When Darkness Shines
By Avluela
Chapter One – Little Baby Brother
My brother was born when I was six years old. Da had gone to the pub, leaving Ma and me at home. I was playing with my rag doll, Maeve, while Ma rested. She was always resting. The baby had made her tummy large, round and heavy. She said the baby was much too big to haul around. I wondered when it would finally come out. Ma had been carrying it for an awfully long time.
The light of the hearth made strange patterns on the walls of our homely house. Sometimes, if I tried hard enough, I could imagine little pictures flickering on the walls. Little people, fairies and demons crept through my minds eye. At times, the shadows became almost frightening. They distorted the simplest things into fearsome monsters. The chair would become a gnarled old crone; the table a hunched creature readying to strike its prey. On that night, I wasn't sure if it was reality or merely my imagination that made Ma's face scrunch in scorching agony.
I watched her as she clutched to the sides of the chair, her knuckles white with tension. Her eyes were squeezed closed and her lips parted in a silent scream. The rag doll fell limply from my hands as I stood up with a shocked screech.
"Ma! What's wrong? Ma…!"
Ma let out a shuddering breath. Loosening her grip on the chair, she looked up at me with those intense blue eyes.
"Go… Get Mrs Sullivan… Now…"
I didn't need to be told twice. Pulling on my shawl and boots, I scampered out of the door, out into the night.
Mrs Sullivan was the village midwife. She was a very old woman; her brown hair streaked a mature grey and her skin wrinkled with age. Practically every child in the village had been pulled into the world by her callused hands. She was a talented, clever woman. I had always held a certain respect and awe for her. But then, you would be a fool not to respect Mrs Sullivan.
I reached her house quickly. She had once of the best homes in the village, apart from Riddle House. But no one visited the Riddles. They were rich, snobby and scary.
I loudly knocked on the door, hoping she would answer quickly. The night was cold and I felt scared on my own. I need not have worried though. The door opened after only a few moments revealing Mrs Sullivan. She looked surprised to see me.
"Ciarda!" She exclaimed. "What are you doing out so late? It ain't safe."
"Mrs Sullivan." I gasped. "Ma's screaming and I don't know why. She told me to bring you. I think the babies coming!"
There was nothing more to say. Mrs Sullivan organised all that she needed and called a few of the older girl's from the village. Then we all headed back to my home.
I don't remember much after that. I wasn't allowed to see Ma again for the rest of the night. There was screaming, a lot or screaming. I think it was Ma, but I had never heard her voice sound that raw before in my life. It scared me, but I said nothing. Who would comfort me anyway?
My brother was born just after dawn. Ma named him Liam, after her own Da. I loved Liam. Ma loved Liam.
Da hated Liam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My baby brother was an angel sent down from heaven. That was what Ma said anyway. He didn't look anything like Da or me. He was a little cherub with big blue eyes, light blonde curls and a face as sweet as that of the prettiest girl. He looked like Ma. I loved rocking him to sleep, gently stroking his golden hair in a soothing caress. His was just so perfect; so beautiful. I was jealous of him sometimes, but not often. After all, I didn't look that bad. But what girl doesn't wish for a beautiful face?
He loved it when I sang to him. I sang all the rhymes Ma had once sung to me, and others of my own making. Sometimes he would try to sing along in his sweet, gurgling voice. That would always make me laugh. Liam was such an adorable baby.
Da was the only one in our family who could not stand Liam. He hardly mentioned my brother and when he did Da just called him 'the boy'. Sometimes I caught him looking at me, and then looking at Liam with a bitter scowl on his face. Da was disappointed in us, and I didn't know why.
My Da was always angry. He was angry at Ma for being what he called 'weak willed', he was angry at me and Liam for not being his ideal children, and he was angry at the world for the bad luck it had brought him. You see, Da had been rich once. Very rich and from an old family. But Da had been a drunkard even then and he'd gambled away the entire estate. Now he was poor. We were all poor.
I was a lot like Da. We both had the same pale skin, the same narrow purple eyes. We were both proud and haughty, but in different ways. My silence made me seem aloof while Da's icy disdain did the same for him. I didn't want to be like Da, but I knew that I couldn't change my blood. I would always be my father's daughter. Always.
Liam was scared of Da. I could see it in his eyes. He never spoke of his fear, but as he got older he began to ask questions. Questions I did not want to answer. He was three when the queries began.
"Ciawda?"
He still could not say my name properly.
"Yes Liam?" I asked. "What do you want?"
"Why does Da hate me?"
His blue-eyed gaze was searching, probing. I could not meet it. Turning away, I busied myself with some unimportant task.
"Why do you think he hates you? That's a silly thing to think!" I didn't sound convincing, not even to myself.
" 'Cos Da always is mean. He don't talk with me or nothing. Jack's Da hugs him and stuff, like Ma does with us. Da don't hug us. And I know that he hates me."
Yes, I thought crossly, we both know that Da hates us. But we're not meant to say anything. At least then we can pretend he does care. Liam should have known that too.
"Just because Da doesn't hug us, Liam, it doesn't mean that he hates us. Jack's Da is weird anyway." I said. "Now stop being silly and go away."
"But Ciawda!" he protested. "You haven't answered my que-"
"Go away Liam."
He was quiet for a while, but the question came up again many times after that. I never answered Liam. I didn't know the answer myself.
Why does Da hate me?
Why indeed?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What's wrong with this bloody family?!"
Da was shouting again. Liam and I had gone and hidden at the first sign of his anger. Ma couldn't hide though. She had to face Da. We watched him rage from beneath the table. His dark eyes, just like my own, were black with fiery anger. He stumbled a bit as he took another step forward. Da was drunk again. He was an angry sort of drunk. Ma watched him fearfully. She looked so young, so scared. Nothing like the calm, capable Ma Liam and me were used to. My brother tightened his grip on my arm. He was so young, too young to watch Da shout and scream. I wanted to protect him, but I couldn't even protect myself. I felt so useless.
"Its alright Liam." I whispered. "Da… he'll stop in a while. We just have to wait, okay?"
Liam nodded. There were tears in his eyes. I think he was too scared to speak.
Ma moved forward. She spoke in her most soothing voice, maybe hoping, praying, that Da would calm down. For a moment it almost seemed to work. Da stopped his pacing, his voice quietened. Liam relaxed his grip on my arm. I could not hear what Ma was saying, but I could see her slender hand on his shoulder, the glint of her blonde hair in the firelight. Perhaps Da had finally stopped his tirade.
My hope was in vain. His mouth tightened into a thin line. One of his large hands curled into a powerful fist. He struck Ma across the face, sending her sprawling across the floor. Ma screamed. Liam began to cry. I could feel his salty tears soaking my clothing, leaving a tangible sign of his sorrow and fear upon my skin.
Da had hit Ma.
He'd hit Ma.
Something… Something shattered inside me. A door opened within and all I could feel was fury. It tingled in my blood like a cold fire that could not be quenched. For the first time in my life, I felt power. It rose up like a wave of pure energy, searing my skin, exploding in shards of light. I loved it. I craved it.
I set it free.
Da was thrown against the wall by the force of the explosion. The ground shook beneath my feet. He slammed against the wall again and again and… It was impossible to stop. My wrath was uncontrollable. And it felt so good. So right. Da had to pay. He would pay.
Then the power was gone. I was just a little girl again. A scared, confused little girl with my Da unconscious, maybe dead, on the ground. Ma was still on the floor, but she was looking at me. What I saw in her eyes frightened me more than Da ever could.
I saw disgust.
"What did you do Ciawda?" asked Liam. "What did you do to Da?"
My brother wasn't scared. He looked curious, amazed even, but not at all frightened. His hand still clung to my dress, but the grip was not as tight as before. Yanking the material from his fingers, I edged away from him and Ma.
"I didn't do anything Liam! I… I didn't!"
I turned to Ma, my gaze pleading. I searched her face, hoping that the look of revulsion had been just another figment of my imagination. But it was still there. Hidden beneath the shock and confusion was that darkness, that distaste. I doubted that it would ever go away.
Wrenching the door open, I darted out into the open air. Ma didn't try to stop me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had no idea where I would go. I couldn't go home, not when Ma kept looking at me like that. Not when Da was lying half dead on the ground. I needed to find help. Maybe that is why, a few minutes later, I found myself on Mrs Sullivan's doorstep.
It had been three years since I had last knocked on her door and asked her to come help Ma. Now I was here again, but this time it was my Da who needed aid. She answered quickly, just like last time. But this time, I did not even give her a chance to speak.
"Da… Da's hurt Mrs Sullivan. I didn't mean to… I'm sorry. I think he's going to die!" I cried.
She didn't ask why I had come to her instead of searching for a doctor. She didn't ask me anything. Mrs Sullivan knew someone was hurt and that they needed help. It was enough information for her. And anyway, I was hardly in a state to answer questions.
When we got back to my home, we found Da still unconscious on the floor. Liam was confused. He didn't understand what was going on, and how could he? My brother was just a child. Ma helped Mrs Sullivan look after Da. She ignored me as best as she could, but sometimes I felt that disgusted gaze watching me where I sat with Liam. I didn't understand Ma anymore. I didn't understand anything anymore.
Da recovered. Just. Ma was strangely happy when he got better. It didn't make sense to me at all. How could she care about someone who had harmed her like that? Adults were strange, twisted creatures. I never wanted to grow up.
The first time Da saw me after the incident, he smiled.
Yes, adults were most definitely twisted beings.