This opening monologue proves one thing: Do not write opening monologues after reading Sandman. Especially not opening monologues about Desire.

Warnings: Lime, weirdness, and improper capitalization in the name of poetic license.

Part Ten: Desire

//To desire something is simply to want it, to wish for it, to long for it. In some circumstances it has become rather synonymous with lust, when the two, though definitely interrelated, really don't mean the same thing at all.

They desire each other.

What, exactly, does that mean?

It is, on one level, a sexual thing. They feel lust for each other, they both believe the other to be beautiful. They like to kiss, and hold hands, and feel the other's skin against theirs. They would like to do more, to explore what they believe they have never explored together before.

They want each other, true.

But desire transcends simple wanting, it transcends lust. There is far more to their desires than simple physicality.//

Subaru and Seishirou sat under a tree after school, having stolen a few moments of precious time together. It was public, so they couldn't do much, but they sat very close together, and if they occasionally kissed, no one noticed.

//They want to know each other completely, to understand each other. That, perhaps, was the greatest thing they missed their last time around. Seishirou died at Subaru's hands without either of them understanding why; Subaru took his own life because of that misunderstanding.

They want to understand.

Is there more?//

They remained uninterrupted for a good hour, simply sitting under the tree, holding hands and talking quietly. When Subaru sits in Seishirou's lap, they fit together almost perfectly. Two pieces of a puzzle that missed each other while they were gone.

//There is always more. Desire is a nebulous thing, like all emotions; it is possible to want something so badly you cannot breathe without even knowing what you want.

They want to be together, want it with an intensity that neither of them can fathom. They cannot spend more than an hour without at least hearing the other's voice without longing for it. Nights alone are agony, tortured by dreams caused by separation.

If it's an obsession, can it truly be called desire?//

Subaru leaned his head on Seishirou's shoulder, resting in one perfect moment, both of them completely content.

It wouldn't last, because they both wanted more.

//Obsession transcends desire the way desire transcends lust. It is more complex, yet not more important.

Perhaps they desire to understand the obsession.

Perhaps . . .//

"Can you come over tonight?" Seishirou asked. His voice was low, close to Subaru's ear, sending little ripples of pleasure down Subaru's skin.

"I . . ."

//Perhaps they desire to escape the obsession. To become normal high school sweethearts who hold hands in the halls and don't have to worry about nightmares, about flashbacks to a life they don't remember, about sakura, about rain.

Perhaps . . .//

Seishirou's hands wanted to wander where they shouldn't, but it was far too public a place to risk doing that. He settled for remaining close to Subaru, looking like he was whispering something, his tongue flicking along the edge of Subaru's ear. "Please say yes," he murmured.

//Perhaps they can't last another day.//

"I'll have to ask Hokuto," Subaru said, but his eyes were closed, head tilted back, and they both know that even if Hokuto said no, Subaru would come.

//Desire controls them. Obsession controls them. Fear and pain control them.

Who do they really belong to?//

Seishirou gave up, kissing Subaru desperately, not caring who saw. He needed . . .

He didn't know what he needed.

To have Subaru close to him.

To know him completely.

//Perhaps Seishirou's strongest desire, without his even knowing it, is to be forgiven by Subaru.//

****

As Subaru had suspected, grilling Fuuma did no more good than grilling Kamui. The other boy claimed ignorance on all counts, and hurried away when Seishirou tried to press him for further information.

This being said and done, they talked all afternoon, resolved nothing, and decided to get together in the evening to 'discuss it' some more. They went their separate ways after their little quiet time, to go home and do their homework.

"Ano . . . neesan?" Subaru spoke up after dinner.

"Nani?"

"What . . . what do you think of Seishirou-san?"

Hokuto raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"Just . . . what do you think of him?"

"I think he's the best thing that's ever happened to you," Hokuto said dryly.

"Really?" Subaru asked.

She nodded. "Come on, you're way less shy. And he really likes you. Good all around."

Subaru took a deep breath. "Then can I stay at his house tonight?"

"No," she said calmly.

He glared at her. "Why not?"

"Because you have school tomorrow."

"Give me a break. You've never stopped me for that before. I stay over at Kamui's on school nights all the time."

"Yes, but when you stay over at Kamui-chan's, I know you won't stay up half the night, so you'll make it to school on time."

Subaru made a face. "Neesan . . ."

"Besides, you're too young." She continued to direct her attention towards the dishes she was doing.

Subaru raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"You're only seventeen, Subaru-chan. I like Sei-chan a lot, but you've only known him for a couple months, and I don't think you're ready for this."

Subaru groaned. "Neeee~saaaaan . . ."

She looked at him. "What? Do you think you are?"

"I think I don't know, and I think I'll never find out if you don't let me," he said irritably.

"Subaru-chan . . ."

"Neesan, I know I've only known him for a little while, but it seems like so much longer than that . . . don't ruin this for me. Okay?"

"Subaru-chan . . ."

"I'm going now, neesan." He leaned over and planted a kiss on her cheek. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

****

They compared notes. It took them almost an hour to work through every scrap of dream they remembered. The common themes were evident, but occasionally a small detail came to their aid.

"The mismatched eyes," Subaru mused.

"What?" Seishirou asked.

"In my dreams, for a while now, there's been someone with mismatched eyes. When you told me how you were blind in one, that's how I knew it was you. In the dream."

Seishirou sipped his tea. "But how could you have been dreaming it before you knew about it?"

"Don't know. And one of the eyes looks blind; it's pure white and kind of cloudy. Not like yours, which looks normal."

Seishirou pushed his hair out of his face. "Okay. Let's go over it again. It's a high bridge, over water, and I'm dead, and you're crying."

Subaru hesitated, then nodded.

"And why do you assume that you killed me?"

"I . . . I don't know. Just a feeling, I guess."

Seishirou was silent a long minute, obviously thinking.

"Sumeragi Subaru . . ."

Seishirou looked up. "Nani?"

"I'm just wondering about my namesake."

Seishirou just blinked at him.

"He killed himself the day I was born," Subaru said slowly. "Because he had . . . lost someone important to him."

Seishirou still just looked at him.

"Obaasama said it was raining that day," Subaru whispered.

"Subaru-kun, that's just a coincidence. It has to be." Despite his words, Seishirou didn't sound convinced.

"And he killed himself under a sakura tree," Subaru said sharply. "Slit his wrists."

"Blood, rain, and sakura," Seishirou said quietly.

"It can't be a coincidence," Subaru said. "It just can't be!"

"So are you proposing that you're actually the former Head of the Sumeragi Clan, reincarnated?" Seishirou asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes," Subaru said firmly. "And I'm proposing that you are the person he killed himself for."

"And who was that?" Seishirou asked.

Subaru paused. "I don't know."

Seishirou sighed. "Subaru-kun . . ."

"Obaasama won't tell me," Subaru said sharply. "But look at this, Seishirou-san . . ." He dug a few pictures out of his pocket and extended them to his friend.

Seishirou took it, examining it carefully. The original Sumeragi twins, grinning at the camera. One of just Subaru, holding a puppy. And one of Subaru, blushing furiously, with an older man's arm around his shoulder. "Who is this?" he asked. Dark hair like his, brown eyes like his. Both eyes. And glasses. He didn't wear glasses.

"No one knows," Subaru said softly. "Obaasama said something really vague about a friend of theirs when she gave me the pictures, but according to her, he kind of fell out of the original Subaru's life when he was my age."

"Then -- " Seishirou began.

"There's more to it than that," Subaru interrupted. "He looks like you, Seishirou-san, don't you see?"

"I suppose he sort of does," Seishirou mused, handing the photographs back.

There was a long moment of silence. Subaru put the photos in his pocket and rested his head in his hands. "It's so hard to find things out," he said, "my namesake didn't really have many friends, and most of them are dead by now."

"Why?" Seishirou asked. "He died fairly young, didn't he?"

"Well, yeah, he was twenty-five," Subaru said. "I guess . . . I don't really know why he doesn't have any friends left alive."

"I don't get it," Seishirou finally said. "If whoever your namesake lost was so important to him that he went off and killed himself, why doesn't anybody know who he was?"

"I give up," Subaru groaned. "My brain is tired."

Seishirou smirked. "How about the rest of you? Is that tired too?"

"Yeah," Subaru said. "Let's just go to bed. Maybe we can figure it out in the morning."

Seishirou muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'yeah, that's likely.'

Subaru smiled a little. "Come on. It's late."

"Okay, okay." Seishirou stood up and offered his hand to Subaru. "I don't have to drag out the spare mattress, do I?" he asked with a somewhat mischievous grin as they went up the stairs.

"Nah," Subaru said, blushing. He hesitated, then sat down on Seishirou's bed, blushing even more when Seishirou sat down beside him.

Seishirou reached out and slowly tucked the stray strands of Subaru's hair behind his ears. His fingers gently caressed the Sumeragi's face, down his jawbone, over his lips. Subaru kissed them.

"We don't have to do this," Seishirou said. "If . . . if you're not ready, we can . . ."

//"so tell me, subaru-kun . . . what do you want?"//

Subaru hesitated, caught for a moment in uncertainty. He waited, waiting for Seishirou to do something. Kiss him, perhaps, or say something else, do anything to influence his decision somehow. But Seishirou didn't move; he merely waited for Subaru's reply.

What am I waiting for? Subaru wondered.

//"just three little words and you can have whatever you want . . ."//

It felt all wrong, like deja vu to something that had happened in an entirely different way. And at the same time, was completely right. It just wasn't what he had expected of Seishirou.

What did you expect? Him to force you? Try to talk you into it? He's not like that, you know that.

It was completely wrong, and the wrongness itself was one of the best things that had ever happened to him.

I can trust him.

Subaru smiled.

"I'm ready, Seishirou-san," he said. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Seishirou smiled back. "Well . . . if you change your mind, that's okay. Just let me know."

"Shut up and kiss me, Seishirou-san."

Seishirou was happy to obey, wrapping his arms around Subaru's neck and pushing him back onto the bed. "It's weird . . ." he said. "It feels . . ."

"Wrong."

"I was going to say different."

"Yes," Subaru said, closing his eyes and breathing in Seishirou's scent. "That's it. It's not wrong. It's just different."

Seishirou leaned down and kissed him, laying his body gently down on top of Subaru so the two of them were pressed together.

They stayed like that for a while, just kissing, nothing more. Seishirou ran his hands through Subaru's hair, enjoying the feeling of it between his fingers. It was comfortable and familiar and exciting at the same time.

"Seishirou-san," Subaru murmured as Seishirou's lips left his, moving to caress his neck. "Do you think this is wrong?"

Seishirou hesitated, pulling away a little. "Wrong? Us, you mean?"

"No . . . well, yeah. I mean, not us as a couple. I don't think there's anything wrong with that."

"Good," Seishirou said, his lips brushing over the hollow of Subaru's throat.

"But don't you think . . ." Subaru tried to regain his train of thought. "Don't you think it's wrong . . . that we need each other this much? And this early? I mean, we've known each other so little time . . . and we've only been dating for two weeks . . ."

Seishirou paused. "Probably," he finally said. "But there's so much else that's weird . . . why worry about that?"

Subaru laughed a little. "It's just . . . I've never . . . done this before . . ."

Seishirou smiled. "I know. I haven't either."

Subaru's eyes went wide.

Seishirou grinned. "What? Who did you think I'd been doing this with? I've never even dated before you."

"Oh," Subaru said faintly.

"It's okay . . ." Seishirou leaned down to kiss him again. "Don't be frightened. I'll take good care of you."

"Because . . ." Subaru said, "it's different this time."

"Yeah," Seishirou said, his lips brushing over Subaru's. "It's different."

****

Subaru glanced over at the clock. We have to get up in five hours, he thought blearily. That's going to suck.

Seishirou was sound asleep beside him, one of his arms draped over the Sumeragi's waist. Subaru was beginning to realize that Seishirou honestly could sleep through just about anything. He smiled a little, snuggling closer to his friend. Seishirou sighed contentedly in his sleep.

But Subaru couldn't manage to fall asleep himself. It wasn't what they'd done that bothered him -- that had been great.

But strange, in a way. They were both virgins. (Well, had been a few hours ago, anyway.) Somehow it didn't make sense that they had both known exactly what to do. And it was more than that; Seishirou had seemed to know every sensitive spot on his body, exactly where and how to touch him to get the best response. And, oddly enough, he'd found himself knowing the same things about Seishirou.

The deja vu had been incredible.

We have, he thought. We've lived this all before.

But underneath the deja vu there was something else. An undefinable difference, a sense that last time it had hurt, and this time it didn't.

I should stop questioning, Subaru thought. At least for tonight.

He closed his eyes and slept.

And as always when he slept, he dreamt.

****

//subaru was floating in darkness. it was an odd dream, unlike any of the ones he'd ever had before. he looked down at himself to see black clothes, a white trenchcoat. his vision was curiously flat and planar. he lifted his hand to his eye, remembering.

"hello, subaru-kun."

seishirou, in all his thirty-five year old glory. also with only one eye, wearing his normal suit.

"where . . . is this?" subaru asked.

"where doesn't matter," another voice said. lighter. softer.

subaru turned to see kamui. "what's happening?"

"we can't figure it out either," kamui said, obviously referring to his own opposing star, standing behind him protectively. "we've been waiting for you two."

"you kept us waiting a long time, subaru-kun," seishirou said jokingly.

"i had trouble sleeping," subaru said. "i . . . i remember everything now."

"our souls remember, even if our minds don't," kakyou said, stepping out of the shadows.

"ah, you're the one responsible for this?" kamui assumed.

kakyou nodded. "you guys had some things to work out. i'll leave you to it. when you're done, the dream will let you go." with that, he walked away.

they stared at each other.

"it's not us," kamui said. "we remember everything anyway. even when we're awake."

"oh, so that's how you know all that stuff that you shouldn't," seishirou said.

fuuma nodded. "but i think, kamui, maybe you are involved in this." he looked significantly between subaru and kamui.

they stared at each other again.

"i'm sorry," seishirou said. "i think i may be the reason we're here." he turned to subaru. "i guess i can never say this to you in real life . . . but i am sorry. for everything."

subaru leaned against him, exhausted, confused. "why did we get this second chance?"

"because," fuuma said softly, "we Wished it to be so."

subaru shook his head. "i don't understand."

"it's okay," kamui said. "we're not supposed to anyway."

he walked over to subaru, his footsteps soft as they impacted against nothing.

"was it because of me?" he asked.

subaru blinked at him. "what?"

"did you kill yourself because of what i said?" his voice was a whisper. "because of what happened between us?"

"no!" subaru looked shocked. "no, kamui, that wasn't it at all . . ." he drew the younger boy into his arms, hugging him tightly. "no . . . don't ever think that."

"then why?" tears started to slide down kamui's cheeks. "why did you leave me?"

subaru looked away. "it's complicated, kamui. but . . . it wasn't because of you. it was because of me. because i was just that empty inside. and i guess i hadn't realized it before."

"so you did kill yourself because of what i said," kamui replied flatly.

"no," subaru said, sounding frustrated. "i would have done it sooner or later. all you did was choose the day."

"that's not really much better," kamui said dismally. fuuma put an hand on his shoulder.

"i'm sorry," subaru said. "but it's better to know the truth." he looked at seishirou, letting go of kamui. "what about you? did you kill yourself because of what i did?"

"not exactly," seishirou said. "but i won't lie and say that it didn't figure into it at all."

"what do you mean?" subaru asked. "why did you do that?"

seishirou looked away, his eyes dark.

"please." tears welled out of subaru's eyes and trickled down his cheeks. "please tell me."

seishirou was quiet for a long second. "hokuto said once, jokingly, that she wanted to know if i could ever truly be the man you deserved. and i laughed and said of course i could. but when i woke up that morning . . . i realized how i had been making you feel all those years. i could never be the man you wanted me to be, subaru-kun. i could never be the man you deserved."

"so you killed yourself?" subaru asked, his voice rising. "using me as the weapon? the tool, just like i was some object that was there for your CONVENIENCE?!"

"i . . . i thought it was what you wanted," seishirou said, his voice sounding a little bewildered. "to kill me, to get revenge for your sister."

"seishirou-san, you idiot!" subaru burst into tears, burying his face in the older man's chest. "i never wanted to kill you, didn't you know that? i just wanted . . . i either wanted you to kill me, to finish what you started . . . or i wanted . . ."

kamui turned away.

"plus you made me the sakurazukamori, but let's not even go into that," subaru said, his voice bitter. "you never cared about me at all. you thought i was just something there for your entertainment."

"subaru, that's not true," seishirou said firmly.

"then why?" subaru pulled away and looked up at him. "why did you do all this to me?"

seishirou was silent for a long minute, then whispered, "because I love you."

"bullshit," subaru said, pushing him backwards. "do you hear me? you're nothing but a liar! why would you do something like that if you loved a person?"

"i wanted to know if you would come back," seishirou said in a rush. "i kept hurting you and you just kept coming back. i wanted to know why. i wanted to know how much you loved me. and that morning i realized i had pushed it too far. i could never give you what you wanted . . . so you would go away."

subaru leaned against him, all his anger running out of him like water. "i'm sorry, seishirou-san . . . that wasn't what i meant. it wasn't what i meant at all. i was trying to make you stay again, by making you realize how i felt."

"we make a great pair, don't we," seishirou murmured, smoothing his hair.

subaru laughed a little.

kamui walked over to seishirou. "do you love him?" he asked, voice deathly soft.

seishirou nodded.

"good," kamui said. "because if you hurt him again, i will kill you."

the dream started to fade, apparently having decided that their business was done.

"no!" subaru said. "i have more things to ask . . ."

later, kakyou's voice said into their minds. you can ask later.

"but . . ."

now forget

forget until you're ready to remember//

****

Subaru blinked over at the alarm clock, watching the numbers tick from six thirty to six thirty-one. It was still beeping. He finally reached out and shut it off. "I had the strangest dream," he mumbled, sitting up, the blankets pooling in his lap. "But I don't remember any of it at all . . ."

"Me too," Seishirou said, then shrugged. "How are you feeling?"

Subaru paused to think about it. A thousand answers popped into his head. He was exhausted. They hadn't gotten to sleep until late, and he felt like he'd been up all night. He felt drained, both emotionally and physically. But he also felt a little more at peace. Content. Complete. And at the same time, there was a hint of sorrow beneath that. "How do you feel?" he countered.

"Me?" Seishirou smiled, leaned over, and kissed the top of his head. "I'm pretty good. Dreams don't bug me anymore. And if I don't remember, why worry?"

Subaru noted that Seishirou looked relieved, like there was a huge weight that had finally been lifted off his chest. Relieved and content.

"So how do you feel?" Seishirou asked.

Subaru smiled slowly.

"Great," he said.

Pause. Then,

"I feel great."

****

//in their dreams, they all remember, but when they wake it is only passing images or sense, the smell of sakura and the feeling of rain against their closed eyes as they stare upwards. there is much left to settle between them, and within them.

one question remains.

will settling matters help?

or will it just make things worse?//

****