Part Fourteen: Regret

//One mistake, one moment, is all it can take to destroy a person's entire life. One sentence spoken at the wrong time, a badly timed smile, the failure to speak when speaking is necessary. There are many things that can ruin us, but somehow the human race struggles on, fixes their mistakes when they can, and try to move on when they cannot.

Regret is a form of shame, it is a form of despair. Regret is to be sorry, to mourn, to feel sorrow over circumstances one cannot control.

Regret is an unspoken apology.

Regret can be good at times, for it can drive us to fix our mistakes, to apologize, to sympathize, to forgive. But sometimes regret simply isn't strong enough for any of those. Sometimes all regret drives us to do is to withdraw, to hide from the pain and the mistakes.

Everyone lives with some degree of regret in their lives, whether it is regretting hurting someone's feelings or the loss of a friendship or a lie or any number of other things.

If you regret doing something, do you automatically deserve forgiveness, just because you wish you hadn't done it? Or is forgiveness something that needs to be worked for, something that can't be gained by a single emotion?

How do we forgive?

What if we regret forgiveness left ungranted?

And what's left for us if we do?//

****

Kamui knew there was something wrong from the minute that the first bell rang. He and Fuuma were just standing outside the school, and they suddenly looked at each other.

"Where d'you think they are?" Fuuma asked.

"They probably just had too much fun last night and overslept," Kamui said, but neither of them believed it. "Come on, we'll be late for homeroom."

The two of them trudged into the classroom. Seconds before the class started, Subaru walked in and slid into his seat.

"Ohayo," Kamui said hesitantly.

"Ohayo," Subaru said. He looked angry about something.

"Seishirou wa?" Kamui asked, even more hesitantly.

Subaru muttered somethiing that Kamui couldn't hear. He was about to ask again when the door opened and Keichii came in. He took attendance briefly, then started class.

Seishirou walked in a few minutes late and handed Keichii a note, then took his seat.

Kamui and Fuuma both stared. Seishirou looked like hell on earth. He had been looking worse and worse all week, but this was by far the most terrible they'd ever seen. His skin was paler than ever and his eyes were actually red from lack of sleep, with dark circles under them. But what it was, Kamui realized after a minute, was his untidiness. Seishirou, even at his most tired, always appeared impeccable. But today his hair was tangled and disheveled, and his clothes wrinkled, as if he'd slept in what he'd been wearing the day before.

Seishirou didn't look at either of them as they stared. He shot a quick glance at Subaru, then looked away as if he'd been burned.

The morning classes dragged on at an agonizingly slow pace. Kamui was nearly ready to burst by the time they ended. Subaru got up without a word and left the classroom. Kamui tried to catch Seishirou's eye, but he too left without saying anything.

The two of them went down to the tree where they normally ate and waited, but neither of them showed up.

"This isn't good," Fuuma said. "Should we look for them?"

"I think we'd better."

They found Seishirou sitting under a different tree in a more isolated part of the schoolyard, smoking a cigarette. "Are you okay?" Kamui asked, concerned.

"Eh?" Seishirou blinked up at them. "Oh, it's you . . . I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," Kamui said flatly. "You look terrible."

"Funny the way that works out." Seishirou's eyes closed.

"Go home and get some rest," Kamui said.

"I would've just stayed home," Seishirou said. "But I wanted to see him . . ."

"Subaru?" Kamui guessed.

"Aa."

"What happened?" Kamui sat down on the grass next to Seishirou; Fuuma followed suit.

"We went to the park . . . I know you told us not to, but it was driving me crazy, and I knew you were never going to find any way to fix it. You only said you'd try to make us feel better. So we went. And there was the Tree."

Kamui felt the bottom drop out of his stomach. "Your memories . . .?" he whispered.

Seishirou nodded.

Kamui forced himself to say it. "And your position?"

"It's mine again." Seishirou rubbed his eyes. "I took it for him. Because it was supposed to be Subaru-kun's, but the Tree said I could take it if I wanted. I took it so Subaru-kun wouldn't have to." He was starting to lean sideways a little.

"Seishirou, go home," Kamui said.

"No . . . can't. Today's my last day, and I want to be around Subaru-kun as long as I can, even if he hates me now."

Kamui examined this statement and found it wholly unsatisfactory. "Why is today your last day?" he finally asked, leaving the other half of it for later.

Seishirou laughed a little. "Kamui-kun, the Sakurazukamori makes loads of money. It's one of the highest-paying government jobs in the country. I don't need to keep going to school, and frankly, I won't have time if I'm staying up all night doing the job. The Tree's been starving for over seventeen years; it's going to take a lot of effort to get it back to normal."

As much as Kamui didn't want to admit it, this made sense. "Then what about Subaru?"

Seishirou laughed briefly. "What about him?"

"Why does he hate you?"

"Because I'm the Sakurazukamori, of course. I killed his sister and tried to kill him, I destroyed his innocence and broke his heart, I forced him to stay in love with me long after he hated me."

"But that wasn't you, that was last time," Kamui said urgently.

"Doesn't matter," Seishirou said. "He doesn't care. He can't forgive. And why should he? After everything I did to him . . ."

"He should forgive you because you love him," Kamui said sharply. "Look, I'll talk to him -- "

"No!" Seishirou's eyes snapped open.

Kamui blinked.

"Leave him alone, Kamui." Seishirou looked away. "It's his decision. If he wants to hate me, that's his right. I don't want to interfere with his life anymore. I don't want to force him to forgive me -- if I do, it won't mean anything."

"But this . . ." Kamui was running out of ideas. "But how can you waste your second chance like this?"

Seishirou sighed, standing up. "He has a second chance to be happy. And that's good. I'm glad. And I have another life to watch him be happy. This is my penance, Kamui, and it's what I deserve."

"Subaru can't be happy without you," Kamui said. "I know that better than anyone. I was perfect for him, but he still wanted you more. He needs you."

Seishirou shook his head. "No. He doesn't. He just thinks he does."

He walked away. Kamui opened his mouth to say something, but Fuuma's hand on his arm stopped him.

Kamui turned to look at him.

"Let's find Subaru," Fuuma suggested.

Kamui nodded, his eyes narrowed.

Subaru had gone out to the archery field, shooting arrow after arrow. Kamui and Fuuma watched for a while, then Kamui said, "Hey."

"What do you want?" Subaru snapped.

"I need to talk to you," Kamui said.

Subaru put down the bow. "Whatever it is, I probably don't want to hear it."

"Scratch the probably," Kamui said dryly. "You know today is Seishirou's last day, right?"

"Didn't know and don't care," Subaru said.

"So you're just going to let him walk out of your life?" Kamui asked.

"I'm not letting him. I'm making him." Subaru's face softened a little. "Kamui, don't you see, it's better this way. If I can't forgive him it's better to just let it go."

"You love him," Kamui said flatly. "And he loves you."

"Kamui, I -- "

"He loves you," Kamui said louder, overriding what Subaru was saying. "All your last life, all you ever wanted was for him to love you and now he does and you're throwing it away! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Subaru stopped, blinking at him.

"What, did you miss that?" Kamui asked. "Did you not notice that he was in love with you? Or do you think it all went away because he's the Sakurazukamori again?"

"Don't talk about what you don't understand," Subaru ground out. "You don't know what he did to me."

"Oh, don't I?" Kamui asked softly. "Don't you remember the last night you were alive? I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't -- you sure as hell probably don't want to."

Subaru paused, uncertain again.

"You don't remember me finding you in Ueno Park after six months?" Kamui asked. "You don't remember me taking you home and taking care of you, because you were so shell-shocked you could barely remember your own name?" He had started to yell. "You don't remember telling me every God damned thing Seishirou had ever done to you?"

Subaru stared at him.

"I know, Subaru, I know everything that ever happened between the two of you. You'd never told anyone and you were desperate for someone to tell you that it wasn't wrong, that loving him wasn't something to be ashamed of, and you talked and I listened. You don't remember any of it? You don't remember what happened afterwards, either, I'll bet -- you were certainly eager enough to pretend it had never happened the next morning."

"We . . . we didn't . . ." Subaru said weakly.

"Damn right we didn't," Kamui shot back. "And we didn't because I had just enough sense to stop it. Subaru, you weren't even seeing me. All you wanted was him. And now you've got him and you're throwing him away. And not only that, but you went and ripped him to shreds before you left. That's good, Subaru, that's real good. Remind me to shake your hand when I can bring myself to touch you again."

Subaru looked at him furiously. "I thought you'd understand," he said in a low voice.

"Understand what?!" Kamui asked, his voice shaking. "That you're too petty to forgive and forget? That you can't distinguish the then from the now? That you don't realize that the Seishirou from last time and the Seishirou from this time are two entirely different people? Oh, I understand all right. I understand perfectly. I just hope you don't expect me to start shunning Seishirou just because you don't feel like dealing with him."

The bell rang, signifying the end of lunch.

"Do you know why we all got this second chance, Subaru?" Kamui asked. "We got it because Fuuma and I wanted it that way. And I can tell you that we sure as hell didn't want this. So get over yourself, and stop being an ass."

He turned to go.

"He doesn't love me," Subaru said angrily. "If he loved me he wouldn't have become Sakurazukamori again!"

Kamui stopped dead in his tracks and turned around. To Subaru's surprise, the anger had gone out of his face and he simply looked at Subaru for a long moment with sorrow in his eyes.

"You really don't understand anything, do you," he said sadly. Then he sighed. "C'mon, Fuuma -- we're going to be late to class."

Subaru watched them go, watched Fuuma wrap an arm around Kamui's shoulders to comfort him, watched until they had disappeared until the building.

Then he went home.

****

"Oi, where have you been all day?" Hokuto asked, coming out to face her brother as he walked up the front steps. "Kamui-chan called and said you left school early, and your backpack was here but you weren't anywhere and . . ."

She trailed off.

"AND WHEN?!" she screeched. "DID YOU START SMOKING?!"

Subaru looked up sullenly and tossed the cigarette to the ground, then stubbed it out with his heel. "An hour ago," he snapped.

She glared daggers at him. "Why?"

"Because I felt like it." He tried to get into the house, but she blocked his way.

"Subaru, it's ten o'clock at night and you've been missing since noon, you come home looking terrible and smoking and you smell like cigarettes and Kamui was worried and I was really really worried and I WANT AN EXPLANATION!"

"I'll give you one if you let me in the house," he retorted.

She paused, then stood back to let him in. "I made you dinner," she said.

"I'm not hungry."

"You'll eat it anyway." She propelled him into the kitchen, sat him down, and put the food in front of him.

He stared at it.

"Now tell me where you've been all day," she said.

"Just walking around."

"For ten hours?"

"I guess I was sitting around for some of it, too," he replied.

Hokuto thudded into a chair. "Eat your dinner."

"I'm. Not. Hungry."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I want to go to bed."

"This is about Sei-chan, isn't it."

"How can you call him that?" Subaru looked up, suddenly furious. "How can you use that suffix with him? You barely even know him."

She blinked. "Subaru, I use this suffix with all your friends."

"Well, he's not my friend anymore, so stop it." Subaru stood up, leaving his dinner untouched. "I'm going to bed."

"What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I'm going to bed."

"Subaru -- "

"I'm going. To. Bed. Now leave me alone." Subaru shouldered past her and up the stairs, slamming his door before she could get another word out.

He threw himself down on his bed fully clothed and closed his eyes, waiting for sleep.

****

Kamui was good and miserable by the time he got home from school. He and Fuuma offered to stay with Seishirou, but Seishirou smiled wanly, thanked them both, and said he had business to attend to. They were both smart enough to not ask what this business was.

He and Fuuma adjourned to the Shirou house and hid in his room. Kamui called to see if Subaru had gotten home all right, but nobody answered. He left a brief message, then hung up.

At ten fifteen, the phone rang. Kamui leapt to get it before his mother could, so she wouldn't yell at him for friends calling too late. "Hai, Shirou desu," he said anxiously.

"Kamui-chan?" Hokuto's bright voice, sounding somewhat less bright than usual, asked. "It's Hokuto."

"Is Subaru all right?" Kamui asked, trying not to sound too worried.

She cleared her throat. "Define 'all right.'"

Kamui winced. "Let's start with living and breathing."

"Then yes, he's fine."

"And otherwise?"

"Maybe you'd better tell me what happened. Because after being gone for ten hours, he comes home smoking a cigarette, offers no explanation of what happened or where he's been, refuses to eat, yells at me about how I shouldn't call Sei-chan that, and storms off to bed."

"Great," Kamui said. "Well, the short story is that he and Seishirou had a really big fight."

"I gathered that much. Do you know what it was about?"

Kamui paused. "I know, but I really can't tell you. Sorry."

"It's okay. Can you summarize?"

"Seishirou did something he shouldn't have, but it really wasn't his fault, and now Subaru's really mad at him and Seishirou is moping terribly."

Hokuto paused at this. "So it's not really Seishirou's fault?"

"No. Subaru took it really badly."

"No offense, but he didn't seem too pleased with you, either. At least, he didn't care that he'd worried you."

Kamui sighed. "I'm not surprised. I got pretty angry with him for what he'd said to Seishirou and said some pretty nasty things of my own."

"So now all three of you are mad at each other?" Hokuto asked.

"Well, no, Seishirou and I are still friends," Kamui said wearily.

"Wonderful," Hokuto said dryly.

"Look, you don't have to tell me that this is a huge mess," Kamui said irritably.

"Can you try to patch things up between them in school tomorrow?"

"Seishirou isn't going to be in school tomorrow," Kamui said, deciding not to mention that this was going to be a permanent thing. "I'll try to patch things up with Subaru tomorrow, but I don't guarantee it'll work. But I won't be by in the morning to walk to school with him . . . that would just be asking for trouble."

"Okay. I'll tell him. Hopefully I'll be able to drag him out of bed in the morning." Hokuto paused, then said, "He seems really mad at Seishirou . . ."

"I know, but I don't believe for a second that he can last without him for more than a week," Kamui said. "I'll do my best to fix it. Maybe you can get Subaru to explain what happened."

"Okay. Thanks, Kamui-chan."

"No problem. Oyasumi."

"Oyasumi."

Kamui hung up the phone and looked at Fuuma, wiping the tears off his cheeks. "I made a real mess of things, didn't I," he said miserably.

Fuuma sighed. "Well, yeah, but I don't think you made the situation any worse. In fact . . . no, never mind."

"What?" Kamui asked.

"It's nothing."

"Yeah, right. What?"

Fuuma looked away. "I'm just glad . . . because I half-expected that if Subaru and Seishirou ever had this problem . . . Subaru would come running to you, and you would . . ." He stopped.

Kamui sighed. "Fuuma, I . . ." He also stopped. There really wasn't much he could say to that. A part of him was hoping that Subaru would come to him. But another part of him didn't. "I won't lie and say I would be horrified if he did," he finally said. "But if he did, I wouldn't take him up on the offer," he said, more firmly. "Because it wouldn't last." He wanted to say more, maybe something about how that wasn't really what he wanted anymore, but the words caught in his throat. He didn't want to promise Fuuma too much, for fear of never being able to give it to him.

"Don't worry about it," Fuuma said with a small smile. "It was stupid of me to worry about it."

"I don't blame you," Kamui said with a sigh. "Especially after what I said to Subaru this afternoon."

Fuuma looked away.

"Fuuma, I'm sorry," Kamui said softly. "I should have told you what happened. You . . . you need to know . . ."

"You lied to him today, didn't you," Fuuma said, staring steadfastly at anywhere but Kamui.

Kamui nodded, trying desperately to hold back tears. "If he doesn't remember, I don't want him to . . . I want to pretend it never happened . . . he was certainly willing to pretend it hadn't happened anyway . . ."

Fuuma reached out and wiped the tears off Kamui's cheeks. "Why?" he asked quietly.

"Why . . .?" Kamui let out a soft breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Because I thought it would help. Because I thought it might make him forget about Seishirou, if only for a few minutes." He paused, then added in a voice that was barely a whisper, "Because I needed him so much that I didn't care whether or not he loved me."

"Did it help?" Fuuma asked.

Kamui let out a bitter laugh that was half a sob. "Of course not. He killed himself the next day, after all."

Fuuma reached out hesitantly and smoothed Kamui's hair. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Why are you sorry?" Kamui asked, rubbing his eyes and trying to swallow the lump in his throat. "It wasn't your fault."

"I know it's not my fault," Fuuma said. "I'm not apologizing, I'm just . . . sorry. Because I don't like watching you be hurt."

Kamui sniffled. "Aren't you mad?"

Fuuma sighed. "I'm not mad, Kamui. You loved Subaru, and you certainly didn't think I was ever coming back. Don't worry."

"But -- "

"I said don't worry about it," Fuuma said, lifting his hand to caress Kamui's cheek. "I trust you."

Kamui managed a wan smile. "Do you think it's going to be okay, Fuuma?"

Fuuma paused. "I don't know," he said. "I really don't."

****

Hokuto looked at the clock, pursed her lips in irritation, and climbed the stairs. "Subaru?" She knocked on the door. "Subaru, are you up?" She knocked louder. Still no answer. She let out an explosive sigh, pushed the door open, and went in.

Subaru was out cold, lying flat on his stomach with his face pressed against the pillow. He was still fully dressed, and his clothes were rumpled.

"C'mon, Subaru," Hokuto said, shaking him by the shoulder.

His eyes cracked open; they were red and a little puffy from crying. "What . . .?" he mumbled.

"Morning. School. Up," Hokuto simplified.

"Oh God . . ." Subaru closed his eyes again. He had a vague idea that he'd only been asleep for about a half an hour; he had spent most of the night staring miserably at the ceiling. "Neesan, I don't feel very good . . ."

She crossed her arms and looked at him suspiciously. "Not good how?"

"'M tired . . . didn't get to sleep 'till really late . . . head aches and stomach aches . . . lemme 'lone . . ."

She sighed. "Subaru, I'm not going to let you stay home all day and mope about Seishirou."

Subaru tried to stop himself from thinking about Seishirou, but it was no good. Images and memories from both lifetimes washed over him -- being held by Seishirou, his unique scent of blood, cigarettes, and books, fleeting kisses and lingering pain --

"Oh, God, I'm going to throw up." Subaru sat up and fumbled for the trash can, managed to find it, and was violently ill.

Hokuto paled. "Subaru-chan . . ." She sat on the bed next to him, smoothing his hair and waiting for him to finish. When he was done, she took the trash can and set it on the floor as he burst into tears. Hokuto pulled him into her arms, holding him tightly as he buried his face in her shoulder and sobbed.

"I'm sorry," she said when he was done. "I didn't think you were really sick. It's probably because of all the cigarettes and no food, you know," she admonished gently.

"Mmph," Subaru said into her shoulder.

She helped him lie down again. "I'll be right back." She bustled from the room and came back a few seconds later with a thermometer. "Take your temperature. I'm going to clean out the trash can and make you some tea and toast."

Subaru nodded obediently.

When she came back a few minutes later with a tray of tea and dry toast, he offered her the thermometer.

"You've got a fever, kiddo," she said, smoothing his hair. "Eat your toast. I'm going to go call the school and tell them you'll be staying home."

She went downstairs and did so, then dialed Kamui's number.

Kamui picked up. "Shirou desu."

"Oi, Kamui-chan, it's Hokuto. Subaru won't be in school today."

"Really? Why not?" Kamui sounded half-worried, half-suspicious.

"He's sick. And he's not just moping; he's got a fever and he threw up. I think he might be moping himself into being sick, but there's not much I can do about that."

"Okay. Do you think he'd mind if I came over after school?"

"I think he'd like that," Hokuto said.

"Okay. I'll see you later. Thanks for letting me know."

Hokuto said goodbye and hung up the phone, then called in sick to work. When she went back upstairs, Subaru had finished his tea, but only nibbled at the toast. "You need to eat that," she said.

"I tried. It made me feel worse."

Hokuto sighed. "Okay. Change into your pajamas -- you're ruining a perfectly good school uniform with wrinkles. Then get back into bed and take a nap. I'll be up to check on you later."

He simply nodded.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday," she said after a second. "And I'm sorry about Seishirou."

"Don't worry about it," Subaru murmured. "I just want some sleep."

She nodded, kissed his forehead, and left the room.

****

::Seishirou, damn it, will you please go home and get some sleep?::

"I would if I could," Seishirou replied. "But seeing as when I try, I stare up at my ceiling and feel worse than ever, I'd prefer to distract myself."

::Well, fine, but you are taking a nap before you go out tonight, if I have to knock you unconscious myself.::

::Please do,:: Seishirou replied, reverting back into thought voice. ::Trust me, I wouldn't mind a bit.::

Pause. A sigh. ::Seishirou, you've got to stop this.::

::Stop what?::

::Moping like this. You're intolerable.::

::Easier said than done, my friend.:: It was odd, Seishirou reflected. The Tree truly had been a friend in his last lifetime, and the two of them had fallen back into their old roles as easy as breathing. It was almost, he thought, part of the reason why he hadn't been willing to let the Tree die. The Tree didn't have a soul, precisely, but it had a personality, and Seishirou realized that he hadn't wanted the Tree to just disappear.

Never mind all the magical havoc it would have caused . . .

::Seishirou, you're falling over.::

Seishirou caught himself against the Tree's trunk as he started to fall asleep on his feet. ::Yes, yes I am. And I'll stop moping when I'm good and ready.::

The Tree sighed. ::Walking into things isn't going to bring him back.::

::I know that,:: Seishirou replied sharply. ::Nothing's going to bring him back. I know I got what I deserved, just give me a week to get over it, okay?::

There was a pause. ::You truly love him, don't you.::

::Of course I do. Would I be moping like this if I didn't?::

::No. It's just, last time, I was never really certain if you loved him as a person or a plaything.::

Seishirou moaned, leaning against the Tree. ::I don't know what I was thinking. Or what I was doing. Or anything. I think I would cheerfully die to rewrite just one year of my last life.::

::But you can't. What's done is done.::

::Thank you, Socrates. Do you want dinner or not?::

::Don't threaten me with food. You'd hardly let me starve after giving the Sumeragi up to save me.::

Seishirou glared at it. ::I wasn't expecting to have to give Subaru-kun up, thanks.::

::Look, Seishirou -- if you truly love him, and I know he truly loves you, then just give it some time. He'll come around.::

::I deserve what I'm getting, though.::

::I don't care if you think you deserve it or not. If I have to put up with you being like this all the time, I'll kill you myself. Now go home and go to bed.::

::Yes, sir,:: Seishirou thought sarcastically, saluted, and left the park.

****

//in their dreams, they certainly don't remember every minute. they only remember the important ones. one second can destroy a lifetime, it can kill, it can break a heart or shatter a dream. one second is all it takes, and sometimes a lifetime is required to fix the damage caused by one word or decision. sometimes regret can't exist due to pride, sometimes despair banishes hope.

sometimes a second can influence a lifetime; sometimes a second can last a lifetime.//

****