Warnings: Eh... actually I can't think of any. Angst, I supposed. PissedOff!Fuuma.
Part Seventeen: Acceptance
//If forgiveness is hard to find, some things are harder. Perhaps blame doesn't matter, perhaps it is insignificant. Perhaps what really matters is acceptance.
At the moment, perhaps that is all that matters.
Because they cannot accept certain things, they will never be able to settle what lies between them. And even less will they be able to settle what lies within them.//
Subaru sips his tea, eyes fixed on the grain of the table, unseeing, uncaring, lost in his thoughts.
//There is a burning need in all of them to come to terms with themselves. To accept, perhaps, that the one he loves is not precisely who he thought he was. Or perhaps he is exactly who he thought he was, and this is where the acceptance lies.//
Kamui tosses in his sleep, nestling closer to the warmth behind him, unaware in his sleeping state of exactly who is providing that warmth.
//Perhaps it is the need to accept the truth about themselves, rather than about others. The truth about who they truly love, and who they only thought they loved.//
Seishirou sits at the foot of the Tree, half-asleep, wrapped in the 'embrace' of his old friend, not needing to think; the Tree keeps him from doing so.
//Or the truth about who they are, and who they think they are.//
Fuuma is awake, and he watches his friend sleep, not knowing what to do, how to help. Not knowing how long he can wait.
//The truth about what they were, and who they can become.
No truth is universal. Acceptance would be different for each of them, if they can find it within their hearts.//
****
"Oi, Subaru, what on earth's wrong with you? You look terrible!"
Subaru turned to Hokuto. His eyes were slightly wider than usual, with dark circles underneath them. He was shivering, barely able to hold onto the cup of hot tea he was holding. "I'm so cold," he whispered.
Hokuto walked over briskly and put her hand on Subaru's forehead. "You don't have a fever," she murmued, then took one of his hands. She dropped it quickly, flinching away. "You're freezing!"
"I know," he replied. "I just can't get warm."
"Go take a hot shower," she said. "Go on, now. I'll make you some soup for when you get out."
Subaru nodded a little and headed for the bathroom. Hokuto dug out one of his warmer sweaters and put it on his bed so he'd find it when he got out. Subaru was a long time in the shower; Hokuto suspected that he was having a hard time getting warm again. She distracted herself from her concern by making the soup. Subaru wasn't sick, after all. But somehow that made it even more disturbing. There was no earthly reason for him to be that cold. She rubbed her hands together quickly, trying not to think about it.
By the time Subaru came downstairs, dressed in the sweater and jeans, his hair still damp and rumpled, the soup was ready. "You should've dried your hair," Hokuto said reprovingly, putting the soup and some tea down in front of him. "You won't warm up as quickly if it's damp."
Subaru shrugged. "I think I'm okay now." He slowly began to eat the soup.
Hokuto took his hand again, and was pleased to see that it was now a normal temperature. "Why were you so cold, anyway? Did you throw off all your blankets in your sleep or something?"
Subaru shook his head. "I dreamed I died," he said softly. He had a rather strong suspicion that his body had gone into some sort of physical shock, but he wasn't about to tell Hokuto that.
Hokuto blinked a couple times. "Oh," she said. "Um . . ."
"Can I tell you something?" Subaru blurted out suddenly. "Will you promise to listen, to not think that I'm crazy?"
"Of course," Hokuto said, pulling up a chair and getting her own mug of tea. "You know you can tell me anything, Subaru."
So Subaru told her everything, starting at the very beginning and leaving out nothing from either lifetime.
Hokuto sat in astonished silence.
Subaru misinterpreted her silence for disbelief. "I can prove it, I really can," he said, feeling rather pathetic.
"Subaru, I believe you," Hokuto said hastily. "I mean, now that you've told me about it, a lot of it seems really . . . familiar. It's just . . ." Her voice trailed off. "Weird," she finally said.
"I know," Subaru said miserably. "But I don't know what to do anymore! I mean, about Seishirou-san . . . and Kamui . . ."
Hokuto paused. "I'm not going to take sides in this, Subaru."
"Can't you at least give me some advice?" Subaru asked.
Hokuto pinched her lower lip thoughtfully. "Well . . . to begin with . . . I think Seishirou really loves you."
"But -- " Subaru began.
Hokuto lifted a finger. "You asked for my advice, now shut up and let me give it to you. You don't have to take it. But at least let me finish."
Subaru fell silent, looking at his empty bowl.
"I think Sei-chan loves you. I'm not sure he deserves your forgiveness, but I'm also not sure that taking it out on this Seishirou is the right thing to do. I mean, he's hardly the same person now as he was then. Making him suffer for the mistakes he made in his last life would be unfair."
Subaru still said nothing.
Hokuto took a sip of her tea and continued. "I also think you owe Kamui-chan an apology." She glared Subaru into silence as he opened his mouth to protest. "I know you didn't mean to, but you hurt him pretty badly last time. And whether or not he should have called you a selfish coward; you still owe him an apology for what happened."
"Do you think I could be happy with Kamui?" Subaru asked quietly.
Hokuto took a long drink of her tea. "Yes," she finally said. "But I think you would be happier with Seishirou."
Subaru frowned for a minute.
"And," Hokuto continued before he could say anything else, "I think it would be really unfair to Fuuma-chan if you just suddenly decided you were interested in Kamui-chan again."
Subaru kept frowning.
"I understand why you did what you did, Subaru-chan," Hokuto said. "But I think it's time you let go, ne?"
"I don't know if I can," Subaru whispered.
Hokuto gave him a sympathetic smile. "Sure you can, Subaru. I have faith in you."
He managed a thin smile for her. "Thanks."
****
Kamui spent most of the day worried about the fact that Subaru still wasn't in school. He was preoccupied, playing with his pencil and learning absolutely nothing. "You going over to see Seishirou?" he asked Fuuma after school, trying to sound neutral.
"Yeah," Fuuma said. "Are you going to come?"
"Mm . . . nah. I'm going to go check on Subaru."
Fuuma's steps hesitated for a second, then continued. "Okay."
"What?" Kamui asked, hearing the strained note in Fuuma's voice.
"Nothing."
"It's not nothing. What's wrong?"
"Just yesterday, I thought maybe you were going to give up on it for a while." Fuuma kept his voice carefully even. "I thought maybe we could go out to dinner or something."
Kamui blinked. "You mean as a date?"
Fuuma gave him a sidelong glance. "Is it that hard to believe?"
"No, I just . . ." Kamui's voice trailed off.
"Don't want to go," Fuuma surmised, biting back the instant well of irritation.
Kamui's feet dragged a little. "I'm sorry," he said.
"You're always sorry," Fuuma replied, before he could think better of it.
Kamui looked away. "Fuuma, I -- "
"Forget it," Fuuma interrupted.
"I'm not going to just forget it," Kamui replied. "I'm not going to ignore you."
"Why not?" Fuuma asked. "You've been fine with it so far."
Kamui stopped dead. "Fuuma . . . I'm sorry I haven't been able to return your feelings yet. You know I'm sorry."
"Oh, I know it," Fuuma said. "Somehow that makes it worse. Because then I get guilty at myself for being mad at you."
He had kept walking; Kamui hastened to catch up. "Fuuma, don't be mad. Please. I . . . I'm trying as hard as I can, honestly I am." His voice cracked.
Fuuma stopped suddenly, turning to face him. "Are you really, Kamui?"
Kamui hesitated, not sure of what to say.
"Because if you were, I'd think you would agree to come with me today, instead of going to go see Subaru."
Kamui's voice wavered, then steadied and became a bit stubborn. "Subaru needs me right now, and he's my friend no matter what's happening between the two of us. I won't just abandon him."
Fuuma made a noise in the back of his throat that conveyed his disgust with the entire situation, then began walking again.
"Why are you mad?" Kamui asked, half-jogging to keep up with his taller friend. "What did I do?"
"You didn't do anything, Kamui," Fuuma said. "Therein lies the problem."
Kamui rubbed his hands over his face. "I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what to tell you. I want . . ."
"Don't tell me what you want, Kamui," Fuuma said. "All you're doing is making me think that someday you'll love me."
Kamui nearly choked. "I don't mean to lead you on, it's just . . . I thought you would wait for me, and . . ."
"And how long will it be?" Fuuma asked, frustration evident in his voice. "I'm willing to wait, Kamui, but it's starting to seem like you'll never get over Subaru. How long is it going to be? How many lifetimes am I going to have to wait through?"
Kamui swallowed hard. "I'll try harder," he said, feeling like he was begging, feeling ashamed of himself. "Please, Fuuma, don't be mad. I promised him . . ."
Fuuma stopped. "You promised him what?"
"The day after he died, I promised him I would never stop loving him." Kamui wiped the tears off his cheeks. "I didn't want to tell you. I knew you'd only get upset. But it's hard for me to break that promise."
Fuuma was silent for a long minute. "You should have told me."
"I know, I just . . . I didn't want you to give up, and . . ."
"I would have given up," Fuuma said flatly. "And I'm beginning to think I should have. Or maybe that I just should never have hoped to begin with."
"Fuuma, no," Kamui said. "No, you're wrong, it's not like that!"
"Isn't it?" Fuuma challenged. "If it's not, why are you still clinging to him and ignoring me?"
"I . . . I just . . ."
"Forget it," Fuuma said angrily. "You don't have an answer, because there isn't one. You're still in love with him, and no matter how hard you try, you'll always be in love with him. And even if you're not, you'll always think you are, or I'll always think you are. It's not worth it anymore."
"Fuuma, I'm sorry," Kamui whispered, but Fuuma was already walking away.
****
Seishirou waited until six o'clock before deciding that Fuuma wasn't coming for his usual afternoon visit. He ate his dinner, sifted through his faxes, chose five, and left the apartment.
It had been just over five days since he and Subaru had gone their separate ways. It seemed like five years. Unfortunately, the sorrow was weighing on his heart no less after five days than it had been after one.
::Are you sure you're ever going to get over him?:: the Tree spoke up suddenly.
Seishirou jumped. ::Of course I will. Eventually.::
::You don't sound very certain.::
::Well, it's looking a little difficult right at the moment, thanks,:: Seishirou replied stiffly.
::Why do you keep trying to make Kamui leave him alone?::
::Because it's his decision.::
::Okay, and he decided to be a raving idiot. If you ask me, Kamui talking sense into him can only do him good.::
Seishirou sighed irritably. It seemed like he and the Tree had had this conversation at least a dozen times already.
::Eleven, to be precise.::
::Then shut up about it, already.::
::I would, if you were being reasonable.::
Seishirou's mental voice was strained. ::Subaru-kun has every right to refuse to forgive me. Look at what I did to him.::
::For one thing, you've changed so much as to be barely recognizable, and since I'm the one who knew you best last time around, I think I'm qualified to say that. Secondly, one would certainly think offering to become the Sakurazukamori again so he wouldn't have to would redeem you.::
Seishirou shook his head, lighting a cigarette. ::But Subaru-kun doesn't see it that way.::
::Well, he damn well should,:: the Tree replied, sounding grumpy.
Seishirou couldn't help laughing at that.
****
"Where are you going so late?" Hokuto asked reprovingly, watching Subaru pull on his shoes.
"Kamui's," he said. "I owe him that apology. And I figure I'd better go now before I lose my nerve."
"Are you going to spend the night?" she asked, noting the backpack.
"Yeah. Tomorrow's Sunday, so I figured it would be okay."
She nodded. "Don't worry about it. Do you want a ride?"
"No, I'll walk. I need to think a bit, about what to say."
"Okay." She gave him a quick hug. "Good luck, Subaru-chan."
"Thanks, neesan. I'll probably be home for lunch tomorrow."
"Have fun!" Hokuto danced out of the room, leaving her brother to finish pulling on his shoes, shoulder his backpack, and leave the house. He walked quickly, trying not to dwell on thinking too much. Despite what he'd said to Hokuto, he already knew what he had to say; he just needed time to build up the nerve to say it.
"It's awfully late, Sumeragi-kun," Kamui's mother greeted him. "Does Kamui know you're coming?"
"No, I just . . . it's kind of important," Subaru said.
"Well, come on in. He's been up in his room ever since he got home from school, but I doubt he's asleep."
"All day?" Subaru asked, alarmed. He hadn't been surprised when Kamui hadn't come over; he was sure that Kamui had just been upset over what had happened between them the day before. But if he'd been moping all day, that meant something bigger had happened.
"Yeah, he wouldn't even come out for dinner. I'm getting really worried."
"I'll talk to him," Subaru said. "I might be able to make him feel better."
"I hope so."
Subaru went up the stairs, trying to swallow the nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach. He knocked gently on Kamui's door.
"What is it, Kaasan?" Kamui called.
Subaru cleared his throat and forced himself to speak around the lump in his throat. "Ano . . . it's me."
Pause. A long pause. Subaru shifted nervously from foot to foot.
After what seemed like an eternity, the door opened. Kamui was standing there in his pajamas, looking tired. "What?" he asked.
"Can I come in?" Subaru asked.
"I guess," Kamui said rather ungraciously, standing back to let Subaru walk in and then closing the door. He walked over to the bed and sat down. It was still neatly made; so Subaru knew that Kamui hadn't been asleep. Kamui looked at his friend uncertainly.
"Um . . ." Subaru put down his backpack, walked over and sat down next to him. "What happened today?" he asked.
Kamui raised an eyebrow at him. "You came here to ask me what happened today?"
"No! I came here to talk to you, but now that I've seen you I know something's wrong and I want to know what."
"Why do you care?" Kamui asked, stung.
Subaru took a deep breath. "I . . . I came because I wanted to apologize to you. I've been awful to you over the past few days, and I'm sorry. And I'm even more sorry about . . . about last time."
Kamui looked away. "Thank you."
"You shouldn't have let me hurt you like that," Subaru said quietly.
"I know I shouldn't have," Kamui replied, still not looking at him.
"I tried to love you," Subaru said, surprising Kamui so much that he turned to look at him. "I tried so hard. I just sat there all morning and thought about how . . . how wonderful you were, and how perfect we would be together. I thought about how much you loved me and how much I wanted to love you, too. I wanted that so much. Because then, I thought . . . maybe I could be happy."
Kamui said nothing, but he was rubbing his eyes.
"So I tried, I tried all day, but I couldn't. I didn't know how to be without him. So I realized . . . I had hurt you more than you could ever forgive me for . . . all for nothing. And I had betrayed Seishirou-san by doing it."
Long silence.
"That's why I killed myself. I figured that you ought to know. That you deserved to know."
"Thank you," Kamui whispered again.
"What happened today?" Subaru asked, looking at him carefully.
"Fuuma and I got in a fight," Kamui said miserably. He rubbed his eyes again. "I'm a hypocrite, you know that?"
"How so?" Subaru asked.
"For calling you a selfish coward." Kamui laughed softly. "If anyone's a selfish coward, it's me."
"I guess we are perfect for each other, then," Subaru said. "Because you were certainly right about me. But why do you say that about you?"
"Look at what I've been doing to Fuuma," Kamui said. "I keep promising him that eventually I'll get over you, over and over again, trying to give him the little I can. I never even realized that I was leading him on. How do I know I'll ever be able to give him what I'm promising? He was right; he just should have given up on me."
"Do you want him to give up on you?" Subaru asked quietly.
"I don't know what I want anymore," Kamui said.
"What about me?" Subaru asked. "Do you still want me?"
Kamui stared at him. "Huh?"
Subaru took another deep breath. "Kamui . . . it never could have worked between us last time. But this time, I think maybe . . . I think it could. Because I think now . . . now I've sort of had another try with Seishirou-san, and it still isn't working."
"It was working fine before you got your memories back," Kamui said in a low voice.
Subaru ignored him. "I . . . I don't think I can ever get past what he did to me. So I . . . I want to try. You were willing to sacrifice so much to be with me, to make me happy . . . I think it's only right that I try, too."
"Subaru," Kamui whispered. He didn't know what else to say. He couldn't think. Subaru was finally telling him what he wanted to hear, and now he wasn't so sure he wanted to hear it anymore.
"I think we could be happy now," Subaru said, and he leaned towards Kamui, closing his eyes.
Kamui shivered as Subaru's lips brushed over his. It wasn't fair; yesterday he would have known exactly what to do, but if Fuuma didn't want him anymore . . .
if Fuuma . . . didn't want him . . .
Could he and Subaru ever truly be happy together?
He kissed back.
Subaru's hands came up to cup his face, and it was perfect, soft and innocent, exactly how he'd wanted it to be last time, yet never was. He felt tears starting to slide down his cheeks, but whether they were tears of sorrow or joy, he couldn't tell. Subaru kissed him more urgently, taking the lead, the way Kamui had wanted him to.
It was perfect.
It was too perfect.
Kamui pulled out of Subaru's arms.
"What's wrong?" Subaru asked.
"We can't do this." Kamui wiped the tears off his face. "No, just listen for a second. Honestly, how long would it last? Three days ago you missed Seishirou so badly that you were sick over it. You couldn't be ready for this. I know you want to make me happy, but forcing yourself into this isn't the way to do it."
Subaru's jaw set stubbornly. "I know what I'm doing," he insisted.
Kamui just shook his head. "We can't. Because you still love Seishirou -- I know you do. And I know he would want us to be happy together, and somehow that makes it worse."
"I don't still -- "
"Sh." Kamui put his fingers over Subaru's mouth. "Don't talk for a second. Just think about him. That's all."
Subaru glared for a second, then closed his eyes and thought about Seishirou. His smile, his eyes -- one blind, why was one blind, anyway, when he had both? -- his voice --
Subaru put both hands over his mouth to stifle a sob.
"See?" Kamui said softly. "You do still love him."
Subaru nodded. "I do, but I wanted to give you what you deserve, I wanted you to be happy . . ."
Kamui smiled, half wistful, half sorrowful. "If you want to give me something, give me the honor of knowing that I helped you and Seishirou get back together. Because I want you two to be happy together. I want you to be happy, Subaru, and you never will be with me. Or maybe you even could be, after a while -- but not as happy as you could be with him."
Subaru looked away. "But . . . what about . . ."
"The day after you died, I promised you that I would never stop loving you," Kamui said, his voice soft and a little dreamy. "I promised it under the Tree. And I never did stop loving you. But . . . I'm not . . . I'm not in love with you anymore. You see the difference?"
Subaru nodded slowly.
"I don't know when I stopped being in love with you," Kamui said thoughtfully. "I guess it doesn't really matter, anyway. I still love you . . . just not like that anymore. I just want you to be happy."
Subaru nodded again, swallowing the lump in his throat.
"Please go back to Seishirou," Kamui said, smiling painfully. "He loves you. And this time, he deserves you."
"I was so awful to him," Subaru whispered.
"He doesn't mind," Kamui said. "Just tell him you're sorry."
Subaru nodded yet again, rubbing tears off his face. "I hope he'll listen."
"He will. It's you, after all."
Subaru looked at him carefully. "Are you . . . are you sure? I mean, really really sure?"
Kamui just smiled again. "Yeah. Now get out of here before I change my mind."
Subaru stood up. "Thanks, Kamui. For . . . everything."
"No problem."
Kamui waited until Subaru was out of the room to let out the breath he was holding. For a brief moment, he thought of Subaru's lips against his, that soft touch and warm breath, and he wondered if he was completely out of his mind.
But he knew that he wasn't.
He picked up the phone and dialed Fuuma's number.
"Monou desu."
"Fuuma? It . . . it's me. I'm sorry to call so late."
Fuuma hesitated. "What is it?"
"Can you come over? I'm sorry about earlier. I'm sorry about everything. But I . . . I need to talk to you. It's kind of important."
A long pause. Fuuma was obviously thinking hard about his decision. "Sure," he finally said, his voice completely noncommittal.
"I'll wait downstairs for you. I don't want Kaasan to know I've got a visitor this late."
"Okay. I'll see you soon." Fuuma hung up without another word.
Kamui stood, dressed, and went downstairs to wait.
****
//when they dream, it is as if the very earth is breathing, and now the earth breathes a sigh of relief. perhaps now they can all go to their proper places, to their proper loves ones. perhaps now destiny can truly relax.
but there is still a little work to do, for acceptance, for forgiveness, for peace.//
****
