more flashbacks, so pay attention ^_~
Part Nine: Shame
//The most devastating emotions are perhaps the ones that hit closest to home, or perhaps they are simply the ones that can cause the most long-lasting damage to the soul. Hatred, for example, can burn into you and remain there long after your reason for hatred is gone, as can despair.
One of the most deadly emotions in the entire human span is shame.
It comes in many guises. Guilt, doubt, self-hatred, regret.
It happens when one cannot forgive themselves.
Whatever sin they have committed is, in their eyes, inexcusable.
Such is the way with him.//
Subaru stared at the blackboard, his pencil loose in his limp fingers, his eyes blank as he retreated deep into thought.
//He never knew when to expect his love; he didn't know how or when to prepare himself. Seishirou would be gone weeks or would show up three nights in a row. He never knew.
He always cried afterwards. He lived in constant fear that someone would find out, and his new friends would be disgusted with him and abandon him. He knew that no one would understand. He didn't understand himself.//
The pencil fell. Subaru blushed, muttered an apology, and bent down to pick it up.
//Sometimes he stayed for a while afterwards, always long enough to shower and occasionally long enough to hold Subaru as he fell asleep.
But no matter how much Subaru cried or begged, his love was always gone in the morning, leaving him to wake up alone with his shame.//
***
Somehow, life proceeded as usual. They went to class, ate lunch, dragged Kakyou out to be social when they could. Seishirou and Subaru held hands in the hall and ignored the stares. After the first few days of catcalls, rumors, and insults, Seishirou quietly let it be known that if he heard one more word, everyone was going to find out why exactly he was captain of the archery team.
After that, the comments stopped.
Subaru was happy, happier than he'd ever been in his whole life. Apart from the unresolved sexual tension. That was driving him crazy. But if it wasn't one thing, it was another. Seishirou was always too tired after archery practice to want to do anything. Other days Subaru was visiting his grandmother. The one day that archery practice was unexpectedly cancelled, Subaru had already made plans with Kamui and he just knew that the lavender-eyed boy would kill him if he bailed.
Two weeks passed like this.
Kamui tried not to be melancholy, and almost succeeded. Fuuma did his best to keep his friend distracted by taking him places and plotting with him to help get Kakyou and Hokuto together. Sorata and Arashi, they decided, were fine . . . they only needed to give Sorata time to win Arashi's heart.
Not a day passed that Kamui didn't think back to Sorata's advice.
"Ne, Kamui . . ." Fuuma said hesitantly, "do you want to come over after school? Kotori wants to meet you. She says I talk about you all the time."
Kamui blushed. "Really?"
"According to her. You know how sisters exaggerate."
Kamui thought of Hokuto, and laughed. "It's lucky that she doesn't remember anything," he said, his smile fading.
Fuuma nodded, looking down. "Aa . . ."
"You know," Kamui said suddenly. "If she did remember, I'm sure she would forgive you." He reached out spontaneously and took Fuuma's hand. "I did, after all."
Fuuma smiled a little. "Thanks."
Kamui blushed, letting go of his hand. "Anyway. Um. Yeah. I'd love to come over."
A spontaneous grin came to Fuuma's face. "Great."
***
Amazingly enough, Kamui passed Kotori's inspection with flying colors, and the three of them sat down to dinner with Fuuma's parents. They treated him just like he was any friend of Fuuma's, but Kotori obviously knew better; she kept giving the two of them sidelong looks. To her credit, she asked no questions.
"Ne . . ." Kamui said, once the two of them had escaped up to Fuuma's room. Fuuma was flopped onto his bed; Kamui had curled up in an armchair. "I've got a question for you."
"Shoot," Fuuma said.
"Well, you know how when you were being . . . the Dark Kamui . . . you could see people's Wishes?"
Fuuma nodded, his eyes clouding over for a minute.
"Could you see mine?" Kamui asked curiously. "Do you remember any of them?"
"I remember," Fuuma said softly. "A lot of that time is hazy, but I do remember that. Because . . . knowing that you wanted me back so badly . . . is what kept me from leaving. He . . . that other me . . . tried to get rid of me, but I wouldn't go. Because I wanted to get back to you."
Kamui nodded thoughtfully. "I figured something like that had happened."
"Why do you ask?" Fuuma sat up, looking curious.
"Because . . ." Kamui took a deep breath. "I want to know what Seishirou's was."
Fuuma paused. "Why?"
"I'm afraid he'll hurt Subaru." Kamui pushed his hand through his hair, shoving it out of his eyes. "I'm sick of letting him hurt Subaru."
"He won't hurt Subaru this time," Fuuma said firmly.
"How do you know?"
"He's not like he was. He's a regular guy now. And he really cares for Subaru this time, I can tell."
Kamui paused. "You can tell?"
"Aa . . ." Fuuma looked embarrassed. "It's the only bit of my powers that stuck around. I'm glad for that; I didn't want the rest of them. Anyway, they'll really be happy together this time. It doesn't matter what happened last time."
"I want to know anyway," Kamui said stubbornly.
Fuuma sighed, frustrated. "Why? They'll be okay this time, I swear."
Kamui looked away.
"Oh," Fuuma said softly.
"I'm sorry, Fuuma," Kamui said, sounding like he was on the edge of tears. He stood up slowly and sat on the bed beside Fuuma. "I just want to know how things were between them last time. If I never had a chance . . . I want to know that."
Fuuma hesitated. He wanted to tell Kamui that he didn't really want to know, but he knew that Kamui wouldn't accept that. "Seishirou's Wish . . ." he said, and then stopped. Seishirou's mind and emotions had been so tangled and confused that even Fuuma had found it difficult to see them. He understood in the end, yes, but how to explain it?
He settled for the truth. "It's complicated, Kamui," he said. "There are a lot of levels to it. He wanted to own Subaru completely. He wanted Subaru to . . . to not hate him. No, it's not that. He didn't mind that Subaru hated him, but he didn't understand why. That's not it either!" Fuuma made a face. "You see why this is so hard?"
Kamui nodded silently.
"He knew why Subaru hated him, but he didn't understand why Subaru didn't just hate him. He didn't know why Subaru couldn't forget him, or why he couldn't forget Subaru."
"Did he love Subaru then?" Kamui's voice cracked.
Fuuma paused. "In his own way, yes. But that's complicated too. I mean, what defines love anyway?" He shook his head. "He did love Subaru, but it wasn't quite love, it was an obsession. He was obsessed with . . . with how beautiful Subaru was, and how determined, and how his innocence had been destroyed. He wanted to see . . ." Fuuma paused, unsure of if he should continue.
"Please." Kamui took his hand. "I want to know."
Fuuma swallowed hard. "He wanted to see how much Subaru could take before he broke," he finally said.
Kamui looked away again.
"But it was love," Fuuma insisted. "He was fascinated with how he could hurt Subaru over and over again, but he always came back for more. And not because he liked to be hurt. Just because he loved Seishirou that much. And Seishirou wanted to know why someone so pure loved someone like him."
"Why did he want to die?" Kamui asked softly.
"That I don't know," Fuuma said. "I only saw him briefly that day. I knew something had changed -- I'm sure it had something to do with Subaru. But I don't know what happened, and I don't know why he did that."
There was a long silence.
"I'm sorry to ask you for that," Kamui said wearily. "But I had to know."
"Don't worry about it," Fuuma replied.
"I do worry," Kamui said. "I don't like hurting you."
Another silence.
"Can you see my Wish now?" Kamui asked.
"I could, if I wanted to," Fuuma said with a shrug. "But I haven't looked."
Kamui looked away again.
"You have to let him go, Kamui," Fuuma said.
"I know," Kamui said, then whispered, "I wish I could."
Now it was Fuuma who looked away.
"I'm sorry," Kamui said, grabbing his arm. "I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you anymore. It's just I . . ."
"Love Subaru," Fuuma finished for him, when Kamui couldn't say it.
"I'm sorry," Kamui repeated.
"It's not your fault," Fuuma said.
"It is," Kamui said bitterly. "I should be able to forget about him. Why can't I just do that?"
Fuuma shrugged. "I can't forget about you."
"It's different . . ." Kamui said weakly.
"How is it different?"
"Because you and I . . . we . . . we're supposed to be together. You're not supposed to forget about me. Me, I've just got some childish crush on someone who'll never care about me the way I cared about him, and I can't get over it."
"Kamui . . ." Fuuma put his hand under Kamui's chin and made the younger boy face him. "Kamui, you loved him because he understood you, because he cared for you, because you were lonely and he was all you had to cling to. That's perfectly normal."
"I need to let go," Kamui whispered.
"Yeah," Fuuma said. "You do. But give yourself a break, Kamui . . . it's hard for you. And I'll wait. You're the one who's putting so much pressure on yourself."
Kamui looked up at him and finally managed a smile. "Because I don't want to keep you waiting."
Fuuma smiled back. "Yeah, I know. You always were an impatient little brat."
"Hey!" Kamui glared at him. "That was completely uncalled for!"
"Impatient, whiny, spoiled, indecisive, little brat," Fuuma said with a nod and a grin.
"I'll have you know that I saved the world," Kamui said, sticking his chin out stubbornly.
"Yeah? It could've been me." Fuuma winked at him.
"Jerk," Kamui accused.
"Yeah, I know."
They stared at each other for a second, then Kamui burst into laughter, leaning against Fuuma. "I missed you," he said, resting his head on Fuuma's shoulder. "I missed you so much."
Fuuma hugged him tightly. "I know."
****
Kakyou looked at the book in his hands, frustrated beyond belief. He was sure Subaru had left it on purpose -- after all, he'd called after the retreating Sumeragi quite loudly, but got no response. Lunch had been brief, and in the end it was only him and Subaru that had been sitting there chatting. And then Subaru had left without his stupid book. He supposed he could just return it to Subaru the next day, but it was a textbook, and likely one that his friend would need for his homework that night. He didn't have the Sumeragis' phone number, but he remembered where they lived from a brief stop there after school one day.
"'Tousan?" Kakyou wandered into the family room. He had been feeling better than usual these days -- he could just bike over and return it. Subaru only lived a couple miles away.
"What is it?" his father asked, looking up from the newspaper he was reading.
"Subaru-san left one of his books with me. I'm going to take my bike over to his house and return it."
"Okay," his father replied. "Don't be too late."
It occurred to Kakyou halfway there to wonder if anyone would even be there. He didn't know what kind of job Hokuto worked, and Subaru seemed to spend more time at Seishirou's than at home. He sighed. If no one was home, he'd leave it in their front door. Not his problem.
He wondered vaguely when he had started caring, anyway.
He rang the bell and waited for Subaru, and was rather startled to hear a feminine voice call "Haaaaaai!" before the door was flung open. "'Kyou-chan!" Hokuto looked just as surprised as Kakyou felt.
"Uhm . . . uh . . . that is . . ." Kakyou gave up on speaking and extended the book to her. "Subaru-san left this with me at lunch and I came to return it," he said in a rush, then added for good measure, "I thought he'd be here."
"Well, he's off somewhere with Kamui-chan, I think," Hokuto said. "But don't worry about it. Come on in!"
"I really shouldn't," Kakyou protested, blushing fiercely.
"C'mon. I just made some cookies. You need to eat more things that aren't healthy for you. You're all skin and bones." She took him by the arm and pulled him inside, seating him at the table and getting a mug of tea and a plate of cookies in front of him before he was fully aware of what was happening.
"Textbook, huh?" she asked, taking the book from Kakyou's hands. "Funny; not like Subaru to leave his belongings about like that."
"I tried to call after him, but he didn't hear me," Kakyou said.
Hokuto's eyes narrowed a little. "Hm. I think I may need to have a little chat with my brother . . ."
"Why?" Kakyou asked blankly.
"Nothing!" Hokuto proclaimed cheerfully. "You like the cookies?"
"They're very good," Kakyou said with a nod. He hesitated, then took another. "You think your brother did this on purpose, don't you."
"Oh, I'm pretty sure," Hokuto said with a nod, getting herself some tea and sitting down across from him. "Subaru can be a sneaky little devil when he puts his mind to it."
"Why?" Kakyou asked.
"Revenge, I assume," Hokuto said. "I'm always teasing him and doing things like this to him, so he apparently decided it was time to get some payback."
"Oh," Kakyou said faintly.
"Do you want to stay for dinner?" Hokuto asked. "I mean, after biking all this way . . ."
"I'm fine," Kakyou said, blushing.
"I insist!" Hokuto declared. "Come on, I bought enough for three 'cause I figured Subaru would drag Sei-chan over as usual, but then he called and said he was at Kamui-chan's and he'd eat there. You can stay, right?" She gave him her best pleading eyes.
Kakyou melted, mumbling, "Sure, I guess."
"Great! I'll just get you the phone so you can call your parents." With that, she bounced out of the kitchen.
Kakyou sighed. What was he getting into?
****
"Neesan? Neeeesaaaan . . ." Subaru poked his sister in the shoulder.
She jumped. "Oh! Subaru-chan! When did you get in?"
"Just now. What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing. Just thinking. How's Kamui-chan?"
"Fine. What were you thinking about?" Subaru got himself some tea, pulled out a chair, and sat down.
"Nothing in particular," she mumbled.
Subaru raised an eyebrow, then saw his book. A grin started to spread across his features. "Ah, my book . . . I was wondering what had happened to this. How'd you get it?"
"Um . . . 'Kyouchanbroughtitover," Hokuto muttered.
"What?"
"Your friend. Kakyou. Brought. The book. Over."
Subaru glanced at the dishes. "And stayed for dinner?"
Hokuto turned red. "Maybe."
"And how are you two getting along?" Subaru asked with an innocent smile.
"Subaru-chaaaan . . . did it maybe occur to you that attempting to set your twenty-six year old sister up with one of your seventeen year old friends was not a good idea?"
"It did occur to me, yes," Subaru said. "Then I remembered that you have the mental age of a seventeen year old and decided not to worry about it."
"Mean, Subaru-chan."
"Yeah, I know." He paused. "But . . . you're lonely, Neesan. And I haven't seen you show interest in anyone that way. Even before Seishirou-san, I still had Kamui. I don't want you to be alone." He made a face. "It's no fun."
"Subaru, he's too young for me."
"He graduates at the end of the year."
"He's still too young!"
"If you don't care and he doesn't either, what's it really matter?"
"I'm sure he cares."
"I'm not so sure."
Hokuto sighed.
"Look," Subaru said, "I'm going to keep throwing him at you the way you and Kamui kept throwing Seishirou-san at me. So give in gracefully, okay?" He grinned cheerfully. "Now that I've got the book, I'm gonna go do my homework."
He climbed the stairs slowly, finding himself tired. The dreams had kicked up in full force after he'd gotten together with Seishirou-san, something that puzzled him (and alarmed Kamui, not that the Sumeragi knew it). He was hoping for a night without any.
****
//Subaru muttered something profane in frustration, tugging at the fastening of the bandages that wrapped around his head. "Can't quite get it," he said to himself.
"Let me." Seishirou came over and pushed Subaru's hands back to his sides. "Do they come off for good today?" he asked.
Subaru nodded, letting Seishirou unwind the cloth. They talked a little now, more than they had the first few times. He somehow felt closer to Seishirou than he ever had before. That didn't help during the long days without him, under Kamui's watchful eyes. Subaru was sure that any day, Kamui was going to figure out his secret, but thus far he had remained safe.
Seishirou finished with the bandages and dropped them on the table, then turned Subaru's face towards him. Subaru self-consciously shut his eyes.
"Let me see," Seishirou said firmly, and Subaru opened his now mismatching eyes. Seishirou smirked. "You look like me now."
"Yeah, don't remind me," Subaru said irritably.
Seishirou still wouldn't stay the night. Subaru always woke up alone, and he hated it.
But he'd gotten better in other ways. He was never as forceful as he'd been that first time, though frankly, he'd never needed to be. And the one time that he'd come, that Subaru had asked him to go away -- that had been the day after Daisuke died, and Subaru had spent the entire night before awake watching over Kamui --
Seishirou went without question or complaint.
It wasn't love, perhaps, but Subaru knew it was the closest he would ever get from Seishirou, and he tried to be content with it.
But it was so hard.
His vision was flat and planar, and he didn't like it. Damn Fuuma anyway. Seishirou had been angry about that, though Subaru doubted that the older man realized he knew. He had come as soon as Subaru had gotten out of the hospital, and he had been so gentle that night that Subaru hadn't cried afterwards.
Seishirou picked up his hairbrush and moved around behind him, brushing out the tangles that the bandages had caused. Subaru closed his eyes, enjoying the touch and the closeness. Then Seishirou put the hairbrush down and his arms encircled Subaru from behind, picking him up and carrying him to the bed.
Subaru didn't fight anymore. There was really no reason to.
Afterwards, they both lay quietly, Seishirou absently fiddling with Subaru's hair. Subaru turned to look at him. "Stay tonight," he said softly, as he said every time.
Seishirou simply shook his head.
"Why not?" Thus far, still going to their usual script.
"I don't feel like it."
Subaru got up and walked away, saying over his shoulder, "Then don't come here anymore."
Seishirou sat up and lit a cigarette, the blankets pooling in his lap. "You can't stop me."
"No. I can't." Subaru turned to face him. "But I can stop myself."
Seishirou gave him a long, even look. "You're serious about this."
Subaru nodded. "You've ruined my life, Seishirou-san. You've taken away everything I ever had. My sister, my childhood, my innocence, the respect of my entire Clan, my grandmother's love, many of my friends, any chance I could have ever had to love another. The least you can give me in return is eight hours of your precious time and a little peace of mind."
"What difference does it make if I stay?" Seishirou asked, reasonably enough.
Subaru paused. "I don't know. But it does. And you know it does -- because if it didn't make a difference, you wouldn't be putting up a fight."
Seishirou said nothing. They both knew that Subaru was right.
"It matters," Subaru said quietly, "because it makes me feel better about what we're doing. It makes the relationship more than sex. And that's why you're so afraid of it."
"I'm not afraid." Seishirou's voice was flat.
"Then stay."
"Fine." Seishirou stubbed out the cigarette and lay down. "But just this once, and never again."
"Just once," Subaru agreed, and crawled into bed next to him.
Seishirou fell asleep fairly quickly, apparently not bothered by the same conflicts as Subaru. The Sumeragi drifted in and out the entire night. Then he woke up at five in the morning for good, got up and dressed. He left the apartment twenty minutes later, leaving Seishirou to wake up alone in an empty bed that was meant for two.
Nine hours later, Seishirou was dead.//
****
Subaru sat up with a cry.
//blood and despair//
His memory slowly returned and he breathed slowly, rubbing his eyes to clear them.
For a minute . . .
He had dreamed . . .
//a single tear
"subaru-kun . . . i really was in love with you . . ."//
"Subaru-chan? Are you okay?" Hokuto stuck her head in.
"Yeah . . ." Subaru said slowly.
"Another dream?" Hokuto asked.
Subaru nodded, rubbing his eyes again.
She came in and sat down on the edge of his bed. "You wanna talk about it?" she asked hesitantly.
"No, it's just . . ." Subaru closed his eyes, shaking his head. "I thought they would get better but they're not. And they're getting weirder."
"Do you remember what happened?"
"No!" Subaru said, his fists clenching in the sheets in frustration. "I never remember anything . . . just blood . . . the most specific one I've ever had was the one where I thought you had been killed, but even then, all I remembered was that you had been killed." He put both his hands to his face. "I remember . . . there was blood . . . I think I was on that bridge again, and I was crying, and it was so cold . . ."
"Sh," Hokuto said, reaching out to ruffle his hair.
"What time is it?" Subaru asked, looking up.
"It's about half past eleven."
"Thanks, neesan." Subaru got out of bed.
"What are you doing getting up?" she asked. "You have school tomorrow morning."
"Yeah, I just need to make a quick phone call."
Hokuto sighed. "Sei-chan will be in bed, too."
"I know . . . I just . . . I need to hear his voice." Subaru paused, then blurted out, "He died in my dream. I . . . I killed him."
Hokuto's eyes widened.
Subaru looked bewildered, tears starting. "I don't remember! I can see his face now, I couldn't before, but . . . and there's blood, and I can't stop crying . . . I think I killed him . . ."
"Shh, Subaru-chan. It's just a dream."
"What if it's a prophetic dream or something?" Subaru burst out. "What if I'm going to kill him?"
"Subaru, that's silly," Hokuto said firmly. "You don't want to kill him. Why on earth would you kill him?"
"I-I don't know," Subaru said.
"Now, if you're going to call him, you had better do it soon, before it gets any later," Hokuto said with a smile.
Subaru nodded and climbed out of bed. He was shaking a little, and picked up the phone. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself, then punched in Seishirou's number.
It rang a good long time, then a very sleepy voice said, "Sakurazuka desu."
"Did I wake you?" Subaru asked, though he already knew the answer.
"Aa . . . Subaru-kun?"
"Yeah. It's me."
"What's wrong?" Subaru could picture the older boy sitting up in bed, pushing his hair out of his eyes.
"I just . . . I had another dream and . . . I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called so late."
"No, don't worry about it." Seishirou's voice was incredibly gentle. "It's okay. What was your dream about?"
Subaru slumped into an armchair. "It was . . . have you remembered anything else?"
"Not really, no."
"You were in my dream," Subaru said softly. "And I killed you."
Seishirou said nothing.
"I think we were both much older. But it seemed like you were much older than me, and that's not right." Subaru frowned, rubbing his forehead. "I don't know. I don't understand."
"Do you want to understand?" Seishirou asked quietly.
"I think the dreams may not stop until we do," Subaru replied, his voice nearly a whisper. "I want them to stop! Seishirou-san, I . . . I'm scared."
"I am too," Seishirou said. He sounded tired. "But I don't know what to do."
"Me neither." Subaru rubbed his eyes.
"We could ask Kamui," Seishirou suggested.
"I've tried. He never tells me anything."
"What about Monou-kun, then? He and Kamui are awfully close. Kamui may have mentioned something to him."
"We can try, I guess," Subaru said, without much enthusiasm.
"Go to bed, Subaru-kun. You're worn out."
"I don't want to," Subaru said desperately, clinging to the phone for lack of a better option.
Seishirou's voice was soft. "Subaru-kun. You'll see me in less than eight hours. You need to sleep."
"I won't sleep anyway," Subaru said. "I'll just stare at my ceiling after that dream."
Pause.
"Do you want me to come over?" Seishirou asked.
Subaru wanted badly to say yes, but couldn't quite bring himself to. "No, it's okay. It's so late, and I'm okay, really, just . . . just talk to me for a while and I'll be fine."
"Sure, Subaru-kun," Seishirou said. "Anything you want."
****
//in their dreams, there is always that pressing sense of urgency, the sense that something needs to be done immediately and efficiently. waking they only feel as if they are missing something, as if their whole lives are one big puzzle and they have lost the most important piece.
they dream of death, of blood and rain and sakura petals.
they dream of love, of twined sheets and skin pressed together, a kind glance here and the unwrapping of bandages.
they dream of despair, of waking to an empty bed.
they do not dream of hope.
they do not dream of forgiveness.//
****
