For those of you who *have* read Sandman, you should've seen this next monologue coming ^_~
Part Eleven: Despair
//Despair is another one of those insidious emotions, the kind that gets inside you so deeply that you're never quite free of it. Once you've been there, once you've given up all hopes and sunk to rock bottom, you never really forget it, even if things get better and you have a reason to live again.
Sometimes, while he is curled up safely during the night, cradled against his love's chest, that despair returns to him.//
Subaru mumbled something in his sleep, shivering a little and nestling closer to Seishirou.
//It's hard to forget. It works its way underneath your skin and remains there, a wound that can never really be healed. It makes him uneasy, because he will always be waiting for what he has now to turn on him or abandon him.
He can't forget.//
Seishirou wasn't asleep, and he looked at the boy curled next to him in concern, brushing his hair out of his face and whispering reassuring words that went unheard.
//It is a singular kind of despair that drives a person to suicide.
Suicide is not about death.
It's simply a way to escape.
No suicidal person, especially not one who has worked his entire life as a medium and who knows exactly what death is like, is actually trying to die. They are simply trying to escape whatever misery is in their lives.
They are trying to escape despair.//
Subaru quieted in his arms, but Seishirou knew it wouldn't last.
//In the end, you never can.//
****
Kakyou woke up feeling weak and drained. Not this was terribly unusual for him, but it was worse than usual. He had gone to bed at a reasonable hour, and he didn't understand why he would be feeling this exhausted for no reason. It was almost as if he'd been working all night.
"Are you getting up?" his mother asked, sticking her head through his door and giving him a concerned look.
"I don't think so," Kakyou murmured. "I don't feel very well. I think I'll just rest today."
She came over and put a hand on his forehead. "Well, you don't have a fever. Why don't you get some more sleep and maybe you can make it to the second half of the day."
Kakyou nodded. "Arigatou, 'kaasan."
****
"You're quiet this morning, honey," Kamui's mother observed over breakfast. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Kamui said. "I just had a weird dream." He paused, frowning. "I think."
She raised an eyebrow. "You think?"
"I don't remember it," he said distantly. "I just woke up feeling . . ." He searched for a word. Uneasy, perhaps. Depressed. Restless. "You know, I think I'm going to leave early. I'd like to stop by Fuuma's on the way to school."
She smiled at him. "You seem to like him a lot."
He nodded. "Yeah. I do."
****
"You're zoned, 'touto-chan."
"Huh?" Fuuma asked, blinking up at his sister.
She grinned. "Exactly. You're zoned. Didn't sleep well?"
"Funny dreams."
She frowned. "Still? What was this one about?"
"I don't remember it. I just woke up feeling . . ." He paused.
"Sad?" Kotori guessed.
"Not quite it. Sad and thoughtful."
"Melancholy?"
"That's closer. Still not quite it." Fuuma pinched his lower lip thoughtfully. "Hmm . . . I don't know. Regretful. Melancholy. Contemplative. Pick your adjective."
She laughed and ruffled his hair. "Well, if you want to talk to anyone, you know I'll listen."
"Yeah," he said. "I know."
Kotori looked up as the doorbell rang. "I'll get that. You finish getting ready for school."
He nodded and went upstairs to brush his teeth. A few seconds later he heard Kotori calling from downstairs. "'Touto-chaaan! Kamui-chan is here to see you!"
Fuuma nearly choked on his toothbrush. He hastily rinsed his mouth out and went downstairs. "Hi," he said.
"Hey," Kamui said. "I guess . . . I thought I'd stop by on my way to school." He smiled disarmingly. "No reason, really . . . I just wanted to see you."
"Just let me get my lunch and I'll be ready to go," Fuuma said, heading into the kitchen.
Kotori had beaten him to it. She handed him his lunch and said curiously, "You really like Kamui-chan, don't you."
"Yeah," Fuuma said. "I do."
****
"Subaru . . ."
Subaru lifted his head a little, then his eyes closed and it dipped back down again. He'd managed to stay awake during the morning classes, but now that lunch had started, he was definitely falling asleep.
"Subaru . . ."
"What?" Subaru asked sleepily, turned to see Kamui staring at him. "Kamui?"
"Yeesh. What happened to you?" Kamui asked critically.
"Uh . . ." Subaru turned bright red, which was really the only answer he could give.
Kamui blinked at him incredulously. "Really?!"
Subaru mumbled something that may or may not have been, "Yes."
Kamui's eyes went wide with shock, then he grinned. "That's GREAT!" He leaned over his lunch and gave his friend a huge hug. "I'm so happy for you!"
Subaru smiled a little.
Kamui buried his head in Subaru's shoulder, knowing that he was holding on longer than he should, but trying desperately to stop the urge to cry. When he pulled away a few seconds later, his eyes were bright and his smile almost genuine.
"I'm sure you two will be really happy together," he said, then glanced up as Seishirou walked up. "I . . . I have to go . . . if Fuuma asks where I am, tell him I'm in the library." With that, he got up and half-ran towards the building.
"What was that all about?" Seishirou asked, sitting down beside Subaru.
Subaru frowned. "I think Kamui's upset about . . . about us."
Seishirou raised an eyebrow. "You told him?"
"He figured it out."
"Oh." Seishirou looked after Kamui pensively. "Think he's okay?"
"No. But going after him will only make things worse."
Fuuma plopped down on the grass beside them. "Hey, where'd Kamui go?"
"Up to the library," Subaru said, then added hesitantly, "he's a bit upset."
Fuuma raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
"Um," Subaru said, and blushed.
"Oh." Fuuma sighed. "I'll go talk to him. See you guys later."
****
Fuuma looked around in the library, but couldn't find Kamui anywhere. Kakyou was sitting at his usual table, as he still ate there about half the time, and said that he hadn't seen the lavender-eyed boy. Muttering profanities under his breath, Fuuma left the library.
If I was Kamui, and I was upset, where would I go? he wondered. He said he was going to be in the library, and he's not a liar by trade, so he must be nearby here somewhere.
He leaned against the wall contemplatively, then looked up as Keichii walked by. "Are you looking for Kamui?" he asked.
Fuuma nodded.
Keichii pointed towards the bathroom across the hall. "Tread carefully. He's really upset."
"Thanks," Fuuma said. "How'd you know?"
"Bumped into him on his way in," Keichii said. "Just luck." He gave the younger boy his usual sunny grin and walked away.
Fuuma opened the bathroom door and went in cautiously. Fortunately, it was empty except for himself and Kamui. "Kamui? You in here?"
"Go away." Kamui's voice was rough with tears. "You're the last person I want to see right now."
"Really?" Fuuma kept his voice light. "I could go get Subaru, if you'd rather."
Sullen pause. "Okay, maybe not the last," Kamui finally admitted.
Fuuma walked over to the stall that Kamui had locked himself in. "Will you let me in?"
"No. Go away."
"Kamui, I hate to break this to you, but this is one of the most frequently used bathrooms in the entire building. If you're going to have a nervous breakdown, I suggest you find somewhere that you're not as likely to be heard."
Pause. Then the lock slid back and Kamui stepped out of the stall. "Good point," he said, and walked past Fuuma without another word.
"Then why are you here?" Fuuma asked. "I thought it was so I'd be able to find you. Isn't that what you wanted?"
"I don't know what I want," Kamui said.
"Let's go outside," Fuuma said. "There's still a good twenty minutes of lunch left."
Kamui said nothing, but let Fuuma take his sleeve and tug him outside to a remote corner of the schoolyard, where they sat down under a tree. "Now what's wrong?" Fuuma asked. "I mean, I know what's wrong, but what set you off?"
"Haven't you seen them?" Kamui asked.
Fuuma blinked. "Only for a few seconds. And I was far too worried about you to be paying attention to them. I mean, I know they . . . oh."
Tears started to slide down Kamui's cheeks. "I didn't want to see you," he said. "I knew I would only make you feel worse." His hands clenched down in the grass. "Why is it that I hurt everyone I care about?"
"Kamui." Fuuma gathered the smaller boy in his arms. "It's okay."
"It's not," Kamui said, trying to pull away. "It isn't okay. It's never going to be okay."
"Why not?" Fuuma held him firmly.
Kamui gave up with a shuddering sigh, letting Fuuma hold him. "How can I be friends with Subaru when every time I see him . . . I feel jealous?"
"It'll get better, Kamui. This is new. You'll get used to it."
"I didn't get used to it in my last life," Kamui said bitterly. "God, do you know what that was like? I loved him so much, but he only ever thought about Seishirou, and Seishirou was . . . was evil! Subaru just let Seishirou hurt him over and over and over again, because he loved him that much, and . . . and there was nothing . . . I could do." Kamui's voice trailed off.
Fuuma hugged him tightly, smoothed his hair, said nothing.
"I just wanted to help." Kamui's voice was very small. He sounded lost. "I just want to help him."
"He doesn't need your help anymore, Kamui," Fuuma said, very softly.
"I know," Kamui said. "And I think that may be what hurts the most."
The bell rang, signalling the end of recess. They both looked up.
"You going to be okay?" Fuuma asked.
Kamui paused.
"Yeah," he finally said. "I'll be okay. For now."
"Come over tonight?" Fuuma asked, standing up and extending a hand to his friend.
Kamui let Fuuma help him up. "I'm amazed you want me around," he said, voice bitter.
Fuuma shrugged. "I do. Who are you to question?"
Kamui laughed a little.
"You'll get over it," Fuuma said. "I can wait."
"I know," Kamui said, and reached out to take Fuuma's hand. "So yes. I'll come over tonight."
****
Hokuto glanced up as Subaru came in, then pointed a spoon at him accusingly. "You!"
Subaru backed away a step. "Um . . . yes. Me."
"I'll have you know!" Hokuto said, picking up the bowl of batter she was stirring so she could face Subaru while she talked. "That I resisted the urge to call you every ten minutes last night to make sure you were behaving. And I only resisted because I knew after two times you would just take the phone off the hook anyway."
Subaru smiled. "Thank you, neesan."
"And then! I resisted the urge to call and get pizza sent over to the house or something like that. And I only resisted that because by the time I thought of it, no one was delivering anymore."
Subaru bit back a grin. "Any other foiled schemes you'd like to tell me about?"
"No, that was it," Hokuto said with a sigh. She gave him a look. "Did you have fun?"
"Yes, I did," Subaru said calmly, managing (thankfully) not to blush.
She paused. "Well, if there's anything you want to talk about . . ."
Subaru hesitated. "There is one thing, but it's not what you think."
She shooed him towards a chair. "Sit, sit." She brought him a mug of tea, put what she was doing aside, and sat down. "What's up?"
"I'm really worried about Kamui," Subaru said. "I . . . I thought if I just threw him at Monou-san enough, he'd get over me, but it just . . . it doesn't seem to be happening." He paused, then said, "I want the best for him. He's my best friend and I care for him tons, but . . . I don't know." He pushed his hair out of his face.
"What does Sei-chan have to say about all this?" Hokuto asked seriously.
"That he doesn't know what to do, since he doesn't know Kamui as well, but he'll help in any way he can," Subaru said.
Hokuto nodded approvingly. "That's a good start. Why do you think Kamui feels like this? It's been . . ." She frowned. "Almost a year, right? Since you turned him down."
Subaru nodded.
"It's weird," Hokuto said, frowning a little.
"I just don't know what to do anymore," Subaru said. "I hate to see him hurting like this. And Monou-san is so good for him, but he just . . . he won't take what Monou-san is offering."
"Like the way you wouldn't take what he offered?" Hokuto asked.
"No, it's different," Subaru said. "Because I knew that I didn't care for him the same way. He . . . he said that he would care for Monou-san that way if . . . if he could forget about me."
Hokuto sighed. "You're hard to forget, Subaru-chan."
Subaru just looked frustrated.
"Give Monou-kun some time with him and see what happens," Hokuto advised. "And just . . . try not to be so cute and couply around Kamui-chan. That's about all the advice I can offer."
"Yeah. Thanks, neesan."
"And one other thing!" she said, as Subaru stood up to leave the room. "You can only stay at Sei-chan's two nights a week! Don't think I don't see those little shadows under your eyes! You won't be shorting yourself of sleep while I'm around!"
Subaru paused, then grinned. "Okay, neesan."
****
//"fuuma . . . ai shiteru . . ."//
Why did I say that?
//falling//
Kamui stared at his ceiling. He'd almost stayed over at Fuuma's, until he remembered a test he had the next day that he needed to study for. All his books were at home, so he'd left reluctantly.
//fuuma's eyes closed, his skin pale and the pain washed clean from his face//
He hadn't been able to study much, after all that. He couldn't stop thinking.
//died with barely a word//
He pressed both his hands against his face and drew in a shuddering breath.
//"fuuma . . . ai shiteru . . ."//
"Why did I say that?" Kamui asked his ceiling angrily.
His ceiling did not reply.
"I must have meant it . . . but . . ." Kamui closed his eyes. "If I loved him the whole time, why did I love Subaru?"
//"subaru, i just want to help . . . i love you . . . i want to help you forget about him . . ."//
Had he ever really loved Subaru at all?
Kamui rolled over onto his stomach, burying his face in the pillow.
I did. I did love Subaru.
//"we gather this day to mourn sumeragi subaru, a friend to us all . . ."//
Kamui stifled a sob, pressing his face against the soft fabric of the pillowcase.
Why did he have to die? Why did he leave me?
//"please don't let this be real . . ."//
Why didn't he ever love me? I tried my hardest, I really did. He should have loved me. I did everything I could . . .
//"fuuma . . . ai shiteru . . ."//
Maybe . . . he realized . . .
//"fuuma . . ."//
"Shut up, shut UP!" Kamui yelled into his pillow, the words muffled. "I don't want to hear it! I don't want to remember! I didn't even want to come back, now leave me alone . . ."
Words dissolving into tears.
"Leave me alone . . ."
//". . . ai shiteru . . ."//
****
Subaru went to the library after school. Seishirou offered to go, but Subaru said that it was just work and would thus be boring.
Seishirou didn't believe him, but left anyway.
"Can I see the microfilm?" he asked the librarian.
"For when?" she asked.
Subaru swallowed. "May of 1999, please."
The librarian nodded and disappeared for a minute. She came back a minute later with the microfilm canister and handed it to Subaru. After the traditional lecture on how to use the machines and how basically, if he screwed it up, he'd be in big trouble, she left him to his work.
Let's see . . . Seishirou-san said his birthday was on the sixteenth . . .
He pulled up the obituaries.
Nothing.
After blinking for a minute, he rolled his eyes. Of course there isn't going to be anything on the sixteenth, you dummy. They can't print his obituary the day he died.
He flipped to the seventeenth.
Halfway down the page, there it was. A very brief, incredibly uninformative obituary for one Sakurazuka Seishirou.
He noticed a few interesting facts and filed them away for later.
No next-of-kin, or apparently any family at all.
Employee of the government. No specific job was given.
His age was listed as thirty-five.
Subaru went back up to the desk. "Thank you. May I have December of '99, please?"
"Are you looking for something in particular?" the librarian asked. "Because you can use the computer, you know. It has a search feature on it, and it has the newspapers catalogued back to '97."
He blinked. "It does? Oh. That'd be great. Thanks."
She showed him over to the computer and demonstrated how to flip through, first by date and section, then how to use search function.
He thanked her and flipped to the day after his birthday. Not there.
He frowned.
Wait.
Wincing, he flipped to the front page.
"Oh, God," he muttered to himself. "I made the front page."
He skimmed the article quickly, finding that it was a very short article for such a big headline. Though the family obviously couldn't cover up his death, they could -- and obviously did -- withhold details from the press. It was mentioned, very briefly, that his death was a suicide, then it rushed on to other matters such as the time and place of the public funeral. Subaru was guessing there was a private one as well.
I'm reading my own obituary, he thought. This is sick.
He nearly fell out of his chair a few lines later.
"This is not the first time tragedy has struck the Sumeragi family, as nine years ago . . ."
Subaru swallowed hard and pushed back from the microfilm a minute. He had never really thought that Hokuto figured into the equation. Sure, his former self had had a sister of the same name, but . . . Hokuto just didn't seem reincarnated.
Kakyou. What about Kakyou?
He tried searching for it, as he didn't know his friend's birthday, but the Kuzuki family had evidently been fairly important and there were so many articles that he didn't even know where to begin.
He clicked on the last entry that had Kakyou's name in it and found that it was, indeed, a lengthy obituary. No details were given on the manner of death.
He searched idly for a while, then an idea occurred to him and he tried the day after Kamui's birthday. At first nothing turned up, but when he used the search feature, he found a brief article about a tragic accident on top of Tokyo Tower that had taken the lives of two high-school boys: Monou Fuuma and Shirou Kamui.
Subaru pushed back from his chair, considering.
Then he closed the program, thanked the librarian, and left the library.
****
"Ne, Sakurazuka-kaichou . . . you all right?"
Seishirou looked up and blinked over at one of his teammates, Amano. (No relation to any other Amanos, of course.) "Yeah. Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"
Amano looked critically at the halo of arrows surrounding the target that Seishirou was shooting at. "You just usually have better aim than this."
Seishirou glanced over at what Amano was looking at. "Oh," he said. "I guess I am a little distracted." He raised another arrow and forced himself to concentrate, managing to get it into the inner ring. "There. See? I'm fine."
Amano raised an eyebrow.
Seishirou put the bow down. "Maybe I'll just go home."
"Seriously," Amano said. "We've got a tournament in two weeks. You can't afford to be doing this then. What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm fine, honestly. Just tired."
Amano obviously didn't buy it. "Been wearing yourself out with Sumeragi-kun?" he asked dryly.
Seishirou coughed. "That's not quite the way I'd put it."
Amano laughed. "Course it isn't. Go home and get some real rest, Sakurazuka-kaichou."
"Yeah, yeah." Seishirou waved him off and scooped up his backpack. "Mata ne."
Amano raised his hand in farewell, shaking his head as Seishirou left.
It was weird, Seishirou reflected, that Subaru had declined his offer to go to the library with him. Lately they couldn't get enough of each other's presence, even if they were only doing something as boring as homework. He wondered what on earth Subaru could be doing that he couldn't see.
Something to do with this whole reincarnation thing, probably, he thought with a sigh. Subaru knew he wasn't a big fan of the theory -- it was too weird, and there was no proof, and Seishirou didn't believe in reincarnation anyway. Life was unfair, you got one chance at everything and if you screwed up, that was it.
He decided to take the long way home; a walk might help him figure some things out.
It wasn't that he didn't like the idea of reincarnation. It was actually rather attractive. But he'd certainly never seen any evidence of it. And why would Subaru have been born into the same family and Seishirou had not been?
Unless, of course, I had no family left, Seishirou thought absently.
He sighed. His head ached. They weren't likely to figure it out, anyway, at least not with any proof. He didn't understand why Subaru couldn't just accept what they had and let it go. If they were reincarnated, so what? It certainly didn't seem like anything they'd actually want to remember.
He stopped at the outskirts of Ueno Park, suddenly feeling the urge to go wander among the sakura trees.
//"do you like sakura?"//
Seishirou shivered.
//"do you know why the petals of this tree are pink?"//
He took a hesitant step backwards.
//large green eyes, innocence personified, and a sudden longing that he didn't understand//
Without understanding why, without understanding anything, Seishirou turned and began to walk away quickly, almost running. He didn't stop until he was quite a ways from the park, until the dull feeling of dread in his stomach had receded.
//help me//
Seishirou paused. For a second, he could have sworn he heard a voice . . .
//sakurazukamori//
but it was gone.
****
"Sumeragi-kun, what a nice surprise." Kamui's mother smiled at Subaru. "Kamui's up in his room. Did he know you were coming?"
"No. I'll only be a minute, though," Subaru said, smiling disarmingly.
He padded softly up to Kamui's room and knocked on the door.
"What is it?" Kamui called.
Subaru pushed the door open and went in.
"Subaru!" Kamui stood up, blinking surprise. "What are you doing here?"
"I had a few things I needed to ask you," Subaru said.
Kamui still blinked, puzzled, hoping against hope that Subaru wasn't going to question him about his near fit of hysterics the other day. "Sure. What's up?"
Subaru withdrew a battered photograph from his pocket. "This."
He handed it over.
Kamui looked down at it. His hands began to tremble a little.
"That's me, isn't it," Subaru said. "Me and Seishirou-san."
Kamui's head snapped up. "How do you -- " Then his eyes went wide. "You don't . . . remember . . . do you?"
Subaru shook his head. "No. I just put the pieces together, that's all."
Kamui sat down on his bed, all the air coming out of his lungs in a rush.
"So let me get this straight," Subaru said. "How many of us are there?"
"Sixteen," Kamui whispered.
Subaru blinked. "Really? I didn't think it was that many . . . I'd only accounted for us six."
"Some of them I haven't ever even met," Kamui said.
"Anyone else I know?" Subaru asked curiously.
"Fuuma's older sister," Kamui said. "Though I doubt you're supposed to know that. Then again, you aren't really supposed to know any of this."
Subaru shrugged and took the photograph back. "So . . . were Seishirou-san and I . . . last time . . .?"
Kamui looked away. "I don't know really. You never talked about it much."
"I killed him, didn't I," Subaru said quietly. "We were on . . . on opposite sides, or whatever."
Kamui continued to look at the floor, and mumbled something indistinct.
"Tell me," Subaru said. "Please tell me."
"Forget about it, Subaru."
"I can't forget," Subaru said.
"I saw it happen. I remember. Let it go."
"So I did kill him."
Kamui muttered something else, then said, "You . . . you didn't mean to. It was an accident. I swear." He looked up at Subaru, his eyes aching. "I swear, it was an accident." Well, that or a suicide, his brain piped up. It depends on how you look at it. Because Seishirou knew damn well what he was doing.
Subaru apparently didn't know what to say to that.
"Forget about it, Subaru," Kamui said firmly. "It was . . . it was last time. We all got another chance. Don't question it, and don't ruin it."
Subaru hesitated a long minute.
"Please, Subaru," Kamui said. "Please just forget about it." He took a deep breath. "Seishirou . . . he really cares for you. Last time you couldn't be happy, because . . . because you were on different sides, like you said. This time you're both just normal people, and you can be together. So just . . . just let it go."
There was a long pause.
"Yeah," Subaru finally said. "I guess I will."
He turned to go.
"Subaru . . ." Kamui took a step toward him, one hand outstretched.
Subaru looked at him. "Yeah?"
Kamui fought back a million impulses, to ask for forgiveness, for an explanation, for a hug, for reassurance.
"Never mind," he finally said.
"Are you sure?" Subaru asked, puzzled.
Kamui dropped his hand. "Yeah," he said. "It's nothing."
****
//in kamui's dreams, subaru is often with him, and he can ask all those questions and say all those things that he never got a chance to ask and say while they were alive. he can ask subaru why he killed himself, he can apologize for confessing his love. he can say anything he wants to, and he never gets a rebuke, just a gentle smile and kind green eyes.
and then he wakes up.
and asks nothing.//
****
