Part Thirteen

//Memory does not make us human, but it does make us unique. Nobody shares an identical set of experiences. Having a past makes every one of us different, special in our own way. Some of us have lived through tragedy, some through calamity, and others through simple lives with no disorder. No two people are alike, because our experiences give us unique personalities.

Retrograde amnesia patients have proven, however, that personality can remain stable in the face of memory loss.

So perhaps memory doesn't have anything to do with it after all. Perhaps it comes to the question of whether or not we have a soul. Perhaps the soul remembers when the mind cannot.//

A brisk twenty minute walk away from the apartment where Seishirou lives is a small park. In the summer it's filled with ice cream and children and brilliant sakura petals. But now autumn has fallen and the branches rustle as the wind blows through their turning leaves.

//What happens if we lose our memories? Are we less of ourselves, or more of someone else? Are we exactly the same inside? If we have no memory, how do we still know how to speak, how to act, how to read?

Does memory matter at all to who we are?//

But distance doesn't matter to one certain tree, its skeletal branches bare of leaves and reaching toward a cloudless sky. Its voice can travel, even if it can only be heard by a few certain people who are bound to it more deeply than they know or understand.

//If you don't remember the sins you committed and the wrongs you did, how can you regret them? Does it work itself into your personality so deeply that it can never really be forgotten? Is it something that your soul remembers?

Does it keep you awake at night?//

It calls.

//Likewise if someone did something to you, can you forgive them without knowing it, without feeling it? Does it matter if you remember what they did? Can you still forgive?//

It screams.

//If you loved someone, but you don't remember it, will you still love them? Will you meet them again and fall in love at first sight, or will the love slowly blossom and grow as it did the first time? Or will they be just another face, a complete nonentity? And if you hated them, but you don't remember who they are or what they did to you, will you still hate them without knowing why?//

It is hungry.

//You can meet again, you can become friends, lovers, enemies, whatever was appropriate to your past, without ever even knowing it.//

It is dying.

//But is it really the same?//

Sakurazuka Seishirou is dreaming.

****

Subaru sat up in bed, confused, pushing his hair out of his face with one hand. He thought he had heard something, maybe someone calling his name. Concerned, he looked down at Seishirou, his face barely discernible in the dim light that was coming from outside. "Seishirou-san?" he asked hesitantly, watching the older man twitch in his sleep.

Seishirou let out a small moan and he rolled onto his side, pulling the blankets tightly around him.

"Seishirou-san, wake up." Subaru shook him gently.

"Lemme 'lone . . ." Seishirou whispered, eyes tightly closed.

"Seishirou-san . . ." Subaru shook him not-so-gently.

Seishirou sat bolt upright, his eyes going open and very wide. "What -- "

"Are you okay?" Subaru asked, looking at him carefully. "You were having some sort of nightmare."

"I . . . yes," Seishirou said, getting a hold on himself. "Yes, I'm okay. I just . . ."

"Shh, lie down." Subaru gently pushed Seishirou down onto the bed and then curled up next to him, wrapping his arms around his lover. "What was it about?" he asked.

"I'm not quite sure," Seishirou said, frowning. "It was . . . a lot like the old ones. Blood and sakura again. And this . . . this pressing sense of urgency. Like there's something important that I've forgotten, something I should be doing."

"Weird," Subaru said. "Why would the dreams be coming back now? I thought we'd gotten rid of the damned things."

"I don't know, but . . . it wasn't . . . it was worse, Subaru-kun. It was far worse. None of the others were ever this vivid . . ."

Subaru hugged him tightly. "Should we ask Kamui about it tomorrow?"

"Yes, I think we should," Seishirou admitted after a second. As much as he didn't want to have to ask for help, this could hardly bode well. There was a pause. "Subaru-kun, in everything you found out, did you ever find out anything about Ueno Park?"

Subaru thought about it, running back over the facts he had gathered. "No," he said. "I never did. Why?"

"It's kind of hard to explain. I was there a while ago, and it seemed like it was drawing me in. I could almost hear someone calling my name. I asked Kamui about it, and he practically panicked. Told me to stay away from the park. He made me promise to, in fact."

"Very odd," Subaru said. "Did he say anything else?"

Seishirou took a deep breath. "He said it was where you died."

Pause. Subaru seemed to take this very calmly. "I don't see why it would be drawing you in if that's true. You were already dead by then."

"I know. I was going to ask him how you . . . how you killed yourself, but he wouldn't answer."

Subaru let out a tiny laugh. "These conversations always sound so strange."

Seishirou smiled, feeling a little of the tension leave him. "But it's almost like . . . like someone wants us to remember."

Subaru sighed, closing his eyes. "I don't know. I don't understand any of this. Kamui told me to forget about it, and I tried, I really did. But I don't think it will ever go away until we remember."

"But I don't think we want to remember," Seishirou said in a low voice.

"No," Subaru said softly. "I don't think we do either."

****

As usual when Subaru had spent the night at Seishirou's house, they walked to school together the next morning and met Kamui and Fuuma by the front gates. The two of them were apparently deep in a conversation, because they didn't notice Subaru and Seishirou's approach until the two were right next to them.

"Oh, hi," Kamui said vaguely, then blinked. "Seishirou, you look terrible." He had fallen back into his old habit of calling him by his first name; Seishirou didn't seem to mind, so he didn't bother to fix it. He was amused, however, that he was using more familiarity with him than Subaru was, for the Sumeragi was still stubbornly insisting on sticking the -san on the end of his name.

"I know," Seishirou said. No matter how hard he'd tried, he hadn't been able to hide the dark circles under his eyes. "I barely slept. We need to talk to you two."

Kamui checked his watch. "We have ten minutes before class starts, so we'll have to make it quick." The four of them adjourned to one of the lesser used hallways inside. "What's wrong?"

"The dreams have started again," Seishirou said. "But only for me. I had a really bad one last night, just like the old ones, but far more vivid. And I can practically hear someone calling my name."

Kamui had gone a little pale; Fuuma was looking at him in concern. "You haven't gone to Ueno Park again, have you?" Kamui demanded, a hint of suspicion in his voice.

"No!" Seishirou said, a little frustrated. "I haven't been anywhere near the damn park."

Fuuma and Kamui blinked at each other.

"Then I don't know," Kamui finally said.

Seishirou and Subaru both looked extremely disappointed; they'd obviously expected Kamui to have some sort of explanation, even if it didn't help.

"Look, you two are together," Kamui said. "And happy, last time I checked. So I don't know why the dreams would've started again. Especially for you, but not for Subaru. Unless . . ."

He went pale very suddenly.

"Unless what?" Seishirou and Subaru asked anxiously in unison.

Even Fuuma looked confused.

Kamui's eyes were wide with horror. He turned to Fuuma. "If it never picked another -- it might -- "

Fuuma blinked, then apparently got it, because his eyes also went very wide. "It couldn't have," he said, but his voice was very uncertain.

"Hey, guys, could you explain what's going on since I'm the one being tortured by nightmares here?" Seishirou asked rather irritably.

Kamui turned. "I can't explain -- just let me try to find something out and I think I'll know -- just please, please stay away from Ueno Park -- both of you. Promise me."

"I promised already," Seishirou said.

Kamui looked at Subaru.

"I promise," Subaru whispered. "But I wish you'd tell us what's going on."

"Just let me try to find something out," Kamui said. "I'll call you tonight -- tell Segawa-kun I'm sick or something." With that, he half-ran around the corner and out of their sight.

There was a moment of shocked silence.

Subaru finally spoke, his voice confused. "Since when does Kamui call the teacher 'Segawa-kun'?"

"It's a long story," Fuuma said. "Let's go to class."

****

Fuuma was rather startled when, upon arriving at his house, he found Kamui sitting on his front doorstep. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Just didn't want to wait at home," Kamui said.

Fuuma braced himself. "Bad news?"

There was a pause, then Kamui nodded slowly. "The Sakura didn't pick again. There is no Sakurazukamori."

Fuuma opened the door to his house and let them in. "How did you find out?"

"Went to the Sumeragi Head, actually. Er, former head. Subaru's grandmother. The original Subaru. Oh, never mind. I know Subaru goes to visit her, and she couldn't have met Subaru without realizing he was the reincarnation. So I explained to her who I was -- being an ex-Kamui does have its advantages."

Fuuma laughed a little at the way he phrased it, going into the kitchen and starting to make tea. "So what did she say?"

"That they haven't seen hide or hair of a Sakurazukamori since Seishirou died. So I went to Ueno Park. The Tree is still there, but . . . it's dying. It has no leaves, and its branches are cracked and . . . and sagging, almost."

"Why do you think it never picked again?" Fuuma asked thoughtfully.

"I imagine that's something we'd have to ask it," Kamui replied. "The point is, there can't be no Sakurazukamori -- it upsets the magical balance in Japan."

Fuuma looked blank.

Kamui let out a frustrated sigh. "Weren't you listening when Subaru and Seishirou gave that damned class presentation? It's all about focal points and stuff like that, pretty complicated stuff that I don't really understand. But the point is, the Sakurazukamori is the focal point of dark onmyoujitsu; without one, the magic is unfocused and it goes wild. Which will explain what they found about how magic has been slightly out of control in the past seventeen years -- it doesn't help that so many kekkai broke in the final battle."

He paused as Fuuma set down a mug of tea in front of him. "Thanks. Anyway, I'm guessing that the Tree has woken up for some reason and has decided it wants Seishirou back. Though . . ." He frowned. "Technically, Subaru was the last Sakurazukamori. He's the reason for the Tree not having anyone; I'd think it would be after him."

Fuuma coughed. "Subaru didn't exactly make a great Sakurazukamori."

"True. But I really have no idea of how sentient the Tree is."

"Good point."

There was a moment of silence while they sipped their tea.

"So what do we do?" Fuuma asked. "Even if they avoid Ueno Park, I think the dreams will probably continue."

Kamui pushed his hair out of his face. "I'm really not sure there's anything we can do. If the Tree is set on having Seishirou back . . . I don't even know how most of the bonding process works."

Fuuma stood up. "Then we had better find out before we call them, hadn't we."

*****

They gathered that evening at Subaru's house. Hokuto was working late, and Subaru made some food that none of them really felt like eating.

"Were you right?" Seishirou finally asked Kamui, trying to hide the fact that he was dreading the answer.

Kamui nodded slowly.

"Wonderful," Seishirou said. "I don't even know what it was and I can tell it's awful."

"Well, don't leave us hanging," Subaru said resignedly.

"I'm not going to explain everything," Kamui said. "Because there's stuff you two don't really need to know, and trust me -- you don't want to know. Let me sum up -- there's an evil spirit that exists inside Ueno Park. And . . . last time around, for lack of a better term . . . you sort of . . . belonged to it." He was looking at Seishirou as he spoke. "Or maybe it belonged to you. I'm really not clear on that." He paused for a deep breath, then said, "And apparently it wants you back."

Seishirou said nothing, staring at the table.

"And how do we stop it?" Subaru's voice cracked, then steadied.

Kamui swallowed hard. "I'm sorry," he said. "I've been looking all afternoon. I'll keep looking. But I don't see any immediate solution . . . for now, you'll just have to stay away from the park. It can't leave the park."

Seishirou nodded. "That's going to be easier said than done," he said.

"I know, but . . ." Kamui sighed. "I'll see what I can do. So just hold on for a while."

"I wish you could tell us the whole story," Subaru said.

Kamui looked away. "No you don't, Subaru."

The rest of the evening was spent in near silence. Kamui finally left about a half hour later with Fuuma in tow.

"Why did you say that?" Fuuma asked quietly.

"Which?"

"That you'd keep looking. You know there's no way we can stop it. Not without destroying the Tree, and that would upset the magical balance in Japan too much."

"I know," Kamui said. "But I couldn't just tell them that. I'll try to figure something out . . . we may get lucky . . ."

Fuuma just looked at him.

Kamui smiled wanly. "I know it's a long shot, Fuuma . . . but I have to try. I can't just watch this happen."

Fuuma sighed and put an arm around his shoulder. "You know I'll help. Just tell me what to do."

****

It is a curious aspect of the human mind that, as soon as you are told something is forbidden to you, it immediately becomes something you want more than anything else. Seishirou couldn't spend ten minutes without thinking of Ueno Park, of sakura, of blood. He stopped sleeping -- after a while, stopped even trying to sleep. His skin was paler every day.

"I can hear it calling my name," he said dismally to Subaru. "I can't just ignore it anymore."

"Just hold on," Subaru said. "Kamui's looking for -- "

"He's not going to find anything," Seishirou said flatly. "You know that as well as I do. He just said that to make me feel better."

Subaru sighed. "I'm sorry. I . . . I don't know what to do."

"Just come over tonight," Seishirou said wearily. "I need to distract myself."

So Subaru hurried home after school and hastily did his homework, explained to Hokuto that Seishirou wasn't feeling very well and that, as it was Saturday, he was going to be spending the night. He had already exceeded his two nights that week, but she didn't remark upon this, most likely because she had seen Seishirou the day before.

Seishirou was lying on the couch when Subaru got there, trying to nap. "I can't do it," he said, looking up as Subaru came in. (Seishirou had given him the spare key.) "Whenever I close my eyes, I see those dreams. I just can't do it anymore."

Subaru made them dinner and coaxed Seishirou into eating some of it, then set about to 'distract' the older man. They made love with a desperation neither of them had ever felt before, as if somehow they both felt that something was drawing to an end.

Afterward, after a long period of simply lying together and trying to reassure each other, Seishirou sat up and reached for the bedside table. Then he stopped, bewildered.

"I know," Subaru said, seeing the look on his face. "I did it yesterday. Just couldn't figure out where I had put my cigarettes until I realized I don't smoke."

Seishirou lay back down, looking disconcerted.

"You should sleep," Subaru said softly.

Seishirou just shook his head.

Silence.

"I'm going tomorrow," he finally said.

Subaru rolled over so he was looking at his lover. "But Kamui said -- "

"I know," Seishirou said. "But this isn't going to get better and it's not going to go away." He closed his eyes. "Look at me, Subaru-kun, I'm wearing away to nothing. If these dreams don't stop soon, I'll either die or go crazy. I'll go, I'll face whatever this is. Because I think that's the only option I have left."

More silence.

"I'm going too," Subaru said.

"No."

"Yes. I'm going. I won't let you face it by yourself. And if . . . if the worst happens, I want to be with you. I don't want to abandon you."

Seishirou closed his eyes, knowing that there was no way he could talk the Sumeragi out of it. "All right," he finally said. "And thank you."

"Are you scared?" Subaru asked quietly.

"Yes," Seishirou admitted. "Are you?"

Subaru managed a wan smile. "Terrified."

The two of them looked at each other for a minute, barely enough light to make out each other's faces. Then, very slowly, Seishirou leaned over and kissed him.

"Make me forget, Subaru-kun," he murmured, and drew Subaru to him in the darkness.

****

It was cold. Subaru pulled his jacket tightly around himself, his fingers entwined through Seishirou's, as the two fought the wind on their way to Ueno Park. They didn't speak; all their words had been said the night before. Other than a vague comment or two about the unseasonable weather, the walk passed in silence.

Though winter was approaching, most of the trees still had plenty of leaves left on them. Seishirou walked, seemingly aimless, through the park. He was following a nearly irresitible pull, tugging Subaru along after him and walking faster and faster as they got closer.

They found themselves at the base of a tree.

There was really nothing special about it, except for the fact that it looked very old and nearly dead. It had no leaves, its trunk was cracked and pitted, and its branches were sagging towards the ground.

Seishirou looked up as he thought he heard something, a sigh of relief perhaps, or maybe just someone saying his name.

"We're here," he said softly.

"Where's here?" Subaru asked, shivering.

"I'm not sure." Seishirou looked around. He looked up at the Tree and said hesitantly, "I think you wanted me to come?"

There was a pause.

::You're both here.::

"What?" Seishirou asked. Subaru, from the look on his face, had heard the voice too.

::I didn't expect you both. All for the best, I suppose.::

"Who are you?" Seishirou asked.

Another pause.

::You don't remember anything, do you? Either of you.::

"Um, no," Subaru said, hoping it was the right answer.

::Oh well. I can take care of that easily enough.::

"What?" Seishirou asked, and then it hit.

//"seishirou-san . . . i really was in love with you"//

//"you will be killed by the person you love most"//

//"you didn't want to be saved"//

//"you've never been ready to kill anyone"//

// "you never give me the words I'm expecting to hear, do you?"//

//"your wish is to kill me? subaru-kun . . . you really are cute"//

Seishirou went to his knees.

// "i could break your arm, and it wouldn't mean anything to me"//

Subaru simply stood wide-eyed, staring at nothing, staring through the Tree and back into time.

//"people do evil, really, because they're lonely"//

And it stopped.

There was a very long moment that was completely silent except for Subaru's harsh breathing.

::There. That clear everything up?::

Seishirou somehow couldn't speak, and he really wasn't sure why.

He slowly got to his feet.

"Why did you call me?" he asked, and his voice was his again, but calmer, more controlled, more authoritative. Subaru was simply staring at the Tree in horror. His hands were shaking.

::Look at me, Seishirou. That ought to answer your question.::

Seishirou ignored the Tree's attitude. It was, rather understandably, in a bad mood. Then again, so was he. "If you weren't smart enough to pick someone else after Subaru-kun died, that isn't my -- "

::There wasn't anyone, damn it! You think I didn't look? You think I starved for seventeen years for kicks? I wasn't strong enough to bond with someone against their will because your precious Sumeragi refused to feed me for the six months before he died! And I couldn't find anyone who wanted the position! I knew you had been reincarnated so I went into hibernation so my remaining energy would last as long as possible.::

Seishirou said nothing. Against his will -- and his better sense -- he was starting to feel a little sorry for the Tree.

"Well, you didn't need to be so cruel about it," he finally said.

::Give me a break, Seishirou. If the dreams hadn't been horrible, you wouldn't have come. And would you rather I have spoon fed you the memories one at a time? You're not a baby. You can take it. Besides, I did you two a favor.::

"Oh?"

::Yes. Remember those dreams you two used to have before you got together? Those were my fault too. I was trying to get the two of you to be together again, because I figured if you already had a solid relationship when I called you, there was more of a chance you'd be happy.::

"Oh," Seishirou said, then added grudingly, "well, thanks, I suppose."

Subaru finally managed to speak, saying, "But . . . which one of us . . .?"

There was a pause as the Tree considered.

::It's a dilemma, I'll admit it,:: it said. ::Technically, Sumeragi, it should be you. It would be easiest for me to bond with you, as you technically still should be the Sakurazukamori.::

Subaru let out a tiny whimper and backed away a step.

::But if Seishirou is willing to take up the position, I'm perfectly willing to bond with him instead.::

"But you can't bond with either of us without our permission?" Subaru asked suddenly, his eyes narrowing.

::No. I'm too weak.::

"Then . . ." Subaru turned to Seishirou, "then we don't have to. It'll be okay."

Seishirou noted absently that Subaru clearly wasn't grasping the entirety of the situation. "It doesn't work that way, Subaru-kun," he said slowly. "There has to be a Sakurazukamori. If there wasn't, the entire balance of magic in Japan would be set off kilter." He thought back to their report. "That's probably why there's been so much trouble recently."

Subaru looked upset. "But it doesn't have to be us, I mean -- "

"Subaru-kun, if the Tree says there's no one else, there's no one else. It has to be one of us."

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM?!" Subaru screamed. "I won't be a murderer! And I won't let you go back to how you were before! I HATED you when you were that way! I WON'T LET YOU!"

A small corner of Seishirou's brain was asking the same question, wondering exactly why he was so calm. He guessed he was still in shock.

::Look, I don't care which one of you does it as long as one of you does!:: the Tree said, exasperated. ::I haven't had a decent meal in over seventeen years! I don't care who it is and I don't care if you cry and whine about it the entire time, all I want is dinner!::

"Shut up!" Subaru yelled at it. "It's all your fault anyway, everything is all your fault!"

::Oh, right,:: the Tree said irritably. ::Always blame everything on the Tree. Well, I'm sorry, Sumeragi, but it doesn't work that way. It's not my fault that Seishirou was too much of a coward to ever admit his feelings for you -- believe me, I had words with him several times on that subject. And it's not my fault that you couldn't even get someone to kill you rather than killing yourself so there would be someone to take your place!::

"Both of you be quiet!" Seishirou said sharply. "I'm trying to think!"

Subaru stared at him for a minute. "I hated you," he whispered dismally, tears starting to slide down his cheeks. "I don't want you to go back to being that way."

Seishirou closed his eyes for a long second. "Subaru-kun, you know that being the Sakurazukamori doesn't mean you're emotionless. You were the Sakurazukamori. I'd think you would have noticed."

Subaru said nothing.

Seishirou understood anyway. The position of Sakurazukamori embodied everything Subaru had ever hated about Seishirou. If he became the Sakurazukamori again . . .

But what choice did he really have?

::Seishirou,:: the Tree said quietly, and Seishirou knew that it was talking to him and only him, ::since the Sumeragi is the rightful inheritor of the position, I do still have enough magic to bond to him against his will. I don't want to . . . but I will if I have to. You know what's at stake here.::

Seishirou flinched.

::I didn't want him to know that,:: the Tree continued. ::Seishirou, I need your help. I'm going to run out of energy very soon.::

The Tree had never, in the twenty-some-odd years Seishirou had worked with it, asked him for help before.

"Yes," he decided. He had a vague notion that he was still in shock, because this didn't seem to matter at all. The whole world was rather distant. This was simply something he had to do.

"Seishirou-san, don't, please don't . . ." Subaru began to cry in earnest, wrapping his arms around Seishirou's waist and burying his face in the older man's chest.

Seishirou looked down at him. Even he seemed very far away. He ran his fingers through Subaru's hair, barely feeling it. "I have to, Subaru-kun."

And he gently detached the Sumeragi and walked forward, placing both hands against the trunk of the Tree.

There was a whisper of gratitude, then it was as if his mind had caught fire. He grit his teeth and forced himself to stay standing, leaning against the Tree as it invaded every cell in his mind, bonding them.

::It's done.:: The Tree sounded weary. ::If you don't want to feed me tonight, I'll understand. Go home and get some rest; you need it.::

Seishirou nodded and took his hands away from the Tree as the Tree withdrew from his mind. Almost instantly, without the physical and mental support, he went stumbling to the ground. He lifted himself up to his knees and looked around. The world was a little blurry. He blinked a few times and it sharpened.

"Subaru-kun?"

The Sumeragi was standing a few feet away from him, staring down with something on his face that Seishirou couldn't identify.

"I . . . can't believe . . . you did that." Subaru was speaking through clenched teeth.

"Subaru-kun, I had to." Seishirou closed his eyes. He was suddenly so very tired. He wanted to sleep, to forget about what had just happened, to forget about everything.

"You didn't have to!" Subaru yelled. "You could have just let it die!"

"And destroy the magical system in Japan? Sorry, Subaru-kun. It's not that easy." He knew, distantly, that he shouldn't be so calm about it; it was just going to make Subaru feel worse. Maybe if he could look upset . . . but he didn't feel upset, and he didn't feel up to pretending. He was too tired for both.

"You care more about it than you do about me!" Subaru shouted.

Half of Seishirou's mind noted how ridiculous that was; for Subaru to be setting the Tree up as his rival. The other half was too busy goggling that Subaru had said it. "Are you out of your mind?" he asked incredulously. "I did this for you! I did this so you wouldn't have to!"

"Shut up!" Subaru glared furiously, wiping the tears off his cheeks. "You always know how to say exactly what I want to hear. I know you. You never loved me."

"Subaru-kun . . ." Seishirou looked up at him. "Last time I didn't know what I was doing. I regret everything that happened between us. I know there's no way I can ever make up for it, but . . ."

"Seishirou-san," Subaru said, having gone very quiet, "don't apologize."

Seishirou closed his eyes again.

"I don't want to hear it anyway," Subaru said, his voice cold. "Not after what you did to me. After all the things you did to me."

Seishirou opened his eyes. Subaru was staring at him in utter revulsion.

"I wouldn't ask you to forgive me," Seishirou said softly. "I know I don't deserve that."

"Good," Subaru said bitterly. "Because I wouldn't forgive you anyway."

And he turned around and walked away, leaving Seishirou underneath the Sakura, cold and tired and very alone.

****

//In their dreams, they remember, and finally their dreams and reality have melded and faded into one.

Memory does not make us who we are.

It is only who we were.

But it can shape what we become.//

****