Warnings: Angst, angst, more angst, Seishirou being maybe a bit OOC, but it's AU so I can do that, and lemon. Yeah, lemon. ::sigh:: Subaru/Seishirou fans beware. I refuse to accept responsibilty for this chapter.

Part Fifteen

//The root of the word 'desperation', of course, comes from despair. Desperation perhaps signifies a surrender to despair, a sinking into hopelessness. It is grasping at straws, it is casting about for some sort of life preserver when you already know there is none to be found.

Desperation can cause us to be irrational, to be cruel, to be what many people would term insane.

It distorts reality the way despair distorts reality, in much the same way. Only with despair, everything is always hopeless, and desperation is worse, because it causes people to grasp at hope that isn't really there. They find something to change and go about it with abandon, beliving that this will make it better, that this will make everything all right . . .

And as one thing fails, and then another, and then another, they sink lower into despair and get more and more irrational.

They don't care who they hurt.

They don't care what it takes.

They are aware of only one thing.

This will make everything all right . . .//

****

"Well, what do you think?" Fuuma asked as he and Kamui left school. "Subaru's first, or Seishirou's?"

Kamui considered. "Let's go see Seishirou first. That way maybe we can go see Subaru armed with some images of Seishirou being horribly depressed."

Fuuma rolled his eyes, but agreed. The two of them walked over to Seishirou's house and knocked on the door.

There was a long pause before Seishirou dragged himself to the door. "Ohayo," he mumbled.

"It's quarter past four, Seishirou," Kamui said.

Seishirou yawned. "That early? I didn't get to bed 'til past dawn, you know . . . and I had a very tiring night."

"Oh?" Kamui asked, stepping inside as Seishirou opened the door wider to let them in.

"Mm." Seishirou nodded a little. "Would you two like tea?"

"Sure. Thanks."

The three of them settled around the table.

"How's Subaru-kun?" Seishirou asked quietly.

"Sick," Kamui said. "I haven't seen him yet today. Hokuto said he's not faking to avoid us, though."

Seishirou looked worried for a second, then his face went back to being calm.

"How are you?" Fuuma asked.

"Me?" Seishirou looked surprised that they were even asking. "I'm all right. I'm coping, anyway."

Kamui looked rather skeptical at this. "You don't look that great."

"Yes, well, with you two around to be mother hens, I'm sure I'll recover with all due speed," Seishirou replied, a hint of impatience in his voice. "I'm fine, or at least as fine as can be expected under the circumstances."

Fuuma hesitated, then asked, "How did it go last night?"

Seishirou raised an eyebrow at him.

"You said you had a tiring night," Fuuma said. "I'm assuming you meant you had your first job."

"Nothing gets by you," Seishirou remarked dryly.

Kamui reminded himself forcibly that Seishirou was having a rough time and ought to be given some slack and that he did not want to dump his tea all over Seishirou's shirt. "Then how did it go?"

"The job itself went quite well, thank you for asking," Seishirou said. Then a frown crossed his face and he said, "You stay out of this."

Kamui and Fuuma both blinked.

"Sorry," Seishirou said. "The Tree. Anyway."

"What did the Tree say?" Kamui asked, rather intrigued by this.

"Nothing," Seishirou insisted through clenched teeth.

"Seishirou, what aren't you telling us?" Fuuma asked.

Seishirou sighed. "If you two are really that nosy, the Tree was making a snide comment about how of course the job went fine, never mind the fact that I nearly had a nervous breakdown afterwards."

Kamui raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not used to being a murderer," Seishirou snapped. "And it doesn't matter if they deserve it. I'm still ending a human life and them having deserved it doesn't make me feel any better about it."

Kamui reflected for a second that he wished Subaru could hear this. Then he asked, as gently as he could, "Are you okay?"

"No," Seishirou said flatly. "No, I'm not okay, and it doesn't help that I have to go out and do it again tonight and I don't have any choice in the damned matter." He pressed both his hands against his face and drew in a shuddering breath. "I thought I could do this," he said, his voice muffled. "I didn't have any trouble last time."

"Well, your upbringing was different last time, wasn't it?" Fuuma asked.

Seishirou nodded faintly. "I'm sure that accounts for most of it, but . . . I still don't know how I did it. And then not just to people who deserved it, but other people . . . children even . . . just thinking about what I was makes me feel sick . . ."

Kamui wished even more that Subaru was there, then irritably banished the thought. The perpetually calm and collected Sakurazuka Seishirou was practically having a nervous breakdown on his kitchen table, and all Kamui could think was that someone else was there to witness it.

Unfortunately, he didn't know how to go about fixing this.

"Kamui," Fuuma said gently, "why don't you go over and see Subaru? Let me talk to Seishirou for a while."

Kamui looked between the two of them, and nodded slightly. This was something Fuuma would understand, that Kamui knew he never could. "Yeah," he said. "I'll go. I hope you feel better soon, Seishirou."

"Thanks," Seishirou said, his voice muffled by the fact that he was resting his face against the table.

"I'll call you later," he told Fuuma, and turned to leave.

Fuuma waited until Kamui had shut the door behind him, then looked back at Seishirou. "Have you eaten today?" he asked quietly.

Seishirou blinked up at him, this having obviously not occurred to him. "No," he finally said. "No, I guess I haven't."

"Did you eat yesterday?" Fuuma asked, a little more severely.

Seishirou frowned, then nodded. "I had dinner. The Tree reminded me."

"Handy, that." Fuuma pushed back from the table and opened the fridge, in search of leftovers. He found a few tupperware dishes and had a meal sitting in front of Seishirou within minutes. "Go ahead and eat."

Seishirou poked at it unenthusiastically.

Silence sat heavily in the apartment.

"I know how you feel," Fuuma finally said.

"No you don't," Seishirou said sharply. "You were being controlled. You weren't responsible for your actions."

Fuuma sighed. "I didn't say our circumstances were exactly the same. Yes, I was being controlled. But that didn't mean I couldn't see what was happening. I had to watch while I tortured the person I loved, while I killed my own sister. And I couldn't do anything about any of it. Just because I never killed anyone of my own volition doesn't mean I don't understand what it's like to hate yourself."

Seishirou laughed softly.

"It's different this time," Fuuma said. "You have to reconcile the old with the new. I'm not the same person I was in my last life, not even the same person I was before it all happened. I'm somewhere in between. And that's what you have to be too. You can't just pick up where you left off before you got your memory back -- but you can't just become who you were last time."

"Easier said than done," Seishirou said. "When I don't even understand who I was."

"You were a murderer, Seishirou," Fuuma said, and watched him flinch. "You were a cold-blooded murderer. You have to accept that."

Seishirou's fists clenched. "And how am I supposed to be the Sakurazukamori without turning into that again?"

"Well, you could start by avoiding children," Fuuma said dryly. "You'll never be the emotionless killer you were then. You may be able to kill, but you'll always feel remorse afterwards, and that's something you never did before."

"It was easier without that," Seishirou said.

"Of course it was," Fuuma said. "But would it really be better to go back to being that way?"

"No." Seishirou shook his head. "Of course not."

"You just have to accept it, Seishirou. Your role is necessary. Everyone's role is always necessary. You have to forgive yourself, the way I learned to."

Seishirou shook his head again. "I can't," he whispered.

Fuuma looked at him. "Because Subaru won't forgive you?"

Seishirou didn't reply.

"I needed Kamui to forgive me before I could forgive myself," Fuuma said. "It's natural, really."

"But Kamui did forgive you," Seishirou said.

"Yeah. And Subaru will forgive you, if you give him some time."

"But it wasn't really you," Seishirou said insistently. "Of course Kamui could forgive you. You weren't the one who deserved his hatred. But I am." He seemed to wilt a little. "I don't deserve to be forgiven."

"Everyone deserves forgiveness, Seishirou," Fuuma said quietly.

"But not from Subaru. He won't forgive me."

"Then he doesn't deserve you," Fuuma replied.

Seishirou blinked at him.

"If he really loves you, he will forgive you," Fuuma said. "And if he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve how much you love him."

Seishirou closed his eyes. "I wish I could believe that."

"For now, just think about it," Fuuma said. "Now finish eating, then you should take another nap if you're going out again tonight."

"I don't think I can," Seishirou said, shaking his head. "I don't even have a job tonight, I just need to find someone deserving enough so I can help the Tree get its energy back . . ." He closed his eyes for a minute, then opened them with a look of profound relief.

"What?" Fuuma asked.

"The Tree says to rest tonight and feed it tomorrow. It doesn't want me getting myself killed."

Fuuma laughed. "Good. Now get some rest."

Seishirou nodded, eating a few more bites of his food and then putting the plate aside. "Yeah. I will. And . . . thanks. For everything."

****

"I think he's awake," Hokuto said, shooing Kamui up the stairs. "But don't stay too long, because he needs to get his rest!"

"Hai, hai," Kamui replied with a sigh. He knocked gently on Subaru's door, and upon receiving no answer, walked in. "Konnichi wa," he said, hovering uncertainly in the doorway.

Subaru glanced up. The Sumeragi was pale, with dark circles under his eyes. "Come to make me feel worse?" he asked softly.

"Of course not," Kamui said with a sigh. "Can I come in?"

"If you want."

Kamui sighed again and walked in, shutting the door behind him. "Subaru, I'm sorry for yesterday. I said some things I really shouldn't have said. I was overly cruel. I just don't want to see the two of you . . . lose each other. Not after you came this far to be together."

"How can I be with a murderer, Kamui?" Subaru asked softly.

"He's not a murderer by his choice," Kamui replied.

"He didn't have to -- "

"Subaru, are you blind or just stupid?" Kamui asked, exasperated. "Here are the choices he had. One: Let the Tree make you the Sakurazukamori and watch you have a nervous breakdown. Two: shoulder the responsibility himself at the risk of you hating him afterwards. They weren't exactly great choices; he did what he thought was right!"

"He didn't have to," Subaru insisted. "He could have just let it die."

Kamui paused. "He didn't tell you."

Subaru blinked at him. "Tell me what?"

"That wasn't a choice," Kamui said. "You were the rightful inheritor of the position. The Tree could have bonded to you against your will. Seishirou said the Tree told him that -- that it didn't tell you because it didn't want you to panic. So he had to make the choice, and he did."

"But . . ." Subaru looked lost. "Why didn't he . . ."

"I'm guessing that he tried, and you wouldn't listen," Kamui said flatly.

Subaru looked away.

Kamui, sensing that he was making progress, continued. "I was just over there, you know. He's in pretty rough shape. Without all the training, he really isn't used to being the Sakurazukamori, and I think his nightmares are giving him hell. I'm not sure if he'd eaten anything, either."

"Shut up," Subaru snapped. "I don't want to hear about how miserable he is."

"Then what do you want to hear, Subaru?" Kamui asked. "I'm not going to tell you that I think you were right. I'm not going to say I'm sorry for you just because you've made yourself sick with this. You brought this on yourself."

"How can you expect me to forgive him?" Subaru half-yelled. "It wouldn't be so easy if you were me."

"I forgave Fuuma," Kamui said calmly. "Do you know, it was weeks before he could touch me without me having flashbacks?"

Subaru looked away. "But Fuuma wasn't . . . it wasn't actually him doing all those things."

Kamui sighed. "It doesn't matter. If you really loved Seishirou, you would forgive him."

Subaru gave him a sharp look. "Do you love Fuuma?"

Kamui looked at his hands. "I don't know."

"Kamui . . ." Subaru said quietly. "I'm sorry about . . . about last time. If I'd been thinking, I . . ."

Kamui stood up. "I have to go," he said abruptly. He looked down at Subaru and his face softened. "I know what you're going to say, Subaru. And you don't need to say it. I don't want your apologies. You did what you did because you love Seishirou. Now just do me one favor and don't let that go to waste."

He turned and left the room.

****

Kamui trudged home, waved off his mother's concerns, spent a brief period of time on the phone with Fuuma, waded through his homework, and went to bed early.

****

Subaru grudgingly let Hokuto make him some soup and bully him into eating all of it, asked her for a cigarette and pouted when she wouldn't let him have one, and finally managed to fall asleep.

****

//"Subaru. Subaru . . ."

A voice. Coming through what seemed like twenty feet of water, maybe more. Fuzzy. Dull in his ears.

"Subaru, please wake up . . ."

He opened his eyes.

They were inches away from Kamui's. The younger boy was bent over him, shaking him gently. He looked surprised when Subaru looked up at him, then thrilled. "You're awake!"

Subaru tried to sit up, but he felt dizzy and allowed Kamui to push him back down onto the bed. "Where . . .?"

"Don't try to move," Kamui said. "I don't think you've eaten in days. You're home. Now drink this."

He held a cup of tea at Subaru's lips and the Sumeragi drank obediently. "What . . . month is it?" he finally asked.

"December," Kamui answered. His voice was steady, but his hands shook a little. He picked up a small bowl of rice and handed it to Subaru. "Eat that."

Subaru obeyed. "How did you find me?"

"Just . . . had a feeling," Kamui answered, looking away. "The others have been teaching me . . . how to feel their presences within me. Since I'm the Kamui. Today I thought I should try with you. You were in Ueno Park . . . not asleep, but . . . almost delirious. You passed out just after I found you, and we brought you back here. You've been sleeping for about four hours."

The last few months were nothing but a blur to Subaru. He shook the thought off. "I'm sorry for worrying you."

Kamui shrugged.

Subaru ate his rice in silence, then put the dish on the side table. "Gochishosama," he said quietly.

Kamui picked up the bowl. "You should rest some more," he said, and left the room without another word.

Subaru closed his eyes and slept.

When he woke up again, the house was dark and silent. He shivered a little, getting out of bed. He felt steadier physically now that he'd gotten some rest and some food, but emotionally he still felt like a stiff wind would knock him over.

He padded softly through the house, getting some more tea from the kitchen. He didn't want to sleep; there were far too many dreams. A quick exploration and he found that the light in Kamui's room was still on even though it was well past midnight. He knocked softly on the door.

"Go away, Sorata," Kamui called.

Subaru smiled a little and pushed the door open.

"I said -- oh. It's you." Kamui was sitting in bed, reading, with only a bedside lamp on. He put the book down. "Come in. I thought you were asleep."

"I was." Subaru came in and closed the door after himself, sitting on the edge of Kamui's bed. "I just don't sleep very well anymore. I thought . . . I guess I wanted to talk."

Kamui looked at him for a long second. "I'm glad you're back," he finally said. "Where have you been, anyway?"

"I don't really remember," Subaru said with a sigh. "It's all pretty vague."

"You're . . ." Kamui stopped, not wanting to say it.

"I haven't been off killing people, if that's what you're trying to ask," Subaru said dryly. "The Tree is . . . not really what I expected. But I still won't."

"Well." Kamui looked away. "That's good."

"How have things been for you?" Subaru asked.

"Terrible," Kamui answered flatly. "Things blowing up all over the place, one of us nearly getting killed almost every other day, my former best friend trying to sexually harrass me at random intervals. No different than before you left, really."

"I'm sorry for that," Subaru said quietly.

"No, you aren't." Kamui rubbed his eyes wearily. "You don't regret leaving. You wish we'd never found you; that we'd let you die in peace. I know you better than that, Subaru."

Subaru just looked away.

"Subaru," Kamui said insistently, "you have to let him go."

Subaru flinched.

"He's dead, Subaru."

"I'm aware of that," Subaru replied sharply.

"Then why can't you let it go?" Kamui asked. "Subaru, look at yourself, you're barely even alive, you're a walking shadow! You need to take care of yourself, you need to stop moping around over him!"

"I loved him," Subaru said helplessly, his hands clenching down in Kamui's blankets.

"How do you know?" Kamui asked. "You were trying to kill him. I know you loved him when you were a kid, but you'd barely seen him since then and -- "

"I was sleeping with him."

Kamui stopped.

"I was." Tears started to drip down Subaru's face. "I couldn't help myself. I loved him that much. I needed him that much. I knew I should say no but I couldn't."

Kamui tried to speak, but there seemed to be a boulder lodged in his throat and he couldn't manage to get any words past it.

"He wouldn't ever spend the night, though." Subaru pressed his hands against his face. "He didn't care. I was just sex to him. That was all." He let out a shuddering sob into his hands.

"Subaru . . ." Kamui finally managed to find his voice. "I'm sure that wasn't . . ."

One look from Subaru stopped him.

"Since when?" Kamui asked.

"Just after . . . I met you. The night of Kotori's funeral. That was the first night he came to me. I tried to say no. I really did." Subaru started to cry again. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Kamui moved so he was sitting next to Subaru, drawing the shaking Sumeragi into his arms. "Why are you apologizing?" he asked.

"Because it's wrong," Subaru said through his tears. "It was wrong to love him, I know that, but I just couldn't stop no matter what I tried . . . even killing him didn't make me stop loving him . . ." He started to babble, words spilling from his lips, tripping over each other in their haste to be heard. He had never told anyone what had happened between himself and Seishirou; now he found himself telling Kamui everything, every time they'd met, everything he'd ever felt and everything Seishirou had ever done.

Finally, he trailed into dismal silence with a choked sob.

"Subaru, no one can help who they love," Kamui said, running gentle fingers through his friend's hair. "It's just something that happens."

"It wasn't, though," Subaru said. "I didn't have to keep letting him come, but I did. We just had the night before . . ." He dissolved into tears. "I made him do it, I made him let me kill him. I made him stay the night and then left before he was awake. I made him; it's all my fault."

Kamui took a minute to process this. "Subaru, that doesn't make sense. You said he didn't love you at all; why would he care if you left him there to wake up alone?"

"I don't know but that has to be it . . ." Subaru sniffled.

"Subaru, be reasonable," Kamui said.

Subaru pulled out of his arms. "What do you know?" he asked, still speaking in a low voice so as not to wake anyone else. "You don't know what it's like to be me, you don't know what it's like to love someone who isn't capable of ever loving you in return, to try to stop loving them but just never being able to, you don't know. So leave me alone."

Silence fell, the kind that you could cut through with a knife.

"Subaru," Kamui said quietly, "I love you."

Subaru stared at him, his eyes growing wide with shock and a near horror at Kamui's statement.

"I love you even though I know you'll never love me back," Kamui continued. "And I've tried to stop loving you, I really have. So don't tell me I don't know what it's like to love. Because I do."

"But . . ." Subaru tried, but his voice trailed off.

Kamui reached out, tracing down the side of Subaru's face. "I love you more than anything. I would give up everything important to me to make you happy for just one day. I want . . ." He started to lose confidence, his words stumbling over each other. "I want to make you happy, I want to help you forget about Seishirou . . . maybe you'll never really be able to, but I want to help, I want to try . . . I just want to help you . . ."

"Kamui, you . . ." Again Subaru trailed off, unable to find the words to express what he was thinking.

"I'm sorry about Seishirou, I really am . . . I would give anything for you to be happy, Subaru, just tell me what you want, what you need . . ." Kamui was well aware at this point that the smart thing to do would be to shut the hell up, but he plowed on anyway. "I love you, I love you so much, I want to be with you, I want to help you forget about him, I want to help you, please just let me try, let me help . . . please don't leave me again, I was so scared when you left me . . ." Kamui finally ran out of steam, staring into Subaru's eyes as he whispered one last, "please . . ."

"Kamui, you can't help me," Subaru murmured. "No one can."

"How would you know when you've never let anyone try?" Kamui persisted. "I understand you better than anyone else ever would, Subaru . . . I know what it's like to have someone you love turn on you . . . I know what it's like to lose the people most important to you . . . I understand you, I want to help . . . we could help each other . . ."

"How?" Subaru asked. His voice cracked; he sounded like he wanted desperately to believe but didn't know how to.

"By . . . by just being there for each other and talking to each other . . ."

Subaru looked skeptical.

"Okay, I don't know, but you aren't even willing to try!" Now Kamui was starting to cry out of sheer frustration. "Why won't you just let me try to help you, damn it?"

Subaru stared at him for a minute. "No one's really ever tried to help me since Neesan died . . ." he finally said.

"Please, Subaru, I'll do anything you want," Kamui said. He felt somewhat ashamed of himself for begging like this, but nothing else was working. "Just . . . just tell me . . ."

Subaru slowly lifted one hand and pushed Kamui's hair out of his face, then spent a long second looking intently into the younger boy's lavender eyes, as if searching for something. Kamui simply met his gaze and waited, trying not to shiver under his touch.

"No," he said, looking away. "I . . . I can't use you like that . . ."

Kamui blinked, confused. "Use me like what?" he asked.

Subaru closed his eyes. "You're too innocent, you don't know what you want."

"I don't want to be innocent if it makes you leave again," Kamui said fiercely.

"I wasn't going to . . ." Subaru started, but his words caught in his throat.

Kamui just looked at him.

"Do you think this could ever work?" Subaru whispered.

"Maybe someday," Kamui whispered back. "When you let him go."

Subaru looked at the floor. "I . . . can't," he choked out.

"I know." Kamui smoothed his hair. "I know, and it's okay, for now. For now you can hold onto him. I don't mind."

"I want him back," Subaru said, tears starting again. "I want him back more than anything in the world. I don't even care that he never loved me. I just want to see him again. I . . . I can't be without him, Kamui, I don't know how."

"Shh," Kamui said. "Let me show you."

Subaru looked half-afraid, half-hopeful. "But . . ."

"Don't talk," Kamui said. "Don't think. Just close your eyes."

Subaru hesitantly obeyed.

Kamui took a deep breath, hardly believing that he was actually following through on this crazy idea, leaned forward, and kissed Subaru.

Subaru jumped a little, practically falling off the bed in surprise.

Kamui blushed furiously, immediately regretting what he'd done, but to his surprise, Subaru didn't get angry. He just gave Kamui a long look, then said, "You're really okay with that?"

As an answer, Kamui kissed him again. He managed it for longer this time, despite being incredibly nervous. Subaru's arms slowly came to rest around his shoulders, one of his hands tangling in Kamui's hair. He let Kamui kiss him, not kissing back at first, then slowly starting to move his lips against Kamui's. "We shouldn't . . ." he started.

"Shh," Kamui said, kissing him again. "It'll be okay. This will help . . . I think . . ."

Subaru closed his eyes. Slowly, ever so slowly, giving Subaru plenty of time to escape, Kamui pushed him backwards so they were lying on the bed. He shifted them a little so Subaru's head was up at the head of the bed so he could rest on the pillows. Then he carefully lay down on top of the Sumeragi, pressing their lips together again. Subaru's lips parted under his, allowing Kamui to deepen the kiss and finally starting to react in kind.

Then Subaru was moving, sitting up a little, reaching over and fumbling to turn out the light.

Kamui tried not to flinch at that -- there was really no better sign that your partner would rather be sleeping with someone else. But he knew that already, so he tried not to let it bother him.

Darkness fell, not complete; there was a street light outside Kamui's window and its orange glow trickled into the room. He could see Subaru some, well enough to see that the Sumeragi's eyes were closed. Ignoring his own misgivings, he kissed Subaru again, more forcefully, waiting to see how he would react.

Subaru kissed back more eagerly than before, his hands tracing patterns on Kamui's back.

Kamui paused a little, trying to make himself think like Seishirou. It was difficult; he'd only met him once, and that had been brief. But still, he knew enough of the man's personality from hearing Subaru talk about him; he was not likely to be gentle or hesitant in bed.

If he wants Seishirou, I'll just . . . give him Seishirou, Kamui thought. That decided, he forced down his shyness and began to run his hands up and down Subaru's body.

Subaru gave a surprised moan, arching up into Kamui's touch. Kamui ignored the part of his brain that was reminding him loudly that it wasn't really him Subaru wanted, and focused on the part that was overjoyed to have the Sumeragi be his. He finally managed to stop kissing Subaru, and leaned down to caress Subaru's throat with his lips, biting gently at the sensitive skin. Subaru let out a small gasp, and his hands tightened in Kamui's hair.

Kamui searched for something else to do. Truth told, he wanted Subaru's shirt out of the way, but wasn't quite daring enough to just take it off. He ran his fingers up under it, brushing over Subaru's skin lightly, just enough to make his touch felt. Subaru moaned again. Kamui kissed his way down Subaru's neck, then down onto his chest, pressing his lips against the fabric.

Slowly, still half trying to convince himself that he was doing the right thing, Kamui pushed the shirt up. Subaru lifted himself a little so Kamui could push it over his head and toss it onto the floor. Kamui stared down in what little light there was. Subaru's skin was so pale, so soft, so . . . perfect.

He thought for a minute that Subaru, with far more experience, should be the one on top. But he was also painfully aware that Subaru didn't want to be on top; Subaru was far too busy trying to pretend he was still with Seishirou to think about that. Besides, Kamui had some clue of what he was doing -- one wasn't sixteen years old, frustrated, and connected to the Internet without at least knowing the basic way of going about things.

Kamui hesitantly traced his lips over Subaru's chest, then, encouarged by Subaru's soft moan, began to kiss him eagerly on every inch of available space. He brushed his hands over the waistband of Subaru's pants, then moved them lower. Subaru gasped and arched upwards.

Think like Seishirou, Kamui admonished himself. Seishirou wouldn't hesitate. Hands shaking, he undid the button of Subaru's pants, then slid down the zipper. Don't think, just don't think . . .

He reflected, vaguely, that it really couldn't be a good sign that he was practically forcing himself to do this.

He wanted to make Subaru happy.

He would sacrifice anything to make Subaru happy.

He lost touch for a while right about then, detaching himself what was happening, forcing himself to pretend to be Seishirou, to pretend he was who Subaru wanted. Somehow he got Subaru's pants off, and his own, and he drifted back to himself to realize that he should be happy, he should be thrilled . . . this was what he wanted, after all . . .

And really, his pride wasn't that much to sacrifice . . . nor were his dreams that maybe someday Subaru would love him for himself . . . he'd sacrificed worse things for much less . . .

He was crying. He knew he was crying, but Subaru didn't notice, so wrapped up in pretending he was somewhere else.

But he was still careful. He didn't want to hurt Subaru. He would never hurt Subaru.

And still, despite all his misgivings, it was an absolutely mind-blowing experience . . .

He tried to lose himself in sensation, tried to forget what was happening, tried not to listen while Subaru called for someone else, tried not to care that his world was steadily falling in around his ears.

And then it was over, and he tried not to cry, because Subaru might hear. He didn't want Subaru to know anything was wrong. He wanted Subaru to go on being happy.

So he curled up on his side and closed his eyes. Subaru let out a small, almost contented sigh, and put his arm around Kamui's waist. "Thank you, Kamui," he murmured, already half-asleep.

At least he knows who I am again, Kamui thought bitterly.

He did not sleep that night.//

****

"Subaru? Subaru, are you okay?"

Subaru awoke to Hokuto shaking him gently. "I . . . what . . .?"

"I woke you up. You were having one weird dream," she said, nose wrinkling. "You were making an awful lot of noise. What was it about?"

Subaru's eyes widened a little. "It was . . . never mind . . . did Kamui say if he was coming by today?"

"He said he'd drop by after school."

"Can you . . . tell him I'm asleep, if he does? I need to . . . to think some things over."

Hokuto sniffed. "I'm not lying for you, Subaru. I advise you think them over before then."

****

//when subaru dreams, it is now vivid and real, as if he were really there, rather than just dreaming a memory. he has not yet remembered everything -- though the tree showed him what was relevant to itself, smaller things are still taking their time to seep through.

slowly, his memories filter through.

and he returns, unwilling, to himself.//

****